I'm Here to Fix You

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Chapter 78



“We’re connected, you and I.” She murmured, and I consequently stiffened. “We’re connected, you and I.” She repeated, quoting me. “For life and death. Through pain and sorrow.” She raised her head, to look me in the eyes, and I felt weak to my bones, as weak as I’ve never been. I think even my knees were about to give out. “You’re ... you’re here to fix me.”

She didn’t just say that. She can’t have said that. She ... no, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. It’s impossible. All this trouble, and now she comes and ... this is impossible. Impossible, damnit.

“You told me that.”


Silvia attempted a tiny smile that barely reached her lips. “I ... I know you told me that. The words have been swimming in my head, and I wasn’t able to connect a face to them. Until now.”

“What ... what makes you think it was me?” I croaked out, my heart hammering in my chest. Not now, damnit, not now. This is not the right moment for feelings to take over. No. It was already wrong and stupid to admit ... all that. I just ... I can’t even form sentences that make any sense.

This is what love does to you. This is what happens when you fight it and push against it, in an effort at sending it away. This is what happens when you fight against your own heart. It wins. Always.

So now there I was, torn between blurting it all out at once, and doing the right thing for her. I know I keep repeating myself to the point that it’s become boring, but you know what I mean. You do. You’ve seen what I’ve done to her, you’ve seen all that I’ve put her through. Do you honestly, honestly believe that I can be presumptuous enough to claim a place by her side? After all that happened?

“I just ... know.” Silvia claimed, nuzzling my chest. “I don’t know how or why or ... anything. I just ... know that it was you.”

“Silvia ...”

“Jake, what happened to me?” She murmured, slowly raising her head to look at me, effectively giving me the final blow. “Why ... why did you need to fix me? Why was I broken in the first place?”

“I ...” I don’t know? You should ask your parents, not me? I can’t tell her the truth. If staying away from me does her good, you can’t even begin to imagine how better off she is without the whole Matilde drama haunting her.

I mean, look at her. Look at how carefree she is. This is a whole new Silvia Banchi. The Silvia she would have grown up to be, hadn’t that whole ordeal happened. Who am I to disrupt that now? Who am I to hurl her back into a life of regret, guilt and sorrow?

“Please, don’t lie to me.” Silvia pouted, her eyes tearing up, which consequently had my heart bleed. I’m beginning to think she’s using my own feelings against me, she’s always been great at that. “Everybody lies or conceals things from me ...” she caressed my cheek, a lonely tear escaping. No, not her eyes, mine. A lonely tear escaped my eyes. “You’re the only one I can turn to.”

“Silvia ...” I croaked out, trying to free myself, because she was burning me out. I can count on one hand the times I’ve been this weak, and the truth is, almost all concerned her.

“Please.” She begged, her tears mirroring mine.

This is too much. This ... this can’t be happening. I’ll wake up and scream in my bed because this was another nightmare. This cannot be fucking true.

*** [in my defense, I was too lazy to write what happens in between lol]

God, I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking bad.

Covering my face with my hands, I growled out my frustration. For the first time in history, I regret sex. Yeah, you heard it right. I did it. It was the only way to divert the subject, distract her from those memories.

Having turned around, I leaned against the balustrade. Silvia was there, in bed, sleeping peacefully, a lovely smile covering her lips. I should feel reborn. I should be over the moon. This was the first time we had sex after years, it was the first time I finally got to remember what it was like to have her. I should be the fucking happiest man on this goddamn Earth.

But it was so wrong. So damn wrong. I used sex, like I have so many times, yet this one feels worse. I basically seduced her into shutting up, and if that wasn’t enough, I also gave her false hopes. Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep on ruining her life?



I opened my eyes slowly, but I knew the smile was still lingering on my lips. And how couldn’t it? After the night I spent, it was inevitable. I mean ... wow.

I know, it’s terrible, because technically I cheated on Joe, and I feel horrible for not feeling horrible about it, but ... it was worth it. And it’s not just about skills. I mean, okay, if you really like to know, it was ... better than I could have ever expected. But it’s not about that.

It’s about the emotions, the feelings all around, the sparks, the ... everything. Everything that floated around the room, everything that I felt deep in my gut all the while. I ... I can’t even begin to describe it.

Yet again, the smile didn’t have entirely to do with that. So why was I smiling if it wasn’t because of the sex nor because of the emotions?

Because it was revealing. The sex, I mean. For the first time in forever, I actually remembered something, and it happens to be the one thing I’d never considered. My first time.

Absurd, right? Of all the things I’ve forgotten, of all the things I’ve been trying to recall, I remember the one event that shouldn’t be that important, not if compared to the rest. And yet ... I remember it. Every caress, every touch, every kiss, it brought it all back.

I remember Jake was a mindful lover, but also somewhat impatient. That leads me to believe I made him wait a long while ... don’t you see? It’s a game-changer! Had I known it only took a night with him to kick off everything, I’d have spared myself all the trouble, all the talking.

Now, beware, I’m not saying I remember him and our story. I’m saying I remember our first time together. Just like I remembered those words. Just like he feels more and more familiar at every kiss.

That means I’m right. That means that if I follow this path, if I stick to Jake, step by step, I’ll retrieve my every memory. In the end I was right, Jake Watson was the answer.

Slowly, I wrapped myself up in the sheets, and stood. He wasn’t in the room, so he probably went to have breakfast. I headed downstairs, well, more like hopped down the stairs, smiling, and calling his name. I even wore his shirt, which felt cliché because I’ve seen it in movies, but also like a déja vu, because I’m pretty sure I’ve already worn his shirts in the past after sex. Heck, even the feeling of those being not long enough to cover my thighs because I’m too tall was familiar.

“Jake?” I called when I reached the kitchen. He wasn’t there. I went outside, on the terrace, but he wasn’t there either. There was breakfast lain on the table, though. I approached the table, convinced that if he prepared all this, he must still be here somewhere. And there I noticed that the table was set for one person only.

“Jake?” I called again, louder, to be heard from the beach, if he was there. I received no answer whatsoever.

Confused and mildly worried, I went back to the bedroom, and grabbed my phone. When I unlocked it, I found one vocal message from an unknown number. I was utterly sure it was Jake, because I don’t have his contact. Starting to connect the dots, frowning, I listened to it. I heard waves crashing against the shore, so clearly he sent it from the beach. Yet even over that noise, I could perceive the distraught sound of his voice as he spoke:

I’m sorry. I truly am. But this is the only way.

Nothing more. It said nothing more than that. I looked around the room, for a clue, and I realized, his clothes were still there. So was his every other personal object, except for the phone.

My eyes widened as my heart picked up a faster pace. The ocean. The waves. This is the only way.

Oh, no.

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