Breaking 10 – Change of Heart
I thought Ailene’s journal can easily help change Mago’s view on love. I was wrong, it was harder watching him suffer as he tried to accept the truth about Ailene.
“Mago, that’s enough,” I tried to stop him from drinking more alcohol.
That was probably my evening mantra every time Mago gets drunk.
“Is he drunk again?” Dessa asked.
“He has been drinking alcohol since noon,” I complained, “I even took all his beers in his fridge, but he took his wine collection and drank them.”
“You better take care of him,” Dessa suggested, “I’ll take care of the bar.”
“Okay,” I agreed with her.
I sighed as I tried to figure out on how I can move him from his office to his private room until I finally decided to just assist him. I am suppose to pull him up when Ailene’s journal feel from his lap. I thought of just placing it on his table but I got curious on the folded part of the journal so I decided to read that part.
Journal Entry 3
I decided to fulfill one of my bucket list. At first, I simply want to have a boyfriend – to experience the feeling of being with only one guy inside the campus. I want to experience having boyfriend who will walk with me to my class and who will wait for my class to finish. But being with Mago for weeks changed everything. He has become part of my system, like he is one of my veins that kept me alive.
I couldn’t wait for him to make the first move because I do not have enough time to wait so I decided to profess my feelings and asked him to be my boyfriend. I no longer care what others would think when they’ll hear that I was the one who confessed my feelings first; I’d die anyway.
My head ached when I woke up. Reading Ailene’s journal brought back all the happy and sad memories. She was the first to successfully enter my heart because she first admitted her feelings to me. Not that I am not capable of doing so, I am just skeptical about the term, ‘love’ and I think it was because of what happened to my parents. I thought I’ll never knew love until I met Ailene. She was able to break my walls without me noticing it.
I turned to my side to look at Arlene. I guessed she decided to accompany me last night that’s why she is now sleeping next to me. I watched her innocent face and realized that maybe because I see Ailene in her that is why she affected me so much. They both know how to play guitar, sing a song and is persistent in making me believe in love.
I brushed the hair away from Arlene’s face and caressed her smooth cheeks. Am I ready to fall in love again? I sighed and leaned on the headboard. Maybe I need to learn to forgive first before preparing myself to fall in love. So I decided to continue reading Ailene’s journal.
Journal Entry 9
I woke up in the middle of the night because I suddenly felt hungry. I was about to get out of my room to get something to eat when I heard my parents argue. I heard that our family’s savings is running out due to my treatment. My dad is now worried about the future of my younger siblings but my mom refused to stop my treatment.
I guess it is time for me to go but I am worried about Mago. He does not deserve the pain of seeing me die and I don’t want him to do anything desperate to keep me alive. I must end our relationship for him not to mourn for my death anymore.
I wish there is a better, less cruel way of ending our relationship but I could not think of anyway than to give in to the challenge that my co-members of the cheerleading team gave me. They challenged me to break up with Mago in front of everyone for me to earn a spot in the cheerleading team. Using the challenge as a reason is probably the easiest way to drive him away.
I love Mago so much. He will be the last and the only man whom I will give my life to. I am now determined to finally have sex with him before our break up. That way, I’ll leave this world knowing that I have been one with the guy whom I truly love.
I do not know how to react after reading this. I understand what Ailene went through but I still can’t help but feel bad because she decided on our fate alone. But many questions lingered in my mind. Why did she changed her mind? Why did she came back to me two months after we broke up and asked me for another chance?
I looked again at Arlene and caressed her face.
“Let me mourn for the death of Ailene and when I am done, I promise to believe in love again,” I whispered to her, “I will love again and when that happens, you will be that woman whom I will give my love to.”
Because I want to wait for Arlene to wake up, I decided to continue reading Ailene’s journal. I want to know what changed her mind. Did she realized that wanted me to be with her in her last days? I could still remember the last time we talked.
“Mago,” Ailene ran after me.
I hated her after what she did to me. I thought taking her virginity would change her mind but she still did the challenge. She broke up with me in front of many people and being put into that shameful situation is not easy.
“We’re done,” I said without looking at her, “you finished everything between us.”
“I’m sorry,” she started crying, “I was wrong.”
I chose not to listen to her continued walking.
“Mago,” she tried to keep up, “wait for me.”
“If you can’t keep up, then stop!” I said and walked faster.
“Mago, please don’t treat me this way,” she said, “I am begging you, please have pity on me. Even for the thought that I gave up my virginity to you.”
She was a virgin when I got her but it did not matter to her when decided to break up with me, so why did she make it sound very important now?
“Have pity on you?” I said sarcastically, “I didn’t know that you knew that word.”
“Mago, just listen to me,” her voice trembled.
She looked very weary but I did not let it bother me. All I can remember is the laugh she gave the night when she broke up with me in front of everyone. She did not even notice that I already left the place. Her fake friends surrounded her, congratulating her for completing her challenge.
“We’re done,” sternly uttered, “you ended everything so don’t expect me to be back in your life.”
“Even for just a year,” she begged.
“One year?” I laughed mockingly, “I am sorry but I don’t even last a week with one woman.”
“Y-you took my virginity,” she said.
“And that is the reason why I will never take any virgin again. Virgins are clingy! It does not mean that because I am your first, I have an obligation to you,” I said, “and sorry, doll. Once I have tasted you, I’ll never taste you again.”
***end of flashback***
Her journal was filled with regret until I saw an ultrasound film pasted on one of the pages – Ailene was pregnant!
My parents got worried because they thought my condition got worse. I experience frequent nausea in the morning and sometimes I kept on vomiting. It was after the doctor announced that I am pregnant that everyone got shocked.
I could not explain the mixed feelings of sadness and joy and when I heard the news. I am happy that I was able to complete my last bucket list but sad because I might not have the chance to see my baby. The doctor told us that my treatment could cause abortion and suggested to terminate the pregnancy while it is still early. My parents agreed with the doctor but I refused to give my consent. This child is the only proof that our love is real. This baby will remind Mago how much we love each other. I am not going to let this baby die.
I know my parents would force me to have an abortion so I decided to run away. I have nowhere to run but to Mago. I hope he can accept me. I hope he will agree on raising our baby.
I went out of the room and took a bottle of wine. Ailene was pregnant. We had a kid. That was the reason why she came back but all I did is pushed her away. She chose to give life to our child while I let myself drown in hate.
‘I will make up to you, Ailene,’ I thought, ’I will look for our kid and take care of him or her.”
I know it was hard to know the truth that is why I chose to stay with Mago even though he mistakenly called me “Ailene” many times.
“Good morning,” he greeted and wrapped his arms around my waist. I did not expect him to do this, especially the part when he smelled my neck.
“M-mago,” I tried to move away, “I smelled like onion.”
“I am also an HRM student, Arlene,” he whispered, “I am used to that smell.”
“Why don’t you prepare the table while I finished cooking,” I suggested.
He obliged and it made me smile. We were like newly weds trying to do house chores on our own.
“Ailene,” he called me in that name again, “can you come with me today?”
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“I want to meet the people who took care of Ailene when she ran away from her parents,” he replied.
I gave him a nod and brought our breakfast to the table.
“Do you know who took care of Ailene when she ran away?” he asked me when I entered the car.
“Let’s go to Dessa’s place,” I answered.
“Dessa?” he obviously did not expect what I just said.
“I got the journal from Dessa,” I explained, “she did not know how she could give it to you so I decided to volunteer for her.”
“Thank you,” his sad face looked down, “so it was Dessa who took care of her?”
I shooked my head and answered, “no, it was Dessa’s elder brother.”
“I did not know that Dee-Lan knew Ailene,” he smiled awkwardly.
“It’s not Dee-Lan,” I said, “it’s Dee-vyn.”