Bloody fraud how did she know?
Who cares what I think who cares what I want. I am not agreeable all the time so nobody asks me what I think.
So who are they?
She knew exactly what I was who I was and what manner of life I led. The thing was I had no idea of who she was. There are the ten commandments, party and more of the same if no invite to a do then you are through being useful to me and you out that door. The more invites to a party the more of you I want to see.
The hell is there is absolute certainty that we are in the right and you in the wrong. We are being robbed giving you these things. A piece of advance warning there is nothing but undertakers where you are going and to be sad and alone in the house is no way to treat that beautiful mouth. There is nothing to ask from this life but to avert the disaster of being alone, to be alone is to be without use and wear and tear of life is when one is behaving like a lady surrounded by friends and making it with the man.
“Do have a cup of coffee with me.”
“There is nothing left but coffee granules from this romance?”
I continue to clean and wipe the surfaces.
Coffee is like it never has been the stain is what is left.
I cannot wipe the stain from me.
The strain is killing me.
“No one whatsoever.”
Life is continuous.
“Your only problem is you are a nobody.”
“I want to be someone?”
“You did not work at school.”
But Miss I have and I did.
And several minute dances later.
Momentum and monotonous, look I did that yesterday and the day before I dropped a door on my feet and it still hurts. My that door was hurting me now. I had to wear bed socks and there is me the sucker trying to do the garden when the garden is being trashed. I am not leaving that garden for some mafia boss. There is the end of it.
I am behaving like myself nature as intended and my intentions towards myself is to behave well like a lady. There is not much of a lady in me? Do you think so me not a lady how come? I am a lady I am there is nothing the matter with not being a lady? But he wants a lady friend and I am in such pain there is not much else there is this pain in my toes and I think there is pain in my hands there is pain in both hands and toes and this is the thanks for the life of no sin?
“The good do not inherit the earth as we all thought.”
“They get to behave and the girl not that girl takes him.”
“I hate him.”
“How dare he and dare he has.”
“There is nothing to say?”
“I am a walking disaster. I made my bed in the cloven fields and made off with the man who should never been mine.”
“I have been had.”
“He has no money to pay even for his DVD’s.”
“He does have a house.”
“You know that is good is it not?”
“It is at least something is it not?”
“I have a house he has a house we are now two houses.”
What is our philosophy: Money loyalty and the hatchet. Look money means the world can go round and we can light up in the warmth at night. Money means a meal for our children money means we have enough. Non dependence independence and a life called our own.
“Money is our business.” Said uncle.
“When there is nothing what do you do?” asked someone else.
“Where is the money in this?” dad asked.
“We are not refugees.” I said.
“Look my saloon is perfect I extended it.” Uncle’s daughter was good at extensions.
“Look there is the new patio we built it.” Said auntie.
“But this is not your house is it?”I was said.
“What?” they both astonished look at me.
“Not your house look it can’t be your house.”
“Why?” They now not amused.
“I am not saying such wonders is that Yildiz is now her known name; but she is not really called that as she had to change her name in order to wed my step dad; who really is her half brother who really is my uncle. Who really is related to my adopted mum who is really my auntie.”
I was telling this story which never got started, because kept on being interrupted then everyone said I was a you know different which meant no longer nice and nasty men would come and try it on without blame from their wives.
That the little protection I had was gone.
I became a servant not a slave a servant in the house which was co owned by me.
Where did it begin?
You might ask when it began? Because it is the truth that it began in the same place ended in the same place would be okay if I said it out loud? I would also know the same places because hardly travel at all.
“I think it all began with Jimmy Saville.” I was watching him very closely when a man called uncle said the worst things in that room.
“I will sell my mother’s bloomers if I have to.”
“Yes it is right you would.”
“I can sell anything even my grandmother’s bloomers although God rest her soul now she is dead.”
“Why not her white shroud?”
“Do be serious it is contagious it contains germs I tried to sell the damn things to hospital they sussed me out.”
We went to Saville and I did not understand why he made me uneasy I thought perhaps he had a temper or something?
I glanced round the room uncle was looking at me at that minute. I reddened tried to gather my skirt up and felt vulnerable.
“I can even sell him.” Uncle said.
“Yes it was back then when he said click cluck.”
“Why did he say that?”
“I can sell the goose that lays the golden egg too.” He added.
There is passion in his remark. I said, “Don’t sell the goose why sell it?”
“Yes why sell the goose which lays the golden egg?”
“What is the reason?”
“She broke my machinery.”
I reddened very surprised that anyone could do such a thing to him and get away with it why whoever it was capable of murder and was indignant on his behalf. I had no idea it was I.
“Because at night he was a monster and in the day job he was gorgeously generous and kind.”
“So he said click cluck?”
“Yes to tie the seat belt he took care of many road accidents.”
“Sorry why did he do that?”
“Because he nearly caught and had to mask it.”
“So you knew him?”
“I did nothing of the sort his story was in my eye the moment I saw his cigar and his malicious eyes.”
“Yes his eye?”
“Not both of his eye just one of them.”
“He was hiding something masking something as he was looking at someone.”
“I knew it straight away. But then was not sure because he had done such good deeds.”
“The general pattern of celebrity paedophile I think.”
I thought he was looking at a desired object or something. He was looking at someone or something he wanted and there was only children there at the time vulnerable children. So after that the ads began he was made into this almost saintly figure as if his will was their command. Then the things came out after he had died. He died and everything crumbled and he was eaten up entirely by his lies and wickedness. So what is it about this? Victims cries will always crumble the rich fame is not the barrier for making themselves look good there is nothing dirty that can be hidden.
The same goes for the parents? On another one of those come for tea and we can chat about the little matters. Do come for tea dear it will make you and me delighted to see one another talking about the olden days.
“Yes the same with dad and ma as they are celebrities in their own country.”
“No he is a spy or something.”
The normal dad and mum who made me educated me and fed me were just relatives that they foisted me onto. Because I had this disease which requires constant feeding as if in a drip.
These bright beasts who could stand the sight of me because of reminders of the days when there was lusts and passions which had to be erased and discarded because he and she were married now and she was not the wife for no reason she was his proper wife and she his somehow near relation.
“No that is not true.”
“It is true that is what is the only truth.”
“The blood feud is the only reason I am keeping you in my house because if you leave this room you will be dead.” Said my mum Zeks I looked in the dictionary her name means Zeus this is a big thing for me the God of the Athenians.
The Gods must be offended by being compared to such a person? No the Gods were far worse. And that is what makes it particular mother is smaller than average height. But she more than makes up for it by being hard and rotten with money nil by mouth and you spent a lot of it anyhow.
“It is what I cannot say.”
In that room which I was in for four years gaining primary education and not being a beast but a burden like a beast who cannot do and is unable to do. Why does nobody share their own version of what had happened and why? Because they dislike the truth.
“Does it matter where you came from you are now mine do you hear you are now mine.”
“No one owns another person.”
“Look we are the ones to make you into a woman you are our own.”
“I am not a lesbian.”
“Does it matter what you are? You have no money so your opinions do not matter.”
“My mother said to get things done must not mess with her.”
“Do you know what you are?”
“I am hopeless.”
“Yes that is the sort you are hopeless.”
They have a house in the Camberwell too I think but I might be wrong because in the Camberwell area their house is huge. I might be mistaken because I see uncle everywhere but think that he used to be known as Uri as well a sex addicted, wine induced and many other things. He disliked literature and did not even want to read the manuscripts sent to him unless it was by men.
A proud editor of porn because it made money and he liked gothic porn most, a editor and a agent who became a tutor and taught at Morley college.
“How strange she is?” a nervous giggle. It was auntie.
There is a nervous agitation.
“She taking her pills?” asked the husband of auntie which only meant the uncle. He took his role seriously and chewed on it and chewed on it.
“Of course we all are.” We all said in my section of the family, “except for B and Z who are under aged.”
“They should be taking pills too they too are poor.”
“Psychotic too even more so.” Said auntie.
“Dear friend.” Said mother, “the things in life which are never in this world the reality of our own, we will not even take a toothbrush to the other world.”
“So we might as well do as we wish here and now?”
Was she saying something hinting something doing something odd?
“You will not mind?”
“Not mind at all.”
“Was I sold to the auntie?”
“By my own mother?”
“Yes you had been.”
“You two are now married.”
The woman in the house crimsoned bright red. She did not deny it there was suddenly interest and content. She had been somehow reined in. When a husband dies what else does the wife do but take a concubine? Otherwise she too dies.
“I am your adopted daughter you are my aunt.”
“It does not matter to us.”
“How we all love to be here so interesting and amusing.” Mum said as if the astute and clever at the same time. There is almost a blessing in disguise to her being rich so that she can visit these marvellous beings.
“I think we better end the visit.”
“Ring next time you come.” The thing was ridiculous.
“Yes there is the other things we need to do.”
“Having manners might help.”!
“Polite or impolite?”
I meant to say the words the words but it got lost in the opening of the door the closing of the door the being swept along into the car and door shut. Then driven mad by reckless driving or too timid driver inconsistent dad and then driven round the bends and round and round the streets.
Got home so dizzy and I went to bed immediately.
They gave me a hard time
They used to beat me black and blue they used to bite me and they used to throw me about so that I might rattle said mum. They used to do so many things that in order to save me grand took care of it that I would never be under their monopoly again.
What she felt for me was as if I had been a dog who had strayed her husband/brother not having the love of the man he claimed to be was not much but the distractions which set her pulses and made her mad. But they both appealed to my better nature to find out why we went when they called.
The situation was parents thought they had nothing but to thank themselves they not involved in my upbringing headstrong and wilful they called it. I made nothing of my life they in fact declared they worked hard and made the world a happier place. Look they did nothing of the sort what they did do to the world was to create a band of gold for the would be incest people look we got away with it and how we got out of it and look not even she knows about how we did it.
And the going rate for that is this look the fool comes and sits and we in love and half brother and sister and she does not even know wonders will never cease I have a feeling for my own mother so I want to do the same thing.
“Ha ha go on.”
So the party went on.
The balloons of the past made the future impossible and impassable for them but they don’t understand that what matters is to eat all one can and then to pay for the services but never underestimate the servant who has served you the meal.
No Social graces
We were given invites again to attend as somehow mum found out that they would be at home for some reason and they wanted us to go along to seek their refinements. For me to learn table manners they thought very important. How she had changed her carpets a newish carpet and a new sofa only two years old because I had said how nice it was. Yes I had commented on these two features did not comment any more as if closed them off shielded forever more.
Justified graciousness and high condescension there is almost this jest of royal jelly about the atmosphere. We are wearing the caste system out. We are the cast offs and we do not dare give offence. There is this hopefulness that time will pass that we might earn enough to matter but we know we will never do so.
“He is in charge of the business deals he does all that but how he spends money Zeks how he spends more he is worse than the children.”
There was this chilling atmosphere as uncle went and came back with some whiskey. Seven bottles of whiskey on the table laid there for dad the would be alcoholic to see. How we going to drive home he was the driver?
“This is the whiskey love.” Said dad, he was warming to uncle.
No longer the just managing but somehow the rich and well managed the oiled the bespoken respected and sought after- that was auntie.
I was getting worried at the amount which daddy was drinking and said we do not want for another fine another accident do we dad?
“Just take it with you?”
“Okay take it with me?”
“Yes do so.”
“You can drink a bottle on your own to your own health.” Said auntie.
Something was wrong with that.
“I will go now and sleep it off there is nothing wrong with that.”
“But we have to drive too many miles and we need a clear head.”
“She dictates to you does she?”
“Children are like that.”
He drunk a glass and did not drink some other and he made me promise he would have money enough to buy whiskey when he went home.
The auntie and uncle were sort of sorry for some reason.
That is what money means. Without money there is nothing for the likes of us. Our dislikes are not what everyone wants to know our opinions do not matter we are left to rot in our own torments. We have no real education. The class system now is one of social elegance and poise, if one is with a clean house that means they have the money to do something with their habitat and controlling where and how they live. Control means power which in turn means health.
We have no real grounding our hands are the only things which brings in the money but when the hands are worn out what then?
“To become an imbecile is foolish for then I might kill you. To be without money is to be killed.” Said uncle.
“To kill someone is to be nice to them when they have no support. It is like releasing them from their burdens.”
In life it is not a story the strong survive the weak have no means to behave other than as servants.
“Please sir yes sir and never say no sir.”
To be a mere necessary tool in life in a machinery is to become a cob and I wish not to become that cob. I am a mechanic by trade and this is my idea to become not a cob.
“I hate him.”
What went wrong?
Every Sunday we would go on visits to auntie and uncle. It would be rude not to because they depended on us visiting them. They could not go without me because dad did not navigate well.
He always went on the wrong corner when he went to the junction missing his post and ending up nowhere and mum had to see the television which she did not want to miss the Wicked Woman, every week it was on and she never missed the show.
It would be rude not to be there on time before lunch or after lunch and see them and then run off and do our own family thing. Whatever did they want from us I wondered but they were pleasant enough couple unassuming. Their manners were perfect they did not shout did not yell and dad and mum were well behaved with them as well.
They had children who were well brought up to adhere to behaving well to inferior people and they did condescend to speak to me with the likelihood of me marrying well. Marrying in hell or heaven but marrying to a pauper was never their thing. It would be foolhardy to throw oneself over for nobody or nothings when what one needed was merest lusts and some cash.
“Love did not come until the end and who needs that unkind emotion when it is books say that matters how many people have real love in their lives?”
“Love is being imprisoned to someone else’s whims and it does not pay to go to this love without preparation, marriage. Then hopefully that might make one the centre of the object of his desires because lusts and love do not last.”
My cousins said they were meant not to speak to me before my marriage.
But not before would they speak to me as it would not be wise to do so. Before marriage no after marriage I would be spoken to depending on the rank and style of my husband.
My husband would have to be a Turkish man with the right sense of responsibility.
“Now you are nothing.”
They both jeered at me somehow I did not know the reason for this joke they disliked me for sometime but now they wanted me out of the house as it was upsetting their parents.
“A mere nobody.” Would nod her sister.
“I mere nobody yes I expect so.”
“That is what we like about you we can say anything and you will not be offended.” That was C the one who is the smarter of the two.
“Oh it is them again would yell the third one for crying out loud they are more at home than we are.”
I am startled and throw my gaze towards mum and see satisfaction in her face. I wonder.
“No table manners now what did you do with the Gucci?” said auntie to her children as if they had gone to a mere boutique and not to the number one store in the whole modelling world.
“Nothing my size.” Said the plumper of the girls.
“I had everything in mine.” Said the one just about to marry her name day been confirmed and everything she was just waiting for the time to marry then her life would begin.
“How could you have that when I ORDERED it.”
“How I can I am going to marry you have been married so don’t need to have it.”
“But I am so unhappy my mother in law expects me to cook and do her laundry.”
“In fact her husband’s as well.”
“Do you mean your husband?”
“No her husband.”
“Now I only do dad’s back.”
“Well I daresay you should they are your in laws.”
“I am going to give my allowance away.”
“To the starving nations.”!
“How deserving of her now I can become a famous person and be great again.”
“Would God hear my prayer?” She added in her grand manner of a twelve year old.
“How much are you giving away?”
“12 pounds the rest I am spending on shoes a ballerinas life is so hard.”
“Yes her shoes are the most important feature of talk nowadays.”
My sister B jealous of M.
Because they had so much in common even the way they spoke had similarity in their tones.
B was so jealous of M, there was this disaster waiting to happen I did think she would explode in her jealous rage because these people had so much and we had so little. B said to me as much afterwards but she just said something nasty about auntie and uncle being blockheads.
“I am going to become a Marxist.” She added and caused a revolution and become this great agitator and do wrong to the rich and take what is ours.
“Like Robin Hood?”
“No better than Robin Hood. I will have it stashed away.” She said.
“But that makes you the same as them?”
“No it does not they ..”
She stopped in mid sentence.
“How does one have money then?”
“School you mean?”
That she must have become white as a sheet. This mirror image of the rich and the poor B. I felt for her and this did not interfere? I felt for her sadness and her rage she would be destroyed. So did not say anything but waited. Being linked to this rich family was destroying us and this meant there was a real possibility if things did not go well we would go mad.
But mum was enjoying herself so much and she got into such a good mood afterwards it was as if a desert. One is still born if one cries out too soon.
My cousins were in dispute about something which caused them much heat and agitations.
“They were arguing about how to spend and she won.” C won or was it A?
“I only want a quarter of a million mummy.” Said C.
“I want to go skiing.” Said the little one. “I also want to be a great ballerina but I will do belly instead, do you think my feet are too large.”
“Deportment out of the question.” Said the belly teacher she used to be famous she danced in Swan like.”
“Maria something was she not?” I said.
“How did you know?” she thought me a sensible fellow.
“Only on television.”
“Even the riff raff know this? How come?”
I assumed a deaf ear.
I started whispering but mum had one ear glued to this sensible charade of come-uppance and family incompetence in bringing up children who do things in front of the poor relations. Never say things like that. I felt like exploding because I was young and wanted to write and here I was trying not to listen as the lists of their wants went on.
“Mum did you just hear?”
“They were arguing about millions?”
“Turkish liras was it?”
I had not heard it had been pounds but shrugged it off. We were sat on the sofa just so and there was not much to see but a girl trying she said not to eat ice cream as she run her pirouette sequence as she did so.
Her phone rang and off she went.
“I got twelve invites to every party going.”
“Have fun darling. Such a popular child.”
“Did you hear that she has a phone at 12 and seems very grown up.”
“She has ten of everything.” Said her proud father.
“Where does she get her makeup?”
“I had them as well.” Said mum.
Then I sat down and thought these people were doing something awful to me so what if they had the joys of having it all. What did I get out of the visit?
Auntie pressed me to have another biscuit considering she had given her daughter the opposite advice and she so slender and all that. I thought doubtless I had misbehaved did something nasty to her to make her hate me so much.
“You had me eat potatoes for a week.” Said auntie.
“She caused havoc in the kitchen emptied the contents of the entire shelves into the bins.”
“We had a wild party.”
“A child is the man.”
“It can’t be any different.”
How sad it all was. I thought for a grown woman to be doing this kind of unkind thing misbehaving making off with a offence for a under aged child so that she could exact some kind of sweet rage. My rage was growing and soon there was this thing coming upon me that I WOULD exact my own revenge and none of them would like it.
How truth tells in the end.
Mum had said once when I had been young that the only problem with auntie was she had behaved like a child. That if anything went wrong with her children’s lives she would not surrender an argument and would not rest until the other child was destroyed. Her only grave fault that was because with a child one has to be an adult and to show her within the law that what is right and what is wrong.
Auntie and Uncle could not return the visits.
But they said they could not return the visits as they had no car. The thing was he could not drive and she never would. He whom we shall call whatever we called aunts and uncles; I had barely known them when they did become this thing which dictated my time in life.
In the 1960’s when uncle and auntie had been young they had been going to a party and father had been away on holiday when the rent was owing and we did not have enough to eat. Uncle came and begged the last penny from mother and made off with it so that he was well made to go to this party. He took our money for bread and went to a party with the proceeds? Yes he had.
“Do you like my shirt my sister bought it for me.”
He was telling the cousins in a laughing voice. I had never liked him but that time there was something which made me diabolically dislike them.
“This child does not like me. We will see child.”
“Uncle is a good kind uncle.”
“Uncle is your only blood relative who says nice words about you.”
“Auntie is nicer than nice to you.”
“Be a well behaved child.”
“A very well brought up child.”
“Yes uncle we do love you.”
“Your mother bought this shirt for me.”
So we begin to hide our money from him and her.
“No time off because your auntie and uncle will be offended.”
“Quick because they will worry.”
“We must be off otherwise we will give offence to your auntie and uncle who love you so very much.”
“The thing is I don’t want to go you go?”
“Do you mean to be cruel?”
“Kiss the hand?”
“Kiss the hand that feeds you.”
“Just kiss the hands that feed you.”
“I love hand kissing.”
“Any other hand I need to kiss before I can eat?”
I was never made to kiss another hand again.
There is never any oppositions
Sorrows come thick and fast. We are not to be in that way inclined we do not need the society of such man. He is beyond our reach and that is a fact.
“I need to have friends too?”
“When you are ready.”
“You have a friend she is your friend.”
“When you have a special friend you will see having a female friendship is the best one ever.”
I thought about it.
“Never. I dislike females.”
“That is why we are showing you how it is done.”
“No of course not she is your friend.”
“But she is your loving auntie and there is an end she wants to see you.”
“Because it is just to see you it will give her pleasure.”
“But it is boring.”
“Well you do fidget so.”
“I am not going.”
“You will young lady and there is an end of it.”
Dad was off most of that week and disliked to say was snarling in a way peculiar to himself. They said it was not good enough what I had done to them after their goodness to me.
My visits to them done them no good.
None of us were made any happier it did nothing for me but the parents somehow had to travel all that way for some reason as their response to me being an adult.
“She has to be put in a container.”
“Like everyone and labelled.”
“What on earth?”
“She thinks it is the most romantic thing in show biz.”
“Why because they love each other they fell in love because when the things went wild in their youth they had to mate but she went to my dad and had the thing and he went to this other thing. But it did not last.”
“Because they loved one another.”
“Because mum and step pa lovers then married.”
“Their marriage the result of incest.”
“Their produce the result of that kin.”
“They are committing a crime.”
“No they are not.” Said Z, “It is true love.”
“Imagine that are you stupid?”
“No I have higher qualifications than you do.!” Said Z very agitated.
Then she locked herself into the bathroom where she could not be hurt.
It made me nervy how narrow the escape had been and we had only just repaired the roof. The roof had began to leak as if pouring down and we placed the saucepans the buckets near the sitting customers. They just sat smiling politely then left after many discourses into what it means to have a bizarre cafe without a roof over its head. Next time we will bring our brolly.
“Ah?” we said.
“What did he mean?”
It made me nervy but took some oranges and was about to eat when was really interrupted.
Did dislike the very poverty we all stood at. She had nothing more to gain because if she did not give us then how was she to gain from us? Who had the means to do the work? That dad was always spending money on the essential car was it essential because he got the food stuff and all that because he drove around looking for bargains and he needed the car.
“It means we have the car and the cafe without the car the cafe goes.”
“They knew that place though?”
“Never you mind.”
“You both are being mean.”
“Why is that man coming if he does not repair anything at all?”
“What he comes to see that we are well taken care of.”
“We do not need him every day coming and collecting we do not need his sort round here.”
“He rescued our cat I would never had had her if it was not for him saying we should.”
“It was none of his business in the first place.”
“Mean ma she is saying we are mean.” They were eating a whole bar of chocolates.
Dad there and then decided to repair the roof and make it liveable, we had lived in a derelict place for a long time now we had to better our lot. No loitering about none whatsoever.
“No use waiting for Haberdashers.”
“Inside toilet too might prove useful.”
“I am never going back to their house.” Said B. Stating the obvious she meant uncle’s home.
I had given grave offence said auntie did not I love them?
“Of course I do.”
“Then why not come on a visit on your own.”
“I don’t know the way.”
“We will give directions won’t we dear?”
“Of course we will.”
Many directions did I get all wrongly. The thing was did not always realise where everything was or how.
Why were they intent on destroying me was not I their own child?
When I should have been researching some book to get down to do exams in there it had to be done another visit to these precious jewels. Oh it would cause offence if I did not go. Mum said family like hers was hard to come by and she meant this as a compliment. Her family was sure thing they had made it through life and his well his were just baboons. She meant her husband of course he was a mere gorilla.
Like some king and queen looking down at ordinary mortals. The thing was we were groaning under their weight the auntie was involved in some unkindness I never found out what. I felt like somehow hot and bothered did not know why and it did not only feel odd it was odd. What happened there at aunties, usually at aunties nothing happened.
Mother was headstrong she wanted to be near them. It was the aunt and uncle she meant her own real family.
They had others to come and visit also so they could not mix us with them. So they said do not come today come tomorrow we shall be home. Don’t come today come tomorrow. We had driven all that way you should have phoned. We are just going out and to do some shopping someone in the family is getting married.
“This time it is a well match.”
“Who is getting married?”
The uncle looked at me not confused somehow amused. I knew it was his reserved daughter who had somehow got engaged but was it her we never went to that wedding she said she did not want someone wearing woollens.
So I wore woollens and there was an outcry.
At the wedding I had no time to shop so we all went as we were as I had been volunteer nurse. The wedding was so quick and there was this invite and I had refused but they insisted so I went in my woollens.
It was the hottest moment of my life.
It was winter so had no summer clothes as out grown them.
That in total had no time nothing to declare but this bankruptcy, a failure this total inability to stand and understand what it all meant. I thought were they going to give us something? Were they mummy said in total
“The good people were shocked.”
“Something shocked them?” asked mum opening her legs. She meant to show her state of lack of knickers but then she had forgotten she had worn a knickers. She had worn dad’s. Auntie said something nice and they blushed in memories.
“ Why then?”
“ I want to see them.”
“They are shocked about your poverty before you were not that poor.”
“Your children have grown up and still you are without a bath and a inside toilet.”
“We do have a bath auntie but no inside toilet.”
“Well if you have not done it during the week you shall never be a scholar so why hope?”
“I might have grades.”
“What are they?”
“What has that to do with anything?”
“A whore in the making is she not Zeks?”
Mummy wants to just go to aunt’s.
“Big nose day on television.” Said B.
Mummy went against our advice.
Mummy wept because she had nothing to do and there was the end of it she had to have something to look forward to because what was the purpose of her life? If there was nobody of her own to listen to her and befriend her? Why should she be alive why should she be alive if nobody she had in the past was not hearing her voice and seeing her now? Why destroy her only family that was left to her?
The language was different there was nobody of her kin nearby.
“The cafe is work.” she said, “hard work.”
“These are my people the person I used to be.”
“The person I am no longer.”
“What else do I have?” she would be consumed by weeping.
Mummy went with dad driving the car with her fake fox fur. Dad as if he a taxi driver, and we at the royal do. We were there in no time and came back again. Yet again and the years rolled down.
“How lovely to see you.”
“How nice to see you too.”
“What a lovely skirt but then you always wear skirts.”
“Yes is it not a nice day.”
“Whatever happened to the last skirt you were wearing?”
“At the wash.”
They appeared to be one of our only relations speaking to us on some sort of footing. The others barely gave us a glance and did not bother much even to say hello.
“Recession is here to stay.” Said uncle.
“Yes we have money.” Said dad.
I wished I knew what we were doing here then?
I was in self Sacrificing mood: self harming one would say? I had a nightmare that he was going to forge a marriage with me and the mock priest would do the honours and he would make me a disgrace.
Due to many reasons I had decided to give up my boyfriend and hand him over to his own social class and due to many disrespects. I felt for his lifestyle and my own ill health or so I thoughtlessly did not think what it might mean to me and to him.
His having money put me off.
Me having no education and society manners put him off more.
I had no idea of what this would mean or do to us to me and my life our life. My decision changed me and him and made us the doomed beasts.
I was younger than now and the younger self was not the bright thing as I am now I felt this huge responsibility towards the family. I felt ashamed, ashen and blamed him. As if they my only salvation was to cut him off. My only hope of solving myself and my itching towards some kind of conclusion was that.
The dearest wish I had was to reach some sort of resolution about something from the past which I had no memory of doing. So I cut off my foot so what?
Once or twice there is some thinking which one puts down to nervous exhaustions.
But learnt the bride and the groom did not want to marry each other. At the weddings I went to did not want to mate or indeed marry each other. They were obligated to do that sort of thing because of family honour and dignity.
Everyone was a bit breathless as they went in and out adding to combustions and making the doors stir and creek as if the litters had gone missing.
“What might have happened?”
“I did not stay to find out.”
We asked for the photos and then left.
The photos were so well liked I did look my best.
“Are you well?”
There is this little pause.
“They are legally wed now.”
“It is only tradition.”
“Well I must see how well they look.”
“They have to behave.”
The mother comes smiling. Her children are settled into something and her duty is done to her satisfaction. It is in the London Hackney district and we were in the assembly room. We are living our customs in this country freely and they nod one of the reasons they stay here in London.
“This never happened before.”
“What has happened?” asked I and mum together.
He meant to say some rude words about mum’s bum or something but he did not.
Mum and I leave.
Where I’m I?
People do rotten things to spinsters you know. They make their lives hell and in return the spinster when she gets to be a certain age she has her revenge. The many visits endured and the things which I had to do to make ends meet are now my pot of gold. My distilled expertise.
One for the road one for the non road and one for the road that leads nowhere.
You see the young do not understand about love they don’t know the consequences of hurt and behaving like spinster. The wounds of time are nothing to them for their youth, is what matters and they do this and that without much thought.
Life is about consequences and it is no game there are wolves out there and oneself eventually accepts that oneself is one’s own worst enemy. There was everything to look forward then my education, life in my veins and all the manners of the impossible.
More of me died. Love stayed steady there was this ship in me there was this port and I had set sail on that ship and would drown on another.
Then he hated my mother. The boyfriend that is he hated her so very much he said he would provide. But he when he set eyes on me said no words about the future but how about it?
He hated both the parents and they meant to harm us and being together meant they would harm both of us. Mother was for him an inconvenience, which should not have happened.
He ignored all about the daily routines of disability.
She had just lost her leg and he did not even notice did not ask what we needed I had gone hungry to feed the family. Three days when I forgot to eat and then had lentil soup which had gone off. He said it was my choice. But I had no choosing in the matter there was no adults to see to these people.
I never realised that he needed me to. I did not think about his needs it was always this thing he did not do this and that. He run out then he ran and ran but he did come back to me.
“It is a strange family,” he would sneer.
“There is something going not right between you and your parents.”
“They are mine.”
“What else is yours?”
“But I am yours.”
He had secretly got married with a child and he did not even want me to find out.
Somehow he now mocks me, everyone is mocking me dad is staring at me tell him to go away.
Dad is staring at me he has been doing so for the whole day I want him to stop staring at me please tell him to go out of the kitchen.
“We could have become so rich.”
“Then you should not have come and told such lies.”
He does not reply.
“Look I was not well.”
“There is no point now he is gone.”
“He might have left but there are parts which are private.”
“Get me some tea.”
“What is that for?”
“I said coffee.”
“Dad wants something.”
“What does he want?”
“He is behaving most strange today.”
“What did he say?”
“He asked for tea then said he meant coffee.”
“Well never mind he is not himself.”
“Look what you have done now.” Said dad.
“Let me see your blood sugar.”
“Sorry hurt you.”
“I am trying to find it.”
“Sorry to have done that there it is done.”
“Have I lost my mind?”
The Maudsley too thought he not himself but then he got me into it too. The thing is he said as he tried to strangle me like father like daughter. There is nothing to answer to when someone does that to you. It is so painful you want to pass over and die. When one loses self respect dignity and the courage to live when the only thing that is propping one up is the past which is the barest of half truths the twilight years were the worse years of my life.
Then I was given by mistake father’s injection and went and climbed the roof. The thing was he had a injection much less than mine and I had the greater dose so why did I climb the roof? So this dipoxal not the same as mine?
So what had happened?
Why did I climb the roof why did I startle everyone by screaming what had happened to me?
“Different name on the bottle.”
“But the only difference is the dosage.”
“So what does it mean?”
“It means you are suspended from having the same hospital as mistakes can happen.”
“Now you must go to the one in Greenwich.”
He was someone else someone called dad.
They gave you the lesser dose? Yes they gave me the lesser dose and nearly went berserk.
Carer away, no longer this carer but the one who is the one who is to be in there in the out patients department waiting wasting her life on drugs and seeing and glimpsing madness and mayhem.
I was robbed of my name literally robbed. We looked very similar as children my dear half sister and me. Now she had the social veneer and the social money.
I wanted to justify myself so that I could make them see who and what I was I had lost everything.
I did not want that name I want to be a mother I told him. A mother that is what this is and the other name is not a mother. It is fire and I do not want to burn with fires any longer. So I sold the fire name and got a good buttons.
I mean sleeping around and then spending 2 million at the Hilton with enough coke to fill a fire engine where she had to be airlifted to hospital and spent the time being pumped or something and she only sixteen at the time. I blame the parents myself. Whoever heard of a sixteen year old having so much money at that time 2 million was a lot of money.
Some who used to beat me up until blue someone who hated the very sight of me somebody who lied to all about the broken child. He was a father nobody knew hated me because I am formally his child but he is not my real dad.
“Well thanks a lot when I no longer need to use it I will return it.”
“Well do not rush.”!
“Oh you are the best of sisters, my French tutor is waiting outside bye.”
“Goody.” I hated that name anyway.
“Half sister sat on me grand.”
I was not running away had been entangled in some wire because had been playing skipping rope and the rope caught into my ankles and there was I suffering.
“Do not like you.”
“I am sure it is returned.”
“Don’t say them words slut.”
“I am not a slut.”
“You are nothing.”
“I know for a fact I came out the same hide as you did.”
“Our mother you said our mother is a pig?”
She sat on me.
Where is the man?
My hands are empty
“You remind me of a goat who kicked the bucket.”
“Why did you break her collar bone?”
“She split the milk and spoilt the milk.” He would answer seriously.
He would often say. How he would speak about that goat as if he laughed in tears and joy. His enjoyments lasted many years until he knew the goat had turned on him.
“But I was not well.”
“You are never well.”
“The provider?” he sneered at me.
“I already provide.”
He said going back to work.
He sat on his chair smoking and a glint would appear in his eye
He should have never got out of hospital I said to the nurse but we do not know if he is pure evil or just sick.
Mr Smith due to Complications Leaves.
Mr Smith did not own I had ever had a family and he wanted nothing to do with us in that capacity as he has found Miss Right. He now so happy he did not want to come down from his high life.
He did not own that my father existed and I could never let go of the sisters. Not then anyhow not then there was too much of me I had put there. But now there is nothing but ashes in them for they hate me they hate me.
He did not understand what had happened to mother and he did not want to know. You see when someone loses their limbs it is somehow life destroying some part dies and it is not easy as mostly they need the will to live. They have nothing they might die from the disagreeableness of having become odder than they meant to be.
Their whole outlook changes sometimes to such an extent that one moment they are babes in arms the next a disagreeable monstrosities which legends like Long John Silver and all that do encourage.
Their whole thing rests on them being better able than their peers. If not they can become deranged even made into a hopeless cases. Where nothing in their life would make them see the starry night or even day break.
It is the doctor keeping up the morale and making sensible choices which would benefit them as well as the family.
“I want to kick you like a ball and after you lose the other leg that will be easy.” Said dad to mum.
You see that meant she would never lose the other leg because she disliked being helpless. He said brightly as I said no.
“My arms are healthy and strong.” Screamed mother at him.
There was a near punch up when I interfered. There was this unholy cries as we had become this family who would do such things to each other.
“Stop it stop it stop.”
“I am not divorcing him he will spend my money and come back.”
“ I am not going to work to pay off his bad debts. He is a fool a womaniser and all that. He can stay and rot.”
“You do not mean it?” I asked.
“Oh I think she does.” He said and, “You are going to rot with me despite your family.”
“I am going to kill you.” And laughing he lunges onto her.
But she was looking at me. Seeing this I fled.
“Why interfere”? asked Z.
I was undecided what to say.
You see I had promised someone from the past to protect her daughter it was grandmother and she had to be adhered to.
If I had let her down I would never have been what I am today. I would have lived as if a little less a beast like a woman with no spirit and not able to live as a clairvoyant and afraid of the spirits. I would have been corrupt.
I would wistfully look at this and the other patterns and this did not help then we did the walls somehow I can remember tracing wallpaper after sometime where this made me happiest.
Because of it all they became very greedy would not admit any liabilities and would not honour bad debts.
My bouncy self was a fake.
You see I was young and younger than my age boyfriend was a spoilt man of some wit and wealth. There was nothing that mattered to me but to make him have a strong and able future with someone to help him along his path. Somehow I had ceased to exist for him and this added to my behaving like a cow to all the nicest of people.
He did not care for this at all. He wanted the nonsense to stop and which I never spoke but went and did it anyway. What is this nonsense? I do not understand what is this you are doing I do not want to know it has to stop. There is something going on something you are not telling me what is this what is that?
I do not want to be controlled.
“Then you are marrying me.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I will marry you if I don’t have to obey you.”
He grew wild.
He never got over the fact that I was with Erturk and he said it not at all? No he did not say anything he said he had never asked me for anything but now I had gone too far.
“Why not me?”
“What mattered to me you were kind and gentle and now what are you?”
I am shaken I did not know what I was.
Erturk our dear friend.
And he had been an expensive hobby of ours because he had done us more harm than good like rich food one has tasted and it does not agree with one. He had benefited from many reading and experiences and told a good story.
I loved hearing his stories which ended at midnight or thereabouts he did absolutely ruin our sleep. There was no getting over the fact he made it lively in that upstairs room. Whenever there was an exam or something there he was as bright as anything coming to see what we were doing.
His mother came too and she told beautiful tales of Cyprus she was a woman who lived with him now and said she was trying to herd the girls in.
A bit of privacy and all that because he will leave his room at night.
Erturk was never amused when she belittled him. He said looking wise.
I was waiting for him to do my passport papers for me and I paid him in the end eighty pounds.
“Well it shall be done.”
“It must be some form?”
“I asked the estate agent and he will do it for me I want the things back.” I said with as much dignity as I could muster.
I had grown up by that time and had some experience and this made him redder in the face as he said something under his breath. I was nearing 21 that was what it was. At 21 he always lost control of them girls no matter how passionate they had been before.
“I don’t have it.” He said shortly.
“Mr Erturk I will broadcast what you are to the world if you don’t give me my papers back.”
What is a Divorce?
His bald head his brief case and his mannerism of the artistic man gone clerk and in fact a servant to the letters which he wanted to write. He a failed writer; only one credit to his portfolio, miserable beast whose children did not love or want him his own did not in fact appreciate him. To his lasting shame no longer but living it up as this divorce. His own family making him feel unimportant had given him the swagger to his hips and he disliked himself he hated his own flesh sexual flesh.
He would gobble down the plate and say nice words to the whole lot of us and there was something left unsaid which was the right words. Oh you fools to give me this plate when I want the whole table.
One thing said the other left unsaid.
Polite talk what does it hide?
The table our table was used as his table because he wanted the good food he said he loved mum’s cooking.
His mother said she wanted to avoid cooking and he said she avoided most of her life. She answered she liked at her stage in life others to cook as they more able to do so. Did not have a daughter which she much regretted. That is why she had adopted girls to do the cooking.
“You adopted two daughters?”
“Yes I did.”
“They did not turn out to be good?”
“Of course they are.”
I knew them both they were prostitutes because of Erturk.
But that made Erturk even more forthcoming.
“You shared the bath times with us?” He meant with his wife and him. I did not understand mother begins to laugh softly and we are all silenced.
“Families always share the goods and did not I tell you she was not the right good thing.”
“So you were right.” Said Mr Erturk looking like a lost man a boy even and then he glared at the whole lot humiliated by his mother.
“I am always right.” She insisted.
“Whatever is that for?” he hated her for being still alive.
“Such dignity.” She smiled, “just like your father.”
I then did not realise the significance of that remark because did not believe that a grown man could be with his mother and his mum convicted of killing his dad. His adored dad the person he resembled most in the world his mother said so and so did dad. So why did they sit together as if solid and dependable and sat straighter than anyone?
“We have to silence the gossips.”
“Yes we do.”
His job apparently depended on that he was in the firing range or something.
“Yes such dignity.” He had tears in his eyes his mother moved him?
His marriage over because of what his mother had done to him he hated her so much yet he could not do anything at all but destroy other men’s wives.
I did not understand then realised of course the woman and the young wife did share the bath together because when we unexpectedly went to their house the wife and the mother had had just had a bath and the wife looked amazing.
Dark beauty such a beautiful woman: she had just come out of the bath and was drying herself when the mother had asked us to wait outside. We did for some minutes. Then she opened the door dressed but the young woman was still in her dressing gown.
You know a towel or something? Yes very white towel and her lovely hair wet she looked like a dark princess. But her stance was more normal as if her loveliness was the sure sign of perfection he was talking about.
The husband came hurriedly with lemons saying his wife had craved them. He was going eh and hum and then eh and then when his wife dressed he pulled himself together.
Mother and he had so much in common language
He encouraged this by asking her to do special treats for him and she did. There was this wholesomeness about their relationship and dad was not even jealous. She said she would go to the toilet even if he stood and stared at her doing her pee.
“To her he was not a man.” She looked daggers at me as if I had spoilt myself did something nasty and rude to her and her upbringing and she wanted to uproot me from the soil and place me outside.
There is this non comprehension in my face as if the going is going to get tougher than ever and there she is going round and round trying to find an excuse to throw aside the conventions and somehow the conventions were the only things from stopping her from behaving as a monster. That we did not share a moment of anything but anger.
The self proclaimed me the teenage monster who had let her down and why did I do the things? Why did I not behave as when I had as a child? This new person she said trying to shag this man and that man going after her a whore she said a whore.
Because I went out with a man and she totally disapproved of this. Even saying I became a whore on the streets to get the backing from the family.
“She has to be settled when she enters a room all eyes on her as if a star.”
“I have one too they are so like sexy.”
“They all know her from the market stalls they say hello to her as if one of their own.” Said mother in a petrifying manner.
“That is what a whore is?”
“It is as if they are a disaster for the likes of normality they are sirens Zeks sirens which we can’t contain or control. I wish I can clip their wings.”
“Just like we did with the pigeons back in childhood?”
“Yes that is right.”
My head is ready to explode it had imploded the message was clear I had somehow become this freak show of sensuality and diseases will follow me and there was nothing the matter but that I was contaminated with it. A sex object because the fiend the mother said so.
The relatives had somehow sent him over as a joke I thought Erturk and trying it on every time did not help matters. That auntie had sent over Erturk to be fed and fed again. As a prank a joke a man of letters as he had been behaving badly what was the harm? To innocence he was never harmful but to the bad he was wanton. He left married wives alone and went to the cradle mother.
As my boyfriend was jealous.
If it had not been for their sending Erturk but what was the reason I wondered? What did it make them if I fell and become the devil? He was a malicious man with sharp wits where girls were concerned.
“Mum if dad is jealous why is he not jealous of Erturk?”
“He is not jealous of him because it is his cousin.”
I did not understand. You see B and Z were young and mum did say he would go with anyone female even babes and old woman over the age. Yet mum was safe with him. What did it mean?
“I am respectable.” She shouted.
“No one will dare come near me I am a married woman with reputation and no one dares.”
“So are my daughters safe it is only you he is after.”
I was a bit shocked by this and asked myself why he had dared to do that to me was I not respected? I went over it in my mind and over it until came to the conclusion he did not respect me at all.
Queued up and glued up to be the front runner of the Erturk shag piece.
Erturk had a queue of girls all waiting for their passports to be forged and in order to do that he had to sleep with them and have them at his disposal. Otherwise he would not do it. He pretended to be a rock star in that way. His aging self was good to his standards.
Erturk disliked me intensely but also was high in some sort of revengeful actions which spoke about his needing some showing off. After three nights of trying to shag me he had had enough and disliked me.
He wanted me as a trophy for his numbers game. He who did a great deal of scholarly jokes which B objected to on account that she disliked Aesop tales and these damn jokes were so like Aesop tales.
Nasrerddin was not her idea of a philosophy but for me Nasreddin was the very perfection of wit. He was a man who had lived in the 13th century no longer alive.