When he leaned in, I held my breaths for some reason. “Maybe you’re right, but what do I do when she’s my one yet I’m not hers?”
Hard to miss such a heavy hint, damnit. This whole night, this whole freaking night, it was a damn confirm that Tess is right ... Jake definitely doesn’t see me only as a friend, even I can realize that now. And it’s not even just about sex, it’s way more than that. I could feel it in the way his gaze never left me.
It wasn’t sexual. Or rather, not only sexual. That wasn’t the gaze of a friend, nor of a guy that wants merely to sleep with you. It was ... intense. It was the gaze of a man that knows he can’t have you and it tortures him. It was the gaze of a man that would give anything to have even only one chance with you.
I suppose that’s why, as my eyes fell on his lips for a split second, my tongue slipped: “You prove her wrong.”
It was a mere whisper, but Jake heard me, oh, he did ... because he tightened his grip on me, and leaned closer, his features showing not just surprise, also ... hope. But, like someone said, hope is only a tease designed to prevent us accepting reality.
Jake leaned in further, enough to graze my lips, and I unconsciously closed my eyes. Every muscle of my body was petrified, no matter how much I wanted to move, I just couldn’t. What is it with this man? How can he freeze me in my spot like this every time? How can he just command my body to obey him and only him no matter what I want? How can he have such an effect on me, no matter what I feel?
His arms slid around me, and he pushed me against the balustrade, somewhat eager, yet gentle, as if he were desperately trying to keep control over himself, yet he was craving to have more. Do I affect him that much? Duh, of course I do ... it’s odd, but you seriously think I didn’t feel the boner against my thigh? I’m virgin, not stupid. Even the most respectable guy, if he’s into you, if you arouse him, it’s obvious he’ll have a physiological reaction. Ryan too does, he ...
Before Jake’s lips could actually come in contact with mine, I slid out of his grip, disgusted with myself. How could I do this? How could I get to this without thinking of Ryan?
I raked a hand over my face, sighing. This is so absurd. “What ... what is it with you, Jake? Why do you do this to me? Why are you always ... what ... ughhhh!” I nearly twisted my wrist by punching the balustrade out of anger.
This is so ridiculous, so goddamn absurd. And these stupid shoes hurt like hell. Out of anger at myself more than anything, I slipped them off and threw them past him, letting them clatter against the glass window behind him, which inevitably broke. Jake didn’t even seem to bother. Hell, he didn’t seem surprised at all.
And why would he be? Of course he knows the effect he has on me. Of course he knows my brain goes in overdrive every time he touches me, of course he knows I can’t think straight when his hands are on me. Of fucking course he knows I’m attracted to him. He’s a bloodhound, didn’t he say that? He’s all too well trained to this.
Sighing, I closed my eyes and leaned against the balustrade, rubbing the bridge of his nose. The stupid contact lenses Tess had me wear were already hurting my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Surprisingly, he chuckled. “Sorry? Why?” He came to stand right in front of me, I could feel the heat oozing off his smoking hot body. I could feel just a little less cold because he was a mere inch away from me. And I’m not even sure I mean literally.
I pressed my eyelids together when my mouth wanted to betray me and let me moan as he pressed his body against me once again and I felt once more his erection. It’s just frustration. I’m sexually frustrated because I’m tired of being a virgin, that’s all. That’s all it is.
Yet as Jake placed his hands over my hips, I felt tingles all over my skin. When he trailed kisses all over my jaw and down to my neck, I felt the dire need to not only let him do, but also to join the whole game. “Is there a specific way to prove you wrong?” He murmured in my ear, and my treacherous heart quivered at the sexy sound of his voice.
“I ...” I didn’t mean myself? I didn’t mean prove me wrong? I didn’t mean to say what I said? My tongue slips on its own when it’s about you? My whole body is irresponsive to my commands when you touch me because it obeys solely to you? What? What is it that I was gonna say?
“How do I ... prove you wrong?”
You don’t. You simply don’t. Because I’m not wrong. I’m not, not, not wrong. Goddamit, then why couldn’t I just push him off me? It should be as easy as drinking a glass of water, yet no, I could barely move a muscle. The sole effort I could make was to keep my eyes closed, not to meet his hazel-greens. Tempting devil, he is a tempting devil ... but I won’t give in. No. No. No.
“I-I have a boyfriend.” I blurted out with one open eye. Why the hell did I say that? Why should I even state it? It’s not like I was doing anything ... I was just standing there, trying not to feel anything. Ugh, was it any man, I’d have already kicked him in the balls for this. Why not Jake? What does he have that shuts down my every self preservation instinct? How can he just ... lower my guard so easily?
Jake barely smiled. He grew our bodies if possible closer, and neared my lips, speaking in his damn sexy husky bass: “I know. And you’re not a cheater. That’s why I’m not going any further.”
Then get off me. Get off me, damnit, because I can’t even convince my mouth to say it out loud, let alone order my hands to push you off. “Jake ...”
His hand slid behind my neck, while the other sneaked around my waist, and he cracked the smallest, gentle smile. “There are so many things I’d wanna do with you tonight. And forever.” He grazed my lips, and my stomach churned, my heart thumping.
I hate this. I so hate this. He grasps at every fiber of my being, twists it into turning against me. He makes me revolt against myself. He makes me think yet be reckless. He makes me feel so many things altogether and I don’t want this, damnit.
My heart, it belongs to Ryan. Solely to Ryan. Maybe it’s soon, maybe it’s not, but whatever there is between us, what I was doing was so completely wrong and disgusting. I’ve been on the receiving hand of a cheating, goddamit, I know what it feels like. And Ryan ... Ryan’s been there too, how could I ... how can I do this to him? Why isn’t my damn brain responding to any of my commands?
“How ... how do you do this?” I heard myself murmur. “How ... how can you ...” I closed my eyes, trying hard to be rational.
“There is something between us, Silvia, and you know it.”
“No, I ...”
“You do.” Jake grazed the corner of my lips, sultrily yet ... caringly, as if badly needing to get more, yet not daring to go much further. “It might be an irresistible attraction that keeps pulling us together”, he claimed, pressing himself against me, so that I could feel every single bit of his perfectly ripped muscles, his lips lingering right before mine, almost nothing separating us. “But I doubt it’s merely sexual.”
He trailed kisses along my jaw, and I felt shivers down my spine, he kept right against his heart, therefore I could feel it beating against my chest, even though kicking off my heels made me lose six or seven centimeters on him. “Sometimes I feel like I’m Ulysses and you’re my Calypso. I keep trying to escape your charms yet you keep pulling me back in. The question, however, is not how ... it’s why.”
Come on, brain, work. Work, damnit. It’s just a man. Men don’t have power over me. Hormones don’t guide me, I’m a rational woman.
“Why do you keep doing this, Silvia?” Jake questioned, his lips brushing my earlobe. “Why do you keep on fleeing from me yet coming back?”
“I’m not ...”
“You tease me.”
“Yes, you do, baby.” He nibble on my neck the slightest, and, against my own will, I let out a sound that, undeniably, resembled too much a moan, which obviously had Jake chuckle. The jerk.
“You want me. Then you don’t. Then you want me again, but maybe not. It’s getting old. The truth is, you yourself don’t know what you want. Or should I say who?” He claimed.
“I know exactly who I want. I have a boyfriend.” I snapped, this time more securely, enough to slid out of his grip and finally push him off. “I don’t know what are you playing at, but this is ... it’s not right.”
“I’m not playing.” Jake stated firmly, grabbing my hand to pull me back into his arms.
Okay, why couldn’t I just kick him in the balls? I so wanted to. Yet ... no ... ughhhh, what the hell does he do to me?!
“That’s the problem with you, baby.” Jake mentioned with a sly smile. “You keep on judging the book by its cover.”
“I just told you I-”
“In your eyes I’m the stereotypical bad boy. The little thug with a tattoo or two, the player that jumps from one bed to another, the womanizer allergic to commitment. While your oh, so innocent Ryan is the good guy, the lovely angel that’ll never drag you onto the bad route.”
Is it me or did he sound mad? Why? Talk about confusing here. “I just told you what I think of you.”
“You say you think I’m a great guy, yet you’d never give me a chance, would you?”
“Yeah, saying my name isn’t an answer, baby. You of all people should know how words work.”
I gave him a dirty look. Well, that’s how you unfreeze my rational side, thank you, Jake. “You’re such a jerk.” I spat, finally realizing that because of this whole game of his my jacket had slipped off my shoulders, so picked it up. “I thought I’d told you since the beginning, I’m not of your bitches.”
“I never treated you like one more notch on my belt, and you know that.”
“No? Really? You keep coming on me so hard, you-”
“It’s not my fault if you’ve got a stick up your ass that’s forbidding you to realize what really you want.”
I don’t believe my ears. This is ... ugh. Whatever. “Really, Jake, you’ve got one hell of a talent for pissing me off.” I spat, my hands itching to slap his moronic face. I kept my cool, though. All I did was storm off and leave this goddamn place. So much for believing he’s a hidden gem.
Sighing, I leaned over the balustrade, eyes on the street, watching her leave. I made her so mad this time, I don’t think she’s gonna speak to me for a few weeks.
“Why did you do that?” I heard my best friend’s voice from behind me.
I cracked a small, bittersweet smile. “Seriously, Fitz, you stalk me too now? Guardian angel, ok, but you’re starting to resemble an obsessive fangirl.”
He came to stand beside me, his look grim. “She may have not realized, but I know you. I know what you did.”
“What?” I laughed cynically. “What did I do so bad this time?”
“You pissed her off on purpose.” He stated. “All you said, all that nonsense, it was to piss her off and drive her away. You got to one mere inch from her heart, yet you stepped back. And I can’t understand why the hell would you do that.”
“She has a boyfriend, didn’t you hear?” I spat. “Saint Ryan. Oh, so perfect, so good, so innocent. What’s a corrupted bad boy compared to Mr. Nice Guy? We’re Angel and Devil. Between Gabriel and Lucifer she picked Gabriel, can you blame her?”
“You keep doing it, Jake.” Fitz bit back with that condescending tone I hate. “You keep pushing everybody away as soon as they seem to get any closer to you. You did it with Olivia and now you’re doing it all over again with Silvia.”
“Ugh, please, I’m too sober for one of your lectures. Give me some vodka or fuck off, Colin.” I reached for my pocket, hoping to find what I needed. Good thing I bought them yesterday.
“I’m not gonna stand there watching while you destroy yourself, Jake.” My annoying guardian angel spat, grasping my hand before I could bring the cigarette to my mouth. I quit over ten years ago, but lately I find smoking relaxes me whenever I can’t get access to my VAS. Violence, Alcohol, Sex, in case you’d forgotten.
“Oh, please, it’s not going to be lung cancer to kill me, don’t worry.” It will most certainly be me to kill me. Or a deluded fling maybe. For some reason women love me until we have sex ... later, not so much. Who knows why.
However Fitz didn’t listen. You see, sanctimonious people have this issue, they keep wanting to save everybody, even lost causes like me. So Fitz took the cigarette from my hand and threw it out of the balcony, predictably.
“You know, you should ask Silvia to introduce you to her boyfriend. Between innocent angels you’ll get along, I’m sure.” I fished my pocket for another cigarette. This time I successfully lit it up.
“You’ll regret this, you know you will.”
I rolled my eyes, inhaling my sweet oblivion. “What? Smoking? Told you, it won’t be lung cancer to kill me. You should be glad, I might do drugs instead of-”
“You keep pushing her away, she won’t come back.”
“No shit, Sherlock. Maybe that’s the plan.” You didn’t see that one coming, did you? Or maybe yes. In the end, you must have learnt to know me.
Fitz came to stand right in front of me, his look as serious as it could get, but then, he’s always so grim. I wonder if that’s why he’s always single. There can’t be a girl that would endure his pestering holy aura.
“Don’t look at me like that, Colin. You know how it is.” I’m so tired of stating and restating the obvious. After so many years he should have learnt. “I am what I am, a lost cause. Why would I drag her down with me? Shouldn’t you thank me? I’m saving her from ruin.”
“You’re saving yourself.” He spat.
I laughed. “That’s funny, because last I checked, it was my heart at stake. Don’t you think driving her away would be um ... counterproductive? I mean, I’m not exactly an expert, but usually you don’t easily let go of the girl you’re in love with, do you?”
Shit. Don’t grin. I know, I just said it, but don’t you dare be happy about it.
“You just answered yourself.” Mr. Saint bit back, and I kinda felt like punching him for being always that annoying angel on my shoulder that he is. “You love her.”
I gritted my teeth, crushing the cigarette in my hand. I didn’t even feel the burn on my skin. “Don’t you even try ...”
“You’re in love with Silvia, Jake. You love her. That’s why you’re so scared. It’s really the most classic situation. You love her, she loves him, and that freaks you out ... because you feel. Your heart has restarted to bleed, and you can’t take that.”
“Colin ...” I’m gonna punch him, I’m so gonna punch him.
“You know I’m right. You keep making one step forward and five backwards with her. You think I don’t know why?”
I snorted. “You know shit. I suggest you just-”
“You’re hurting. You keep pushing her away because you love her and it hurts and you can’t stand it. You keep playing this game with her because you’re so damn scared that it’s gonna hurt so much worse once you’ve had her. You’re terrified.”
“Colin, I swear ...”
“Abandonment issues, isn’t that what the therapist called it?”
He’s really asking for it, I swear.
“You’re terrified because you may actually get to her. She may actually love you. but then you could lose her. If she leaves you, then everything you’ve been holding onto until now will just ... fall apart, and you’ll be shattered. Once again.”
I scoffed. “You really know shit, Colin. You got it all wrong. Again.”
I clenched my jaw, unnerved. One more thing about sanctimonious people: they always think they know it all, yet they know shit. “There’s nothing to shatter. Because I’ve never been whole. And maybe I’m scared shitless, yes. But not for the reason you think.” I pushed off the balustrade, facing him up close. “Everyone I’ve ever loved suffered the worst pain. Everyone that’s ever loved me has gone through Hell. Maybe, I don’t know, I wanna keep the one girl from it? Maybe this is out of pure sense of humanity, I’m just trying to keep her safe.”
“It’s bullshit, and you know it. You-”
“It’s killing me, alright?!” I snapped, yelling in his face. “I’m in love with her and it’s fucking killing me! Because we’re not good for each other. We’d only tear each other apart. I know that, she knows that, we both know that, but that doesn’t stop this from hurting like hell, alright?! It hurts like nothing ever has. It kills me every fucking day, and I can’t stop myself from flying too close to the sun, but that doesn’t mean I should touch it.”
I keep stepping back because if she loves me, she’ll be doomed. I keep stepping back because if she left me, I don’t know what would be of me. I keep stepping back because I know I could get to her heart the same as she got to mine. And you know why?
Because they’re fit for each other, our hearts. The cracks, the holes, the ruptures, they all fit. Two tainted hearts could make a whole one. We keep pushing yet pulling because we both know it, deep down, that what binds us is not sexual, it’s on a soul level, but at the same time, it’s our doom.
in the end, we were doomed from the start. We could be each other’s safety and at the same time each other’s ruin. And I don’t want that. I said I was here to fix her, doesn’t that entail not breaking her more than she already is?