Chapter 9: Sister Sitter
My sister was included in the rape charges brought about when she was in the house with her parents. Had been raped by the man who wanted to rape me? Or she told the ma. Blamed me still blames me she has sworn revenge and has been in this dissatisfied mode all her adult life. There is nothing else on her mind?
I could not have done anything to prevent it. I also was a victim she is now involved in vice.
“No she is what is known as the good girl the good child of society.”
“Society says she has not demeaned herself.”
“She has made good her life?”
“She has made her life from scratch?”
“From scratch cards?”
“Yes she did not could not have moved forward?”
“She did not want anything but money and she got what she wanted.”
“Did she ask for anything more?”
“She asked for marriage nobody would marry her when you told them about R.”
“Well it was certainly bad of me.”
“All the good people now disappointed about not shagging her in front of the world.”
“Look her husband would not have harmed her?”
“Not likely a Turk who does not find his wife pure would openly drive her into some ditch and kick ball her.”
“With the world watching as he does this?”
“Yes it matters the purity of the woman.”
“What about the purity of the family?”
“Well the thing was mother had the power of attorney over dad and she could have made him go into a maudsley the moment he did not behave but there was no one who knew about mum. I was given no wages worked for three years for a suit and then they took it away. They had their friend soil it. So I literally would have not even got this half house which I now write in.”
Sorry was the NHS aware?
“Of course I went to the Maudsley and told them everything back then. I was in my twenty third year.”
“I was told the very next year that it had been my fault for doing this that father trying to strangle me was my fault.”
“A law abiding citizen like your dad.” They all said.
So I work in the cafe did not feather my nest the kids got one house each for themselves and they did not even work hard. They went and as usual had a good life and their hearts grew stony as their mother’s.
B had become this permanent one to come and out stare me by startling me with her demands.
Yes she goes on her work loads and has a writing career but otherwise she comes and stares at my house wanting to evict me. That she is the legal owner and they are sharing this joke that I do not know about. That I being in this fondness do not dare to answer back to them and will capitulate and make their jobs easier by being not mean to the robberies that they might commit.
The man who must have raped her was our dad he was known as our dad. I could never speak about this to her and it must have hurt it. It must have cost that. Hurt and cost and cost us dear. It was our dad it was our dad he was supposed to look after us and so were you.
I had run away from a arranged marriage and did. If I did not I would have been sold and bought again and again so fuck off and stop thinking only of yourself. For I was not there had run away from an arranged marriage. I sent her not to the police or the parents but they sent her to me.
“I will make you into a maid.” She told me.
“A maid to me.”
Now all the nursing staff know her and she is well liked and does well everywhere she goes she is highly popular girl. She dresses in a white suit and has the running of the syringes she does them so well that she does not have a fault in her body.
Her life is one of working and doing and she is almost certainly doing something now as she has been a good girl all her life? Of course went to the usual eventful pubs and done the right parties. She is almost alcoholic; likes white wine and she is forever not able to hold it down. Of course she has the capacity to out drink anybody else holds her drink so well.
“Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you.”
Parents must contain themselves.
Parental control is needed when one has the television or the internet on but when there is a row and the parents are rowing more than we? What happens? Because mother was happily married to her husband. Disown you go out of this house my house my life and you are interfering with it.
Don’t leave this place this house stay and look after me I am so needy. But the thing was she disliked me in there with the kids watching they did not understand what she was doing the kids could go out but not I. She had somehow trapped me in there. She told me after her leg was amputated and it was only about me.
“My leg being amputated is all your fault. I was having nightmares about you and did not feel the stings of the axe as it fell onto the leg. Otherwise I was going to die with dignity and self respect without this thing. This amputation this leg removed.
I had become toxic.
“About me all about you?”
“We do not want you near us we do not need you we dislike you.”
I went and hid in my room for three years and then left and roamed the streets as if a wild animal. There is nothing to share at this there is nothing to answer back to when such things are said to a girl aged teen.
“She is sewing her wedding gown.”
“Wedding gown? Or a shroud?”
She wanted to see.
She dropped everything came upstairs wanting to see what she saw convinced of this and she said she is asking for it. She is asking for this she is asking to be thrown into the street husband let us have sex. Let her out of the house when we make the noise and nothing then can harm us let us let her out.
Demons gets into me and there is nothing to do but go nowhere to see to the vices of the body. I am okay alright there is not anything the matter with me I just needed air to breath as the house had become that stale after sitting on the same chair for three years reading Russian novelist which depress one so much that even Madam Bovary had gone mad with it.
Let us leave her to her own nightmares we have done the things which sent her packing let us pack her permanently outside. That is not the mother one wants for anyone’s child is there?
I do not know what had happened to B but she did not tell me but she must have had sex with her dad. I went and she and he were close in conversation and went to the psychiatrist and reported them. I had to because could not forget that kind of unkindly intimacy.
Went and did just that reported the whole thing to the receptionist so that I would not forget and this did not make the difficulties happen to us? It did. To make matters worse mother did not want to know about it at all. I remember that night in the Peckham area I took my umbrella and walked toward Maudsley hospital and that took me a while?
There was beasts roaming in the night time but I took both courage in my hands and walked the whole way. I did not know it had grown dark. It did not matter at all her safety the safety of her soul did.
I went and went until there was the hospital right in front of me. I entered and did the talking went and did the talking went and did the deed.
“I am here to report something.”
“I am here to report incest.”
“I am here to report incest.”
“I am here to report incest.”
“How reliable is it?”
“I don’t know the man in question is dad and he is having some failings and he is also the patient here.”
“Okay the doctor will see you now.”
Some time afterwards B said to me in some hatred so disparaging, in some heats in something like a woman who had been done for.
“I will make you into a maid after what you did to me.”
“I will make you into a maid for all that.”
“All the love in the world and she turned out like she has done?”
They are talking about me.
We believe in incest it is good and as nature intended says Z. It bonds the family together.
“Just like cannibalism?”
“No we are not cannibals.”
“What eating your own flesh and blood.”
B had to work in the cafe when I was out roaming.
But she did not have him in the house she only worked in the cafe which is equivalent to being beheaded and raped. Before she had been in an improper relationship with the man who gave her a gun to shoot everyone in the house so that they could be together. She had been in love with him and she had not been thirteen at the time I think. But she had started to show signs of sexual activity at four and all that she did not want me to stop it. I could get a lot of money and have this house she told me at four years old.
“She is the one for me.” Had said Eftal before he was raped by a boy prostitute. “You are older than me.” He said quite kindly.
“A four year old is quite young?”
“Of course and she is cuter than you.”
“Yes and I will marry with her.”
“B come this minute and learn how to read.”
“Do I have to I could be making a lot of money.”
“Yes it is a sure sign you will be caught out.”
“I want to ask him something.”
“What I am here too listening to all that you are saying. And I want to leave this unholy place without more haste that boy is a disruption on the girl the child is quite wild as it is.”
“I am not. Look sister sit down and listen to me you are just too young for all this.”
“I am quite grown up for my age.”
“Look it is not true.”
“It is he does not love anyone but himself.”
“Jealous jealous and more of the same how unkind you are.”
“Speak to me sis whatever does it mean to you?”
“Money more food and more money.”
“That means you love me?”
“I love you I love you two.”
“Do you love me too?”
“Of course sis.”
“I will wait for you to m.....”
“What of course now behave that is a good girl.”
I only realise after many years she in love with me and had been waiting to mate with me.
“You want everything to be perfect.”
Freud explained this perfectly transference or something or is it parental control or contortions of the mind? Lack of a mother my mother was not lacking everybody says so.
“She encouraged me.”
“She did indeed. Such a pretty girl.”
“Peacock. I what is it?”
“I love you no more the snow in the flakes are falling it is nearing Christmas.”
“I have had the snow in the flakes for some time.”
“You eating chocolate flake with ice cream?”
She takes it away from me and wants it as hers. I feel tears in myself but place it on the mantelpiece and we both stare into the globe. A couple of years later I am asking where she put it and she swears at me saying it is now hers.
The thing is now older than it should be and it must be mine for keeps.
We both end up breaking it.
How can they?
To make matters worse the children who do get abused do not have any justice done and they can waste away with the systems own systematic abuse.
“The psychotics are all out. The thing is the justice legal system has had all their workers resigned and their resignations are the paedophile dreams. They are all under arrest but they are not able to be compensated the victims are not to be compensated so they are twice victims because one they got their hopes dashed twice once when they were raped the second time when they needed the money mortgaged their dignity and had now flopped in courts.”
“The paedophiles themselves must pay for the damages done to these victims?”
“Their assets are safeguarded by their wives.”!
“Who had behaved with dignity and understanding as their husbands went and did what they could for themselves in order not to harm their families that is their wives are now behaving so well and their children did not even know what it was.”
“No when their fathers went into the bedroom?”
“To smoke or take out a nursery rhyme.”
“Why would a grown adult want to read a nursery book?”
“They are small children as well who had been raped too.”
“It is a problem?”
“No because it is like one rape then follows another and generations after generation.”
“It is hopeless.”
“No sorry I don’t understand?”
“I am saying this that a child abused works with children and in turn becomes a abuser so does a woman who does it with a man or a lesbian in order to get kicks from the situation.”
“I do not need to know that.”
“I did some research on this please understand it is the best bit of work.”
“No she never lacked for anything.”
“My mother never lacked for anything.”
“She lost her leg.”
“Because she had given birth to you.”
“Me? No I am adopted.”
“She had been abused too? Her father spoilt her the mother could not do enough to bring her down.”
“Children placed fleas in her hair.”
“And she disliked school.”
“The same thing happened to the siblings they hate school to.”
“When she wets herself in front of the whole assembly.”
“Makes her fortune that.”
“It is a nation which likes endeavours of that sort.”
“Enough that is all she brought us up.”
“She did just that you would have been grown up by now.”
“How kind is your sister to you all and concerned.”
“She is never?”
“She is so kind and caring.”
“Kindly sir don’t say that to her she behaves abominably.”
“The sister had to marry the shag of the husband.”
“He wanted to be friendly with the whole family instead of just him.”
“On his way to a super store he went and had a panic attack but he could play football.”
“I know the super store it is a place which brings on panic attacks.”
“Maybe he did not like to spend his money?”
“Quite mother we must have some money.”
“I am doing all I can do to make ends meet.”
“Mother do you know what she is doing?”
“Just behaving like a girl.” Said mother.
The moral of this story is girls start quite young.
“She is only four years old.”
“She appeals to men that way.”
“China doll why do this?”
“To mend my finances.”
“Passport control five pounds a entry.”
Me and you
Suffering does not make one easy to live with in fact it makes one like a cat clawing your eyes out. The tears and the strains of the crying game is delicate to the nostrils we fear to leave ourselves and fly as if flying the kites of make believe world or madness. That we are no longer children but our childhood has made an impact on our world on ourselves and this thing called our psych.
Luckily dad was sent round to calm the situation. He smashed his room up and he said don’t send your dad over do not send him over because I will sell another gun to your mother this time and she will shoot you.
Mother is more efficient than father.
Then he turned round and asked quite sincerely is your dad mad. I had no idea she had been made the offering and there is nothing to swear to but to thank the beasts which are within me that I did survive that I had to survive my childhood with the children somehow surviving as well.
“Guns how guns are shot down and whole neighbourhoods in Turkey are blown asunder the gun shooting all involving minors who are the prey as well as the meat the gun shooting the smoking gun the neighbourhood awaken to the facts of the situation a policeman had shoot his entire family. What reason because his wife his sister in law became his wife after his wife died and she and he did not take to each other he said they robbed me dry bleed me dry and he did shoot them dead. The only survivor was his two year old who called him dad.
“Call me dad.”
“Call me that name again.”
“Call me daddy hoe.”
“Daddy daddy who?”
“Is your dad mad?”
“No of course not.”
When there are no grownups in the place there is nothing but this sufferance and suffering because you end up looking like a doll speaking out of turn and having a fit of coughing meet you. Not qualified and there is nobody to listen they think you are just having them on and the parents have lost their ownership of their minds as they do not want to think such a shame it does not happen to a working mother she is working till two o’clock at night in your room and you can’t think in the morning because she has been in the speed of machining and there is no living with it.
Tempers get frayed,” the machining has got on your nerves?”
“Child I can stop working if you are willing for me to do so.”
“No mother just continue machining.”
“Till two o’clock the neighbours have been complaining we do not want to evict you but the other tenants cannot sleep.”
“Just nine o’clock ten at the most.”
“B has done all the work with her own tiny hands she has worked hard all her life.”
“I have never seen B work at all she comes every other Sunday worn out and says so and expects to be served as if the apple of your eye.”
“She works all the hours in that office.”
“She is a whore is she not?”
“She travels to south end every day to work in an office walking two and a half miles to the office in all that mud. She changes her boots for shoes and does not mind the smell.”
“She does not mind to have a party every year but has not updated her skills with the computer.”
“She thinks updates are wrong.”
“The doctor thinks she is kind and well meaning.”
“She is still very charming and has all her looks.”
“The thing is also very cultured.”
“Yes she went to University.”
“She got a first class.”
“Well she was too eager to not to make money she just left that there.”
“Not enough time she said to live life as she wanted to.”
“Spent some time in the pub wanted to catch up on her television viewing.”
“Is he mating with her?”
“I feel so.”
“But that makes his judgement biased.”
She must have got into her head that I am shagging the entire psychiatry system? No that was wrong before you got there. I think the Russians who were the mainstay of the experiments got it wrong for us saying like the behaviourist have that the rewards are here and that one does not need to think about things. We now have the same ideas about it.
The conditioning process is this that rewards are greater where needs are met and everyone has needs. Russians are now ruling the world through doctrines such as these.
Mother on the other hand had married the wrong man. After all the offers she had she had to marry him and she had two other husbands before which madden her.
“They also said ma was not involved with the things which happened in the home but she married to dad and not a child?”
Mother is not involved in what goes on in the house she is into television and all her needs are met.
Thing thinking is that is what a mother is supposed to be doing? Talking nonstop to the doctors would make the situation of being penniless better. It would cure me. The donkey died of starvation and it is humorous.
“Yes that I had to resolve the issues between pa and me.”
“Pa and I had issues.”
“Yes he had left something not done and he wanted to complete it.”
“He just could not understand why it was wrong.”
“Ma ended up having to do what?”
“She was married to him if he had cancer and she had to nurse his wily that is what marriage is about not only the wallet but the whole thing.”
“We went to the marriage counsellor with mummy as the main partner is there a joke?”
“Frail woman is that what ma is about?”
“Frailty is a sign of weakness.”
“Frailty is the wife the women.”
“It says in some place frailty you are woman.”
“But what does that mean?”!
“The children can do what they like to whomever they care to do it with.”
“As long as there is a psychiatrist to pick the pieces up.”
“Well he must be very busy.”
“Now I am lost all at sea?”
“Going to the seaside with whom?”
“I think it is a sign of our times that we are all drunk and talking stupidly.”
“Take for example this father and the doctors who state that a ten year olds sexuality demands the treatments which are denied a diabetic because diabetics are less into sex but more into food orientated. I mean what is that about this seven or ten year old has a sexual problem and we must pay for it?”
“Well she has started early.”
“What she has started is that we must pay a changeable sexuality all the way through infancy so that someone can get a kick from it?”
“Do you know how many times a child changes her sex?”
“They enact it all the time and it is not wise thing to misbehave and tell that child that now she is grown up enough to be ill.”
“Why not wait till she is a bit like a teenager or even beyond before talking to a doctor and telling her that she is about to have a sex change?”
“What is it about?”
“The psychiatry system needs an overhaul.”
The nursing staff are stretched to the limits. What are they doing there in the hospital is walking too many corridors and not being in the wards long enough to know what is happening. Of course they do? Does it mean that you all think I am lying about it? There are not enough experienced nurses and the visitors in mental wards are there all the time making copious notes and having their visas and British passports which I don’t think should be happening.
Does it make them what? Illegal migrants. Look more patients are flying over to Spain for treatments and there is no knowledge how they got there. Somewhere there must be falsies. Not the bra size but the passports.
“There are many patients now in need of a nurse but the phone is there to answer them for their needs it is a good idea that because instead of the bloody nurse going round in traffic. She can stay and make the patient better on the computer with the symptoms all done for her.”
“But it is a very difficult job with no days off and the patient can be killed off because of the work load.”
“There must be a break for the patient and the carer otherwise life is unbearable for both.”
“I could have killed for a break from the workload.”
“That nurses have become selfish.”
“That to become this permanent carer when there are no rewards except death they think makes the world nicer?”
“They can kill each other from the workload?”
“Yes they can and the resentments which that brings.”
“We will come and bring you relief on Mondays for two hours is not the words one hopes to hear.”
“But that means I am driving for six hours to take care of your workload.”
“He is not the father the only thing is you lot are so thoughtless self centred and all that.”
“We are doing our best.”
“What would happen if there is no carer?”
“In the home?”
“Then the patient must be in a home sheltered by nursing staff.”
“Do you also know that the psychiatrist in the hospital had a patient for two hours?”
“They needed resuscitation.”
“Flea on you all.”
“I did not hear it on the news.”
Couples must be re-homed and then they can be taken care of because the old are not as strong as they might think. It is very difficult but that is the best way forward like a sheltered home and they can take care of the coffee and the television but their meals might be optional and they can come in and out that way they will live longer be happiest and not murder and die from exhaustion.
“We do not have the money.”
“For making people die with dignity and happiness?”
“That we do not even have a penny.”
“Murderess will happen there can’t be a logician who can enslave the older population in that way.”
“Home helps might help.”
“There must be more of them.”
“There must be someone who does a lot of cooking for them.”
“There must be things done for the older population because without the basic needs being met they can die from rage.”
“If there is nothing more to add.”
“I am not an adding machine.”
“You criticise all the time.”
“I am all round the place.”
“There is no thought in our goals only this beastly happy talk about drunken disorderly sex talk.”
“A seven year old must have sex change.”
“Another flea in your ear.”
“What an idea that I am over critical.”
“Well a man was raped then he had his sister marry the bastard.”
“I can see his view point he wanted his sibling to have the same experience as he had.”
“Would you do that to me?”!
“Of course sure.”
“Well the reality shows show more than they should it is as if the things that matter are not the things we care to be.,”
“Look woman in bed with them lads and lassies are not the only thing they discuss.”
“They also share jokes and the money they want from the show BMW or something?”
“Where money is concentrated that is where BMW exists.”
“Frailty you are woman.”
“I think that is so true.”
“Drunken and disorderly.”
“The thing just had my lunch.”
“Is it not too early just yet?”
“I have lunch very early.”