Chapter 1: September 11th
September 1, 2001
It’s the last Saturday before school starts, and Mar and I are going to occupy our day doing everything we can’t do after 12 pm tonight. This is something we've always done. Our own tradition.
First, we slept in (completely Marlee’s idea) and now we’re at our favorite coffee shop, Coco Loco, relaxing. Okay, I realize we can most likely do this once school starts too but it’s our favorite place to relax so we added it to the schedule. In case you don't know the whole theme of this day is to be as relaxed as possible before being thrown into the chaos that is high school. As we all know, school is never deeply relaxing.
When we’re done here, we’re going to take the bus to the beach. We packed a picnic lunch(mini sandwiches, fruit, crackers, chocolate, etc.) in our cute, beach picnic basket. Hours will be spent sun tanning, with our toes in the soft sand without a worry in the world. Spending the day, sitting next to my best friend while soaking up all of the summer possible before school starts is more than I could ever ask for. I think it might be my favorite element of our design for the day are.
After the beach, we’ll catch the bus and go back into town to eat ice cream or milkshakes. Mar is obsessed with milkshakes but I enjoy a good old-fashioned ice cream cone. Mar doesn't enjoy the stickiness that often ensues when you combine an ice cream cone and a hot day but to me, that's all apart of the experience. See, just because we’re twins doesn’t indicate that we have to like all of the same things, although how much we have in common often scares me. Especially because of our friends, Kristy and Bella, who are also twins, but they are nothing alike except I think they have a crush on the same guy. Massive no no… yikes.
To complete the day, we’re going to go out to eat at Japper’s Peppers (try saying that over and over again super fast)our favorite restaurant and order a giant sundae that we always barely finish. It’s about 10 scoops of ice cream and pours over the side of the bowl. But we only eat it every once in awhile, and that’s all we eat. Ice cream for dinner, our favorite! Another thing we both have in common. :) (Yes, I know that the second half of our day seems to be spent eating ice cream but don’t judge. It’s delicious and a special day. Diets are for Monday’s. a.k.a. not today or tomorrow.)
The time has come to leave the comfort of the coffee shop and start the rest of our adventurous day!
I am beyond excited!! Can you tell?
Dear Journal, September 1, 2001
I’d like to start off saying this: I am ONLY writing in this journal because Anna told me that I should write in a journal like her. She’s on this new kick where she thinks that she should start keeping a journal again in case she’s famous someday. She recently read the Diary of Anne Frank and now she believes that she should have a diary in case something horrible, like the Holocaust, happens and someone years into the future finds it and can learn her story. Anna’s always written in a journal but now she wants to write down everything. I’ve always been Anna’s faithful twin so even though she has bugged me into this, I will support her and write in one too.
Today Anna and I are having our ‘Last Hoorah’ day where we’re going to do all of the things that we won’t be able to do once school starts, which is in a few days. I’m sure she described it all in tremendous detail so for your sanity, in case someone ever does read both of ours, I’m not going to repeat it all. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would care about how we spend our last few days of summer before school starts. Do you genuinely desire to hear about eating a massively sized sundae and then me probably puking in the bathroom after? No? I didn’t think so.
I love our little tradition, but I just wish that I could sleep all day today. When I told Anna that she flipped out and said that that’s what I do almost every other day. So needless to say, the grand adventures of Marlee and Anna will be taking place today, September 1st, 2001. What I didn’t admit to Anna, although she knows me better than anyone else so she probably realizes, was that I also want to hang out with Cam. For record’s sake, Cameron (a.k.a. Cam) is my boyfriend. We started dating, thanks to Anna, in the beginning of May last year and have been going “strong” ever since.
Cam really brightens my life up. Anna has always kept a spark there with her bubbly, enthusiasm and always trying, never failing, to keep me happy. Cam makes me laugh and feel special. He brings me flowers, buys me ice cream, takes me out to the movies, and even leaves me sweet little notes everywhere. BUT no seeing Cam today, that is not on Anna’s agenda. Wish me luck…
September 2, 2001
Yesterday was so much fun! Between both of us working and having different friend groups, it’s been a hard summer for us to hang out. Our work schedules completely clashed like stripes and polka dots. I worked 8 am to 4 pm and she worked from 3:30 pm to 11 pm. She mostly slept all day, I couldn’t blame her, and I would be asleep by the time she got home. We each had one day off every week but they rarely coincided. We both requested yesterday off so we could spend it together. Today was my last day but Marlee has decided to keep working through the year. I want to try I just don’t know if I’ll have time. I’m usually pretty busy. We both want to keep working because we long to travel, get away from this small town, and go to excellent schools but sadly both of those things require money that we don’t have.
Marlee is better about money than I am. Saving is extremely hard for me, I admire Mar for her ability to save so much. I simply love to shop, I’ll admit it! My wardrobe is only one minuscule testament to my slight shopping addiction. Marlee on the other hand doesn’t get excited about going shopping that much, at least not for herself. She loves going Black Friday shopping for on sale Christmas presents and she loves birthday present shopping but other than that I’m pretty sure the last thing she bought herself was a book she needed for a project in school.
Speaking of birthdays… Ours is coming up and I am sooooooooo excited!! I love love love our birthday for so many reasons. One of them being that Mar is the only person that shopping for doesn’t stress me out. Unlike Marlee, I hate shopping for other people because I never have any idea what to buy them. But for our birthday I always know what to get her.
Will our birthday the only problem I have is limiting what I get her because last time I let myself go wild she got mad at how many things I got her. This year I know there’s this one book she’s been wanting that just came out, “The Fourth Hand” by John Irving, so of course, I’m going to get that for her, even though I’ve heard her talk about it and it seems absolutely boring. The other thing I’m going to give her is a gift card to Coco Loco because we both love to go there and read, or talk but also, I know that she likes to occasionally go there by herself too. I think I’m going to go into town and get her presents after school on Tuesday. Oh ya! School’s tomorrow by the way :) Also super excited about that.
Mom and Mar always say I’m so weird because I get excited about the first day of school. Mar is even a scholarly person, gets way more preferable grades than mine, but she doesn’t get as excited about school as I do. I love seeing everyone who I didn’t see all summer, showing off my new outfits I got school shopping, and even being back in a time structured environment. Okay now that I’m writing this all down I realize how weird it must sound but it’s true. I love going back to school!!!
It’s getting late and as I’ve mentioned before, school starts tomorrow and I need to attempt to get some sleep. I have to wake up so early tomorrow and I am so not ready. Especially because I’m so excited and nervous(the functional kind of nervous) that I know it’s going to be difficult to sleep. It’s already challenging for me to even be writing this, my hands are shaky because I’m so excited. Sooo… Good Night!
Dear Journal, September 3, 2001
I’m going back in time because allegedly (according to Anna) I didn’t start this whole journal thing right. APPARENTLY, I’m supposed to start off by telling you, oh inanimate one, all about myself. I’m first going to tell you this right now, I am not going into great depth and probably not into as much detail as Anna did but here it goes…
15 things about me, Marlee Archer
#1- Anna has been keeping a journal since third grade when Dad got Anna a pink journal, covered with pink sparkles with a heart shaped lock, for getting the lead role in the Christmas play. Ever since she’s written everything down in a journal. I, on the other hand, had no interest in writing in one, that lack of interest probably stemmed from the fact that he didn’t bring me anything during that trip home. This past summer Anna has been bugging me to write in a journal almost every day, she hasn’t shut up about it. She even put sticky notes in different places throughout my room saying that I should do it. I personally think that this whole thing is stupid but I’ve finally broken so here I am.
#2- Anna’s my twin sister, best friend, and better half. I may complain about her a lot, but she means everything to me. I can’t begin to comprehend what I’d do without her.
#3- My favorite color is deep purple. Deep purple not magenta, violet or pastel. DEEP. I love the type of purple that’s almost blue it’s so deep.
#4- I hate wearing dresses probably more than I’ve ever hated anything in my whole life, and I had to eat a whole plate smothered with day old, slimy broccoli once. The moment I hit an age where my mom allowed me to dress myself was the best day ever. Also, probably, the last day the world ever saw me in a dress. I seriously wanted to burn all of them that day but Anna wouldn’t let me, she said it would waste the beautiful pile full with dresses stacked in my closet. I believe that she ended up taking them.
#5- Until last year I had no interest in getting a boyfriend (or a girlfriend, let’s keep that straight.),
but now I’m almost 6 months into my first real, non-second grade, relationship with a guy named Cameron. I call him Cam because Cameron is too polysyllabic (vocab word of the day, 2 points!).
#6- I enjoy using big, rarely seen words, I try to learn a new one every day, but they often don’t fit easily. I’m extremely good at scrabble.
#7- To clarify a section in number 5. I am not homophobic in any way or sort. I believe that you love who you love, it’s also perfectly okay if it’s a girl or a boy. I’m just personally not a lesbian. Again, no offense to anyone who is.
#8- I’m terrible at sleeping. I’m medically called an insomniac because my body couldn’t just suck at breathing or prevent me from being around dogs or staying genuinely cheerful, it had to take away sleeping too.
#9- I’m allergic to most animals and can’t have a lot of different spices, like oregano, allspice, or cumin. It can be a real pain in the ass. Oh, I also have clinical depression.
#10- I get car sick all of the time. You know how most people tend to be fine in the front seat or driving? Nope, not me. I get car sick in every seat in the car. I hate it. It’s a giant inconvenience, let me tell you.
#11- I may or may not have a total addiction to hot chocolate. I can confidently say I drink at least 5 cups a day. I’m not saying I’m proud of it but I may be drinking one right now.
#12- I read almost as much as I drink hot chocolate if not more. I’m also not biased. I enjoy all books of any genre. Okay, I’m not genuinely into mystery books.
#13- I really really don’t this. Like EXTREMELY don’t. I don’t know why I’m even doing this. It’s not like Anna’s going to read through my journal or anything. Actually, she probably does.
#14- I don’t believe in love. I believe in strong feelings and affections, but I don’t see how love really exists. I’m not going to go on a giant tangent, but I just don’t believe in it. I know it makes Cam happy to tell him that I love him too when he says how much he loves me but I don’t think I really love him. How can I love someone when I don’t understand what love is?
FINALLY #15- I need to stay busy and organized all the time. Completely, totally and obsessively organized. I make so many lists, they could make a book. I also clean my room pretty much every day. If I don’t do this I shut down and don’t do anything, absolutely nothing at all. I almost just sit and rot in bed until someone knocks me out of it. That someone is usually Anna.
There. 15 things, not too much detail but just enough that hopefully Anna won’t freak out at me for writing in this journal wrong. Who knew that there are rules. I guess that wasn’t THAT bad...
September 3, 2001
First day, not so fabulous. I found a letter in my locker after lunch and it was from Cam, and in case I didn’t mention this before, Cam is Marlee’s boyfriend. I first thought it was weird that I had a note in my locker, seeing as it’s only the first day of school, but then the weirdest part was that it’s from Cam. This is equivalent to reading a letter in a romance novel kind of letter. He’s practically expressing his undying love to me. It felt somewhat gross reading it. I had to read it over and over again just to make sure I was reading it correctly. He said he’s been in love with me all along and he knows he’s dating Mar but he can’t prevent his feelings for me. At one point in the letter he actually said, “I think I’m in love with you. I don’t know how it happened but it did. It’s terrible, I know. I shouldn’t feel this way about you. You probably don’t feel the same way and even if you did I doubt you’d let your feelings progress because of Marlee. But I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I know you might be wondering why, yes Marlee is beautiful but you beauty is only what captured my eye. There is so much more that makes me love you.” I’m going to stop right there, it gets too puke worthy.
First of all, I’m a little flattered and might pursue it if it was ANYONE else, but he’s dating my twin sister! And as far as she tells me she’s falling pretty hard for him, I think. The more I think about it the angrier this letter makes me. How dare he write me this letter? How dare he even have feelings for me? Why would he date my sister if he cared about me so much? These questions are making me want to rip this letter up and burn it.
I need to tell Mar. That’s going to be the worst thing about this whole situation. I believe that I need to tell her, it’s the right thing to do but what I don’t know is how I’m going to do it. Marlee can be extremely fragile most of the time and I know how she talks about Cameron and I don’t want to see her hurt. Regardless, I’m going to tell her. I have to, but I am also going to respond to Cam. I am so completely furious that I want to punch him, and I’m not usually a violent person but DAMN!!! You hurt my sister you’re going to have to deal with me. I will protect her to the ends of the earth for as long as I live. Depending on how afterlife works I might haunt people who hurt her after I die. I know she’d do the same for me. We will always be there for each other, no matter what.
September 4, 2001
I haven’t told Mar about the letter yet but I did write a response to Mr. I love you but I’m dating your twin. It went a little something similar to this…
Are you frickin’ crazy? Why in Hell would you even begin to imagine that I’d possibly desire to know about your feelings for me, let alone believe I’d feel the same way? First of all, no offense, you’re so not my type. Second of all, not to state the obvious but, YOU ARE DATING MY SISTER!! And if you’re telling me this, but still staying with her until you receive a response, drops my respect for you even more. Please tell me I didn’t misjudge you so completely. I will tell Marlee and it will be made known to the whole school what a complete jackass you are.
Also. Do you understand how much Marlee cares about you? I’ve never seen her feel this way towards someone. IT’S NEVER HAPPENED! You’re going to crush everything you’ve built these last few months, are you crazy? She is convinced that you feel this strongly towards her too and now that I’ve learned that that’s not the case I can almost wholeheartedly say, with all certainty, that I hate you. I hate you for telling me your feelings before ending things with Marlee (not that it’d alter your outcome in this at all). I hate you for crushing Marlee’s heart and possibly taking away what little trust in love she has.
Last thing. Do not talk to me ever again. I don’t want any messages, letters, emails, or even bombarding me in the hallway. NOTHING.
I put the letter in his locker repeating what he did with the letter he wrote and that was that. If he’s smart he won’t attempt to talk to me regarding his feelings or anything else for that matter ever again, because l frankly I don’t wish to talk to him at all for the rest of our lives. I understand that, realistically it’s not completely doable seeing as we’re in the same grade and go to the same school for at least 2 more years. ANYWAYS…
I got Marlee that book, you know the one about the hand, I read the back and I don’t understand how our book tastes could be any different. Personally, current books wise, I want to read James Patterson’s most recent book, Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas. It has suspense, and romance, so much love, well at least according to the back. Her book is literally about a guy who lost his hand. BORING! But I still got it for her because it’s what she asked for and it doesn’t mean I have to read it. I’m so excited to have her open it and I know I still have to wait but it’s killing me!! Right now I’m waiting for her at our table in Coco Loco and then we’ll probably sit here for another few hours talking. My conscience tells me that I need to tell her what Cam told me tonight, it’s a chance to. I really don’t know if I’m ready to yet.
Dear Journal, September 4, 2001
I have decided that although I am supporting Anna in this whole diary writing thing, unlike her, I am not going to write every single day. I don’t know how she does it because I sat down to write the past few days and came up with nothing. BUT kudos to her for being able to do that.
Ever since school has started Cam has been acting weird. He’s been extra quiet and less lovey-dovey than he usually is. Some people might say that it’s because the ‘honeymoon’ period is over or some crap like that, but I don’t believe that is something that turns off like a light switch. We usually meet up in between classes to give a quick hello and last year he said that seeing my face gives him some sunshine before being sucked back into school. Today he didn’t meet me in our usual spot, in fact, I was almost late to class waiting for him. As I walked to class I texted him,
Me: hey, you ok?
Cam: sry babe, had to get to class early.
Me: oh ok
Cam: <3 u
Me: <3 u too
See what I mean?? It was so weird. Even when there have been times he has to get to class early he still would always meet up for a quick ‘hi’… Maybe I’m reading too much into this but I feel like by this point in our relationship I know him extremely well and this is not the way he normally acts.
Another weird thing, when I told Anna how Cam was acting when we saw each other at lunch she shrugged and didn’t say anything. She almost always has something to say especially when guys are being jerks, but she stayed completely silent. I asked her why she didn’t have anything to say towards it and she said that maybe that’s how he regularly is and is starting to show me that side of him now that we’ve been dating awhile. But that doesn’t make any sense coming from her. She was the one that pushed me into this relationship and has been a full supporter all along but now she’s saying something different? I’m lost… I’m going to keep pushing her about it but for today I’m going to go home and sleep it off.
I came home from the library today to find sticky notes covering my bed. They were all random colors and all had super sweet messages on them. In the center I found a pile of chocolates, all my favorite. I texted Cam, knowing that it had to be from him, telling him that he was the sweetest boyfriend ever. He apologized for not meeting me at our spot before class and his overall behavior throughout the day. It made my day. I don’t even want to move the sticky notes but they’re all over my bed and I can’t sleep on the floor.
September 5, 2001
Before I get into anything else I have a few other things to mention, school is going tremendously (besides the obvious), my classes are fabulous and I am enjoying them so far. I am super psyched about having an art class this year! I have ceramics this semester and photography next semester. Even though I’m pretty sure I suck at art, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love doing it. AND even if I do fail at least I tried. That’s exactly the kind of thing Mar would hit me for saying, but she hasn’t had any art classes yet so she has no permission to laugh.
Now onto the rest of the STUFF (I don’t like that word), I didn’t tell Marlee about Cam. I’m still going to but yesterday she was in such a wonderful mood and being so positive, I didn’t want to ruin it. It was killing me though because she kept talking about Cam like he’s the sweetest and totally the best boyfriend ever and all I could do was nod and smile, which is very hard for me. I could see the happiness beam out of her reminding me of the baby sun in the Teletubbies. I feel so sad, hearing her talk about Cam the way that she does. I truly wish I could have somehow protected her from this but there was no way to see it coming. Cam had us both fooled. And it’s all technically my fault. I was the one the set them both up but I’m not a mind reader, how was I supposed to know that he’d be this way?
I’m pretty sure Cam got the message I sent him because anytime I saw him in the hall today, he kept his head down and never once made eye contact with me. There’s a small piece of me that relishes in the fact that I made him fear my wrath that much but another small spec of me feels horrible like I took a step too far. I genuinely believe that didn’t though, I mean I probably crushed his heart by sending hate towards him instead of the delusional love he probably expected but in my opinion that’s completely fair and he deserves it. If it were different circumstances I’d have let him down easier but he isn’t allowed a free pass. He’s dating my sister, not some random girl I’ve never met that he saw walking in town one day! It’s my sister!!! In case you can’t tell, this topic is still capable of getting me riled up and it’s been a few days.
I gotta go.
Dear Journal, September 5, 2001
I know what you’re going to say, “Two days in a row?! Really?”. Yes, I remember what I said yesterday but not writing every day isn’t a rule it’s that I don’t plan on having writing everyday to be an obligation. Today I have something significant to tell you, even though you’re only a notebook with lined paper in it, not even living or breathing, I have no one else to talk to.
This morning I asked Anna what was up with her yesterday and she actually snapped at me. Annabel Archer is never, NEVER grumpy, even if she’s tired. We even went Black Friday shopping one time and she still was never grumpy as the extreme exhaustion set in. Then again that was shopping and she has a slight shopping addiction but still. I have never, in my whole life, seen Anna grumpy until this morning. She snapped at me the way I often snap in the morning when I haven’t had coffee yet (even without coffee Anna is never grumpy). Caffeine causes her to become louder and more herself but she is never grumpy without it like Mom and I are. I feel like asking her what’s up but I don’t wish to have my head blown off by the cannon that has replaced my sister today. It didn’t make it on the list of things I plan to do today.
Cam didn’t make an appearance at school today, he texted me saying that he was sorry, he “just wasn’t feeling it” and needed to catch up on sleep. He’s planning to be back tomorrow. Him not being at school made me realize something. I don’t actually have any friends besides Anna and Cam. When Cam isn’t at school I have almost no one to talk to. Today I was okay with that. I’m feeling a little run down and tired too, I was just the one who went to school.
September 6, 2001
Wow, I read through my last entry a few seconds ago and man was I being grumpy. That was so unlike me I almost asked Mar if I was acting weird yesterday. I didn’t because that alone would seem weird. I’m feeling like myself today, I promise that I’m less livid. I still haven’t told Marlee but I am planning to, I promise.
Week one back at school is almost finished and I’m ready for it to be Monday again… Marlee is wishing for school to be over, as usual, when it literally just started. I don’t understand her, how can she already wish for it to be over? We are clearly both on two different ends of the spectrum on this particular topic. Okay, school’s not the most fun but I love how it gives us something to do! I also simply enjoy learning, to be honest. Is that so wrong?
My classes are epic, I especially love my ceramics teacher. He’s so out there and the type of teacher that goes by their first name, which I’ve always thought was so cool. My English teacher is equally magnificent, she laughs at herself ALL OF THE TIME. You can hear her laugh at any end of the hallway and it never ceases to bring a smile to my face every time. My math teacher seems okay but it’s difficult to tell because I’m really not a math person. Marlee is and she says that she’s a wonderful teacher but I guess I’ll find out for myself. School is fun. I don’t care what anyone else says, to me it is fun.
Marlee and Cam are on a date tonight. I feel awful thinking this, but I wish he thought up this date as a way to tell her what he’s told me. She was so excited about this date, which is one of the reasons that I feel so horrible about hoping that it will turn to the worst. It’s not because I wish for her unhappiness, it’s because I love her and realize that the longer the truth is prolonged the more she will be in pain later. She is my favorite person in the whole world, but I will fight to the ends of the earth to keep her happy. Like I said in my lecture a few days back. As she would do the same for me. But I will also do everything I can to protect her and right now I feel so strongly in my heart that that is to have her know the truth. If he doesn’t tell her tonight I will. That’s a promise.
Even though I feel that that’s the right thing to do I’ve still been hesitant to tell her, because I love her and have never seen her this happy. She comes home spinning when she finished a date. She hums and whistles, wears makeup and dresses! She hasn’t done that, other than for holidays, since we were 7. Her depression has almost vanished completely and I love seeing her this way. I have no desire to be the one to ruin that, but I also can’t sit by and watch when I already can see what is going to happen when she finds out. I’ll tell her and be here for her when she needs me. I’ll keep her okay, it will all be okay.
Dear Journal, September 6, 2001
Tonight I have an important date with Cam! He planned it all and seems so excited, making me equally excited! I’m wearing this new red, hugging dress that despite my self image and self esteem issues, actually looks okay on me. I feel kind of pretty in it to be honest. Anna’s doing my hair even though she’s been acting sorta strange lately, especially towards my relationship with Cam. I’m glad she’s doing my hair though because if it were up to me, I’d look very similar to a homeless rat (I am not kidding, compare a picture of me on a bad day and a homeless rat and I’m sure you won’t be able to tell the difference). I’m seriously not kidding. The most I ever do with my hair is throw it into a ponytail and say it’s fine.
Cam has given me NO details except not to wear everyday clothes and be ready to eat some “delicious food”. I’m hoping that it’s going to be at my favorite restaurant, the only Italian one in our small little town (I’m a sucker for noodles). I also hope that he’ll have flowers for me when I see him… I know it’s cliche but I’ve alway loved receiving flowers, or even simply the idea of someone who loves and feels strong enough towards me to want to show it with a gorgeous bouquet of fresh flowers, daisies are my favorite. He rarely gets me flowers but when he does, I swear my heart skips a beat. It makes me feel so special.
All of that weirdness that Cam has been displaying the last few days has passed and it’s like it never happened. I don’t want to question it but it seems like it’s gone and I’m not complaining. I love the way Cam has been acting the past few days but there is one thing I’m worried about this date…
Cam wants to, you know, do it… He asked me if I wanted to and was ready to have sex, and I don’t know if I am. I mean I have a feeling that there are many girls who do it at younger ages than I am but I also understand that there’s an emotional toll that it can put on a relationship. I wish I could talk to Anna about this but I’m afraid she’ll judge me. Which is so unnatural because I’m never afraid to tell her anything but lately she’s been acting so different towards my relationship with Cam that I don’t think I should talk to her about it. Cam told me that he would understand if I decided that I wasn’t ready to or if I’m not ready yet and I trust that he wouldn’t mad if I say no for now. BUT… I don’t think saying no is what I’m going to do. Cam and I have been dating for awhile now and are pretty solid at least I feel like we are. I believe that we’re ready for it, that I’m ready for it… I may be wrong but my question is, how do you really know if you are ready for it or not?
We did it! It actually happened and I’m pretty sure we both enjoyed it. I’ll admit… I was super duper nervous at first and I know this is going to sound so conventional but he made me feel so safe. It was completely obvious that he was completely ready but also that could be because he is a teenage boy and most of them are ready by the time they hit puberty at least that’s what I’ve heard. He asked me approximately a fifteen times if I was sure about being ready and each time my yes got more enthusiastic.
I’m not going to lie and say it was magical because it really wasn’t. The thing it definitely was, was awkward. We may have strong feelings for each other but it didn’t matter, the complete and total awkwardness that plagued the whole thing didn’t go away. The awkwardness also didn’t take away anything that made it special. I don’t know how to describe what it was like, and no I am not by any means going to go into any detail, AT ALL. I’ll leave you with this… I think I love Cam and I’m glad that we had sex. The End.
September 7, 2001
Things about today:
-I don’t feel like writing today.
-Tomorrow’s my birthday.
-Marlee came home from her date after 10 last night and I was asleep.
-I didn’t do all of my homework because I was too worried about Marlee and how her date was going, and I don’t even care right now.
-My hair is not behaving today, it’s a complete frizz ball.
-Marlee was glowing this morning when she got up. My theory is that her date went well
-I haven’t told her about Cam because I’ve barely seen her all day, so I haven’t gotten a chance.
-I feel like Mar and I have switched places because I’m the non-bubbly one today meanwhile she’s practically bouncing off the walls with happiness. It’s actually, if it’s even possible, making me additionally grumpy.
-I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, it’s like something horrid is going to happen but I can’t tell when or predict what it is, my body is feeling it like I’m psychic or something.
-That last thing isn’t exactly true. Marlee’s heart is soon to be crushed and it’s going to be partially my fault.
Can I crumple this up?
September 8, 2001
I’ve decided that today is not going to be the day to tell her either. I know that you’re probably tired of hearing excuses, but it’s not the day. It doesn’t feel like our birthday should be ruined by some boy. I can comprehend that to her it’s not just some boy but maybe someday she’ll notice him that way and we can all continue on without Cam ever crossing our minds again.
This whole thing is completely changing my whole mood and everything about my personality. You’ve probably noticed it too. I don’t enjoy it and I would really appreciate it if it’d all stop. I love my usual peppy self, I always feel so light; I’m floating in a wondrous, endless blue sky on a bed sized white fluffy cloud. It’s refreshing and so relaxing, but lately, I feel I’m spiraling deeper and deeper underground. This Cam thing is weighing me down and, I am not a weight lifter. I barely passed gym class last year. I mean if you haven’t noticed, read what I wrote yesterday because come on, who was that?
Luckily Mar hasn’t noticed any of my mood changes, which simply shows how distracted she is. I can hear myself saying this over and over again but you need to understand this: I LOVE that she’s happy, I really do! What I don’t love is that it’s because of Cameron. Knowing what I have recently learned shows me that she’s not going to feel this angelic forever. I often worry that she won’t ever be able to enjoy her life without me. I only say this because her depression would, or could, be worse if I didn’t help her so much. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy making her feel better, I’m saying that I’m the one that helps her stay sane. I could never tell her this but it’s pretty much true. Man, everything I just said probably causes you to think that I’m some narcissistic jerk. I apologize. I’m in a continuous wretched mood and I’m out of ways to make it go away. Maybe I need a boyfriend.
Hmm, that’s something I haven’t talked about in awhile, my boy troubles. As you may remember, my longtime crush, Elliot Martin, moved away last year. He left me with a goodbye kiss and a promise of future communication, and that was that. The last action I got was a sweet gentle kiss from the boy I had been crushing on for years just before he moved across the country. Just my luck, maybe I just repel boys.
I’m not similar to most girls. I don’t put myself out there easily and rarely venture the distance to a first date. Since Elliot, Cam is the only person who’s shown interest in me and you’ve heard all about how that whole thing is going. Mar always says she’ll work on setting me up with someone but I always pass on her offer. Maybe my birthday wish should be to have a boyfriend, but I don’t see that happening.
Speaking of birthdays… They are my absolute favorite thing ever, especially ours. We always have the best time! When we were little Mom always worried that we’d fight over them because we have to share but sharing was never a fight we had. We loved sharing everything, including our birthdays. This feeling is something I doubt anyone could understand, I mean except maybe other twins but I’ve always thought that Mar and I are the only ones that feel it. Regardless, I promise it’s the most magical feeling ever!
I am so excited for Marlee to open the present I got her. This year I’ve done a perfect job picking out her present. I didn’t go overboard, I listened to what she truly wanted, didn’t spend too much money, it’s been great! She left the house before I got to see her this morning so I haven’t gotten to talk to her yet, let alone have her open her present. She left me a note by some cookies telling me to meet her at Coco Loco after school so we could talk. If anyone else asked me ‘to talk’ my stomach would be a flopping fish out of water but since it’s Mar I’m not in the least bit nervous. It’s probably just that she’s planning a sister date for our birthday. We always do something together, before we do any sort of family/friend celebration. I’m excited but scared to open what she got me because it’s rarely something totally epic but there have been other times where I want to ask, “Do you know me at all?”. Either way I love sharing a birthday with my best friend. <3
Dear Journal, September 8, 2001
Today is my 17th birthday, well Anna’s too. I got her a necklace with a purple butterfly that has gems down the middle, her name is engraved on the back. I’m also got us tickets for the premiere to see, Stephen King’s It, a movie that’s coming out in a month that she’s been talking about watching for months now. I’m not a huge movie theater person, I’m okay with waiting for things to come out on DVD but she always knows how to make it fun. She got me a book that I’ve been wanting to read that came out a few months ago or something, as well as a 50$ gift card to Coco Loco. Which is so cool but I never can understand why she spends that much money on me. It shouldn’t come as a shock to me anymore because she always goes overboard. Anna loves birthdays, as well as any event that involves her going shopping. I don’t mind our birthday, but I can’t imagine enjoying my birthday if it wasn’t shared between Anna and I. When we were kids I used to mind, but I don’t too much anymore. I don’t particularly adore all of the attention, but Anna mostly soaks all of it up.
Anna thrives on attention but not in that annoying, I wanna be a future superstar, kind of way. She’s always been a flower absorbing sunlight when around people. Me on the other hand, I shrink and shrivel when too much attention is being pointed towards me. Even when I’m presenting in front of a class, everyone looking at me causes my insides to curl. If Anna’s presenting to a class she takes it as a chance to perform. In case you can’t tell, she wants to be an actress someday. Well, okay, when I say that she corrects me so I might as well correct myself. Anna wants to be a MOVIE STAR. I had no idea that there was a difference but apparently, there is, and she’s intensely specific about it. I personally don’t think it matters either way because she’s obviously going to make it. Anything Anna sets her mind to she does it, it doesn’t even matter what it is, I’m not kidding.
So Happy Birthday to me, and no I don’t feel any older or any different, so don’t ask.
September 10, 2001
Marlee did have something very exciting to tell me. Well, exciting for her, not so much for me because it put me in that terrible situation again where I either needed to tell her the truth, crushing her heart with my bare hands, or simply nod and smile. She told me that her and Cam finally did it, and don’t ask me to explain what ‘it’ is, you should know. And no. I haven’t done ‘it’. That fact isn’t the reason I wasn’t happy for her; it wasn’t the reason I was upset. It’s who it was with, her practically cheating boyfriend. If I hadn’t told Cam never to talk to me again I would totally confront him about it because this truthfully makes me madder and in case you’ve forgotten. I’ve been pretty mad about the whole thing. I personally believe that he’s being a classic teenage boy, but regardless, that doesn’t mean it’s right, or that I’m any happier.
I’ve never had sex before, but from everything I’ve heard regarding it, and the fact that she did it with Cam, all makes me extra worried for her. I’ve heard about the emotional toll it can bring you. It’s a powerful feeling that can remodel a relationship. That’s one of the reasons why I am so worried about it and why I’ve chosen to wait. If this relationship is going to fall apart, the fact that she lost her virginity to this scumbag, I’m sure will affect the inevitable breakup. No matter what I’ll still be there for her because that’s pretty much my life assignment.
When she told me about the two of them, I didn’t react much. My expression varied on the line of icy cold, but I tried my best not to keep it there. The problem was that looking too happy would be lying to her, she might even see right through it. At this point I truly believe it could shatter her completely. As it was I was too quiet. She stood up and started yelling at me. She did the middle school girl thing where her voice changed to a high-pitched whine and she started to accuse me of being jealous. Her voice started to shake, and her face was turning bright red. I don’t think that I’ve ever seen her so mad. Red lines, like thin wire, were spidering on her eyes and they were starting to water. No matter what I said she wouldn’t listen. I pleaded with her to calm down and refrained from calling her insane. Eventually she, slammed money down onto the table and marched out the door. I was left at our usual table with total astonishment. The person that just yelled at me in front of all eyes in Coco Loco, was not Marlee. She has never acted that way before. I didn’t know what to do. Her words just rang through my mind like a song that sticks in your head. She thought I was jealous because I haven’t had sex, she did it first. But she should know better than anyone that I wouldn’t care about something like that. She knows that even if I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t be doing that. I personally have planned to wait, not until I’m married, because I’m not religious and that’s way too long, but at least until college. Mar knows this! She says that that makes me naive but she still respects and supports that. All I want is to be ready, and in a committed relationship before I let that whole thing happen.
After sitting there numb for what was probably too long, I went up to the counter, paid and then walked out. I walked the long way home, hoping that Mar might not be home. As I walked I started thinking… All of this Cam stuff has let me completely forget the fact that Mar and I are leaving for Los Angeles tomorrow to visit our cousins! I’m not kidding. We are leaving TOMORROW. Why am I not freaking out about not being packed yet? Why am I not rushing home to pack? What is happening to me? Our flight leaves around 8 am, we’re leaving around 4 am and Mom’s driving us down and I’m not even ready. It’s approximately a 2 hour drive to the Airport in Boston and we want to get there with at least an hour and a half before we have to be on the plane. This will be the first long vacation Marlee and I will be on by ourselves. Mom couldn’t take time off work to come with us but with a lot of begging and pleading she’s going to let us go!! We’re both so excited! Well, Mar and I haven’t talked much about it lately but I assume she’s as excited as I am. At least I hope she is…
Mar and I got into a huge fight about Cam, school, and the trip pretty much a blow up of everything pretty much as soon as I walked through the door. I don’t actually plan on reciting it all to you right now (or ever), maybe later(but probably not). Long story short Mar isn’t coming on the trip. I believe her words were, “I could never stand to spend 7 hours on a plane with you! And then add more days of being stuck with you? NO THANK YOU.”. Then she proceeded to do some sort of grr-ing and growling as she stomped away. So, I guess it’ll be me going to California and Marlee will sit, sulk, and not be relaxing on the beach. I’ll admit, it was painful, but I’m sure I said some hurtful things too. The fight was essentially me telling her about Cam and the let, well I tried to tell her but that’s what set off the whole battle.
After she walked off, mid-sentence BTW, I barged out of the house and went to Coco Loco to calm down the best I could. This was a time where I sincerely wished that I had a boyfriend because then I could run to him and tell him everything that happened. I’d cry into his shoulder and let it all out. He could hold me, kiss me, tell me everything’s going to be okay. BUT this isn’t some fantasy or a cheesy romance novel, this is the real world and in the real world there has been one guy, pretty much since second grade, that’s made it known that he’s interested and he also happens to be the same guy that is dating my sister and stole her virginity a few days ago.
Instead of a sweet boyfriend to draw comfort from all I have is a large hot chocolate with mountains of whipped cream. Writing isn’t even something I feel like doing right now, it’s making me more upset, so I’m going to stop and read my book. I may have picked up that book, Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas when I was at the store getting Mar’s present. My philosophy is, what’s wrong with getting yourself a birthday present? Anyways, I’m going to sit here and read and continue ordering hot chocolate until I’m feeling better or until they close, whichever happens first.
Dear Journal, September 10, 2001
Anna doesn’t understand. Support. Or care about my relationship with Cam. We got in a huge disagreement where she seriously punched and pummeled my feelings and I truly believe that this will change our whole relationship forever. The beginning of the story is that she’s been acting off all week whenever I approached the subject of Cam or my relationship with him in general. Secondly, she must be jealous there’s no other explanation. She’s never been jealous before and if she was I feel like she would have told me the truth. Our relationship has always been one where we are always honest with each other and tell each other everything no matter what, even if it hurts the other person. That’s one thing that hurts me about the argument we had because even during the discussion she denied being jealous. I wanted to ask what happened to our honesty policy, but I was too upset, and she ran off which was followed by me slamming the door behind her.
At this point, you’re probably wondering what happened. Basically, it all started when we were at Coco Loco hanging out. I had some news (Cam and I doing it…) and when I told her she started acting incredibly weird, fake like barbie weird. I’m not interested in writing all of my life on paper so I don’t feel like getting into it on here. It ended in me storming out and walking home. She didn’t come home for another few hours but that wasn’t nearly enough time for me to calm down.
When she got home I was sitting in the kitchen drinking some hot chocolate, still desperately trying to let go. Anna came in calmly and sat down next to me. She clearly calmed down or at least did so enough that it looked it from the outside. I told her I didn’t feel like talking to her but she wasn’t listening. She started talking about Cam and saying that Cam had told her something that makes her worried our relationship isn’t strong and she’s been trying to find a way to tell me but hasn’t been able to find the words. I stood up and as calmly as I could I told her I didn’t care what she had to say, I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. So she stopped and I turned away. “What about the trip?” she asked. Now that I think about it I don’t know why this question set me off, but it did. That’s when fight #2 started.
The whole thing ended up in my room, after her chasing me there, and me screaming at her to leave. I called Cam and asked him to come over. All I told him was that I needed him and he said that he was on his way, no questions asked. The rest of the night until now was spent cuddling with him in my bed and watching movies. He even made me popcorn and got candy and soda on his way over. This is one of the reasons why I think I might love him… but it’s still a pretty BIG might.