I'm Here to Fix You

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Chapter 5


“Thanks for the nice evening.” I commented with a small smile once Matt pulled over by my building.

He smiled. “Thank you for seeing me again.”

I chuckled. “Why, you thought I wouldn’t?”

He shrugged, flustered. “Well, I thought I hadn’t really-uh ... impressed you the first time, so I was already amazed that you said yes to a second time, and now a third ... I feel blessed.”

I laughed. “Really? That sounds exaggerated.”

“No, really ...” Wow, he looked serious. Why can’t men just take things easy? What’s the goddamn rush in everything?

“Matt, I ...” Time to cut off the rope already, I guess. Serves me right for going on more than one date. I like Matt, really, but ... I might have taken for granted we were on the same page while in fact we weren’t. I thought it was going well, we could chill, take it slowly, no big deal, yet here we go ... third date, no kiss, no touchy feely whatsoever, yet he gets all serious. Damnit.

“No, please, don’t say it, Silvia.” Matt turned to me, his brown eyes showing something between fear and hesitation. “I only meant to say I didn’t expect you to enjoy going out with me. That’s all.” He chuckled nervously. “I didn’t mean to make it awkward, sorry.”

“Why are you so surprised I want to hang out with you?” I questioned, confused. Tess says I look either angry all the time or too snobbish to bother, that must be why guys never approach me, she says. Did Matt too think I’m a snob? Damnit, all my life I’ve had people doing this. Why are you angry? What’s wrong? Why are you so silent? Why are you such a bitch? It’s just my goddamn face, people. Deal with it. It’s not my fault if I look angry while in fact I’m just thinking, and as for smiling ... well, I’ve never been the smiley kind of girl, sorry.

Matt took a deep breath, as if readying himself to say something big. “Well, Silvia ...” he trailed off, his gaze fixating on the steering wheel, which was annoying per se, because, my God, man, if you gotta tell me something, just do it. Grow some balls, for God’s sakes!

Ugh, forget that, these days I’ve got more balls than most guys my age.

“What is it?” I encouraged, also because I wanted to make it quick. I’m really not the romantically sighing and dreaming under the moonlight kind of girl, which is funny given my resolution to keep my virginity until I find the one man I’ll love, but that’s me, ladies and gentlemen. Silvia Living Contradiction Banchi.

“Well, the thing is ...” Matt hesitated, and I was one minute away from physically spilling it out of him. Ugh, indecisive people drive me insane. Goddamit, boy, it’s not like you’re asking me to marry you!

“Yes?” Before dawn, preferably.

He sighed. “You’re a great woman, Silvia ...” Oh, boy, here we go ... you’re a great woman, Silvia, but you seem always so detached, so distant, it feels like you’re not quite there. Story of my life. Never enough there. Does that even make sense? I’ve had so many guys telling me ‘I’m not enough there’, what the hell does that even mean? I space out while they talk to me? Doesn’t seem like it. Then what?

“Please, Matt, don’t beat around the bush, just say it.” Hopefully I didn’t sound snappy. I think I might be nearing PMS. Okay, maybe men are stupid for assuming we’re cranky due to PMS, but that doesn’t mean they’re always wrong. Not in my case. Tess too says I turn into psycho when I’m on my period.

He sighed. “Okay, here’s the thing ... you’re a great woman, Silvia, and ... I really like you, but ...”

“Let me guess, I’m not enough there?” I quoted with my fingers.

He didn’t smile, bad sign. “Somewhere, deep down that steely armor of yours, there’s a heart that awaits someone that’ll free it and finally let it beat, I know that. But that heart has been so poorly used all these years, that cobwebs have started forming, and the thing is, I don’t think you realize just how easy it is for someone to trip into those dusty cobwebs and get badly hurt.”

Well, he put it in more poetic words, I’ll give him that. Compared to the various you’re a frigid bitch and damnit, woman, are you even human? I got from some dates I rejected, Matt’s words sound much more polite and elegant. I suppose it’s because he’s English and a lawyer, so he must be terribly good with words. I’ll forgive him the hesitation he had earlier, then.

“What I’m trying to say is that ...” Matt turned his whole body to face me, and grabbed my hands, which was definitely new, but I suppose that the fact that he actually squeezed my hands for the first time caused no feelings in me should set off a loud alarm. “I really like you, Silvia, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I just ... wish you’d be a little more open to this.”

“More open?” There’s just that feeble difference between a man that asks you to open your legs and a man that asks you to open your heart, you know. I hope Matt is the latter case.

“I mean, I’m perfectly fine with taking the slow route, it’s for the best, I agree. But ... are you into this at all?”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I kept myself. “Is this because I was distracted tonight? I had other things in mind, I’m sorry.” I’m sorry, but I’m a woman that thinks, darling, and it may happen, now and then, that I get lost in thought, because I get those damn wheels working.

Okay, definitely PMS is on the way. Uh, I better let Mr. Flirty there at the office know, or he might find himself down to one ball one of these five days.

On second thought, kicking his ass might relieve some of the pent up anger I develop that time of the month.

“No, it’s not that ...” Matt mentioned, sighing. “It’s ... I don’t know, you seem distant.”

I opened my mouth to argue that yes, it’s my goddamn character. I’m a cold person, deal with it. However, he didn’t let me.

“Now don’t jump to my throat ... I know how strongly you feel about this. I’m just saying, if we want this to go somewhere, we should both be involved ... I am, are you?”

I bit my lip, trying to think about it. I mean, to think about it longer than the split second it would take me to say hell, no, I’m not involved. I like Matt, I really do, but do we seriously want to force this? Romance isn’t for me, I’ll never be the type of woman that pines away for love, spending days in bed crying her heart out because her sweetheart left her or made her mad or crap like that. I’m just ... me. Frigidly cold, with the emotional sphere of an opossum.

“You don’t need to answer right now.” Matt broke through my thoughts. He chuckled nervously. “Actually, please ... do think it through for a day or two.”

I took a deep breath when he finished, knowing it was my turn to talk now. People think I enjoy being such a cold bitch, but I really don’t. It’s not my fault if I can’t make myself care enough to try harder than the basic. For me it’s really easy to put people behind me, and it’s something I’ve always been rebuked for. How can you? Don’t you have a heart? No. No, I don’t. I’m dead inside, alright? The sole purpose of the muscle in my chest is to pump blood through my veins, and that’s that.

It sounds bizarre said from someone that claims she’ll have sex only when the man she loves, right? Well, told you, I’m a living contradiction. Maybe I should have really taken up Jake’s offer. The chances are, I’ll never fall in love, so why not just get it over with?

“Matt ...” I began. I hate this part, really. It seems so easy, yet when it’s with a guy like Matt who I seriously like, it really sucks.

“Oh, boy, I don’t like that tone ...” he joked, but neither of us laughed.

“Matt ... we’ve known each other how long over ten days? This is our third date. Don’t you think this talk is a little um ... premature?”

“I know it is, and I wouldn’t have mentioned it, hadn’t it come up.”

“So why can’t we just ... brush past it? Pretend it never happened.”

His face morphed into a melancholic expressions, his gaze lowering. “The answer would be no, wouldn’t it?” He claimed. Damn, that’s the danger with clever guys. They get you without you saying it. “You’re not really into this, are you?”

“Well, I ... not now. Not really.” Why can’t we just go back to no big deal? Why can’t we just keep the no expectations side of things?

“You think that ... a month or two from now, you might change your mind?”

No. I rarely change my mind, even rarer it is in these cases, but ... am I right? I mean, I really like Matt. He’s a nice guy. Clever, funny, interesting to talk to ... sure, he doesn’t drive my hormones insane, but what am I, a 16 year old? I’m 23. I’m adult. I don’t need the ... gosh, I feel tingles all over my skin when he touches me kind of thing, do I? I don’t need the ... my brain goes in overdrive whenever he touches me kind of relationship, do I?

Screw it. I do. Goddamit, of course I do. I’m 23, not 40. I may not need the romance, but I need tingly feeling along my back, I need the, I really shouldn’t, but I can’t do else side of things too. If anything at all, I need to feel at least sexually attracted to the man I’m dating. Maybe not the I’d do him right here, right now kind of attracted, but still. At least I should feel something, shouldn’t I?

The fact that I felt more things when Jake pinned my against his desk than now that Matt held my hands should tell me all I need to know. If a guy I incidentally loathe can stir my hormones and send my brains in overdrive, while the guy I’m supposedly dating can’t even make me feel tingle whenever he holds my hand, then I’m afraid this thing between us isn’t going anywhere for real. I just wish I hadn’t made up my mind already.

“I ... don’t think so.” I admitted.

Matt heaved a deep sad sigh. “I presumed that much.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be ... it’s alright. I like you, you don’t like me.” He chuckled nervously. “It’s happened before, no big deal.”

“No, I like you, Matt. I really do. I just ...”

“You don’t feel any attraction?”

I shook my head, unable to say it out loud. It’s never been this horrible to break things off with someone, you know? Normally I couldn’t care less, but ... I was really starting to grow fond of Matt.

He bit his lip, evidently dismayed. “Can we-uh ... be friends?”

“If you want us to.” It’ll never work. Ugh. Damnit. Before that whole dry-humping my boss happened I was fine with this. It was going slow, but it was maybe going somewhere. Then Mr. Jackass there made me try what it feels like to have your hormones revolt altogether, and suddenly I realize I don’t feel attracted to the one nice guy I’ve gone out with.

Damnit, Matt is the first good guy I sort of date, why couldn’t it work? Am I supposed to be stuck with jerks all my life?


“Can you at least try to look interested?” the girl huffed.

I blinked my eyes, confused. “Sorry, you were saying ...?”

“Ugh, you’re such a jerk.” She snapped, crossing her legs. Somehow that small gesture uncovered her whole thigh, but she didn’t bother, nor did I or the dozen men that saw the scene.

“Yeah, I know. Wanna go to my place?” I stood, bored, throwing some bills onto the counter. Why did I even come to the bar in the first place?

She huffed. “You kidding? You’re the most egocentric, most idiotic moron I-”

“Girl, you wanna get laid or not?”

Needless to say the answer was yes. Ah, these women ...

Whistling, I entered the building, heading to the elevator, followed by the girl whose name I still can’t quite recall. She was saying something about the building, I think ... bah, I don’t really listen when their voice is louder than a siren.

By the time we got to my place, she was already clung to me. Hadn’t I been too lazy to get a booty call, I’d have laughed in her face, I swear. Barely ten minutes ago I was a jerk for crying out loud, now she was dying to get naked for me. Being horny does that.

I led her to my bedroom, kissing here, touching there, the usual thing, and once we were there, she claimed she wanted to freshen up, which is female code for I’m gonna check everything’s fine and prepare mentally so that you’ll tell your friends I was the best fuck of your life.

Keep dreaming, ladies. To a man you’re just a great or good laid. There’s nothing lower than that, simply because we don’t care. As long as we have sex, we’re perfectly fine with anything. Well, I know I am. Sometimes the girl just lies there and takes it, and I don’t even bother. In the end, to me it’s just a way to free my mind.

I sat at the edge of bed, and took off my shirt. I’d have done the same with the jeans, but this girls seems the type to want to do it on her own, so. Ten minutes later, which I spent scanning my Facebook and answering to flirt chat messages, she came back. Predictably, she wore only her underwear. As much predictably, she posed all sexy for me. I did my best not to yawn. Been there, done that. God, women, you’re so predictable sometimes.

I smiled, just to act like I really cared about all this effort she put into a one-night-stand, and gestured for her to reach me. She obeyed dutifully, and lasciviously strode to me, kneeling before me, way before I told her to. Hell, I didn’t even need to do anything, she just went for it and unzipped my jeans. So much for me being a jerk she’d never sleep with, huh?

I closed my eyes, and took the head she gave me. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either, I suppose I’ll have to make do. Four minutes into it, however, I wasn’t going anywhere. I mean, boner? Check. Aroused? Meh, yes and no. Ecstatic at her blowjob? Uh, no, definitely no.

I should give classes. Some girls really have no idea where to go with that tongue. Remind me to tell the editor of our men’s magazine to write an original article about this. There are tons of articles about tips to blow your man, but they’re never done properly. Mmh, maybe I’ll do it. You’ll be there taking notes, I bet.

Seven minutes into it, I could feel the girl was getting tired, and I was going nowhere, so I dug my hand in her hair, and guided her movements. Oh, yeah, that feels much better. Definitely too long for a blowjob, but at least now she was going better.

Before I could actually start enjoying it, however, my phone buzzed. I wouldn’t have taken it, but it was lying there on the bed, and I read the ID ... needless to say the girl wasn’t pleased to see me answer.

“Jake Watson.”

“You’re a jerk.” Silvia stated right off the bat.

I laughed, still guiding the girl’s movements with my free hand. Come on, just a little harder and I might actually enjoy it. “Yeah, I know, but why in this particular case?”

“You jerk ruined relationships for me once for all.” She claimed, pretty serious. “All that kissing and shit the other day, you made me realize I wasn’t attracted to the guy I was dating.”

I could hardly resist not to laugh. “You’re welcome, then.” She huffed, of course. “Oh, come on, baby ... I saved you from a boring life, aren’t you in the least bit grateful?”

“Well, maybe I’d have wanted that boring life!”

I snorted. “Please ... nobody wants that.”

“I do.”

“Oh, come on ... you girls all want the romance, the super-mushy shit. Prince Charming here, Prince Charming there ...”

On cue, the girl whose name I’ll never recall raised her head, frowning at me. Either because offended by my statement of because she realized I was on the phone with a member of her same sex.

“I don’t.” Silvia snapped, keeping my undivided attention. “I was perfectly fine with a safe relationship that entailed nice conversations, tranquil evenings on the couch, nothing more than that.” She huffed. “Then Mr. Sexy goes on and ruins it for me.”

“How did I?” I laughed, ignoring the frowning girl kneeled before me. When she arched an eyebrow, I rolled my eyes.

“You made me realize what I was missing!” Silvia blurted out. Well, this one’s good.

I frowned. “I did what?”

Silvia groaned. “Ugh, you’re a jerk.”

“Yeah, yeah, but how did I make you realize all that?” Yes, I was ignoring the girl kneeled before me and she was glaring at me.

“Who are you talking to?” She demanded to know, her high-pitched voice unnerving me.

“None of your business.” I quipped, more interested in the phone call. “So how did I-”

“You made me feel.” Silvia admitted in a sigh. “I ... I felt things, real things, for the first time when you kissed me. I felt desired, wanted in a lustful yet pure way. It was new, and it raised my expectations. Now I want somebody to look at me like you did, kiss me like you did, want me like you did ...”

Uh oh. Is she drunk?

I had no idea what to say, I gotta be honest. I didn’t even see the girl in front of me standing and huffing, I didn’t hear her cursing me, I didn’t bother her claiming she’d leave right now if I didn’t hang up the phone. I just ... thought and thought over Silvia’s words.

“You’ll find him.” I finally said. Lame, I know, but it was all I could come up with. “One day you’ll find a guy that’ll be willing to move mountains for you, Silvia. You just wait.”

“Ugh, please ... don’t be so predictable you too. I know you can do better.”

I chuckled. “No, I really mean it. You’ll find a guy that’ll see the universe in your eyes. Someone that’ll drop everything even only to speak to you.”

“Like you just did?” Ms. Unknown spat, suddenly catching my attention.

“What?” Me.

“What?” Silvia.

“Whoever this chick is, you’re head over heels for her.” Girl claimed. “And I’m stupid for coming home with you and not the bartender.” She concluded, gathering her clothes, leaving me to frown over her odd words.

“Who was that?” Silvia asked on the phone.

“Uh ... the TV.” Why the hell did I just lie?

“TV ... sure.” Silvia snorted. “Well, I’ll leave you to your booty call ...”

“No, wait ...” I stopped her? Did I just fucking stop her from hanging up? Why? Why didn’t I just end the call and either run after Girl or just call any of the chicks on my booty call list?

“What? You’re clearly busy.” Silvia seemed bitter to my ears, or maybe I wanted her to be. “I’ll see you at work, Jake.”

“Don’t hang up.” What the fuck? Why did I say that?

“Why shouldn’t I? I really don’t want to sit here listening to you have sex.” She laughed, surprisingly. “I mean, that’d be plain gross.”

“I’m not ... I’m alone.” Yeah, I just sent away my chance to get laid, and I still can’t grasp why.

Silvia laughed, and I realized I love that sound. It’s so rare coming from her. “You alone at 2 am? The world must be coming to an end.”

“Well, I am. And you know, I’m lying here, talking to you, and I kinda like it.” I admitted, for who knows what reason.

“I shouldn’t have called ... I ruined your ... how do you Americans call it, your mood?”

I laughed. “She wasn’t that good anyways.”

“So you admit there was someone ...”

“Doesn’t matter. So, we were saying ...?”

“Jake ...”

“I’m not sleepy, you clearly aren’t either. You need to talk to someone, I ... need to get through the night. Talk my ears out, Sissy.”

Surprisingly, she laughed. “I hate that nickname so much ...”

“Why? I love it. It’s fun.”

She snorted. “Horrible.” She laughed, though, and I heard shuffling, probably her lying on bed. “You really just gave up sex for me?”

“Told you, she wasn’t that good.” Bullshit. I mean, Girl was awful, but when have I ever renounced to sex? Why would I give up a somewhat good fuck just to ... talk?

When Silvia laughed, I realized why. “You’re suck a jerk.” She joked. Yeah, I’m such a jerk. And I’m so screwed.

Hi, I’m Jake Watson, king of jerks, and I just realized, I have a fucking crush on Silvia Banchi.

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