I remained there frozen, eyes wide open, not sure what to do. Be it that I was kinda stuffed with pain killers, be it that Silvia was still sitting on my thigh, still pressed against me, still hugging me, my mind was in a complete haze.
Let’s ... let’s just rewind here. Did she ... did she just say what I think she just said?
She can’t have, right? I mean, last I heard of her, she was pining over Ryan. Now she ... no, it’s probably the pain killers. I’m hallucinating. It’s definitely the pain killers. She can’t have seriously said that. “Are you fucking serious??” Uh, that just came out loud, didn’t it?
I mean, this can’t be happening, right? I’ve waited this moment for so long, it can’t just be happening like that, while I’m basically high due to the mix of pain killers and morphine.
Silvia laughed, inevitably. “I think I am, yes. Should I rethink it?”
“It would probably be a better idea.”
She furrowed her brows. “Are you serious? I just told you ...” she rolled her eyes, standing. “You know what, this was a huge mistake, I-”
I grabbed her arm before she could leave. “Bear with me, baby,” I pulled her onto my lap again, even though the effort was kinda painful for my bones, “it’s been so long ... I can’t even wrap my head around it.” Besides, In my defense, pain killers were kinda making me feel weird, so I could as well be one step away from shouting that the government is spying us 24/7 and they know everything we – ah, right, that’s true. Never mind.
“It’s alright.” Silvia half smiled. “I can’t quite grasp it either, but ... it’s true.”
“Is it?” Ah, fuck, my mind’s pretty gone, I need to sleep. I feel like they fucking drugged me. Well, technically, morphine is a drug. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that after the pain killers they gave me, huh?
“You don’t believe me?” Silvia arched an eyebrow at me, and I squinted my eyes when I started seeing double.
Before I could answer, Fitz and Serene entered, with her still huffing, all mad because we didn’t tell her about the accident. Obviously Tess had to be a blabbermouth. My sister’s been fighting with her ... uh ... my best friend since she got here. I just can’t bring myself to call him ... that b word in regards to my sister.
“I’m sorry, sorry, sorry!” Fitz claimed, exhausted.
Serene snorted. “As if that’s gonna cut it. You lied to me!” Then she stomped out of the room again. My sister can be very melodramatic.
“I didn’t! I just ... didn’t tell you. You know he wanted that. Right, Jake?”
I blinked my eyes, confused. “Uh ... yeah?” It’s weird how I was fine minutes ago, and only now pain killers mixed with morphine were kicking in, I think I was a mere inch away from seeing rainbows and unicorns and hearing voices. Maybe I’m going insane after all. It’s a wonder it didn’t happen before.
Silvia squeezed my hand. “You alright?”
I nodded. Why wouldn’t I be alright? I was perfectly fine. I couldn’t even feel my wounds anymore, despite the struggle that standing was earlier. Ok, maybe that’s because I kinda took some more morphine when Silvia wasn’t looking.
Mmh ... note to self: pain killers and morphine together don’t do any good to the mind. Hell, I should know that, I’ve done this so many times. It’s not quite an addiction, it’s more of a ... necessary evil in times like this.
Funny how this was sort of a heritage. My mom died because of a mix of medicines she took. Wait, no, let me rephrase that ... she fucking died because of a cocktail of medicines I fucking gave her. Basically, I helped my mom to commit suicide. Awesome, right? I guess that’s not what good boys do.
Good boys, even when their mom begs them to help them leave this horrible life, other than comply, they race away to call the doctor. They don’t flirt with a nurse to get what they need and then kill their mother. Nope. Good boys don’t do that. Good boys try to help their mom to heal, they don’t bury her only more.
See, Ryan wouldn’t have done that. He would have been a perfect good boy and he’d have called the doctor. He wouldn’t have practically committed euthanasia, which, by the way, is pretty illegal in Massachusetts, and even if it weren’t, it regards medical assisted suicide. As a matter of fact, being a common person and handing someone a lethal cocktail of medicines is the equivalent of committing first grade murder, or at least that’s what my uncle’s lawyer said.
“I killed my mom.” I whispered, not meaning for anyone to hear, but judging by the way Silvia’s grip on my shoulder tightened, she did hear me. That might explain why did she turn to Fitz and murmured something I didn’t catch.
He stood there for a few moments, then nodded and left. Where did he go? Not to his girlfriend, I hope. How’s it even possible? Aren’t there like, over a hundred years between them? No, wait ... that was Angel and Buffy, right?
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I know this feeling. I know how it works. Morphine and the other medicines were numbing my mind, my thoughts were being set free, and if I didn’t watch my tongue, I might say things I never would. Like, the fact that I am, as a matter of fact, a murderer.
Silvia kneeled before me, and cupped my face, which made me smile, but she looked serious. “Jake, look at me. What is it?”
I grinned sheepishly. “You’re so gorgeous.”
“It’s true, and I fucking love you. I just ... love you.” She sighed, but I didn’t listen. “You should leave him. Be with me. I’m gonna make your life a living nightmare, but I’ll love you.”
Her eyes widened. Oh. Maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say, now, was it? I didn’t even know what I was thinking, my mind went on by itself, commanding my tongue to slip without my consent.
I was halfway between reasoning and being a mere spectator, and I guess that the grin plastered on my face didn’t really make me look much sane, because Silvia got closer, and opened my eyes wide, looking into them, and a moment later her hazels widened, too, and she yelled something, calling for someone.
I kinda felt my head heavy, I kinda sank towards the wall, to lean on it, feel better, but Silvia kept me from it, holding my head as she yelled again. I could only see her beautiful lips moving, but I couldn’t tell what she was saying, and it’s weird that I was conscious, I mean, I’ve been – I’ve had such symptoms many other times and I know what’s coming, so why was I still conscious?
I grinned crookedly when I realized. Of course. I had my gorgeous sweet angel with horns right in front of me and she just told me she loves me. How could I close my eyes?
“Jake! Jake, talk to me!”
I was talking, wasn’t I? Why was she worried? Ah, right ... morphine. Maybe I took too much. I mean, I took some when Serene got out to fight with Fitz, then before Silvia entered, and when she wasn’t looking ... mmh ... that makes a lot, doesn’t it? Wait. I can control this. I have, I already have more than once. Right? Fuck, my head was pulsing. I could feel my fucking synapses pulsing.
Unconsciously, I reached for Silvia’s hands on my face, watching her, even though my vision was starting to blur. She pressed her palms against my cheeks, and I think her eyes watered, but maybe it was just my vision blurring ... did I mention that my vision blurred? Yeah, it was blurring. I blinked my eyes to fix it, and it did, but Silvia was still there watching me, worried, her eyes watery.
“I’m fine.” I drawled out. I’m fine. Of course I am, why shouldn’t I be? I only took some morphine to take in the pain, it’s nothing I’ve never done. I’ve hurt myself so many times I couldn’t even count. Well, I haven’t hurt myself, people have on my behalf.
Happens when you fight, right? I mean, boxing players do get hurt a lot, right? I always won but I got hurt too. Like that time this giant knocked my head against the concrete. It made me grin. If I hadn’t had the thick skull I have, I would have gotten hurt, right?
Silvia yelled again, and in the background I could kinda see Mr. Good Boy coming in, asking what happened, and I chuckled when my sweet angel cursed: “Where are the fucking doctors?! Call a fucking doctor! He’s on overdose!” Overdose? Overdose of what? Ah, right.
When Mr. Good Boy left, I grinned at my sweet angel. “Is he treating you right? Because if he isn’t, I’m gonna fix it, okay?” I moved to stand up, but she didn’t let me.
Tears were welling up in her eyes and I didn’t know why. I reached for her cheek, wiping those tears away, but only more fell. “Don’t do this to me, Jake. Don’t ... leave me like this.” Was it her to whisper that? I mean, I did see her beautiful lips moving, but they were disconnected, and her voice was distant. Damn, my vision got blurred again.
Then I heard shouts and yells and people rushing. Silvia left my face, and I stretched my hand to still be able to touch her, but I couldn’t, and I was only touched and tested by strangers, someone cupped my face in her place and pointed a light into my eyes, and I only heard them saying myosis, and giving some orders that I’m pretty sure weren’t in English because I couldn’t understand a fucking word he-she said.
“I’m here.” I realized I’d called out her name only when I heard Silvia confirming me she was there, but I couldn’t see her, yet I heard someone reproaching her: “Miss, you can’t stay here.”
I wonder what was going on. People in there were a blur, the whole fucking place was a blur, I could feel my system going on autopilot mode because I couldn’t command it anymore, I was like a silent observer in there, yet I was present, I mean, it’s not like I was in a coma or crap like that, I was there, I was physically there, yet I couldn’t command my system, though I could feel my heart pumping, my blood racing, and ... fuck, I can’t breathe, I cannot fucking breathe!