Chapter 6: Soon After
I was sleeping on the train I was twenty one years old had told the guard to wake me up from Reading. It is an hour on the train or something. Left instructions as bold as brass and had paid my ticket in full. Paid in full the ticket had been paid for so what was he doing to me because he did not bother to wake me up when he should have done.
“Yes what else customers all round this place.”
“When I had been half drugged?”
“That is your problem.”
I had seen shopping in the river as I had walked by shopping all round the river as an old lady or was it a man went by and the woman mad with jealousy swept by and sunk the entire shopping bags into the river. I fell into a daydream what is in the river I don’t see anything or even anybody and the woman now and the man walking are not even there but are shadows. Walking opposite directions as if the spell cast in my head made me madder still I could never walk so fast sorry. I cannot walk so fast so hold me to this river bridge and tell me what is true and what is not true?
After drink after drink and raves this is the results this is what it meant to be drugged spiked and in this way nearly fucked. I had seen the bridge with the shopping went outside the dream it is haunting me as if the narrow cavities of my walls is within that bridge I am this woman this woman who is in love with this man and he is waltzing with somebody else loves her more than me?
“Oh God this is me always thinking about the minor things like food on this day of all days of food as if the beasts within me is still within that walking distance of that bridge.”
Shopping thrown into the river.
Me outside loathing myself. Young at twenty two. I appealed to them all my naivety as this is me as I tried to see where the shopping had got to. They should be floating where did they go? Then realised that they had thrown bread crumbs to the birds.
The guard woke me up for he knew my stop and he said he had been busy. And as soon as I woke up went to the door and tried to get off but the train was already moving. The thing was jumped down anyway and nearly damaged my leg permanently. Went lame a bit tears rolled them so deeply shocked I was after the things that had been. The shopping somebody had thrown into the river and the thinking I had been had and for what?
And then when at home they made me do the laundry for the whole lot of them.
It had been the same train guard as in Paris and I did not know where to place him than but placed him anyway. But in Paris the train did take off without B and this thing narrowly took off with me in it. This constancy of bad feelings between B and me went on for some time she blamed me for her bad actions and sorry they all do and did. That they were not bad people they only got bad because of what I had done to them and what I was doing to them was such a fixed idea. Their fixed idea was permanently there without me they would never be in this fix without me their lives would be even better with me they were crazy and did not get along in life. That they did not think it anything but that it was all my fault.
Everything was my fault for being a perfectionist why be a perfectionist in this in perfect world why behave as if the world did not contain evil? Why behave as if life is whiter than milk? If only I would if only I would understand what they all wanted from me.
“So I do the cooking and the cleaning that is the extent of it?”
They looked at each other so pleased they were always able to control me. My angers and all that did not last they were lost without me they wanted someone to do the work and they disliked to do it themselves.
A B with no means of supporting herself and this and the other might have happened to her. I know why they call them Woman in White because they make the girls wear white before they come out as prostitutes. I seen many girls wear the clothes that sets them apart as if they wear the white dress in a certain uniform manner. The girl is sort of marked down to become such a thing? Yes it is a sorry state of affairs but Woman in White by Willkie Collins did say things nasty things about the mysterious Woman in White.
But he did not write another novel as good as that. I did not read it with anything but surface interest because it was the woman in the opening sentence that had me hooked not the man trying to discover where and how she had come about. Then he marries her? I think so but they think she has disappeared presumed dead but then she appears again. With Willkie Collins he can send one to sleep so easily. Charles Dickens told him so and he would have known. They corresponded about Willkie Collins work the new thinking and all that he was the first author to use the new stylistic thing. Psychological drama. But that is not the end of his achievements but he did not write so well as Dickens.
I was tired and all but did it anyhow and this did not inflict on me a certain reserve? One knows when one does not belong within the pack because the pack knows what not to do about the stray lame dog.
But something made me stay on in that house I did not have a clue what I did not know what did occur but that I had to stay on and complete my time there otherwise would never do good and only do wrong.
Something’s are so illogical yet one does them anyway and if one does not know the reason afterwards then madness sets in. But the outcome did turn out to be better than hoped for but not totally.
Two of Everything
That mother had been raped and done for by her foster mothers is true and she did attack them and was sent to a special school. When she was taught how to do this and the other and not to live as a dog or a cat but human child she learnt how to do pottery in a way which came natural to her. She was not a gifted potter but she made a living by this and her husband would smash the pots whenever he got drunk. Once or twice he would smash the whole lot of them and because such a stir that everyone in the neighbourhood knew he was blind drunk.
“Jealous of my pots?”
“I do think you spend a lot of your precious time on them.”
“But they are like love children.”
He smashed them on the mantelpiece that was the only time he went to that part of the room to smash the pots; and this made her shaken as if the ghostly dullness of her married life was a thing. A foolish thing which did not work had not worked would never work at all.
She married him at eighteen when she not even pregnant at all why she marry him why she marry him when she did not have to. My adopted mother had often wondered and said a comely woman like my mother who would have had anyone for the asking had married him. Then she wonders the foster mother I have known. What she see in that for why she marry a polio male without much semen?
Highly unlikely to have mated with that and found him to her liking made her bed and must sleep on it she made a mistake she did like the rest of them fools back at home when they made fools of themselves in their finery when all that matters is love and sensuality that is sense but to marry a man who will not satisfy the cravings of the body for the cravings of the mind is not the way to do things.
Can you believe it she was in love with his mind?
“The fool what she see in his mind for he had a mind like a sink?”
“Oh you remember him do you?”
“Vaguely a vulgar so and so.”
“What happiness to know that you did not know him very well.”
“But I did ma.”
“You must be joking you were just a child.”
“But I knew him so well.”
“What was he to you that you remember him so well?”
“I don’t know what you are saying?”
“Did he try it on with you that you liked him?”
“I am not that kind of a girl?”
“Girl children are if not they turn bad like bad do you hear?”
“No Ma I am not bad at all.”
“What you then?”
“I disliked him for his grasping manners and he did not like me at all because I was deaf?!”
“And who made you hear tell me that?”
“Listen to me listen just listen there is nothing worse than you.”!
“I did not do anything whatever say that about me for?”
“Wherever you go there is trouble.”
“Troubles follow some people round now make me a cup of tea and make sure it is not cold do you hear me I like it plenty of milk plenty of sugar and plenty of that strong brew. Now go.”
“I want to go out.”
“But the siblings are gone to school and I am no longer needed here.”
“You are talking to me are you not?”
“Yes but we can talk when I get back.”
That was a adopted mum who was still debating about this fact. I did not know what she had planned for me but she said something I was made for. This caused me no end of grief. I wondered about this as I went to bed and wondered as I woke up. I did not want to find out and did want to find out what everyone thought I was destined for.
Everyone thought and what I thought were completely different even impossible things like Mary Poppins said it was two impossible things in the same day. I wanted to write stories and be an important woman a journalist or something huge. All I did was become fat.
Meanwhile mother Meseret went and raped auntie Z and that was why I was in this fine mess. You see a rape for a rape that is what the people of Northern Cyprus believe in. I was the rewards and that is what had happened when grand pa died because I was sold on hire to become this reward for the virtues of my mother’s acts. I was the payment. The final payment was to come from the male who would be robbed and made skinless and bone dry. I was very refined about this and did not marry at all.
Mother made pottery and I think she did not glaze them she just made potteries as if the days were shortened by this.
She would align them altogether and make her marks on them as if she had not much else of interest in her life. She had given birth to nine children by the time she could not conceive any longer her life time was one of abused neglect and trying to catch up with her intelligent self. Her self interest was to lose her mark of Cain and to become normal the women did not want her near their shop saying she shop soiled.
You see mother Meseret had been raped by the two women in the shop the auntie of hers. The auntie of them both. So this is complex complicated I will try to explain mother Meseret was brought up by the women in the shop who rape her then she goes off and rapes the woman in charge of her affairs. Well the thinking is bizarre? Whatever that is what happens when victims have no good psychologist on hand. If there had been even a policeman it would have made a difference but in them days they did nothing but take the notepad and inquire what had happened to the woman and then they would file it away and then we would get balloons dropping by as the comic books with Beano were the only required reading at school.
So I will do what your family did to mine and it would continuum.
But they got along so well?
“Mother the adopted was into that kind of thing too when she was nine she too had this misfortune but she liked it.”
“She liked the dancing the excitement of Satanic dancing.”
“She wanted to marry with me in the truest sense of the word in the rituals in the black sea as if this was not enough there was a general accolade as everyone there was weird.”
“She is a ...”
Mother Meseret whenever she was short which was often.
She went when desperate demanding money from the shop owned by the two women who were selling all sorts but they had to make it look good so they took her pottery and sold that and that made them all comfortable about the arrangement? Of course it made them well as well. Mother banging bang on and on until the till would open.
I demand more and more she would swear she would tell but she never did. I will say to the world what you did and how unkindly I lost my temper. I have not spoken before for a reason. I kept my silence for a reason. And she would shake with fury at the two and they would simper behind the counter. Her very own aunties and they would swear they never meant to harm anyone least of all a child but the dog liked it and they had taken it for a pet the child not the dog. She would take what she could from that box which did chime as if it existed as the women said about her. She had done many deeds for that box and she meant to take from what it took from her marriage bed.
“Okay we will educate one of your girls?”
“How about H?”
“Alright she will have to stay in a boarding school no funny business.”
And that is what had happened.
Mother hides things forever, she hides herself she hides behind this persona of this object and nobody knows she is not the victim that she eats us alive sometimes like a crocodile with tears but she mislaid me I had to pay for her debts. Her debt of honour which said states that one must pay for the loss of the virtue and mother took two women in and had her way with them. She raped a nine year old and then had consensual sex with the Nan and they were discussing lesbianism when I went there as a fifteen year old as sane and adult as if they were having a fling in front of them all and the mothers approved said it was okay and the young did not could never understand what a woman needs after the babies leave the nest.
But the thing was the thing was this beastly woman who had me in her grasp she wanted my help because she was too inadequate to do her job as a mother and a wife and she wanted the cafe to run smoothly too. Well the thing was: I did not could not help her out on some issues. She being a wife did not appeal to me but I did work for her. I had to.
“We were so happy with you in charge be my mum I will be eternally good.”
“The thing is no.”
“Yes but we want you to marry our dad.”
I did not deserve such honour or this girl having the smiles wiped out of her. For she must be behaving badly. She is not very nice at the best of times now she was behaving like a beast pulled her hair she runs into the bathroom and closes the door.
“I will get you for this?!”
“I will be waiting.”
“Come out of there.”
“I am not doing any such thing you are violent towards me.”
“I want to pull out your teeth.”
“I am not definitely not coming out.”
“I will bring supper over then?”
“I have eaten.”
“Well you can starve in the bathroom.”
Mother raped her mother and this makes me a what? A servant a slave a payment in kind this unkindness this system of abusive behaviour when tradition becomes the trade offs.
“We all want to fuck you.”
“I am in Cyprus you are all married men?”
“We dislike thinking of that here the wedding ring is turned backwards?”
“What does that mean?”
“It does not count as dishonouring the wife.”
“She can fuck off.”
“We want all to fuck you.”
“I have saved your daughter from death. Look I have saved two of yours and look I did wonders for the simple child by allowing her to grieve when she lost her dad.”
“She would have made a brilliant match if not for you?”
“She did not have the sense she born with.”
“The child was not a idiot she went to college got straight A’s.”
“I am sorry to say this to you all but some colleges tell fibs.”
“Yes if they like the child they make the marks high.”
“Her dad dying meant she did get higher marks it is good to make the orphan happy.”
“But whatever next?”
“She waited for you to pay her air fare six years.”
“Well why did not you pay?”
“Well sort of your responsibility?”
“Not mine the thing is not into all that.”
“No she wanted you to adopt her.”
“Well dad not liked the idea and was going to throw her out.”
“What after what we did for him?”
“He did not like good people.”
“Such a beautiful girl.”
“Well did you see them all farting in the coach?”
“What did it mean?”
“All the boys farting in the coach?”
“Your mother raped two women.”
“Yes she did.”
“She was raped when four and did put the money in the black box.”
“That meant your mother bisexual?”
“I do not think so.”
“What she then?”
“A beast maybe.”
“When the girl was nine years old.”
“Yes. That is my adopted mum.”
“Then she wants me to replace my mum.”
“And rape her?”
“No molest her and make her violent love.”
“She loved it with dad and now she misses it.”
“They said in Australia fuck you too.”
“Is there anywhere they did not say this?”!
“In England they say it every time.”
“I am not going to marry mum.”
“I did not rape anybody at all.”
“But your mum did”
“I am not my mum look I left home at six to work and pay her debt which she said I had to pay.”
“I paid in full.”
“You did not marry her.”
“Marriage means to fuck with her and to fuck with her means I have to kill her and that would not do.”
Equality means that now woman can marry woman and have wives as same as man. The thinking is woman are much nicer with woman if they shag them. That is not the case as a woman who has been stalked most of her life it is not funny it is not even strange but it is as beastly as a man stalking one because with a man it is violent right away but a woman does this constantly consistently for a hundred years whenever she feels bored and comes out with it.
That Jane who I knew from Primary school did begin to stalk me because did not go to her house and see the brocade curtains which she wanted to show me. That I did not behave as other little children did and this interested her and made her want me as the lady who would bend to her wit and charm and when I did she flew away.
But came back with another personality another and another as if that being a doctor which she did become was not enough that she also had to be the criminal too. She wanted both to be rich and poor and this made her not a amusing thing to have following one round.
The thing with Jane is she can command a army in one go and she does not care who she makes into friend in order to make the stalking more fun and less strange she would come naked and swear she is the apple of this eye and the other and then the only thing is there is nothing but this cool woman who is out to outwit one and is there to show off her splendid obscuring gifts look see I am a stalker but nobody knows about me at all.
“Now you see me now you don’t.”
“I am Jane with the doll.”
“Do this and the other.”
“Do you know where the museum of childhood is?”
“I do not.”
“It is near Mile end.”
“Look go and fuck you.”
“I already have.”
“Good then go and fuck yourself some more.”
When one does not have a mother the other child is the all important there is nobody to bridge the gaps in your knowledge and you do not steer clear of it all and this other child begins to enjoy tormenting you to such a extent that the pain becomes the best thing from school life.
“Slip into her this perfume and then she will smell it and then the boy will rape her.”
“There is too many of us will she know we did it?”
“Of course too stupid we are too smart.”
Arm in arm they leave the toilet sink ready to kneel over. I take the perfume and then there is this fight when a boy breaks his wrist and then has his head in the railings because he said now we husband and wife and you will have to do what I want you to do.
“Husband and wife you to hell you are.”
“Look I can get into this rail and there is nothing to it?”
His head is bigger than mine but he does not realise this?
He engagingly gets his head into the railing and there is a scream.
The fire brigand comes soon as soon how quickly they come where is the fires? His head is growing bigger as if he is dying and I stay and watch no more go home for my tea.
Mum did not know what I did never tell her anything at all and did not breath a word of it. It made me so sane to think that she did not know that somewhere that boy had his head in the railing ready to suffocate then I split my drink and went to the toilet as sick as anything.
I the milk had gone bad or something. My God I had gone mad or something there is too many fights for me to live and I at ten was a girl who had to constantly fight. I was actually eight or something I was a child.
Tradition means we now must have blood
Now we are equal with the rich and woman may marry woman? Most definitely equal with the rich we might do what we like to do as long as we have everything in control like the rich. Decoration clothes and the other amenities. Then we are not equal with the rich as these take me all day every day to make and do with. We are still on that plane.
“Yes in the Dead Sea.”
“We stayed in a gay Satanic hotel with couples marrying all the time a woman said she thought I killed or mum killed dad in order to marry me.”
“Yes but he died in hospital.”
“The bloody woman got it wrong some crime writer or something.”
“So being a criminologist she gets it wrong?”
“There is a filthy glee as if on a game show when the things one most wants get discovered. On this channel they got into a fog and there was something unkind about it. I thought sorry what did I think did not matter anymore the thing was I paid three and a half grand for all this?”
“Yes I paid all that money for this ridicule?”
“Then the agents who made them work all went bankrupt.”
“Oh to make matters worse the fools did not want to understand we did not have enjoyed our stay.”
“Come again next year?”
“We will do not worry had a ravishing time.”
Lemonade all yours and mine.
This woman on a plane we had just gone into comes with this remarkable saying. She said first observations were that important to her.
“Couple a couple.”
“You believe me and mum a couple?”
“Of course and that is your dad got murdered?”
“That is hugely not nice but nasty.” But I turned my head around and did not say the words.
“Well she hardly knew me or mum on the plane and comes out with this remarkable observation.”
“I got shaken to the core.”
“Sorry she said and turned away.”
I was interested and thought she was like a rich disabled version of something stranger than fiction and this is what we did? I thought on the plane created a society of rich personalities who do not give a shit of what they do and say in order to get a thrill out of every situation.
The thrilling moment must have passed and there is this silence and this silence which did strain mum not at all. She went to the toilet and was told off for the take off had not yet happened.
“My God I thought and only the beginning of our holiday and Ramadan into the bargain. What I’m I expected to do?”
We arrive after four hours to the hotel and it is a huge journey on the bus with the leaps of the journey as the roads are not as safe as all that but the view breathe taking. As the bottom down can cause vertigo and there is fear in this man who says let me go. His wife said let him on the bus he will be okay after a while. They had to stop for some time and then we started and everyone was startled when the man fell asleep.
After two days the thing was we got known as this couple in the hotel and there is this new atmosphere of tenseness in the room. I did not like the thinking behind this and the other and thought what a bad idea it was to meet that stupid woman who did this without even a thought evil bad thought which only mum would think as her own.
So here I am pretending to not to understand and mum making a huge show of showering me with respectful attentiveness and all manner outstanding. I thought of boxing her ears but did contain myself.
“Ramadan and high spirits.” I thought.
We are staying in the same room and mum starts to show off her buttocks and her thighs; with her one leg? I thought it not funny. A man remarkably sees her he too had insinuated this and the other and his curiosity was aroused. He had two children with him and nods his head. My God he actually thought me and her in intimacies. I am going to be murdered.
Who is this man I think? It is not the cousin from somewhere is it? There he is again he is this time avoiding me and not even seeing that I exist. I thought God it is the end of me. I do not feel anything but this is the bloody dead scrolls or something?
And mum and me go to the sea with a white van every day and see bikini clad woman wives who do not object to be seen naked or alone reading the French in the original language. A thin Turkish woman a wife she said whose husband had dividends.
“Dividends in what?”
“What do you think the poor wife has dividends in?” asked another woman.
“I don’t know do me?”
“Let God trick you as you did her.”
“I did not do anything of the sort.” I was not amused did not know the woman at all was a stranger to me.
And seeing this and the other and the rest of the herd like avoids me as if I am to be blamed for all this.
We always board the bus on the second stop the first stop is when we get there the second is when we leave and the rest of the time mum must drink lemonade because we paid for it and it is from the machine. There is always this queue and there is this small cup and then the toilet and then it begins again.
“Get me some more.”
The weather is intense as another couple got married and I wished they would marry and live together forever and forever.