CHAPTER 66 - GIVE ME BACK MY LIGHT!
I heard voices around me. I ... wasn’t quite sure where I was, but I could hear voices around me, pretty animated voice, as if people were fighting and-wait, why am I talking in English? What ... what is going on?
I felt myself being pulled, as if there were something that had gripped my hand and just wouldn’t let go. I think I’ve felt this before. There was another time when I felt something pulling me, but it was only a tiny moment, quicker than a shooting star, then everything was dark again. Now it’s ... that same pulling, I could feel it again, but this time it was stronger.
I think I heard prayers. Somebody was praying, but I couldn’t tell who. Why is my mind set on English anyways? Then again, why do I ...
"È forte.” Somebody said. ”La mia bimba è forte, ce la farà.” That was ... Italian, right? I think they said something about a child being strong enough to pull through. It was a male voice, I think, while a female one kept praying and praying and praying. It was like a litany amongst the ruckus that other people were making.
I distinctively heard three more voices aside from the first two ones, but I had no idea what were they saying. Who are all these people anyways? Why was I surrounded by all these people? And why couldn’t I open my eyes? It felt like my eyelids were glued to each other, I just couldn’t move them, nor could I move the rest of my body. I felt like I was floating on air.
Out of the blue I heard a deafening, shrieking sound, like ... glasses breaking. What the hell was going on? Were people seriously brawling? And why? I couldn’t understand what was all the commotion about. People fighting, others praying, what was the reason for all this chaos?
When I heard a loud thud, something like a door being violently slammed, I felt pulled again, this time so much harsher that, had I been able to move, I’d have probably lost my balance or downright fallen over. It felt as if I’d been jolted out of a bed or something, as if that door being slammed shut had tugged on a chord tucked deep beneath my ribs and, consequently, I’d been pulled with it. And the oddest thing, it ... hurt.
It hurt. As if that chord had been tugged too harshly and, consequently, I started bleeding. I think I recall reading a novel of this sort. About a chord that, upon being tugged, bled out the two people at the opposite ends of said chord. I’m not sure why I felt that applied to me, though.
Moreover, because that chord was being tugged, I felt ... I don’t know, dizzier, and I kept on intermittently seeing dark again. I don’t want to go back to that darkness, it was ... cold and lonely and frightening. Yet I was being hurled into it again. I kept hearing those prayers and those reassuring words, but they didn’t seem to be enough. The harsher that chord was being pulled, the faster I plunged back into darkness, until, once again, it enveloped me whole.
A sudden shock ran through me. There it was again, that tugging. This time it was stronger, so much stronger that I felt overwhelmed. It felt as if somebody had taken my hand to forcefully drag me out of the murky waters I’ve been trapped into all this time.
“I don’t have much time.” Someone said in the distance, like a far away echo. “I would fight it, but it would be counterproductive, I would end up losing you for good.” The more words I heard, the harder the tugging was, yet I was still trapped in that horrible darkness. “I just wanna tell you I’m here. I’m always here. Maybe not physically, because they’re all against me now, but I’m always here with you, baby. Always.” What ... something warm grazed my skin, something halfway between hot breath and warm tears, or maybe both.
“They’re right to keep me away, I know that, but ... maybe I’m a fool, but I wanna hear it from your lips. That what they say on your behalf is true, I wanna hear it from your lips. Only then I’ll rest my heart at peace.” Talk about confusing statements. Who are they? And why are they right?
When the tugging got harsher, I felt as if my heart were being defibrillated, as if I’d been electrified, and the more I was, the closer I was to finally getting out of that darkness. I clung with all I had to that ... whatever it was that tugged at my hand, in hopes that this time it wouldn’t fade away. I was terrified that darkness would swallow me whole once again, which is absurd, because I still was in the darkness anyways. I just felt this ... odd force tugging at my hand, forcedly trying to drag me out of these murky waters.
I heard no more words, but the tugging got stronger and stronger, as if somebody were squeezing my hand, and the more they did, the larger the breach through darkness became, until I was finally able to spot a feeble light at the end of dark, dark alley.
I felt excited and happy, because finally I was getting a chance to set myself free, so I started running towards that light. I couldn’t feel my body, yet I distinctively felt I was running towards that light. However, before I could reach it, it started fading. The tugging was relenting, as if my hand had been released from the grip it’d been tightened into.
“NO! NO!” I heard myself shouting at the top of my lungs when the light died down, yet I knew I hadn’t even moved my mouth. I feel to my knees, desperate, while those murky waters once again came to drown me. I wanted to fight it, but I didn’t know how to, so I just ... let darkness once again trap me into its abyss.
I’m so tired, so worn out. I feel so cold and lonely out here, and every time the light fades I just ... I feel more and more trapped, as if, every time that light fades, I am thrown back into a deeper abyss. I’m terrified. Because next time might be the last one, that light might never come back again, and I’ll spend the rest of eternity in this darkness, drowning in these murky waters.
Please, help me. Anyone that is out there, please, please, please, help me. I don’t wanna rot in this darkness for the rest of my life.
I gasped for air when I felt that shock through my body again, as if I’d just reemerged from the murky waters. This time it’s been so long, so, so long, damnit. The more I go back there, the harder it is to reemerge. Please, don’t send me back. Whoever it is out there, whoever keeps on pulling me back, let me out of here, I ... I can’t go back there. Please.
I heard distant voices, and I wanted to call for help, whoever it was, but my voice was blocked down my throat. I could only hear muffled prayers again, this time together with encouraging mantras that came from another female voice. Opposite to last time, this time I couldn’t tell what were they saying. Why is it? Why can I hear that one voice clearly, but not the others? Why, whenever words are crystal clear, it’s always the same male voice, yet the other times it’s just a distant echo?
I think I could tell someone was speaking Italian, but it was too far from me. I don’t understand why does Italian sound so odd to my ears, though. Then again, everything sounds odd to my ears.
I don’t know, I ... I feel so tired. It’s like strength was leaving me, bit by bit, minute by minute. Every time I come back here I feel more and more tired, and I’m scared, because maybe next time I won’t have the strength to come out of the murky waters at all. Another fact that scared me was that there was no light this time. Not even a teensy glimmer, nothing. I was left out in the utter darkness, and I didn’t even know where to turn. Whatever or whoever tugged at my hand last time wasn’t here anymore and ... I could feel their absence. I could feel it, always, because whenever they aren’t here, not even the flimsiest, feeblest light cuts through this darkness.
I wish I could shout. I wish I could ask for help or something, but I had no voice. I felt myself fading, bit by bit, and I had no idea what to do. Out of the blue, I felt a sharp pain erupt through my chest, as if somebody had just hit me with a high voltage. I felt as if I was being electrified, but other than rescue me, it only pushed me deeper into the murky waters. The more that happened, the deeper I sank, until I hit rock bottom, and everything went dark once again.
I gasped for air, grasping on every intake of it I could get. Finally. Finally I breathed again. This is a nightmare, it has to be a nightmare, I can’t be trapped in here forever. I’m fading, I know I’m fading, because the intervals keep on prolonging. At first it was short, I only had short breaks between darkness and the times I reemerged from the murky waters, but now, now the breaks keep becoming longer and longer, and I every time I reemerge I feel weaker. I haven’t seen the light in so long, I’m starting to think I hallucinated it in the first place.
Maybe there was no light to begin with. Maybe I simply willed myself into believing there was a light, while in truth there was nothing. Maybe I’m just too desperate to tell what’s real from what’s not. But the truth is, the murky waters that trap me every single time seem definitely real, while the light, the more I think of it, feels like a mirage.
Maybe there’s no one out there, I’m just hallucinating. Maybe this is one of those times when I have troubles waking up from a bad dream. Maybe that’s it, I’m only dreaming. But who’s supposed to come wake me?
Prayers. Prayers again. Prayers in Italian, prayers in English, prayers in a language I couldn’t understand. Somebody was praying so hard, but I’m not sure what for. Something was gripping me, no, two things were gripping me, or maybe three. They seemed to be at each side of me, but when a fourth voice barged in, one of the three became distant, yet louder, as if they were shouting.
I don’t care who’s outside, just ... just give me light. Please. One glimmer of light, just one. I need it. I can’t take this anymore. Every time it’s worse, every time it’s more painful, every time I feel like I lose something, and I’m scared, because next time I might lose myself entirely.
Meanwhile the voices had quieted down. Or rather, two had, the female one that prayed in Italian was still talking, and it seemed louder, but never as loud as the male one that started praying in English. I think I could tell phrases that are supposed to be stored somewhere deep in my memory, even though I’m not quite sure where did I learn them. Heck, I’m not sure of anything anymore. The more I go back and forth, the harder it is to tell reality from imagination, the harder it is to grasp on memories I thought were untouchable.
I felt myself being tugged at two hands, but only one was stronger. It was ... yes! It was that one again! The one that brings the light! Finally! Please, do it again! Let the light in, please, please! So I can follow it! Please!
“I ... here ... you ... fault ... forgive ...”
Oh, no. No, no, no! I can’t hear you! Whoever you are, I cannot hear you! Why?? I could always hear you, why not this time?? Please, louder, speak louder! Let me hear you! Only when I hear you the light comes in! Damnit!
Only prayers. The following things I heard were only prayers. Same phrases but in different languages. I don’t need prayers, prayers don’t get me out of here! Only the light does! Give me back the light! Please! Don’t let me rot in here! Give me back my light!