Chapter 12: Personalities
She hates those sounds the machinery sounds that drum and drum as if the wiles of unnatural actions of work. She hates them to such an extent goes mad with her not intents. I think she hates them more than ever and should never ever do that sort of work at all the machinery of sounds as if the mirth’s of hell. She hates the sound which the washing machine and the tumbler dryer are making and masking this there is sheer rage as she and I both go to empty the bins and place it on the kerb when I place my two black bags on top of the blue and the green then go and topple her cursing with them in the black. But where the rage I am also doing the laundry is and she hates that sort of work never liked the laundry we had to do it outside for a great number of years she disliked doing it to such an extent.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” Used to say her mother as her motor she said was running.
“Clean orange blossoms on the pillows.”
“That clean is next to being in there with the Gods.”
“Of course no rubbish in this house at all.” That the house was falling down and ruined after the fires she did not share but she thought she was in heaven as this would make believe life was hers and nobody else’s? No one else could behave with more lady like decorum than she when she wanted to.
“She shagged me mother.”
“No she did not she was just giving her a breast job.”
“Look grand dad it is trues the whole of it.”
“But my darling that is nothing I do it the whole of the time.”
“Do you grand dad?”
“What is it like?”
“I will show you?”
“Not nice grand dad to be showing me I am only little.”
“You leave him alone he is my father he is my dad. Father you let her go and come to me just comes to me.”
“Mum auntie has gone insane and wants to shag grandfather.”
Both the women were in the woods that day having a peck or two. But they came immediately.
“Mum not again?”
“What again. I will show you both are tarts and should not be alone with each other I warned you Messing around with my wife now be off we separated this house not in this circle will you pass and mess around with the woman of the house do you hear me?”
“The whole neighbourhood has heard it too. Okay I will leave but mark my words there is worse to come do you want to come with me child?”
“No I like it here I dislike you and will never come again.”
“Leave her she will be quite safe with us.”
Granddad too had a personality disorder and he did not always behave according to what he said he would and then his asthma got bit more rough and he had to stay in his bed and not share it with anyone as he coughed the whole time and he was coughing and coughing as if his lungs would come apart.
I could see that he was desperately trying to stay in touch with the realities of what he had to do and sometimes he had good days and sometimes he had bad times. He would reach out and try to grab anything alive.
He could just to stay alive he wanted so desperately to live and he disliked me for being so alive. He wanted a bit of me so he too could live. He was gasping for air as if his entails would fold up and he steadily worsens and worsens until he was this thin skeleton.
As he had never been alive he had always been the one who got done in robbed and now he dying meant he did not have anything nothing- Nothing at all. He did not like to think that he left this nothing behind him. He was still young in his fifties and still he neared his end and his end meant he did not have what he always wanted he did not have what he needed to take to the next world this great experience this great thing which he had to get.
“My virginity and the simple things which they would bring his wives were a great disappointment to him.”
“One is older than everybody and the other was a black woman who told on me and the one I was mated too turned out to be a idiot.”
“I do understand granddad.”
“Yes of course you must marry again.”
“Divorce auntie and marry.”
“I will find you a wife a nice one.”
“Zahra she was married to someone else.”
“Well I don’t understand that gives her experience and she is sheer hell in the kitchen.”
“So her cuisine is good?”
“Yes granddad it is.”
“On a good day we might go and seek her out?”
“I am not allowed anywhere near her?”
“Her husband is a madman.”
“What did he say?”
“He said over his dead body and went hump.”
“He went what? To me?”
Yes I was doing it on purpose anyone could see but not granddad.
“You doing it on purpose girl?”
“I am not doing it on purpose I want to do away with being normal I want to be Shirley Temple.”
I stamped my feet as Judy Garland had in that movie and tried to do some magic.
“I want red shoes like she has auntie red shoes for me.”?
“Child I do believe you are an imposter.”
“Because we are short.”
“What is means?”
“Money and I do not have shoes?”
“Yes that is what it means if we are short you don’t get shoes.”
“That is impossible I refuse to eat anything at all until shoes are here right here now.”
“What is it?”
“Have you been hearing what she just asked for?”
“When did you buy these?”
“I don’t want them now.”
“Wear them or else.”
“Wallop is coming the stick is coming.”
“I am not doing it so there.”
“Ha the strap granddad not the strap.”
“I will wear them I will wear them.”
From being Shirley Temple I became subdued.
Well that is what a child should be should not she? A spoilt child is never any good to anybody it is not right a spoilt child is it? A child is a flower and if you crush the flower it does not have any food and dies. A child is like a flower so take care of your flowers for children are your flowers the flowers of your seeds and egg. That is why you had them to bring into the world only to crush them is never any good.
Ma’s Husband number three
Said the adopted ma’s husband “you are not a person you are not a person.”
“I am not a person you fool I am more of a person than anyone.”
“You are less than a person.”
He had lost interest and did not see the blow she aimed at him. I cried out. He dodged just in time.
Then she returned to watching the television and he drunk another glass of whiskey I left the room to do some washing up and did it well just in time for them to be intimate as I hoped and then went to watch some more moving films of the Turkish kind and did watch something strange and then some other movies until bed time.
I must have watched a thousand movies of this kind and there was nothing else to do but enjoy and enjoy there was not much new movies coming out except coming out.
The singing was so strange and wonderful people were commended if their songs caused suicides. It was thought as hitting the spot and being a hit.
“Did you enjoy that?” asked mum.
“Oh yes very nice. I think I would like to see it again.”
“We will watch it when it repeats.”
“I can say they do have a lot of repeats.”
Then we all went to bed and left dad on the sofa which he had been sleeping on for the past year. Mother went to the large room and I found myself on the middle room with the view of the garden my only love interest at the time. Dad had the little room which he had been refusing to sleep in because his family member died in that room and he disliked the idea.
“You will get used to it.” She said to him cruelly. She had thrown him out of the bedroom because he had had sex with her while he opened a divorce against her and this upset her very much indeed and scared her at the same time because she a bigamist she could be jailed or something.
She screeching my innocent self is gone and lost. My marriage vows unholy and this unsettled him and me as we did not know she thought about her marriage as holy. As she had thrown away the wedding rings and the engagement ring and then had lost the marriage certificate as well. This she also would not let me see.
Any proof that they were married was in the wedding photos. Anything of the sort so what she crying herself over? That she almost certainly was behaving very not wisely and did not deter her from thinking herself in the right and he in the wrong. She a wronged wife a mother she constantly threw remarks at his back and he just sneered at her. No marriage certificate no marriage certificate.
“I lost it.” She said.
“Then how come the divorce?”
“Because he got a copy from Cyprus.”
“Where is the marriage certificate and when did the divorce papers come from? Mum are they forgeries? He the solicitor took 800 pounds off him.”
“For a drink licence and dad will not go and collect it from him so he was paying over the limit and whatever for?”
“The licence he never got so he is never going to see his money again?”
Mum stares at the wall in something like a mask and will not answer at all.
“Was it for these papers?”
“It is none of your business now go away.”
“Then why involve in your affairs I am not a servant or far worse I’m I?”
“Leave us alone.”
“Just leave us alone.”
He had not slept with her for some time and then towards the end he just begged her for a shag and this upset me so very much. That he just literally begged her for a kind remark. A kind word a kind deed, as if he had had enough. I thought he was dying or something and he had reached the end as if he had reached the end.
I left them to themselves after this thought this is unkind me watching this endless tragedy is unkind to me that in order to survive. It was like living in a cesspit and this was constant this cesspit and there was no let up. There was nothing but more of the same. The emotions were always heated up and I wanted to be in somewhere where I did not burn all the time at high voltage. This in mind I was offered a place and did well.
They were boiling my brains otherwise the constancy of such high emotionally charged activities were boiling heated and this was causing distress and hair loss and much over eating which was higher blood sugar and all that is damaging to the health.
I risked another heart attack or something worse like a stroke and all manner of disasters.
I had to leave and go to a University and get an education some sort of life.
Life is one of madness is it not for people in Britain for carers are not catered for charities are running themselves to the ground what? No way they are building the old palaces and the sick and the dying are left to fend for themselves brick making is old hat we are now making handshaking the main course and if we do not become the main course the thing is do not entertain us then more fool you for we are not buying it.
Then they tried to turn the tables onto me double crossing and all that sort of thing and the thing is when one is always in duress as if distressed and there is a domestic in there already. It is a matter of time before there is a consequence because they are psychos and do not even want to make themselves emotional about it. There is no telling where it will end as if there is not enough time left to write and paint as if time is running out for me.
People following me everywhere smiling inanely as if I am the fox and they are even bigger foxes as if this is not enough. There is no word exchanged as if they are amiably doing this as if their whole attitudes are never mind we only mean to smell you. Smile at you follow you and tame you. Direct you to wherever you do not want to go.
Odd is it not that there is no sound in all this that there is nothing but this amiable humour as if the joke is that there is no joker in the pack that it is a group effort that the effortlessness of the molestation is that the effect is one of shame and shared intimacy as if we know each other from far back and that there is not much but Russian literature when mad people had the same shared intimacies and their constant companions did laugh and smile in a similar manner but due to vodka they were not certain.
They told the kids that the auntie is mad and that they must take the house and then the boy comes over and tries to take the house from me. The thinking has died or something? What is that about?
That the children too were affected by their parents and grandparents behaviour I thought I had saved them from it and this I had not done. I fear that their new behaviours as adults are mean and not to be trusted.
“Protect yourself auntie.” Said the girl.
Auntie is protected I thought God protect you child.
But then they now stay away from me as the new disaster area and I feel that is the right thinking because they are now not mature and they must have a house a heath of their own and I am now vulnerable.
What was happening was I had been a carer all my life. Suddenly the patients had turned over a new leaf they got the money and they were now well and I had been left behind. So I had no power over them and they had growing power over me. This made them so much smug and they thought they would take over me as I was the barrier to their total madness.
Then they tried to throw me out of the house and legally make me stay in a institution for life. There were two things which stopped them one the house half belonged to me and the other was I had a friend.
This is mine I freely accept it. These are the experiences which brought me into the world these are my woes. These are my friends and enemies; there is this these are the people who propelled me who molested me said they would fuck me. These are the persons who said mother was my wife and these are all of it the ugly the good and the devil which they ride as a joke.
These are the hands which washed and cleaned these are the hands of labour these are the hands which kept me as he did the shagging and the work which took him away and aside. His wife made him sign me away and she now has him for keeps.
Well she can keep him by her side and they can smile to the cameras as if the sultan of their mating is never going to end. But the hell it is the hell which they are will now be known for ever. That their mates are the same. That they are all the same as they stir the coals and make the same gestures of love making in their movies as their moves are the same. Shared intimacies and they no longer have the freshness of make believe but of divorcees trying not to look daggers at each other.
But with love? It is as if one is seeing one’s parents as they too had the same unkindness in their eyes and they are forever doing it film after film.
“No one will notice that we hate each other as we swear undying love.”
“I swear dear I love you so very much. Hell how much money did it give for this?”
“Camera and light.”
“I am watching my figure.”
“How much now?”
“Love and marriage is when marriage means being looked after for life even when one does not love the husband.”
“Because one does not want to wash dishes all one’s life work in shops and all that. One had to do to that what one could give her fifty odd whacks and then twenty five pounds for her love poems.”
These are the things these are the deeds these are what mankind thinks worthy. These are the thoughts. These are the failings of the new system of abuse against those who can’t fight back who have practically no rights and are refused the right things because they lack the hierarchy of protocol and decorum.
And who do not know that their place in life is at the bottom of whatever pile. I tried every pile and in every pile there was not even a chance for me to come alive. These are the things which made me these are the things which made my life hell and then I became hell.
I am not thinking of Regents Park. I mean the lower end of the social scale not the top end.
Like Medusa the poison I become her every day. For those who deny others happiness for money are not human not human not decent and can’t be trusted to rule. These are the things which have me these are them and us and we might eat marmite but jam is our lot.
Just able to manage just able to be just able to have not and amiably be.
Life is not going to be same for us as we are the persons who live for the lights from the heights but there are many life jackets and the lighthouse might give us the right things to answer. When we are flooded by them chaos and the chaotic thinkers.
Did you enjoy my ongoing story so far? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! Thanks, pencilWrite a Review