He stared at me for the longest time, awestruck, which was terribly annoying, because damnit, what’s there to think? I’m offering what you’ve been wanting since forever, shouldn’t you just take it before I change my mind? I mean, Jeez. First he comes so hard on me, yet now that I’m saying yes, he hesitates. What the fuck is wrong with men?
I sat there on his lap, right before his crotch, completely naked and willing. I just gave him a blowjob, for fuck’s sakes. Last I did it, it was to my ex. The ex-ex, I mean. Alex. Ryan and I never ... ugh, whatever. It’s not like I’m gonna think of that douche now, it’d only serve to spoil my mood.
I bit my lip, inching closer to Jake. “So ...?” I murmured in his ear, as sensually as I could, even though I’ve never been much of a temptress. “You up for it or not?” Hopefully I didn’t sound needy. There’s nothing that turns a man off more than a needy woman, Tess says.
Jake just stared at me, though. Just ... stared. As if I were some wild animal he couldn’t understand. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these men? First Ryan with that stupid declaration, now Jake and his doubts ... ugh, right when you need a take-charge-man, they flee scared.
I swallowed, trying not to be affected by the fact that Jake was basically rejecting me, which means I just made a fool of myself. I took a deep breath. I need not to think right now. And sex would make it a lot, lot easier. But I guess that to him it was fun only as long as he did the chasing, me literally throwing myself at him like this might be a turn off. Ugh, men.
“Jake.” I called. “It’s not a million dollar question. You want me or not? I’m right-” Before I could finish, he flipped us, so that he was straddling me, and he pinned down my wrists. I could feel his boner restarting to grow. Maybe we’re actually getting somewhere. Finally.
“I’d take you right here, right now, baby.” Jake claimed, and I bit my lip, glad that he was finally seeing light. “But ...”
I groaned, exasperated. “No buts. Just do it. I’m here. I want it.” I hooked my legs behind his back, having to do my hardest not to moan at the feeling of his erection so close to my core. “Just ... hmmm ... just fuck me.”
“No. No Silvia. Just fuck me, Jake. Isn’t that what you’ve been wanting all along? Well, take it.”
Instead he pulled back. Seriously, was it only all about the chasing? As long as I said no he was turned on, now that I say yes he doesn’t want it anymore?
Jake sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I’d take you in a heartbeat, baby, but ... this is not right. It’s not the right moment or setting or ... it’s just not right.”
I growled out of dissatisfaction. And I thought he wouldn’t even think it twice. I guess I overestimated the manwhore in him. “You gotta be kidding me! You’ve been harassing me since day one for this! And now ... I just gave you a blowjob, for God’s sakes!”
“And it was the best ever, but, baby, you know as much as I that you’re doing this for all the wrong reasons.”
Since when he’s the voice of reason? “So what? Let’s just do it.” Fuck precautions, I’m tired. I need this, I goddamn need something to stop the burning in my heart. I just ... need it. And I thought he’d take up on his offers, but apparently I was wrong. I suppose Tess is right, there’s nothing that turns off a man more than a needy woman. It was hot for him when I resisted, now that what he’s always wanted is right there at his service, he doesn’t want it anymore.
Ugh. Men are like children. They whine, stomp their feet, make a huge fuss out of a toy they absolutely want, and once they have it, they just drop it to the ground and move on to the next.
Jake sighed. “You’re probably trying to get back at Chicago guy for some reason. Normally I’d be on your side, but ... this is not right.”
“It’s because I’m a virgin, isn’t it? I thought you liked that. Didn’t you want to be my first?” And they say we women are fickle. What about men, then? They change their minds like a girl changes clothes. I’m so sick and tired.
Jake rolled his eyes. “You’re not listening.” He grumbled.
I scoffed, getting rid of his grip to sit properly, but I couldn’t because he was basically keeping me pinned with his weight. Funny how we were both mostly naked yet we were having a discussion instead of doing the dirty deed. Oh, wait, it’s not funny ... it’s just damn frustrating. “I’m naked beneath you, Jake. Naked.” I grabbed my boobs for show, and squeezed them together. “See? They’re here for you? What’s taking you so damn long to make up your mind?”
“I don’t have to. Simply I won’t do anything when you’re like this.”
“You’ll thank me someday.” He pulled back, and stood. He seriously stood, then zipped his pants back up.
I leaned on my elbows, frowning. “You’ll regret this.” I know I do. Now I’ll have to find another way around these goddamn thoughts. If sex isn’t the answer, then I don’t know what is. Aside from sleeping pills, I mean. Ok, maybe it was just a tad bit about revenge too. Just a bit.
Jake laughed, the jerk. “Oh, I know I will. But I also know you’ll come around someday. Then we’ll make up for all the time we’ve wasted.”
I scoffed. “Dream on, buddy.” I sat up. “You’ve just missed your chance. This train only leaves once, and you just missed it.” The words sounded tacky even to my ears, I know, but I couldn’t help myself.
Jake bent down, and took me off guard by gripping my chin, staring straight into my eyes. He pecked my lips, and I hoped he’d changed his mind, even though at this point my pride would tear me apart, but no ... he merely teased me, pulling back before I could enjoy it. See? He’s a predator, he hates being prey, it turns him off. I should have known.
“One day you’ll come around, you’ll see.” Jake murmured against my lips, his fingers grazing my chin. He kissed me as softly as I’d never expected him to, eyes half closed. “One day you’ll realize, there’s something between us. Something neither of us can control. Something that binds us inevitably.” Jake’s breath seemed shaky somehow. “One day you’ll love me like I do, Silvia. I just hope I’ll have the time to minimize the damage.”
“The ... damage?” He just said ... no, he can’t have said ... not him too ...
Jake inhaled a deep, melancholy sigh as he left his forehead against mine. “Loving me would cost you more than you could possibly give, baby. And I would be a selfish fool to let you. But ... may God forgive me, even a cold stone heart like mine needs relief sometimes, and the trouble is, you’re the only one that can give it.”
“Jake ...” No, no, no. I need the hype, the seduction, not the feelings. No feelings, damnit. I left Ryan purposely, for God’s sakes. No feelings involved. Ugh.
Jake closed his eyes, and pecked my lips. “I know, you don’t wanna hear it. But if it serves to help you regain your senses, then I’ll just lay it down, thick and thin.”
“I love you, Silvia.” There you go, he just had to say it. “There’s nothing you could do with a corrupted heart like mine, but it’s yours, and I won’t deny it, it does hurt. I-”
“I think our roads need to separate here.” He blurted out before I could argue.
I blinked my eyes, marveled. “What?” How the hell did we go from sex to this? Where the hell does this come from?
Jake barely cracked a smile. “It’s really for the best, you know. This way I can make sure you don’t get feelings you shouldn’t, and I ...” he laughed melancholically, if that is even possible, “... and I, well, I can come to terms with all of this.”
“You gotta be kidding me!” This can’t be happening. What the hell is with him? Why does he change his mind and attitude so quickly? Why does he keep turning tables? First he’s all cocky and flirty, then he gets me mad, then I find him at my place when I most need comfort, which is sweet if I ignore the creepy sneaking into my bed while I was asleep part, and now ...
“I’m not, really.” Jake cracked a bittersweet chuckle. “For once I’m really serious. And I seriously think it’s for the best.”
I stood, uncaring of how naked I was, and faced him, without bothering to get dressed either. Let him feel uncomfortable, it’s his punishment for being so stupid. “If you think you can just decide whom am I friends with or not, then you don’t know me at all, Jake.”
He rolled his eyes, turning to look to the left, towards my wardrobe, where he headed. He grabbed the first thing he found, which happened to be the jersey of my favorite soccer team, which I brought here with me as a charm more than clothing item, and he threw it at me. “If we’re gonna have this conversation, at least get dressed.”
“Said the man whose V-line was in full view.” I didn’t even need to imagine it, that V was like a straight arrow pointing at his crotch. It almost made me laugh that he swiftly pulled up his jeans, though.
As I grudgingly put on the jersey, which didn’t cover my panties anyways, Jake heaved a deep sigh. “Silvia, I don’t understand you. I just told you I ... I just told you I love you. How can you not see why do I need to detach from you?”
I sighed, sitting at the edge of the bed. “I understand why. I just ... don’t want it.”
“You make me anxious when you call me Silvia.” I tried to smile, despite the whole load of awareness that just dropped onto my shoulders. I really can’t make one single thing right. Matt spoke the truth, I suppose. My heart’s been so long unused that it’s now full of cobwebs, and any fool that ventures in is bound to remain trapped and consequently be hurt. It happened with Ryan, now it’s happening with Jake.
“Better Angel with Horns?” Jake chuckled humorlessly.
I looked up, and the sole fact that I could so vividly see the cracks of his broken façade felt like a harsh punch in the stomach. “Jake, I ...” Care about you, I guess. I probably do for real. But feelings? Those feelings? When it comes to my heart, I’m afraid there’s not much place left.
“Please, spare me the whole speech.” He cut me off. “I don’t need it.”
“You probably care about me, yes, I know that. But no more than caring. I know that too.”
“You don’t get it, Silvia. It’s better if you don’t. I don’t want you to love me. But I know it’s inevitable. And not because I’m a conceited jackass, but because I know, and deep down you do too, that what binds us is way stronger than us. We won’t be able to fight it forever. That’s why better safe than sorry.”
I shook my head. This doesn’t make any sense. “So you’re saying you love me, but you don’t want me to love you, yet you know someday I will because I won’t be able to escape? Are you even hearing yourself, Jake?”
He sighed, coming to sit beside me. The image of him wearing only jeans and me only with a soccer jersey on should have been absurd and hilarious at the same time, but the moment was too serious to think of that. What I did feel was the warmth oozing off his body. Somewhat comforting. Especially when he came real close, until our skins touched. It felt intimate, sweet, as if it were somehow how it was meant to be yet not entirely.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe there really is something that binds us tightly, but what if he read it all wrong and it’s not ... love. Not that kind of love, at any rate. What if we’re only bound to be the best of friends?
Maybe beyond the attraction, beyond the pushing and pulling we keep on doing, there really is something deep. Yet it might not be the ... romantic ecstasy he seems so afraid of. I think it might, quite simply, be a friendly bond. The same kind of thing I have with Tess, yet just a little deeper. The kind of endlessly deep bond I had with-uh ... never mind. I’d ... rather not talk about her, if you don’t mind.
Let’s focus on Jake, shall we?
“Answer me only this, Silvia.” He solemnly demanded. “Are you in love with Ryan?”
“You’re ignoring the point here. This is not about Ryan. It’s about you and I, your absurd words, your-”
“Just give me a goddamn answer.” He snapped.
I arched an eyebrow at him. “It’s none of your business.”
“Given what I feel, what we have, what’s between us, I have every right to know.”
“There’s nothing between us, Jake. We’re friends.” And there is goes the echo in my head again ... ‘you’re a bitch, a ruthless, heartless bitch ...’ For God’s sakes, what is wrong with me? The guy just told me he ... ugh, why do things have always to be so complicated with me?
“I’ll assume that’s just your pride speaking and we’ll move on. Are you or are you not in love with Ryan?”
“Are you or are you not in love with Ryan?”
“I didn’t tell him, why would I tell you?”
“Are you or are you not in love with Ryan?”
“Ugh, for God’s sakes, yes! Yes, I’m in love with Ryan! So what?” I leaped to my feet, exasperated. Why the hell does he keep jumping from one thing to the other?
“And did you tell him?” He seemed to be putting a great deal of strength into looking calm, but I could see through the façade. Enough to see the blade I just pierced his heart with by voicing those words so loudly. Once again I do what I do best: I hurt someone I care about and I can’t do anything to fix it.
However, that doesn’t change that he was being unreasonable. “Are you fucking kidding me?! What is wrong with you? One moment you tell me ... things, then you go and talk about how we can’t be friends, and now you basically throw me into Ryan’s arms. What are you, bipolar or something?”
Jake stood, unnervingly calm, or so it seemed, and came to stand right before me. He grabbed a hold of my shoulders, and smiled, even though his face barely showed it. “It’s exactly because I love you that I’m doing this, Silvia. You think it doesn’t hurt?” He took my hand in his, and I won’t deny I felt shivers somehow, but it was nothing. He guided my hand to his bare chest, at level with his heart, which I could feel beating at a mad pace the moment he lay my hand over that exact point. “Feel that? That’s what it does every time you’re this close. Stupid, right?”
“Jake ...” I tried to retrieve my hand, but he didn’t let me.
“The point I’m trying to make is that, if you love Ryan, then we’re somewhat safe. You are somewhat safe. From me, that is.”
“Jake, this is ridiculous ... why would I need to be safe from you? As absurd as it may sound, I’m perfectly aware that you’d never hurt me. You’re-”
“You can’t see it, can you?” He spoke, nearing me, enough for our bodies to be even too close. “You can’t see what lies ahead of us.”
He nodded, and I startled when he caressed my cheek, gluing our bodies together. The heat oozing off his body seemed to envelope me whole, but I resisted to the temptation to touch him. He just rejected me, after all.
“I can see it all too clearly.” Jake said. “Ahead of us, if we do this, lie only pain, heartbreak, sorrow. Ahead of us there’s nothing but destruction. That’s why I’m asking. Because if you do love Ryan, then tell him. Save yourself. Make sure you live a happily ever after beside him.”
“I’m no good for you, baby. Deep down you know it too.” He sighed, barely grazing my lips. “Deep down you know our souls will always call for each other, but if we don’t let them, then we have-you have a chance at surviving.”
“You ... you speak as if you’d destroy me, was I to ... love you.” I heard myself murmur, suddenly feeling lost. This whole speech of his made no sense to me until I put it into the right perspective. In the end, he was saying the very same things I tell myself when it comes to Ryan.
“You know I would.” Jake said. “You prefer to ignore it, but you know, Silvia, you know. Deep down you know just how dangerous I am to your heart, to your life.” He sneaked an arm around my waist, pulling me into him, and I bit my lip not to yelp. “You know the threat I embody is not physical. You know I ... you know I could be poison to your heart, that’s why you keep fighting. I thought Ryan was only a decoy, but maybe ... he’s the antidote. Maybe he’s what’ll save you from me.”
“I ... can’t be with him.” I admitted out loud for the first time.
“You don’t understand.” I pulled back so violently that I hit the wardrobe, but I ignored it. “You think you’re poison to my heart, well I am to his heart. Wouldn’t it be cruel to dwell on this even while knowing just how much damage could I cause? You’re stepping back not to hurt me, shouldn’t I do the same with him?”
Jake’s smile barely reached his lips, and that’s the third time it happens today. “I’m afraid you’re asking the wrong person, baby. If there’s one thing I can’t help with, that’s your feelings for Ryan.” He sighed, raking a hand over his face. “All I can say is, if he makes you feel even only a half of what I feel with you, then he’s a keeper.”
It wasn’t a nice sight. Watching her put two and two together, then swiftly throw on the first pair of pants she found together with some sneakers, and rush out. It wasn’t a nice sight, watching her realize just how wrong she’d been in letting Ryan leave. But it was for the best. For her best, at the very least.
I know you disagree, but I also know what I’m doing. The way with which she threw herself at me, only when she let slip those words, that “be my pain killer”, I realized. I realized she wasn’t trying to spite him because he’d rejected her or anything. She was trying to forget him. She was trying to ease her own pain.
I wouldn’t have cared, I could be her pain killer any time she wants me to, in any way she needs. But it wasn’t right.
It’s not that she’s a virgin. Simply, I had to make my own choice. Let her walk down the worst path while trying to ease her pain, or nudge her into the right direction. I suppose I did one good deed for once.
Just because it hurts me, doesn’t mean it’s not the best for her. Like I said and said and said ... we’d be each other’s ruin. We’d burn each other out. Or worse, I would burn her out.
We’re two lost souls in search of a place to call home, the difference is, she may have found it, but had she done it her way, she’d have lost it. To me he’s a sanctimonious jerk, but Ryan is better than I for her. Indubitably.
He can give her what I never could. And maybe I’m a coward, but on the long run, I know I’m right. I just hope I can convince my heart to see it the same way.