I am not Snow White I am not the same as when I was than a naive child filled with hope and laughter and so good nice good enough to eat. Nice and some took advantage because of being pauper and behaving so good the combination was too tempting. Being a pauper meant just that open to all sorts and most of them from family friendly orientated men who came to see the new comet. Like any other comet they did not want to miss it before it was settled who was to see it first. The comet was rescued by the authorities but then the authorities had a divisive decision to make the comet had upset someone very important.
Yes very important and still powerful and in their full dignity. That is all I am going to say about the power behind the comets fall. What matters the windy chilly weather when the comets come and go and there was others of course comets come and go and the more they come the more they breath atmospheric haste and complexities in the air that is why we found the black hole because we got interested in comets was it not?
It is ever so cold it is ever so cold we were waiting to find gold on our pavements and we found this disaster called cold. It is the worst thing fingertips are frozen the clothes are ever so glacier like and there is no heater on. No central heating in those days and it is food all round and cold-cold tea. I have nothing but this long sweater to wear as if it is one of the beasts in there hanging onto dear life. No shoes because I have not been allowed out I have to earn going outside. It is ever so cold and oddly it is that which tells us we are poor because in Cyprus it is always almost warm and there are people all round but here we are alone doomed. The air is sticky with our sweat and yet there is nothing but this other world the outside is cold dead and as if no sound would come into that room. I am supposed to be deaf than? Yes I was deaf than so there it is no use arguing I am a deaf child. I am not mute I am just deaf.
Things happen in childhood that influence our lives forever we are shaped formed and die in that shape; for that is who we are. In childhood one is abused most of us assume quite rightly that we can grow out of that abuse and become someone else. But when we are victims we cannot cope, cannot because due to economic circumstances because we are poor. For children need their childhood to make mistakes and to learn and if one is never allowed to make mistakes and grow what does that mean? We fall and we get up again and we fall and we fail again? No because a mother or a parent picks us up. But what happens when our parents are still children themselves? We were never allowed to be anything but sat down in some little room not allowed to go out because parental fears we would be kidnapped molested and done for. So we stayed in because we would be done for. You see if you go out there are dangerous things people are so much more danger to you all.
“We have friends.” I asked her.
“We were friends all they want is your virtue child.” Said mother crossly turning her back to us all, she felt trapped in that room with us all she was only in twenty seven and she had three children to look out for to feed and clothe and she hated the responsibility.
“I want to be a doctor mother and cure you of your ulcer.” I told her as she hugged me. I had no idea that being a doctor would mean learning to read and write. I had not been able to due to being a dyslexic child. Today they would say I had special needs.
To qualify for a scholarship one has to prove beyond a doubt that one has prospects. We are enfeebled because for example we cannot educate our poor brains emotionally already I was growing more and more unlikely to succeed because of behaviours gone wrong I did not understand what was wrong in the house and stood still unable to move in or out. We are with problems because most of us are abused. The teaching staff did not only cane me for no reason but for speaking but thought I had it coming all the time and were looking for an excuse to do so. The more abuse one has suffered the less likely one is able to cope with the demands of adulthood. Adult society is about integration and making sense of the world and all that the wider world is one where one learns to make someone other than the family happy. That meant nothing to me because I only went outside to get away from making everyone else happy at home. For adulthood means behaving in an adult way we have to take responsibility and make our independent living. But where is the home that brought us forward and where do we and what do we do in that house when the only example we have is one of abuse? That is a fact there are too many things in their way to become fully functioning adults.
Like only chairs to sit on as if in a show only red chairs expensive looking and a single bed and children everywhere and no space to be in. Mother was sewing with her sewing machine daily till midnight until they told her to do it till 9pm. In the room I was sleeping dust everywhere because of the clothes she was sewing. Does it make sense the window not open because of the cold air because the air was cold? Dusty and cold dusty and cold, it is dusty and cold.
So to be fully functional adult means, To have the right groceries and the right atmosphere to live in and a home which has running water.
“You do have running water.”
“It is between the steps.”
“If I build a kitchen double the rent.” Said the landlord and disappeared. He knew we could not afford that sort of rent.
It is that simple? Is it because the atmosphere of abuse is like a stench of death there is nothing likely to go wrong there is nothing likely to go right. I am as if in a twilight stage and the zombie in me always says the yellow brick road is the way forward. There is all that meaningless junk because some adult meant to harm and some mother let him do it. Junk is I no longer. Throw me to the oceans and let me swim mother. I am this mess a massive impressions of other peoples’ lives I did not escape the victims sense of being and there is nothing and nowhere to hide in. I am the one with the nervous indigestion telling my sorry tale to you all.
I am the one with the abuse? No living with my sisters they went through it too in their own manner they dealt with the abuse and went adding to lives and making themselves as well as possible. I do not think believing in impossible things before breakfast is the only solution to the rich man and woman’s problem. There is not much to answer when a man and a woman likely as not enjoyed themselves abusing all their children. But the thing was this did happen in England and some sort of rich people were too involved in the abuse? Of course they were. That is why it is of interest because the authorities too got involved from my earliest childhood to now. There is nothing the matter with this? I think not.
It is all to do with the perfect life we all must lead and it is not taking us anywhere we cannot live in the states we have created because it is filled with the corruption which got us such thinking in the first place. No thinking allowed. It is because of thinking we have corruption. It is logic? It is. Basically it is all to do with money. Look a rich girl is about spoilt as can be she too is being abused and does not know it.
“Give in to someone all the time and give her all and everything is like abuse.”
“Spoiling someone by telling her what to say when she does not want that someone when she is doing it out of spite to get that someone from a girl she is determined on having and then hacking is beyond a doubt not nice.”
Down the years I have learnt to be less into rows. It is because I have been good and giving all the time but the thing now is I am writing this novel and I need to be myself. So no more Miss Nice just to behave well in accordance with society’s dictates means that I do not do anything bad but I can say what I think. That is okay is it not?
“We have arguments we have this loud arguments.” And he rushed to her we had these blasted rows which took us by storm. He was besotted by her did not could not leave it alone. Where in the whole world does one stand? He went to her run to her was with her all the time. She conquered.
“I will get engaged to him on her birthday and that is a bet.”
“When women come and share their own views.” They nod in approval, “how dare a pauper want a rich handsome bloke like him.”
“Women have their views add to this mankind is made partly of women of course they did not matter much to begin with.”
“But nowadays we have the chit list which states we cannot do anything but in groups otherwise we have to be hacked to death.”
“That is what the chit list does to one.”
“Of course that is why it is the chit list not on the chit-list it is out of bounds into the group within the group we make sure your lawyer makes the substantial settlement on your divorce out of the list there is no settlement but a huge fee.”
“Look women have been running things for centuries otherwise what would have happened to us all it is now we have to worry about because women have somehow left us.”
“We have rough rows.”
“I am not asking for patience he said in a pitiable manner.”
“His life in the balance we are all doing balancing acts my sister said she wanted to join the circus.”
“Look said something rash where there is fear?
“No manners in here what and where are you?”
“In a tiny cafe this place stinks but is becoming cosy.” He adds gallantly.
“Doing the thinking because cannot fill out forms.” Daddy cannot fill out the forms who is going to run the place they will be homeless because Abdul is into gambling. Abdul charms mother of our money. What is the meaning of it all because Abdul is a gambler he would gamble his soul away. Your parents are comfortable he added as he had to jet to her side.
“But Abdul is not my father he is not my father he is not even family why should he have delicious food and all that?”
“Because he is adult and needs his strength.”
“Do not children need their strength too?”
“Most shop keepers only read but I am actually thinking.” I am trying to anyway. I crimson for dad the Fiddle has said something which made me feel ridiculous. What a hopeless situation life is one oddness like if I do something like read it is wasting time if I work it is gaining them an income and they of course encouraged the later. Whiskey bottles cigarettes and all manner of gamblers tokens. Mother found porn images as well that must have a bomb but she did not think it a sensible investment she said over my dead body would you carry such trash.
Trash I thought but he needed the release what she doing to him?
“I am a respectable woman a wife to your children.”
And dad went a bit more crazy.
“I said it again but this place is very cosy.” He said so filled with love and has only eyes for someone else he does not see me anymore. My boyfriend in the middle of this did not know what was going on. He did not even know that Abdul existed and this did not surprise me or the girls he was so careful. They were so careful.
“The gentry have got somehow sexier. They come and bomb one out of one’s homes.” Said a woman in the way of being in the business I mean not into whoring but market stall holder.
“These boots he gave to me.”
“Because we call it home sir.” No denying he is now more into her than into me and girls like her he has time for girls like me he does not.
“We call it the place to shit darling.” She hisses under her breathe.
“How did I land here?” I asked myself. In this ridiculous talk into this discussion about poverty.
“My wife will give you one of my house keys you can move in there immediately.” The thing is I know his wife into wife sharing.
“Who else will she give the keys too?” he does not hear me. He will never hear me there is not enough time for it all.
“I won you at the casino.” Said S he said someone called, “short straw you will see.”
“They always win.”
“Do not you remember we spent the night together?”
“What you talking about still virtuous.”
“Do you mean you gave me chocolates?”
“The banks always give my family money.”
“That is the truth they are the banks. The banking clerks always jump when I go in there.”
“What is the reason?”
“Sex parties done on the NHS.”
“What sex parties?”
“The thing is sometimes the banking clerks come pretending to be doctors and laughing at me.”
“When I used to go to the banks they would titter.”
“I could not tell them apart thought they were brothers.”
“The thing is?”
“Look she a doctor and a doctor has a doctrine.”
“No when she a wife she does what a wife does she has sex parties to while away her boredom.”
“She was in charge of my care.”
“She was in charge of my care and she did that to me.”
Is there conflict of interest? Of course it is and that means what? He placed me in her care and she is into sex parties.
“There is genocide in Britain.”
“There is genocide in the hospitals.”
“There is somehow this giggling again.”
“Control your language it is upsetting the patients.”
“There is something the matter with it?”
“I think if some would ask the patients they would not remember I tremble to think they will never remember.”
“I said he would not mummy.”
“We are useless against women arguing.” He said speaking pastime and only sober occasionally.
“No use comes out of it, seeking the truth that is.”
“Did she just lie to me?”
“Who’s to know?”
“You must buy me a dress.”
“Of course me dear.”
“Look arguing about what we are supposed to wear is not the right thing to be arguing about.”
“What is the point of behaving like it does not mean anything to the husband the wife being seen and sought round means he has to stay at home and be nice to her.”
“Exactly. But when did we get wed?”
“Such nonsense, of course we should.”
“Where are the husbands?”
“Mostly the husband is outside waiting for their wife to climb down from her ladder and make the dinner.”
“Mostly the wife’s had no husband that is why they asked for the Eastern clothes because then they can work in the work place without being bothered.”
“Most of the men in her workplace are filthy bastards.”
“Should we ask for segregation?” The rich want to be protected from us the poor. How delightful. But the rich need us and the poor need the rich because we feed on each other.
“Then the lesbians would take over.” All the rich are they into some sorry state of affairs. It is fashionable to be so.
“He had now a happy home life.” People cannot stop flattering him his head is turning and then it is turned. He cannot see anyone but her. You see when a woman from a rich background knows how to play the tunes all of them in a gig that makes her a musician.
“Although he already married but shoves off.” Then she changed her tune?
“Put a shovel in it.”
Look when a man marries what does it mean to the wife and the husband? More sex parties for the wife and the husband some contentment at home. I am now howling that they did marry that I was cast aside and that he never wanted me like he wanted her. So what is the problem she comes and tries to sell me to all her friends and family in the hospitals wherever I go she follows me and does this of course she is a woman of many friends.
“So why go to the hospital?”
“You see it is imperative because I have a diagnosis.”
“What is that?”
“I am a bipolar, schizophrenia.”
“What does that mean?”
“Not sex parties at the mental hospitals.”
“You see to see me they must have paid money or was she doing them a favour or was it a joke so that they could improve their love lives on the mad woman or the mad people who are these doctors they say plainly they are doctors but once in there is no way to find out which is who.
I was always told that sex was filthy and dirty and only dirty people did it. In their back gardens or when they had the windows opened and everyone saw what they were doing. The thing was a delight to them to see others coupling with their own. But it did not occur to me that my own self would want to do it too? I was most upset when told that we all had to do it in order to create babies.
“Babies come out from that?”
“Yes of course they do.”
What a mean thing that I was the result of such a beastly act. The sex act meant that my parents had actually done the deed in order to produce me the result of many definitions of many times of sex. I did not want to do it dirty things.
“Check it out honey.”
“Your parents had sex.” Said a girl and I beat the hell out of her then she said it is the truth. I am telling you the truth. I knew than that she had told me the honest truth that the grownups had said were the lies. But why should my parents had lied to me knowing how it would affect me this was the beginning of my quest to find out who and what they were.
“Why should my parents lie to me?”
“Why did she lie with my father if she did not like him and said he was a bastard and a bad husband? Now she drooling my husband?
and why they did things. It turned out to be a disaster because they did not come out well at all. Why because human frailty is such that the sins of the mothers are now as great as the fathers so they come to haunt us all. What did happen?
“There is nothing else on your mind but sex?”
“Men have periods Miss.” I was a big girl of 12 and I still thought that all the class laughed out loud so embarrassed. You know it was because he had something wrong with him don’t you?
“What makes you think that?”
“Blood on the pants of pa.”
“There is no such thing and I will explain this to you as the class is more advanced than you are. Stay behind.”
I fried after that. The class said I was not to their liking and they did not want to know such a backward child as I was. I was left alone and bullied. You see whatever I did they would break or close down or molest. Terror reigned. The teachers did not want to know they did not care. I wore my own clothes for six days and then was reported to the head office went and they said quiet why are you wearing your own clothes?
“Please Miss forgot it is a school.”
“Are you insane?”
I never learnt anything else after that there was nothing else to be done with me they gave up on me. Wherever I went they closed classes they shut me out they did not start late they started early they made me the brunt of jokes and it was all her fault there was no teaching staff backing me. You see I cannot do mathematics so for two years they made me do mathematics I cannot do needlework they made me do that. I could do science they said no. I could do art I refused to start that one before I learnt some core subject I was not an imbecile I was disadvantaged.
I was learning to be a mad person.
“No there is the truth of the matter I just wanted to be left alone and then the injections begin.”
You see this is the way to do it within the other room there is some loser hiding and then the laughter as I am leaving.
“You see sex parties at the hospitals.”
“In the mental psychiatry wards in there all the time but mostly because they beaver away at the hospitals. Jim Savills like these monsters did exist they did and Jim was the cover up not the real one. You see paedophiles work in packs like animals out on a hunt so who were his hunting partners? Because sometimes they have to hide the truth from the outside world otherwise they are caught. He was the decoy but then who is doing the rounds in the hospitals now of course Jim is dead. Long live the cure and all is well with the world. But is it so who has taken over the abuse? Because human nature is still human nature is it not and the sex crime will not stop we will always be there to take part in the carnage because that is why they do have abuse because we do think it is over and done with.
“Because that is how it is in the old days it was watching the patients naked for a half a shilling now they come and have a whirl of a time on the house and watch as someone slowly becomes mad.” We all love a joke and sexual innuendoes do not us?
“It is like watching a film.”
“It is indeed.”
“The thing was the radio star was killed by the video star.”
“You start to bore me.”
Life is about this and the other for certainty I do not know because it is things happen to me that should never happen to people.
“Look it is that simple the thing is when a woman loves two men the one who pleases her comes first.”
“But someone would have noticed.”
“The hallway was dark and there was nothing to share this information with there was all sorts going in on that place then the madness sets in.”
“Who went mad?”
“Fiddle went mad first then we all followed.”
“No way it is a he could have been mad already?”
“He went mad because his living was bad.”!
“Who went after him?”
“He was a bad dad.”
“The policeman got him we wanted him back the policeman said we were given money but mummy gave it all to Abdul.”
“Now don’t shrug just because?”
“She got that glint from him and said if we starved so what?”
So Fiddle had to come back at least he did not starve us he only was not right in the head.
“Look I gave them food all the time she is lying to impress or to embarrass me.”
“Fiddle not likely to burn my arm and have the audacity to do it without much thought he knew but did not tell mummy.”
“But Fiddle was what?”
“Mad but this Abdul was madder most strange is it not?”
He enjoyed his night with mummy and went away the next day leaving mum to deal with me screaming in pain. My whole arm could have been amputated don’t you understand first the drier than that it is not a coincidence.
“That is abuse.” Said the nurses, “If it came a week later we could have had her?”
I hate nurses. “But luckily this ointment will cure her and she will be okay in about a week.”
Does it explain my cold shouldering the man in the novel? Does it make it more or less nasty that my growing up led me into such a place as when I found myself in some haste and trepidation? You see sex is dirty and you are a deed the result of it all the ultimate sin the ultimate fiend we will fry you the moment you become sexually active.
“My arm does not hurt anymore mummy.”
“What is that about?”
“They meant to have me as rounders.”
“Like a what?”
“Pass the parcel.”
“What is the parcel?”
“I am the parcel.”
“And this is allowed?”
“Look in England nobody interferes in your life it is not a police state.”
“What is in it for them?”
“I am in it for them.”
“I am somehow someone they could not buy so they are going to make me do actions instead.”
“Love is a strange and terrible wound.”
“Sex good for nothing without any contraceptives one should just leave it alone.”
“Foolish things are words and this is my worst ever nightmare.”
“Go to bed.”
“I am sat in front of my computer writing my life story.”
“Go to bed never to get up again.”
“I am not that tired.”
“We had to pay for the things you never did.” Said my siblings to me as if I was to blame for their doings.
“With what boys with boys why it if that do is not pleasing?”
“But it is.”
“Pass it around.”
“Dad, where is dad what the hell is dad doing why does he not interfere with it all?”
“Because he no longer believes he is the dad.”
“No longer when did he have a change of heart?”
“You all must go and have a blood test to make me see that you are all mine.” He said to us quite seriously.
“We will not we respect ma and we resent that.” Said B and I in one breathe. Z went immediately and she said he her pa.
Dad her father made her madder than us no she was now in the fullness of herself able to control her own surroundings. It is my dad he should pay for everything. He should do this for me as I am his. I am able to see the situation then dad did not insist we were able to take care of him but my sister Z was to be taken care of because of that we were semi slaves in our own house.
I sat miserable how to undo what Z had done if it was not true what would happen to me I would be without a home. I was not going to find out and if it was the truth and I was not his daughter what should be the reasonable precaution I would have to move out and be a leaf like person without roots without anything wandering lost forever.
“I wanted to know I asked not to know.”
“Well come along.”
“That is why we are coming along that is why we are sat here in this little room littered with lack of paint derelict and part exchanged.”
“The furniture is a bit old.”
“I am too.”
It was Valentine’s day it is Valentine’s day again and again many couples are saying or re-saying their vows and it is a happy times for lovers everywhere around the world. Mostly not me I am a happier personality than I used to be but never again the lime and the roses and the naive contentment. That is all in the past when a man does what he did to me he is a man on parole and if he does it again he goes. He never does but he might he might never come again to me and he might never do it again but he might there is now turning back what I gave him and what for? What for what did I get out of it? He got out of it everything what did I get out of it?
Nothing more than dirty sheets and dirty plates, my darling yes it is coffee time and yes it is. Let me paraphrase that it is not the end of the world to waste one’s life on art and literature as long as you enjoy the rides as well it goes the same way with man if you enjoyed your life with the man then it is alright the end or the mid life crisis does not hurt but if there is nothing but abuse while he does the rounds you want to hurt him you must hurt him.
“It is the worse ride we are going to have.”
“Is it because he no longer is young?”
“I was sheltered a virgin and hid behind him now he is the adversary with the parents indoors having a giggle.”
“He does not see?”
“He does not hear?”
“I can hear them giggling at me laughing that I have left it such a late hour.”
“Why is it important that anyone laughs at you?”
“They are all laughing at me as they attack and attack with themselves their shagging and their debauchery and their lechery.”
The captain has abandoned ship or is now making the tea and the world has become into this sewer of the tip I left the ship to have a little wander and the man who had come to take me was already shagging someone else when he saw how my hair had gone he left me and went to shag this beauty which had the dancing uniform on. She laughed out loud in triumph at him and they mated and mated like their desire was so tormented and real that they overjoyed at seeking their true being. The beast in the night is nothing to the beasts by day.
“I thought he was going to kill her.” Mother said and I was silent for a moment as if the sky was forming formations. But she then left me and I thought she had not said it the words I mean where mother was and did she really climb those stairs and say the words? I thought if that was true what was up really with this couple. I had no idea but had read Othello and if Othello had seen his mate mating in the sea what would he have done? Well just for the sake of it this was going to happen to this couple who had been stalking me for some time what if? Would I care would it mean anything? The thing was impossible to reason with it was too complicated to state my case I was a former cast off of his and now he was having these thoughts about the whole thing. I went for him his behind just to see what was happening to him and his thoughts he would not let me in he just jumped into the sea. He came out looking like himself it had somehow refreshed him and he looked so healthy and well that he was more alive than anyone else.
“Why are you saying these things and to me child?” the worst thing in this world is to think one knows the answers to every question.
“We are just talking are we not?” I reply.
“I mean why are you telling me these facts about your disastrous life and holidays?” Who is that speaking to me is it me or this other kindly person who is speaking to me? Oh God there is nobody now talking to me at all.
“My life it is not my life at all.”
“But it is?”
“Yes I am sure you might think so but my life is more than a mere holiday mood.”
“But it is not?”
“The fact is I was bored most of my life I was a pain and that holiday mattered to me because it surpassed myself it expanded my own full stop.”
“How is it a holiday changed that?”
“Because it mattered to me all the people as if their consumption of themselves and each other meant they had reached a pit of no return and they were people one did not want their sender to have back they were rich and sophisticated but they were boring.”
“How come it got to be so bad?”
“They had used each other up.”
“The captain as I said had left the ship and was now making the tea when the women threw off their bikini’s and began to swim and tossed their hair at their men and said it did not should not bother them if they went naked into the water as nobody could see the naked flesh as they were being submerged in water. The man hung his head to one side then agreed. I felt he had thrashed himself a bit but did not want to know the reason why I should feel anything for him.”
“The captain is in chains I thought and somehow did not fear anything anymore because now the women were the captains of the ship.”
“Our captain was now distraught with a wife he could not handle?”
“So what happened to the ship?”
“Oh it had engine trouble we got marooned the captain went mad and called an engineer he could not do anything about it needed parts he blamed me said it was the worst thing he had took my name made a mark on it and said never again. The thing was did not wish ill of the man but he was a man running a bonking ship. In Turkey they have a two world system, traditional and the modern but now they have mixed them up.
We have now the traditional woman: the Civil worldly who when they come with their elegance and wit, charm with their own reality wives who stay at home and look after the kids. Life is a bastard it is indeed because it throws shit at one all the time as if the things which mean something. The husband must earn his living and the wife indoors is looking after the kids and he gets eroded over time. Because more and more wives are finding that they are beaten by the career rival their rival is the career woman.
Did they break the law? Does it matter they had their joke. England is one of the masters of jokes and they have destroyed me for a fact now I am old and used up. The ship was odd now there is nothing else on my mind but this grieving. I can’t stop grieving there are too many years to leave behind and forgive and forget.
The oddness is it is allowed. She took my man from me hey make allowance for having the bitch on heat and the wife indoors looking after the parents. Oh a man is allowed to do all this because he is a man it is only his potency we should care for. But life is not simple is it? In today’s society where everything is confused and unclean there is this tangled web of lies to contain with.
One is the man and some women are allowed to party all the time and the other is the wife stays in the staid and sensible position. We are all discussing a sensitive issue here. Well it is very sensible to discuss it before we all believe the mayhem in this world is when we want to eat our cake and to have our cake at the same time. The politicians have created a rogue society a social despotic disorder of the mind which has seen the world as it is. In order to hide facts from the real world we have learnt to disguise the truth. Factual evidence under the microscope for me was when I went deeply into this subject of what and who it was doing what to whom. You see it is that we are not getting any younger so why are the people doing this and the other to each other.
“We must all have our jokes.”
“Wherever the joke will lead us to we will go.”
“Now you spoilt the novel.”
“We were enjoying it so much.”
“Yes we had been.”
“I am sorry. I will get back to you all with some fresh individual expert advice.”
Well what is it in there for me? I am spent I am spent now no kindliness left in me this fried up dried up woman without anywhere to go. We are now on a holiday when in doubt the modern people go on a holiday a change of scene to make their waves better. The better to see the world with.
So when the politicians are hiding facts as well we get a complex world of things which leaves us very complicated urbanised societies to deal with then we have wars to purge it. The wards are full of people like you. I know they are it is full of people who want to kick the glass doors the fish bowls and all that sort of thing.
“When did this begin?” said the nurse in some haste.
“It began it began in the beginning.”
“You are not telling me things you are not sharing with me.”
“There is nothing to share.”
“Look what is the meaning about your illness?”
“I cannot be left alone.”
“When I am incarcerated I am on suicide watch when at home I am left with so much drugs it can kill me.”
“That shows they trust you.”
“In hospital I want to sleep.”
“And every fifteen minutes there it is a light flashing to see me and making me startled and awake makes me mad as a ..”
“You said it.”
“I had to jump for them to see me awake they satisfied went afterwards. That is torture.”
I was not a wife but felt in a staid post and that meant he was eating away at us the person we are and that meant he loved her more than me. So I left him that day I fled in my mind I had taken no more responsibility for his actions he had become uncouth enough to do such a deed that meant he could do so without me. A man does not do such a thing in front of me his fucked up friend. He was essentially destroying himself as well as me. He saw it but he could not leave the witch alone he could not his hands were tied. He said so he saw what she was doing in the sea laughing while she did it but he was what is known as a hen picked husband in reality. Mother said here there goes the cuckold. She is less kind to people like that than I.
“Look what was done cannot be undone.”
“I am now sane?”
“The insanity is there to stay.”
“I am not a well woman.”
“You will never be well.”
“The thing is the social security people don’t think so.”
“There is every reason to think them mad at you.”
“Yes they are paying for me to write this novel.”
“It is with the tax-payers money.”
“Look I saved lives I brought the children up not only the niece and the nephews but the sisters as well as well I helped save lives by reuniting reason to the parents who now sadly want my blood for it.”
“For saving them from harming their own children with them weapons used in times gone the formal traditions?”
“What is wrong with a bit of tradition?”
“It is wrong.”
“What you think you know better?”
“I need to think about that sorry what did you ask me?”
“The children did not turn out the way they wanted them to.”
“One became a doctor the other University lecturer and this made them mad as anything.”
“Are they mad?”
“I hope so.”
So we went on this holiday it was a hot late august and the atmosphere was less tense because Fiddle had died and we were on this lovely holiday. Fiddle had died and finally we were free from caring for him or mother said so but she just did not could not leave it alone; you see having this on her mind on how a widow must behave she did not could not understand. I could not know how little we missed dad. I mean how did it mean to me having had his presence for forty odd years nothing? Not much in fact he had passed away as if nothing left not much remarkable things behind and not even a seat not even a room he just seem to have passed out of our lives. His clothes we had thrown out and everything even the money he left had been spent. You see we were sat there thinking and me having this nagging feeling that there was somehow this and that wrong with the entire situation and I did not want to let myself down by not interfering. I am an interfering busy body and mother seemed to be thinking the same thing too.
You see she wanted to be with Abdul and if I was there and she could not pretend anymore she would lose some sort of reputation. You see it is this sin it is a sin when it starts it happens that to be cloaked behind society is better she had her reasons she did not want to be attacked. There would be somehow something odd about her. She did not want to stand out. She wanted to remain with her name intact and then mate wit Abdul at the same time? Yes that is the sum total of it.
I think she is not a crook is she?
Not the normal crook she thinks about the whole situation it is interesting is it not that she can swindle me out of money out of my life and still be called sincere. Of course she is a crook but she does it with finesse and being nice all the time she has this nasty habit of taking everything not giving much and then trying to appeal to the sympathies I gave away my leg did not her? Of course she had to hide something more sinister.
My man call him Peter and his marriage now the same as my father’s had been. Peter did not have a choice but he did his wife a powerful lady who was always laughing call her Mary and she was a merry as she laughed and laughed till she cried herself into some sort of shaken sobs. Zeks saw them, watched them and knew what she had to do to destroy him. The fear in my heart intensified.
His remarkable marriage she was working it out aloud somehow very stills the stillness her stillness making me nervy. She saw that I was suffering too. She had an idea and I had one simultaneously. The thing was mother can be a cruel woman she knows how to say things which might lead to murder so I made a show a game of it. I had her drink her tea and as we sat it out drinking our tea his mood became calmer. You see his Mary was doing something she should not have been. I am a jerk a jester what I’m I is not the point the whole point is or was it got us through the day in some sort of calm it was no use crying over split milk. We knew his marriage was over because she could not keep her pants up.
“Our captain was not dead but he was not well?”
“No our captain was totally clueless.”
“He had become like Samson blinded by sex.”
“He was like Samson and Delilah and he was the one portrayed as the victim?” Look when a wife says the words to forsake others what does it mean that she can be laid as often as possible and then do as she likes when it suits her? The thing was she had a healthy sexual appetite and they had to try various forms of lovers in order to make their mating special. It was called the specials or something was it not what kind of gravy do you want on your desert or dinner?
“What is that about the food allegory?”
“It is something I picked up from various selfish reading to believe in the allegory because the sexual appetite we all have it because it is there we are after all part animal part human but when we do not care about anything but the self that matters to us all.”
“That makes the species die out?”
“But too much concerns to do the same thing?”
“There has to be a mean to all this?”
“Too many means?”
“Meaningful becomes meaningless when lovers escape to other climates and climb to bed with others wife swapping never works.”
“Wife swapping does not work.”
“Group sex does not make sense.”
“What about having a mistress?”
“Well what about having a lover?”
“The thing is women are now equal.”
“Sorry we meant to do some good and have sewn it off and ripped it off.”
“Self is far more important than anyone else?”
“But you do not try to destroy your own husband for the whole world.”
“You were jealous?” I felt cornered and had begun to drink more tea.
“Say concerned. I too liked him I loved him in my former life and he was still there like my own true self but he was not without his kick.”
“There he went again to the sea coming out again this time with his loving wife.”
She was giggling nervously. I wondered whom he caught her out with this time she had this serious expression on her face saying she had behaved more badly than usual.
“He kept on saying where your pants and what are in hell were you doing out there?” He looked odd because he the more handsome of course but he seemed to have lost his cool and she was behaving as if she had his attention like a brat gone wrong and they were making loving scenes as if on their first day of honeymoon which I mistook them on. But no they had been married more than thirty years.
“So you mean?”
“They still looked youthful.”
“So you were snooping?”
“That is what a middle aged woman does my dear she snoops.”
“I was over him. I thought when he went again and came out with her I did not think I was able to bear it anymore. The longer I stayed in there with that he would be able to become my lover so I left them to it. I started to go round the whole little island and there was as the captain said nothing there. I wandered round the deck searching for something. I had a disobliging go away with a go away repeated when a man was doing two women girls who were laughing too in the same manner as the woman down by the sea that were both called Mary I gathered.
“My name is Mary too.” Called out someone they were all hailing down Mary’s I thought.
Oh Mary one and then oh Mary two. Number three was the wife of the shagged out male. The boar with the sore head or something but he did not know it somehow I was going to make it right somehow I had to because time had run out like the sand in the hour glass time.
I thought time for us would be running out at remarkable speed soon. This insight came too late thought I. Too late it was never too late was it? How could it be late in the day or night or hour why was it late? I did not want to run I can never run did not think my blood would allow it to. But I was remarkably quick walker.
But the thing was fun and games he then got up and said if he wanted snoopers he would go home to his wife. People are so rude you know. Two men came over and gallantly offered their services but I said mother would do the works as she had more money. This brought me to reason so I went below deck.”
“Do not say such things about your mother.” Someone said in a quiet manner. I was not sure where that came from. Who said it? There was a member of our family on board ship? That matters in a Turkish society because if a family member sees one doing the shags in public with a dozen men that makes them legally obliged to exterminate you. Other than that you are okay? Yes you can do anything else you care to do.
There is a pause as we drunk some tea in the living room which is where this discussion is taking place with a man I have come to know as my nurse. He clears his throat and asks another question, “How does it make you feel?”
“That is a short word for what did happen?”
“But it was hurt that I had spent my whole life in dreaming then when I finally woke up I was over the hill did not have anyone or anything.”
“But you do you have this place?”
“Yes it is a place derelict as well as my heart.”
“I was too consumed by the sun in my face to notice the tears the gaps the little things which people said did not matter anymore I asked for nothing more than to seek the truth. Why were we there in all places? What brought us people together time and time again as if we were magnets to them?”
“Were the couple stalking you?”
“They seemed to be amiable gifted people I do not know.”
“You are not being frank with us?”
“I am trying to be as frank as it is possible but I felt something for the guy you see I felt something for him.”
“Was it pity or love?”
“I think it was tenderness.”
“In what way was it tenderness?”
“I am thinking it was not as simple as that.”
“Is there more to this improbable story?”
“At the holiday resort which most of the thinking took place?”
“No the story so far.”
“Is it not an idiotic story that when someone begins a tall tale it never should be asked if there is a substance of truth in it?”
“But I sense deep feeling of anguish and anger?”
“Of course there was.”
“In fact is?”
“Look doctor stop patronising me.”
“I am not a doctor!”
“Of course everyone is.”
“How many of us are here?”
“The devil multiples does not he or she?”
“We want more tea.” Said mother to me unkindly. I went and explained to the steward who mutinously made the tea and then we began to see and talk. Throwing her to the seas is too good for her the steward said mutiny on his brain. If it was not for his bread and butter he would not do so. But the captain said some words and he calmed down. We got dry again as it was a hot day you see. We both do not drink by choice. I because it makes me do things like hurt and mutilate emotionally people I hate I say the things in my head which they dislike to hear about. It was not a good time to drink because I wanted to hurt mother. I just thought that she having a holiday when father had just passed away was in poor taste.
Mother sat just so with a table in front of her forming me as the villain I did not mind then I said I was going down for a bit of a wander round and then did.
“Should we have lost the money it was all paid for and look we are having a good time. “she said out loud. She just did not understand she just was useless at that sort of thing. I thought what a holiday is for but the thing was not nice it was not right. Why did we come to this place in the first place two aging women with nowhere to put them in?
“Go for a walk.” She said to me as nicely as possible, but should not widows grieve or something. But I went for the walk.
When I was outside in the stopover which was less than the time they said it would take I was blown over by the scenery it was truly wonderful to see the little shops and the town as if in front of the sea in a haphazard manner. The stalls seemed to be within the sea and the wave’s flaps towards but never reached the market stalls. When the wind blew there was this summer heat as if the whole thing was so much one of commerce and intake and flux. The fluctuations of the fortunes of the market-stalls were that they earned more than the shop keepers said the shop keepers they came and left with their pockets filled and the shop keepers had to clear the mess up afterwards no use going to the council.
I must have said something because I had thought of ice cream vans and how they made a lot of money in London and never paid anything like road tax or anything.
“No it is not the truth. You have got it wrong robbing us out of our business.”
“Some people they were here in this holiday with me?”
“They travel the world doing business wherever they can.”
Someone said nothing say nothing.
The thing was magical because it was as if they had mushroomed with the talking shopkeepers as if the whole influx of life was that no planning permission had been made. Some of the little make shift things were actually in the water. There were market places just on the edge of the water marking themselves as traders. Then there were the real shops which looked richer and wealthier but having less vocals as if they did business on the quiet and sly.
“You sell junk.”
“You sell your own junk.” Said the market man to the shop keeper.
I did not know what the argument was about it meant more to the shop keeper he went inside sadly and did not hear the woman asking what was in his window. Then he got so busy I thought it mad.
The shops were at the edge of the harbour thereby attracting less cliental. They wrung their hands in despairs they paid the taxes and these little farts did the business and because they lived on the sea they were not taxed. They would see a customer nod and wander indoors as if to say you do not interest me at all. The thing was as if topsy-turvy as if the whole of the sea would cascade in and there was this warmth about the whole thing. Yet they were looking forward when they could have their homes back again because the tourist they said was filthy. I do not think they meant cleanliness or any such thing. That was how the market stalls paid off their parking fees I thought it very well done indeed.
“That is most unkind?”
“But you see most know if one has money or not. That is why they got their shiny exterior that is what I overheard anyway. That has no money no use bothering our card game over that. Too old to attract a rich mate and too young to be wealthy so leave her to the market traders. The market traders tried their best which I did not share with them the reason I was wandering about was that I did not have much money at all. So they too lost interest and I went to the birds to see if they would be into my company.
I was brooding and whether to buy anything I had been there for some minutes when some tourist arrived from the ship and spoilt my day or joke or what you might call it. She called this hat looks great I want it. The market people were overjoyed with that purchase. I was about to speak when the market men and women lost interest in me totally. The thing was good was it not? Love triangles do things to people but never has there been a woman a wife who stalked another woman because she could not get into bed with that woman.”
“Look it is not true?”
“As true as I am sitting here.”
I went and saw a bit and feed the birds with my stale delicacy which some woman said she had just baked or fried and it was awful. The woman was sat in some dignity of dirt and squalor at first I thought she was a beggar. But she handled her rolling pin with something called competence and if I had not been warned about the germ warfare there might have been one sick person. They had in these touristy parts nothing called hygiene. Nothing like professional conduct it is as if they want your money then when they have it the service is minimal. It is not much to speak about I might have eaten the whole stale thing. So that is the reason I fed it to the birds.
Later a whole lot of birds dropped from the sky they had never seen anything like it and they thought the sea was contaminated. The sea they had just swum in and the captain was looking out of sorts because of it. I did not tell him but he cheered up momentarily and did not ask. I must have looked a trifle guilty the birds were innocent were they not? I meant not to kill anyone of them.
Then the images formed in formations in my mind like dancers coming to and doing their dance and when they finish another couple take over as if they are in formations forever swirling their partners and if there are three partners what happens then? Then it backfires. Just like them birds just like the birds dying because of the stale bread.
Birds began to drop dead or something was dropping which looked like them birds which I had fed.
“What matters is you were not robbed?” said mother to me. I looked at her for a moment. There is no point at speaking I thought but for the first time I had to speak to her.
“No I did not spend any money which distressed me.”
I was still within the walkabout I said and this distressed me most that my money meant little to these creatures.
It was as if the whole place had woken up to the fact that my money meant nothing and this upset me. I felt it as hostile area which made me keep near the harbour.
It looked like a circus tent at first sight and the animals were the people making love. The thing was when I went inside they had the old fashioned things in the tea things which looked like brass and the mats cushions and the whole decor was the Ottoman empire of sorts. But done very cheaply. I thought they were playing at something did not like the atmosphere of course I did never been to such a place before but the man thought I had come for sex.
Then of course I had seen the tent before so went back to see it again and wanted to know what it was and the meaning for such a splendid romantic place like in the Arabian Nights or something? I dreaded the moment that the tent must have been a figment, but found more than that the thing was real, the tent was real, and there had been real people coming and leaving. As if the tent was a hive or something. I wanted to see what it all meant and what happiness when I went and saw what the reality was much of the same as on ship.
A man was in the tent with the woman which they said as the most wonderful tent ever. I was not seeing things straight when the man saw me he just laughed and went away to her. I was not angry I was just shocked to be laughed at when there had been such a high demand for me before. I just stood in the lobby of the seating arrangement and wanted to know how much it cost to sit on the chair. The waiter had gone off. And I had been sat still for some minutes which are when I said things to myself things which said sober up make something of you. The things that mean anything are not here they are never going to be here.
Meaningless laughter brought me back and they were making orgasm and I had less time than I knew so I looked out for the waiter and he was just bringing over the hash the hash which would send me to some dazed sleep when I left it. They come in bottles and they are like pipes and you smoke them and they make you come and come or send you to the forever land. Dad got done by that he had a drug addiction because of that. He was banned from every cafe because the moment he took hash he would go insane. I left I just left the thing was being a good listener I did not want that sort of thing that was not tea.
“What is this one for?”
The man said, “Drink as much as you like. I think I must have asked for the wrong drink I asked for tea. “Tea damn it, this is the wrong drink.”
He went back to the kitchen again looking tail between his legs but I knew that walk he was going to dope me anyway so what did happen? I made him do the tea I stayed as long as possible but no I said it did not arrive in time because the boat had already done its gong. The signal became a curse tell that accursed girl who and what we do she does not seem to understand. As I was leaving the folly of doing such a thing struck me what did it all matter they were earning a living because it was a living as I was leaving I paid the tea not drunk and left. I heard the cutlery going mad. This is not necessary at all. He said and calmly turned his head away in some pride.
I was amused cheap experience I thought I wandered away and nearly fell on the cushions. If I had not been a waitress I would have broken something I thought then left in some haste.
Just outside some outside near the harbour there was a flock of birds when the sea had calmed me down and made me sober there was this feeling that somewhere this place would behave that something good would come of it but it reminded me so much of home what we did at home in the cafe. People struggling and making do with this and that and making just making end meet. I thought there must be something wrong with it all there was somehow nothing the matter with having a tent in such a huge size was there a sex tent? The boat tent was okay was it or the boat sex? What on earth would they think next to do for the tourists and when would there be repercussions I thought because it is a Muslim country when the beasts let down their hair they think about no tomorrows and that made me somehow worry.
When I had fed the birds they all swirled round and then did a high jump swirling in the sky. I felt so happy that some birds were free because it mattered that some of us should be free. Do you think I was already drugged it was a hot day it was so hot. I was consumed by something there was not enough man left and add to that there is confusions that I did not behaved well but like a gawky child.
Everyone said I was a spoil sport. What matters on holiday if one enjoys oneself and this was going to be an enjoyable holiday? I was not enjoying myself. I had a hell of a day even walking a yard meant there was some jerk about to sell something like drugs what we were doing there? And it was too hot I could not cool down it was just too hot.
I don’t know someone said kindly, “you are wearing too many clothes.”
Luckily I had been because had been undressed so many times that day as if they were trying to see my real figure and it did not please me at all. I did not look like a cabbage I was not that sort of fat.
“Well it is too late now is it not?” I answered back.
In the morning it had been cold and now it was boiling. The weather is not our problem we have the good sense to warn people the weather changes. It was the brochures fault saying we needed extra clothes.
“Bloody hell such a thing has not happened someone actually thought it would turn cold.”
“The woman has spoilt the journey.”
“Foul mouthed git.”
“A little spanking?”
“No we will make her drink more tea and say nothing.” Said the captain wisely so what did the captain see? I did not tip him you know. The thing was he was not asking to be tipped he just said if I ever went on another trip not to go on his ship. I thought I had been a delight but he seemed to think otherwise.
“I know it seemed like I have never known or seen a tent before? But it was the whole setting it looked so romantic all of it that is. It is unexplainable I cannot describe what it meant the reality the boredom lifted if only for a moment.”
“It is no use you must go to bed to calm down.”
“It is okay it is not nice anymore I have been followed to such an extent that I do not know what to do.”
“Just go to bed.”
“But I don’t want to be told what to do I am not a child.”
“But you are mad?”
“Oh yes that is correct.”
“It is going to be okay?”
“It never worked out.”
“Such a great person.”
“Him and her.”
“They sat together”?
“They had a child.”
“They had other things in common.”
“Then what happened.”
“I will tell it in a story so you might work out the meaning of being me and my odd behaviour.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I am going to tell you my story.”
“But you already have.”
“I am going to tell it to you so you understand better.”
“You know best.”
“Have you ever thought what the film Casablanca meant if there had been a child involved? I mean a woman turning out partners in seconds and equally happy with both the men? I am saying a kiss is just not a kiss for there is somehow not right is there? But the feeling is right so it must be right and when there is money involved there is no lack of fortitude which a woman cannot do to get her gaming man money. It is never easy when a wife is constantly crying and screaming and the husband has to go through electric shock in order to behave himself.”
“Whose husband went through electric shock it was not in the film?”
“No of course not it is in my father’s life he became violent towards mother he suspected her having intimacies in the yard at the back yard so he behaved very oddly smelling her and all that.”
“What did it mean?”
“She said she was not having an affair and he was mad.”
“It is all against me.” She said, “Because he has the money he can do anything with us.”
Meaning the children and herself she did not dissociate herself from us she thought her and us belonged in her marriage bed as well as in there protecting her against her husband.
“It is getting on your nerves?”
“Of course it is but I am trying to explain this to you when she begins to thoughtlessly put arsenic or sugar into his meals then he goes haywire.”
“He had 96% sugar in his system and I saved his life by cooking him meals which did for lowering his sugar level.”
“The hospital brought him home and he ate at home.”
“The nurse brought him to me as I am the oldest.”
“Mother had been in hospital with amputation she went to get amputated because she feared going to prison don’t you understand?”
“So she tried to kill him by giving him sugar?”
“Simplicity itself, it is lovely.”
“How could she have known?”
“She was a former nurse.”
“She did know as well because most of Cyprus is diabetic in the 1950’s because of them eating the sweet delicacies which are saturated with sugar. If you feed a diabetic sugar it is lethal.”
“Is it called Sweet killing?”
“Something likes that.”
“How could she always be there with him?”
“He moved in next door that are Abdul. The woman said he was her brother.”
“She did not have a brother.”
“How did he know this?”
“He knew her.”
“So when he moved in next door with his pants white mother was looking highly excited.”
“Indeed when I went and said about the brother of the widow next door she said not much but her eyes became green.”
“Yes when she is aroused they become green.”
“But she has dark eyes?”
“I know it goes darkest green I can’t describe it and she has this nasty expression on her face.”
“So what did happen?”
“I am trying to tell it to you these two are in love with each other they are as akin as anyone but they want to rule without working.”
“So you are saying they slowly kill the husband?”
“Yes but the thing took such a long time over the cause of years and he steadily got frailer and frailer as if they sucked him dry.”
“But they love each other?”
“Yes and he is very presentable and probable and likes to enjoy his hunting trips.”
“He does the hunting?”
“He is likable to a degree has a lot of interesting facts about his person and does not only knows when to leave but does so in style.”
“So when did he become Abdul?”
“Will you just listen patiently?”
“Of course I will.”
“You see he goes under different names first I knew him from the Red House as Ali and then he got into financial troubles because he used drugs. He sold drugs or something and he was raided. Later he goes to the South end and reappears as Mahmud.”
“But did not you recognise him?”
“Remember he was a former would be child star or actor and that is where it goes wrong because he can act when he wants to.”
“Well it is a tall tale.”
“Very long tale.”
“That makes it?”
“They do each other’s sweet swapping.”
“He must have followed him your dad that is?”
“Of course he is a good man for doing that he would follow money to the ends of the earth. He followed me for ages until I stopped going out then he moved in to the Mr.”
“Why tell me this part it is ugly?”
“Life is not only about beauty you know it is a mixture of this and the other.”
“But my dear.”
“It is a partnership of good and evil good and the bad.”!
“What does it matter to me what you all say when I state quite plainly and calmly that this society of giggling hags is not working and is driving us all round the bend.”
“To bed you are being rude.”!
“Look that is most rude than you know.”
“I want to medicate you please.”
“Because I am being rude is it the only reason I feel as if myself has been exposed to some hurt?”
“You can’t stop speaking can you?”
“Time is up.”
“I am not being paid for my time.”
“Time is up.”
So I tell myself the story before I forget.
I sit on the old sofa and retell my story to myself because his time is up.
When I was a child I knew as a child that the sexual act would make traps for a girl like me. Because nobody bothered to explain the facts about the whole thing there was the promiscuous sixties and there was I a child of the outraged Muslim society. What were the tensions in my thought was where I fit in because the thing was I did not fit in anywhere. I am not promiscuous but don’t behave as normal Muslim should do.
“What is a normal Muslim?”
“I don’t know.”
“There has been various women on television as normal and none of them makes sense to me because people are more complicated than on the voice mail asking for assistance or being assisted or behaving in a ludicrous manner of their science brain over heated; or the Indian writer writing her novels one a year. So some progress has been made? Look it is not easy it is never easy thinking. I needed the nurse to set me straight again.
You see the children do know that somehow it is to do with the sexual act but what they don’t understand is why and what for and if one is having a witness it is best to lead the witness on. You see to make the perfect mayhem one has to set the scene and make it the happiest one can. This is my mother Zeks.
Act one the husband and wife are married in a barn when the husband enraged by his wife being not a virtuous woman and harms himself by raping her and making her the object of ridicule. Now mother is a woman whose disposition is not one of anger she would say one thing and mean something totally different.
That is why it took me years to fathom what all this is about. Look take two lazy good for nothings who fall in love and then there is a motive they are both addicted to film. She thinks without a man being handsome he is nothing. A man down in there all the time because she is not a mere trifling she is filled with passion about the whole thing.
Then the man who has a secret past he tried and indicted for murder and only when the victim survives with a lot of money from his family accepted do they turn a blind eye otherwise he would have been hanged. This Abdul and the wife of the man who is Fiddle do not get along but she does with Abdul he is good to her. He and she do not want to work they want to live well but not to work as well not at the same time as everything is about routine. They just do not live like that. To be able to live well one has to have one’s own business and to matter in that busy world.
“I don’t matter.” Abdul said many times. He just does not mean to speak the truth about himself but he has and that makes it what? He is without a doubt a conman what does a conman do? He cons. He just does his job. From this bitterness I seek the reasons behind it all then I hear about talking therapies and psychiatry and that makes sense to me. You know because the foolish thing is when one seeks the truth one has to talk it through and be able to think in a relaxed manner that is how my leaning into madness began.
In Britain one is left alone. Nobody speaks to you unless you belong in some team or other and they have known you in some acts of wealth or you do something for charity. No one looks at us foreigners when the foreigner can act and behave as the other person one foreigner looks like another.
It is a fact is it not? We speak the same we are the same and what is a man to do when his wife has acting skills? When she studies and actors do react in the right way and why should he matter when she does not love him? She does not love him it is not his right to say to speak because he has behaved violently and wanted divorce. The divorce papers through the post and he is still having sexual relations with her. That is when she goes to the solicitors and signs his death warrant. She said no not on my death will I give him a divorce he is mad and he is shackled to me. Now the positions are reversed.
The divorce papers came through we then went to a solicitor and afterwards she and he sleep apart then he dies. That is the truth is it not? Well the thing was it did not happen overnight and have I said something about her and her rights as a woman? I have also answered your questions on what it meant to her to have a proper house in a right condition. What is the meaning of it all? There is no meaning in this that we all have to die sometime and the reason dad died was he had become a penniless husband because she slowly and surely blackmailed him. Made him hollow.
“You are sick.”
“I am indeed. But you know when a woman does marry it is to that man.”
“Not to someone else and to make this other man even if Fiddle the brunt of her sickness the brunt of her jokes to mark him to disable him and mate with someone like Abdul because he more amusing to her.”
“The post man never knocks twice.”
“But he did.”
“The husband died and they are now trying to dine together.”
“No not Zeks.”
This is Valentine’s day but it is not my day never my day it has always been her day, and it is nothing to do with me or us. I have never received a Valentine card from him. He was the most romantic man ever with that woman not with me. That is him with me, a slob sat down laughing away at the years as I drown in my sorrows. We both reason and well behaved as if two animals satiated with the dawn of a new period of our aging bodies and that is nothing to do with us crawling insane with the rages which has fagged us down and flagged us.
The eternities which might shadow one or the other one of us who is to fail me who is to fall what will happen to us when we are alone in this world without the light guiding us through?
“Birds have all died.”
“They would have killed me.”
I always suspected that if I ever did receive a card it would be the end of me with the fright as if that was not enough I suspect I would die from heart failure. Because my heart would go to the card and would be trapped in trying to fly inside it then out of it. She had not that fear in fact she enjoyed it implored the attentions which she got from the cards and the gifts and the serenades. I feel a flop about the whole show there is not much to thank life for but that some things one can avoid to avert disasters most unpleasant as me dying from want.
No I do not mean as in food wanting and wanting is not the same as wanting food to live in the shadow is to lead a life not normal. It is never the thing which would kill me but dying from gout is the reasonable precautions I do make for myself. You can die from gout? I think they did but not today. But I had a look and many a look still I am not dying from the gout but from the thirst bloody thirty now all the time.
“When on medication one is thirsty all the time.”
But the poor captain did not feel it as if it was an endearing quality did him? He said his day had begun not well and it got steadily worse and he looked at me in a way smiling. I was most understanding but it was my holiday he could have his day on his own holiday.
This is a Valentine from me to him what does it mean when a man does not send his woman a Valentine? He does not love her that is what it means and it does me nothing more than this moan about the man who had me loved me and did not bother to marry me. He is not here now sharing those gifts of valentine with me and him. Not enough reasonable doubting his love for me he does not have any love all he thinks about is her. There is nothing the matter with it some people are just not romantically inclined with others they are and there is nothing with human nature he would have fallen for me into the ground if he had behaved daft as he did with her.
“Don’t be daft.”
“Don’t be daft?” He would have asked jealous rage in his black eyes.
There is in everything the meaningless the meaningful and then the lacking. What does it matter when we lack the words to speak to each other what we feel? I think that Valentine is a tool to say to speak to one another what there is or supposedly would or could be. But there is nothing there-here and more there is not much left of him let him out let him out? Somehow she seems to know everything but that what matters.
“Sunstroke that is what it is.”
“I am letting him to my friends he is no use to me.” She said to me to me and only to me what a bitter end to such a loving relationship as he and she had had. I thanked God that I was not her. I thought not becoming her was a selfish act of mine. I was never going to be her.
“Was it selfish of me?”
“Selfish everyone is selfish in the end.”
“Why is it that you are confusing the whole thing hangs in the balance is you were jealous?”
“Bitterly jealous I became lost in emotion for that is what it meant being in a sea shore of emotional upheaval.”
“I do not want to.”
“But try it out it might start the healing process.”
“No it won’t.”
“Then I go reliving in my mind.
“Valentine?” he persisted.
“That film when thirteen mafia dies they go to have their cake and then what happens is they are fired down gunned down.”
“Yes it is that shooting the Cagney film.”
“No it is not.”
“But this is nasty of you to speak of such things.”
“I am a what?”
“I am sorry.”
“I see things the future.”
“I see. Has your medication been increased lately?”
“That might be it.”
“I had thought of decreasing it.”
“I thought about asking you to increase it.”
“Let us keep it as now.”
Valentine is a tool, much to my sorrow it did not bring any luck to me the tool did not get used and it was left to another to say the words to each of one another. He to her and she to him and they did it so well they believed it too.
“Love and more love.”
If one recites the Lord’s prayer every day forever than God is believed and blessings are restored eventually even the unbelievers believe. In our church she did not recite the lord’s prayer did not even speak to the lord why not? I had just come from Cyprus and mother said to pray in Church would make me go straight to hell.
Let us say the lord’s prayer and the status quo is a bit like that someone said to continue with me as I would be claimed down and calmed. Sobered up eventually my beliefs in my childhood Gods would be mere trivia and nothing but the Lord’s-prayer would stay in my mind. Is that a form of brain washing I thought or something like it? I would go straight to hell because I was into all sorts I was a bad that is what I was. I do not know because me thinking that as a child would mean experience and me thinking that is not expert but know how through the daily life which is television.
“Give us our daily bread which is what we want.”
What is fact and what is fiction is a mere plaything of the thoughtless society of today because we do not know we do not mean to find out unless scientist and then that only if someone paid us to and not many people want to know what is the truth and bad lies and all that all we think about today is the end produce and that is after many years when it is served cold and chillingly we do not care we have no emotional impact or sympathy for all the deeds done this year. What is the worst thing but the things in oneself in one’s own life the others are all outside as if they disappear like bubbles? The longer the television is blasting away the less sympathy one has to all that.
There is not that much better? I practised indifference it did not give me any peace of mind at all it made me less of someone it mattered to me more my memory does not fail me believe you me I suffered so much my hair went whiter than a sheet. I am turning into this villainous of a writer who speaks and goes back and forth trying to assess her own damages against the time.
Look so my hair went white at 32 and that is a bit young but that makes me sad creature and there was I belonging to that state of a wife left behind while the man husband fled the scene and leapt into her arms to party and party more to fondle to kiss and make merriment before time on earth became extinct.
Love is cruelty and there it is. I am too vain now to think myself. I was not the one blameless of course. I was as much to blame as any woman I went and narrowly slept with someone else. He was so unattractive. Even as we were doing the deeds which might have been sex my arousal was one of self righteous indignation. Because he was doing that to me and he felt and I felt pleasure as we did it. You see I was a teenager and this meant it did not matter I had bags of time to apologise in time this would heal me, he was already with fornications. To the love interest but what I did see which he did not was there was Abdul in the background too following me and having his look out on his property.
Because of that night my intended went and got into bed and married her. No he was not on the rebound for them it was the right time to be married to each other and not to me. I cried silently.
One does become odder than anyone else. Of course because if one did not one is a doll hello there dolls living it up? But what does it matter when he did it with her and not me? Because the thing is when with her he is this great deal and many women were after his sexually motivated deals. Hi girls he is great shag and is loaded. When he became unwell he was flown into the shit hole and madder than ever left to die alone. His loving wife did that to him? Yes to make matters worse she left their house in such a state it became a death trap.
Then they left his side leaving me with him. His soul mate his love and now he is fearful that I would mate with another is he mad? That I am no longer young does not occur to neither of us that we spent our life together mad with each other that we both fear to sleep on our own. This is Valentine’s day and the day when love is told and sold over and over again. This new religion when love can do anything and one can be with anyone.
This trying to con the world that the past is imperfection and now it is perfect to us and we get better and better this is the best deal. But do we have the best deal over age of forty.
He does not give me Valentine messages he does not speak the words the worst of it all is he does not respond to me with anything but this complaint. That he should be with his mates. Pub crawling and adding to the literary lies told about society today. It is over for me too. You see I am becoming like dad. I am becoming like him his condition and all his sorrows are now mine his tears are mine this never ending hurt is now mine.
Somehow something has hurt me right in the middle of me. The centre and it is there sticking out there is nothing the matter with me is there the singing and the dancing is almost over for us both. He has now sat in that chair churning out speeches and done his bit for me. I am grateful I did say I am grateful but inside me something has died. That never ends never seeming love which I had that hope has died. I am hollowed out like a shell and there is nothing but the gush of terrified tears.
“He has betrayed me.”
“He had to in order to survive the survival of the fittest and in this world when dog eat dog that is what humanity must do.”
“He had to survive his child had to survive without its daddy it would not have survived.”
“Humanity now down on its last legs and no time for the weak and the ill or the abused there is no time for anyone at all. He did not stop to listen to me.”
“I am listening all the time just wanted a break.”
“You mean a holiday?”
“None whatsoever we must all go under or swim.”
“Well I never learnt how to swim.”
“I go to the sink and stay washing the dishes and washing and washing.”
“Life is not a bed of roses and how dare you think yourself special?”
It is all a beastly lie all of it none of it makes sense otherwise this beastly lies makes me the shamefaced teller of the truth when a woman like myself tells and tells someone somewhere must listen to the facts today we have a society of women who are without jobs by the time they reach sixty and no one cares for these women. We were once the career women and did things for others not now we are a burden done in by the social inability of the ladder.
Because they were the career wives and did not mate till they dropped they were the ones who are now surplus. Kill the lot? They can starve. And did we matter than what do they make now? Self employed small business bustling away because of women like me women like us. What happens if they no longer able to be self employed? They go out of business.
“When you lose your looks you cease to matter.”
“That is the truth and without diamonds that is the crux of the matter.”
Where is the care in this society what do humans mean to each other? Hurry up and more hurry up romance going okay? I have only time for you. What does time mean? No time to answer that question.
“We are too busy that is why we had to shit an entire ocean on our holidays.”
“What do you mean?”
“There were sexual intimacies between about twelve couples with each other on the same boat.”
“Were they bored?”
“Perhaps they loved it all it mattered to some because they went wild about the whole thing it was worth the expense on jetting to this crappy boat.”
“Did they all get Valentine?”
I too felt sorry for the captain and his boat was not crap.
“No it was not Valentine’s day because the thing was we went on holiday.”
“What were you doing?”
“I can’t swim so I was drinking tea and observing.”
“They all rocked.”
“The sea was submerged in white.”
“The seagulls were screaming.”
“Then there was this satisfied sighs.”
“What one does on holiday?”
“Yes they did not want to know my degree or masters all they wanted to know was each other. One little man had two on board and then there was the gay lads and the lager was floating then the below deck leapt into the ocean. I told the captain that it was not easy making me a cup of tea he was totally in agreement and said something never again would he have spinsters on board with their disagreeable mother’s. Mother said she knew what it was it was the heat. I agreed it made us all want to cool down and so they all jumped in again. I had to have several in order to calm down then realised there was nothing for me in that ocean. I went to the deck side and wanted to jump knowing I could not swim. Then reasoned mother would not be able to do the funeral and then she would botch it up and I would be buried in an unmarked grave or something.
The man I had known was now a coupled to that she was the wife he chose and I was the odd woman who he had to call onto hold onto.”
“What you were doing there?”
“I had booked a holiday with mother.”
“So went on this boat trip.”
“And that happened.”
“So went sober and came back determined to stay away from English people.”
“That was it for me I went not berserk not mad just left them to it.”
They don’t care enough these women towards their own. Their children left home and become wild. I know this is the reason I am of an ethnic stock and that makes me old fashioned but when a child in its formative years has a mother away from home what does the child take after? This is a computer chip without anything but a game show on it. “Meet your surrogate mum?” My mother is not a surrogate mother she is the best mother in the world. Of course she is and was now you are on your own sonny.
“It will keep you safe when I am out.”
The blue sky went to my head and someone said in. I do not know who cared enough but went in nevertheless. I nearly went towards the deck but was told not there. Not there but it was there was it not somehow I was having this tall conversations in my head. There was nothing for me there in this deck and that deck why and what the hell did I want to be on deck for? Again that laughter as if a scream was being had by all. There is nothing more irrational than a beautiful wife having fun and games with all her partners. He said something under his breath and I smiled at him and he did not want to know. He just did not realise it.
“Tell me your secrets tell me your lies tell me all your meal times and say it to me so that I might seek the truth about your tall tales.”
“Lesbian is the way forward that is where we become friends....”
“Tell her to stop singing.”
“You see you do feel something for her?”
“I am filled with admiration for her work.”
“Brilliance is the note and sometimes a genius.”
“She wants all the time to win and more to win every time if she does not she gets so upset she makes the whole thing disabled.”
“Do you sing?”
“I am not singing.”
“Mummy will be pleasantly surprised I have just seen what work she does.”
“What work does mummy do?”
“She is into doing some show or other.”
“It is weird she needs to kiss this arse and the other.”
“I don’t like to though.”
“She did and she does that is why she is enjoying her life now. Richer than any other female act.”
You see I am a very bitter woman I am a woman whom he dared to leave behind and get along with this other woman who amused him made him eat and drink lays. Men I suppose love lies and this man loves them the most. He is mine no longer because of what he never did to me. I supposed when we were younger he would grow up and all that he would matter to me less that he would be no longer important but some things one does not get over. That is a fact is it not? I suppose when someone else says the same thing about him we in a supportive atmosphere reason and discuss each other’s pain. But for her it was not the same it never is I felt my pain was ebbing away; my life and soul for her it made her richer than him.
You might say we have not been introduced after all that hand wringing and shaken to the roots you might say we do not behave correctly but not on our holidays do we behave no one does. Look honeys you can’t behave even at schools so what are you talking about you lot are sexual predators.
“The charm of the place is waning we don’t now find anyone of you as amusing as we did.”
“That is alright honey I never found you amusing at all but painful.”
His wife of this great man who was a poor relation of the great and mighty married and then they were suited to one another she kept up with him did his schedules and was a good wife. He and she had much happiness together one could see when they shagged in the many types of shag how happy they looked like animals in a natural habitat.
They did it so well together and mattered in their own world. To seek anything else about them well they did a lot of good in Africa and around the world and did a lot of chairing and mating adding and subtractions and divisions and all that. But what they both did wrong was try to involve me into a threesome who I did not want nor ask for I just wanted to be left alone to find someone else to marry and mate with.
“I am not promiscuous nor into polygamy. So there fuck off.”
“The world is polygamist all round the world it is let us have a party.”
“We love to.”
“Who is paying?”
“Well you are.”
“No it is you mate without a doubt it is you.”
“There is a war on because people cannot agree who is paying for the party it is first of its kind sir what do we do?”
“Give the teacher a gun and he can shoot the damn fools down.”
“Because children do upset the teacher?”
“Well it is better target practise.”
“The teenager might have missed someone. The teacher has more technical skill.”
And they went and did. The thing was if a man is unstable in that department he does not understand that a woman can take so much so much until she too snaps. The thing which broke me the camel’s back was the entirety of their happiness when and after they shagged they looked so complete together and that seemed to matter to him. He might look at me but from a distance and I had the distinct impression that he did not know a thing about me. They actually envied me and I did not understand the reason for that. Why should they envy me a poor dishwasher? They told me plain as plain come in and join us.
“No.” I would shake my head. There was something called honesty integrity he said which mattered to him. I was like a Mona Lisa or something she added and that is what I was I was the art work which he refused to let go off. Why does he not just pension me off give me money so that I can be freed? The thing was I was a piece of meal into the shag or something no matter what I did I could never take back what he had my heart but then he did not know it he did not want it. I kept it safe I kept myself safe from his kind and the others who came for it and then I would have given anything to have love.
“He is not going to is he? He is going to her. He will never come back to me he won’t I have lost him I have lost him because one mistake there it is my mistake I am to be punished forever because I narrowly slept with a dirty old man?”
“No he never did. He went to her side but his soul was coming towards me. But the thing was she had the wiles the wiles of good fortune her family put on such a shower of love and mine put up a fight a denying me everything. I was this fallen child always to be dismissed and that is contagious when people do such things it leaves a mark. It left him in some doubt about me nobody appeared to like me or take an interest in me but he and this made him less sober about the other girl and he had to choose between her and me and he chose her.”
“Not being popular is harmful?”
“You see when one is into chicks he had to have the chickens laid right did not he?”
So he made her home into his home? Yes he loved her and still does he can’t peel his eyes away from her. She looks every bit as gorgeous as when he first made love to her.
“How do you know?”
“I am the jealous other girl. I can fear his going back to her again cannot I?”
“If he does go back to her what will you do?”
“There is a desert somewhere for me too is not there?”
“I am a diabetic no a desert somewhere a land a plot of land somewhere where I can buy myself a house and settle with it.”
“Odd is it not?”
“What is so odd?”
“That you might live alone in that house forever and where is this perfect house?”
“Yes it is. I with a shot gun to not let the intruders in.”
Then when the marriage is half way there he comes to his senses. He is now awake from the spell the magical world which he had drifted into and it is hail and away. The storm is brewing there is hails and depressions and there is the unhealthy startled stare. The earth is rocking there are repercussions. The cushion is now ousted the male shag. I was never a cushion.
“He did well to do so?”
“Well you see marriage is a cure is it not? If one has to fuck the wife in many parts and come home and fuck her some more and the wife finds herself too bored their marriage becomes stale. She and he now an oddly unhappy couple?”
“And after all the romance too?”
“And as well spoken as she is?”
“Well educated a doctor or a professor too.”
“Well it is not only the educated that get their divorce.”
“But it is her failure.”
“It is a what?”
“It is a failure from her she feels it so.”
“If she had shagged him less?”
“No it was not because of that.”
“What was it about?”
The lack of privacy the lack of a complete moment to himself the lack of behaving like his aging body wanted a respite a rest, always on the go as if a demented bull. Look it is not right to say such things about the good and the great; the establishment has never aged.
His wife now in a powerful position is now able to make her own terms in all her contracts and deals. She has a powerful brain she does so too.
“Well is it not that right?”
“What is wrong with that?”
“That a woman of near pensionable age should be able to feel vulgar jealousies and thwarts and frustrations when there really is no need to.”
“I am sorry to say so but I have always been silent now I am speaking the part which I have felt for many years.”
They owned a company together which brought in many jobs and royalties.
She took to working and outbidding him on all his deals making my mistake no she wanted to have everything we had and she did. I wept now for what she has done to me and why? The reason was she wanted to take what she had given to him her years her virtue and all that flowers. Me I supposed I was a bit similar a little too similar. I asked for things which I never got I asked for the deeds to his heart which I never got. But why did I never get over him that is the reasonable question he seems to me more in me than ever before it seems to be never ending and I love the mere thought of loving him.
I went to the sink and never left the sink.
Casablanca and what it means to a child?
All is now over for us and the ash of the designer industry which makes mankind the fiends which they have become now spoils it for me. I am no more that luckless individual listening to her bragging about her wedding day and what matters to her which is copulating with a woman without any window for some sly journalist to see through.
“My mother is on to me.”
“Let us have a royal wedding?”
“Mummy is in that show doing it too them?”
“Look arse that is not legal I am under age that is what the computer says.”
“I can change your mind?”
“No it is not legal I am sorry even seeing the shows means I am breaking the ban on being in someone else’s house but I will ask mummy and see what she does say?”
In a society used to secrecy because of child marriages and children are prone to being in a secret garden in a secretive world, you see it is about the secrecy of some children growing up like mushrooms in the dark about much that concerns them. Their self interest is paramount to make them see that if someone does something too them they need only go to the police and seek medical advice and do all that hallowing and yelling to these people because if they don’t they might end up crippled by the monsters who are doing such things to them.
Why should someone who has their childhood stolen behave in anything but child like manner? When society does not pretend to care or understand that being married so young to some relative is not the answer to ones dreams that is what it is nightmares begin. That to throw away the babies with the bath water is preferable to marriage to someone who has seen you in diapers and to pretend and become his misses are the worst thing in life. Where is the fun in behaving like a wife to someone who is your real father?
That is what most women in that old country called Cyprus must have felt like because they were breeding like flies these out of state women wives mothers who had given themselves to beasts- their husbands. Most of them did not benefit a bee with their world torn and themselves gone. Their youthful vigorous selves turned into selfless wives who did and did all day.
Like some slaves they formed a circle in order to make sure they did not starve but then when the killings began they left them to their fate. They know when the killing is about to start because all the family gather to encourage it like a birth. It is the planned death it is like laying the foundations and seeing what matures and then the screaming and the yelling is the joy. It is coming forth it is coming we can marry the daughter to the son and the land and the house will be theirs.
“We can kill the spinster.”
There is no compassion there is nothing of the sort nothing like an easy death because the inheritance is due and the inheritors are grown up.
Once the screams happened there was nothing anyone of them could do. No interfering in domestics nothing to do with them. Their house still stronger than ever and to intervene when they had the domestics would make them witnesses and to witness meant trouble and be in court and lose pay and all that.
They did nothing to stop what took place naturally for that is when the young took control of the house and made the land new and the blood was to be split so that the inheritance due could be done legally. That is how the blood went from the one generation to the next on a lean bare budget what else could anyone do? That they had to do something to make ends meet. They had nothing more to sell but that they could not sell crops for their was a sanctions to reckon with and sanctions meant that is what it meant more blood and their hides on the line and their daughters gone and wedded to Arabs who would throw them out the moment they ceased to be useful.
Look this is not happening this is never going to happen this never happened to us to this world to this country? Believe me it kept on happening and now it is spilling to the West because we bring the old style with us. No I did not mean to frighten you all do not fear my raised voice it is because the facts are too plain to me but never to you.
“When you pay for a honeymoon come death or high water you have to have it.”
Eventually it turns to hatred does it not?
When the woman can eat an entire plate of food and still feels hungry or when she feels his love and still is not content when she feeds on his side but still wants to harm him when she does not care what she is saying anymore as long as he is harmed.
“What is this about?”
“Casablanca love on the man side.”
“The Casablanca love on the female side.”
“The man is my lover.”
“The female is the mother my mother with her two males.”
It is a fact most appalling there is nothing the matter with some wit is there not and I did not mean to make you afraid but then be very afraid because that is what will happen if there is no stoppage to the whole system of this abuse.
This secretive world I am going to share with you is based on childhood memories and I was knocked on the head in some incident called an accident and my memories are all jumbled up so one gets a clear snapped shot one day and a hazy one which should be clearer. So let me be your view finder and let me lead you alone to this crazed world which has formed in my mind due to my memory being hazy. My memory is damaged yesterday might be more clear than today and then there is odd clearness odd fuzziness then the whole thing does make sense does it not? I can remember what happened twenty years ago more clearly than yesterday. Why is my long term memory not affected as much? Ask my doctor he might speak up for me if he should tell him my name is this my address is that and Theresa May is the Prime Minster of Britain.
It is okay I am not afraid to lay bare myself as well as everyone else and there are gaps in my everyday thinking and acting but what does it mean and matter is that most of that is real. I am loathed to answer your questions. But feel free to understand and thinking is encouraged.
Time is limited to me because the will and testament of time tells me that there might not be enough of me going round to fulfil all of your questions. Because once they come they are a barrage of something called disbelief and don’t care and how dare you and why and what is the sensitivity issue and what an idea and all that.
So I will be brief with your time so that you can enjoy yourselves with some other book which is what we are all able to think about when we are reading something. Because the book one is reading is never enough.
These are the snap shots which I took with my damaged camera lens which was damaged because of memory loss called something like repetitive disorder which when I would speak and say something until I warmed up to that situation. My memory is a tool like anything else because I was damaged as a baby and that is a nasty occurrence which is healed up but my memory is damaged if there is not enough memory in the gaps please freely imagine what I am not going to say. I meant the coffees we drunk the drinks we consumed and the tables and the chairs which formed the stone surfaces and mattered because of the red carpets which they the housewife only cleaned when her husband passed away.
“I told daddy about the blood stained pants and he hit mother and I did not know the reason why. I know now what it is. The man had haemophilia therefore bleeds.”
“That is what killed dad.”
“That is when they try to murder him.”
“That is why mummy lost her leg.”
“It is my fault for not keeping silent.”
“And I think that I am a good woman because I helped a lot of people but many want me dead now.”
You see all the kids in this book trying it on are some sort of a small community of children who I had befriended and made into something called a string of children in need of protection because I had nothing more to do but try to help. But they say to me you should have left it alone do you know the affects you had on us our lives totally upset because you did not allow child killings to be done?
If there is no adult to do such a thing and if the adults are also corrupt what does it mean? This is the whole point of this novel because if the kids are kids they are up to something. So let me expand let me explain what to do? I am in the thrills of this new experience because I have just realised I am going to bore everyone and that is a fact. If a housewife only cleans her carpet when her husband is dead is she a good housewife? Is it important is it well done of her when the husband kept on speaking about germs and having the warfare on germs as he was dying because he had gangrene?
So this new types of murders have begun the household not cleaned properly and the gangrene which is steadily doing the rounds of the antibiotics but why?
Love and inheritance hate after forty years of marriage it is monotonous when the marriage was for money. Marriage and more love come afterwards and we are still expecting it to come any time now any day. But the years down the line and one finds there is nothing there but this grumpy couple and they hate each other.
I am now back to the computer and the television and the parent away from home doing the child care and all that in her and his spare time as the food needs to be there and the house mortgaged and the double doors on the garage made secure for thieves can come any time and take it away.
It is no use saying it is child safe and all that because computers are not safe and children are always able to do and undo their own safety it is for them like outwitting a jail or going from the jungle book into the reality of the jungle book. I Tarzan you Jane and it is child safe let us try it.
So here are two well behaved children doing just that let us drop by.
No most definitely I got mother mixed up with the kids sorry here is mother doing something wrong?
I did and she said it was ok. She had been on the phone a moment and the thing was the mother was distracted by something a noise a sound some intruder where is mummy? But mother’s are always distracted they do not have the same feelings which we do they are never the same they speak this and the other when they should be doing themselves fine. She is at work and does not have the time.
“What she said it was ok but you said not legal?”
“Well she was fed up at being discovered somewhere and she said do what I liked.”
“What you thinking we are being hasty?”
“I want to eat my double pizza first.”
While the world was losing their naivety and all manner of other things it meant I was thrown into some sort of isolation this alone woman this lone person meant I had plenty to observe. I do not seek them out me just find out the ridiculous in the personality of today. You see it has nothing to do with reason or planning or being subservient I am a woman who sees that and the other.
What made me this way? In a manner of speaking because he did not love me enough to speak those dreaded words and that made me who I am today. The feeling is one of failure when someone fails at a relationship it makes them someone more dreaded than anything else. It makes them fearless or fearful or someone who can do and then can-can. My mind leapt and leant itself to the sparks of the Universe I flew because I was trapped inside this sober little world and my mind broke into splinters because I had been forgotten.
Suffering does that to you? Made me into this other thing I was fried and that meant something came of it. When one is involved in the cafe business menial doings every day the same routine the sparks not there bored as hell what does one glimpse daily to survive? Madness the flimsiest excuse to be away in your own world. It is called day dreaming but then I came not out of it but somehow different every day I would dread that shop I would dread it more and more as if it was eating my whole life and maddening me I felt cold sober at going to work.
Angered by this my father took exception to me trying to move out of his sphere and then tried to trap me even more. Took my savings for the mortgage and then tried to raise the mortgage by not paying the monthly mortgage bill. You see simplicity itself. Do not worry it was Fiddle so he was less competent than the other dad.
His wedded wife was a cow. My Valentine who never gave me a valentine and now with his wife a cow a real shirty thing to call such a lovely woman a cow? What matters is that you and he now pleasantly occupied. I am occupied of my own house this is my domicile. When one does not have a status at all there is nothing the matter without speaking the true meaning of what it means to be in servile posts. I made myself ill trying to compete with them.
But they were always better than me they used me to further their own wiles. They smiled in their catlike manner and my owls left me fled from me and madden me at the close of midnight the owls come out and they speak to me. As this child which I had been the owls were my friends it was afterwards I begin to see through them all they want is food.
He took from me my spirit and she took away my dignity and self respect but none of them before had made me as ridiculous as on that day when he married her.
“Their blood wedding day on my murder day.”
“It was an appointed day. It was meant to happen.”
“It was planned.”
“By the orders of that great aristocratic family.”
“Hers and ours by which I mean the man who did the knifing had no motive.”
“I sang that song over and over in my head.”
“Blood wedding day.” No it was not a song it was a poem.
“He asked me if he could marry her.”
“I said yes do what you must for her.”
He did not stay to see how pale I had become. You see his intentions there strictly honourable because she had status she had the status someone important from an important family. Bloody day that was nearly got murdered the best day of my life for some time felt so alive like my body every fibre there alive-alive I felt as alive as if there was wheels inside me grown.
When a man believes a woman in love with him when she says to him go ahead and get married that man is more of a fool and is not in love with the second woman so he has her blessings and now she is alone. I am alone aloof am alone forever alone.
Dragged myself across the street into the cafe and said to dad to call the ambulance which he did with the mafia inside the cafe asking if there was the chance of shutting that door and finishing me off? Dad saved my life for being an obedient man. He was told he a stupid carcase. He what a stupid carcase because he called the bloody ambulance they would have finalised the deal or something. Three children sold that day three babies sold to the mafia and they bought the whole lot.
That fetched the highest price?
I survived I survived but the children narrowly were sold into slavery and me went down the hole.
When the siblings do not underrate the mafia saying they have bills to pay off but what oddness when it is not the bills once me dead what else can a mafia do but to buy the rest. The produce good and wholesome whoever wants a dead carcase none of them. My niece and nephews sold at the right price. The babies bought wholesale and then the door would have been shut. But dad had called the ambulance and that meant they had to save it for another day.
Mother called out,” I have another and another and another.”
“It is mad is it not?”
“What is mad about is was me nearly dying and this audit going on mattered to me so much.”
So what is this novel about? Love wronged and slavery.
In Britain a woman can sell her own children to some sort of slavery with a good heart because it is good to be secure financially. When a woman has two husbands to feed that is the price she is willing to pay. She had to work harder than most otherwise and men are impatient of work you see imagine one fat slob but she had two. One man on the phone is blackmailing her.
When one loves someone I reason it is not like that and on her wedding day she was speaking about that who was the unfortunate man whom she was marrying. I had no idea I was in some sort of a trance and the trance went for a long time.
“We desire to see you.” They said together.
“I am not into desiring the same things.” I said, “I ask for nothing but to be left alone.”
“We loved you.” She said.
“I love no more.” he said as he fled my side. He did not know he did not realise he had nothing on his mind but to feather their love nest.
“I am feathering my love nest when the going gets tough and the tougher they fall they harder they come to land down. It is a hard dirt road on the winter of disenchantment and the failure of our mating is that we no longer love each other.”
“But she is more beautiful than you are.” He said he said it again hurting me she is more beautiful than you are.
“You no longer love her?” I ask I seek his glance.
“No we no more loved each other because it was an action a sex act.”
“Then it was a kind of loving? This is youthful vigorous love which you do not feel for me because I am not strong enough to sustain it?”
“Yes it is.”
“I feel ill used my body was used because she could not do it? How dare you all use me?” She has now more money than any other actress and still she is having problems dealing with it all. Do you know that they are looking a bit strange I mean most women get used most people get used they do so because they are consumed by ambition and lack of self respect because of self interest but when you pay the piper you do not get your coin back sister.
“We must have our cake and eat it too.”
“That shall happen one day but not now.”
“This is the generation of women hackers who are hacking the man to death.”
“They give with one hand and take away with the next.”
“Women have always been like that.”
“If I do not receive any money than I will write this forever.”
“You are poor?”
“Fucking right I am.”
You see when the wife is so self centred that she does not see poverty but what is obviously her right to gain and become the rightful heir to everything what is she? She is the right wife to be on his side and it is the right man to become the judge and the jury on my trial what matter of a world is this?
“It has to be done right by you.”
“I have been waiting for justice for more than fifty years honey you might as well give it to me after my death.”
“She is a bubble.”
“She squeaks in delight.”
“That is what men want.”
“There is no compensating her?”
“I want my money.”
“You shan’t have it.”
“If I don’t I will kill you.”
This is the most ruthless thing the most truthful thing the more I delve deeper the more my nerves get on edge at the indignity about the women now called wives who give something then say they have benefited not at all. Well does the world look like it is a benefit agency for the rich?
“Look the rich don’t like to give anything at all?”
“What does it mean to me is that the world is filled with hard core wives or women who are acting like woman and creating hell when they are no longer acceptable as themselves career women who do nothing but create implement money because that is what it is one does not earn enough to pay the rent as a housewife but these wives do just that they earn enough money to fumigate their houses and live in a hotel.”
So doubtless when they are also saying they are wives it does not make sense to me at all because most of them end up having affairs and they are always bored with their tedious husbands so what makes them so different?
“They are not like any other women they are career women.”
“If they lose their jobs it is the end of their world.”
“If they lose their husbands it is a new beginning.”
“You know it is the end of the world it is being with them as a child my mother was like these career creatures.”
“I am the main bread winner.”
“I am the mere money man.”
“I am the money woman. I give you all that I can I earn enough to satisfy you all. So I can do anything to anyone of you that I care to do.”
“We love you mummy.”
“Ah these kids they are under my feet all day long have you no homes to build and get too?”
“We don’t have a doll’s house we are trying to build one.”
While the world was dancing called the dance floor and doing the minutes at meetings. I did not know anything about the world. I was a naive child of nature and I was dying of natural causes which affliction born bravely did not describe. I was looking for a way forward to make my way in life and there appeared nothing to do but to drift along with the tides of not being and behaving as proper as possible in order to get by.
If I misbehaved I would never be and that meant the things which mattered to me would be corrupted lost forever. I thought about the living expenses went to work and did all manner of jobs but the bottom line was did not belong in the rock bottom pile or the middle class pile or even the top drawer pile.
Why so bad and what did we do to you?
To make matters worse there was nothing of interest in the world the cold war was just a cold blast did not touch us besides we loved the Russians. Read the Russian novels and they reminded me of the Turkish novelist so what did it matter to us who ruled the world? Back then I was a bit naive did not know about the KGB and the men who hide in corners poisoning the other man’s tea. Well you see it is a matter of observation that it is a disaster to be ruled by such a nation. I mean one never knows who is doing the tea.
In the 1980’s I was a young girl still in the first youth and had nothing on my mind but to get on. That is what was wrong with me I had this huge steak on my shoulder and wanted and wanted and needed to be out there with everyone.
“Get on where when you have me?” asked my rich larger than life boyfriend. He was hurt about this I had no respect for him did not note his standing and he felt a bit of a fool coming and going when there was nothing but this girl wishing she could become someone. A fiendish delight took us to thwart each other and we began to hurt one another. I who had not much manners and did not want to be educated did not find the right school even and when she did was laughed at.
So this gauche girl began to become irritating to him? Indeed it had and he was soon becoming increasingly interested in his own circle of friends and all that. How does a girl know what she wants when she has no expert advisor and when she is told constantly she has better fortunes to make? But he would smile obligingly and then it went to his head what the world offered him.
His loins and youth took over there was this heated debate would he or would not he do it with her and her and then he was surrounded by them. The thing about being young and involved in a world of riches is one is always facing temptation and desires and this and the other if a girl is gawky there are others who will take what she has on offer and that is what I found out. The only thing was he did not realise he loved me until we were told it was too late the die was cast we were flown into our separate realities.
He also he said he told me on what is known as that scene between us he loved his wife and needed to make his marriage work. Is it the fault in our stars or is it or was it because we had too many demanding our attentions? I did not know what to make of it all there was this man who was my rock and he was no longer anything but someone else’s rock. He went and took everything with him. My heart now broken I did not know what to speak about there seemed no point I was put on stelazine and then went on to become dependent on depo. which is a drug to reduce my rages said the psychiatrist called his wife. She had the overrule she had the right to say reduce and increase and then when I was told they would double the dose than triple the dose then there was this beating of my heart as if it would never stop then this happened there was me in hell having the near liver gone beyond repair they recognised the signs I was near death.
“Then the sex parties the man and woman coming and going the patients saying that their doctors not their doctors somehow the doctor does not recognise the patients.”
“How could it have happened?”
“Because the head doctor let the jokers in.”
“She did not?”
“A woman of many parts is our Mary.”
When one is involved in an accident like that one wonders how it all began. When did this happen to me why did it happen? I was given depo for the twenty years then it was started again after a short time because the doctor said I was unruly but there was not much anyone could do when I was gaining weight. The thing was there is nothing anyone can do when a row is brewing there is nothing anyone can do when a rich relative does not like one. There is nothing the matter when his wife was so jealous she would have had murdered me.
“Now we live in a derelict situation in a derelict NHS because many of the same things keep on happening.”
“We don’t have any money?”
“Well there are enough volunteers doing the jobs there are many people doing it for nothing more than a smile what has happened because the infrastructure was built on sands.”
Of course she kisses too and mends me then stands me in the firing range. There is nothing the matter with that is there? It is normal behaviour amongst women who are fighting over the same men and it has nothing to do with behaving like gentry or gently or even in civilised manner.
“When you say speak and eat and decently do the decent mannerly thing what do you mean?”
“Don’t speak with your mouth full.”
“I mean when a man and a woman have love the other woman is not on.”
“She asked you to join her?”
When it is a wife what happens to the whole show? When the man she loves is a reprobate and does not live with her for long and games the whole property which she had to build in order for him to come along.
“We went to Izmir and rode on carriages and had a lovely time everyone was so kind.”
“We went to this other place and there was no service and there was your dad drunk as hell and he did not even deserve to be lifted to his room which he had to be. When I told them I had a bad leg.”
“So is there something wrong with it?”
“Darlings there is such a thing as having a secret and my secret is the same when a man is involved a woman has to do what a woman has to do in order for herself to shag him.”
“But it is illegal?”
“No such thing all is fair in love and war.”
The neighbours did not talk at all him a great disguiser of himself. Look when we went to this other holiday she came back looking grand and a dame. She had the whole mankind watching over her leg because it was such a good show. There my leg all the time there it is all the time.
“It will never mend because then my benefit will be affected.”
“Abdul does not care when I don’t have any money so Fiddle has to be borne with.”
“One has olive eyes the other has honeysuckle eyes.”
“Look you are madness incarnate.”
“How dare you insinuate.”
“I did a perfect decapitation once on a starlet be star and now we my woman and I made a habit of it. It gives us a thrill.”
“Poor thing did not know it was me and her.”
“Poor thing rejected him. Said he did not amuse her.”
“How dare she say I was not amusing?”
“I could have been a great star if she had not been there doing the starring parts.”
“But when this grand lady called the hairless fancied him he went willingly to her bed to satisfy his gaming instinct she held card parties and all that for the benefit of the wives until he dropped in and did a lot of harm.”
“Ati did what?”
“She exposed him.”
“She did just that she was a brilliant wit.”
“She needed the money to kill her husband that is why she told everyone her tiara stolen.”
“Drop it drip dry.”
“It is a polygamist society and no one will admit it.”
“What is wrong with you people?”
“What is with you do you expect us to marry in the traditional style and be faithful at the same time we married the duty over we give her our name that is enough.”
“She asked for the name she takes the name what she does with it is her business.”
“I don’t understand?”
“It is lousy not understanding anything wrong with what I just said?”!
“No it is that it is wrong.”
“So you giving the wife your name are everything?”
“After much soul searching why else did she marry me?”
“Well good looks?”
“Never seen her before and she me.”
“Marriage to a stranger is bad for me.”
“I want to try out the delicacies.”
“I know his sort leave it alone man go home to your wife.”
“Yes she was into sharing her bedroom with anyone.”
“I see polygamy everywhere.”
“Sorry this man is now what?”
“He is the long suffering husband.”
“When a man marries a woman who does woman what does it make him?”
“Which makes him a victim?”
“So now he is free?”
“He will never be free because of the off spring.”
“So she has him tied in knots?”
“He becomes a womaniser and a hater of woman.”
“Now he will not settle down he won’t do anything but be around and go round and round.”
“This is not reality?”
“This is the only reality of being in such a relationship pain the pain and more pain.”
“There is emotional pain it is a disaster for me for us for the whole thing is a disaster.”
“But it is too late it was a very long time ago it is now over I am with someone else and that is not giving me enough of the things I am used to.”
“So why not go back to him?”
“Because sometimes time is not about going back sometimes one can’t go anywhere sometimes it is over for some and others it is not right to behave in some unkind manner to someone one is fond of.”
“So your boyfriend has you?”
“I have a new boyfriend he is not young but neither I’m I.”
“So what is the matter with you now?”
“You mean me in myself?”
“Within the well being of yourself?”
“I am sharing out memories of the past is there anything that is wrong with that?”
“But all those people will ask why?”
“The reason is because I feel better when I do.”
“So this is therapy?”
“I have been taught not to bottle the thing down.”
“To say what I think I am shy so I am saying what I feel without much audience and there is this book I am writing at the same time so what does one say in a book?”
“Give us a description?”
The aging population the popular opinion that one can live on sex and love is over. Eventually these dull the mind there is nothing else but food as well you can cook as good but what about me and my time did I serve all them years for you now to be serving me food which is tasteless to me? It is wasted on me when the man who came and took my family from me Abdul is sat next to us in his chair having a laugh that his disguise has worked and that he can enjoy his prolonged stay in his home eating our life even as we speak. And he does not even note how much I detest this man who nearly robbed me of my childhood and made me into a thief and a would be villain.
“Steal I would thief the knickers from my grandmother.”
“Even if she is dying.”
“A thief is someone who does not work at all.”
“Why work you fool?”
“No sir no sir no.” I covered my face in my pillow and wept.
Now there is this rat in there trying to catch us out and why is he there and what is he doing in there?
“Now there is something in stealing but what matters is not to be caught.”
“I will be caught I just know it sir I will be caught.”
“But if you do just cry pretend and then use your charms?”
“Damn it should I show the child?”
“Too young.” Said Zeks.
“I am sat in my official room for work and saying in my own space within the space I provided which is my room and have set a standard of work practise. I don’t care about anything but speaking what has happened and doing the right thing within the limitations of myself as the person writing this novel.”
“But it is never ending?”
“Most novels are.”
“I am not going to read all of it?”
“No one is asking you to.”
When I was a girl with this rich man, I was inexperienced and did not react quickly to situations there was nobody who did not have a sally forth and win without much effort. Stuck at home stuck without a limb or a divining board the thing was there was nothing to do but to make myself useful.
But being useful means when there is not much personal care and hygiene and the boiler almost constantly being off meant I had nothing to do but to think good thoughts.
I was naive innocent and what nagged me was everyone knew me as a huge joke.
That is what I was a huge beautiful dumb brood of a joke. I was smelly because the boiler did not work? We would repair the fault and it went and did it again as soon as it runs for a couple of months it would be off.
“You use it too much.”
“I love a bath.”
“No more just use it sparingly.”
You see when a man depends on the woman looking as fresh and nice as a fresh cut flower he goes the other way when she becomes this smelly odd ball.
“Too much detail about hygiene?”
“Too much suffering because of the whole thing.”
“When a man wants a woman to be clean and romantic.”
“Make her presentable and decent.”
“When the boiler does not work what must a penniless girl do?”
So the courtship did not go through?
Damn right it went very badly.
“I knew I had an enemy at the damn gas works and then she appealed to me said she went and ruined me.”
“His new flame she fought not at all fair.”
“She ruined our romance.”
“Have you ever been tortured by words? Worst then words your nightmare in the foolish things one reads?”
“No but I am having the boiler repaired.”
“Did it break down?”
“By having the boiler break down and having it repaired I am showing responsibility and self respect.
“But someone you knew worked there?”
“I told you his flame worked there.”
“My lover’s old flame worked there.”
“Was it possible you two were in a threesome?”
“But you speak to her?”
“She won’t leave me alone. She follows me everywhere.”
“She comes under assumed names and identities and tries it on.”
“Is she by any chance more madly in love with him than you?”
“She said when they were together that she found him boring.”
“She finds job everywhere.”
“Where there is money she finds it rewarding to steal work from others.”
“Like you find it rewarding to steal husbands?”
“No sorry not me.”
“Who is staying with you?”
“I am not staying with anyone I live at home on my own and there is nobody but this woman with a pit bull terrier stalking me.”
“Can you be more specific?”
“Every time I leave the house she is there with a pit bull terrier called James.”
“She is dog walking?”
“At what time?”
“In the rain at eight or seven.”
“She can’t leave it alone the Medici curse or something.”
“Yes she is related to the Medici’s.”
“Who knew that she never worked there?”
“They owned the company my dears.”
“She never I’m I a nerd?”
“No such thing. Who’s that girl?”
“She is a babe.”
“She is a squeaky clean babe who the world adorns with their love tokens.”
“She has more money than sense.”
“She is a minting machine.”
“Who is that girl?”
“She is the richest bitch on heat and she knows how to make herself alluring to them on the street.”
“I would never remember her if it was not for her boobs.”
That was when I nearly dined alone throughout my life nobody says to me that I am dumb. I was not struck with such inhuman condescending behaviour. I was not a charity. Sorry said his then wife and woman and the mother of his child.
The thing is when someone is afraid something bad will or might happen it usually does and did. I am hopelessly devoted to you I sang that song forever it is the marvellous song and the lyrics had me crying and crying all over.
The darkness in my soul seeped in. What does a abused child say to everyone when she is older? Please sir I want more? I want something to believe in or is it someone to make me right again in the head here is a psychiatrist. But when the psychologist goes there is nothing there one has wasted oneself one’s life on reliving memories with a doctor who is trained not to feel any emotion at all.
When the doctor goes the rope is cut off everyone is away and it is like being left alone forever with the life not lived with the patient feeling that one did not matter anyway that one is left now beheaded in a manner like a rat cornered and made off with its head.
“The life that I have led.”
“When I was a child I did not have a life now a adult I have nothing more to say on the subject.”
“Now you are alone.”
“Forever alone because of what I didn’t do anything.”
“That nice now I am sorry you feel this way about the system.”
“System of abuse is the system all go.”
“When a child is abused and she has to re live the past over and over until she can’t get away what happens to homework and the rest of the curriculum and does she make friends is there someone to see to this?”
“Of course she does her buddies.”
“Is that so what if they are nothing to her?”
“That is life.”
“What is life?”
“Why I think speak to the doctor about this.”
“It is about interactions.”
“It is about doing and being done to.”
“It is about mixing the good and the bad.”
“When nothing mixes and there is nothing but the retelling of the story what happens?”
“This book happens?”
Ati did a forged insurance to make the home a better more modern place to live in. Inside her new pleasing atmosphere she had settled out of court for the princely sum of something and then she was all the same with her double chins wagging thumbs up to anyone. It works to forge insurance it works. Look my ladies this is my new man and these are the perks of insurance let us play again the cards and see where the dice falls.
“Her husband was really her granddad.”
“Her father was her husband?”
“Society owes her something?”
“Her son is a very good doctor.”
“Yes he has cured me of many evils.”
“What did he say to do?”
“Charity work and I now feel fine.”
“What do you do with that?”
“Well I rob the poor and give the finest meats to the people I care about.”
“My employees therefore I spend less money.”
“What a good idea.”
“But is that charity?”
“I think it is because they are poor one man looks like the other.”
“But it is not charity.”
“I say it is and makes me feel best and I am able to see that the world is not a nasty place to be in otherwise I would have beheaded my servants for wanting money.”
“They asked for their wages every week.”
“I know most people pay their servants wages every year but they asked for their wages every week.”
“So now it is ok?”
“It is madness they are asking for wages why do they need wages for heaven sake? It is not right when they have a home within this house working in a sheltered environment and doing their chores why they eat too doesn’t them? So why do they also want wages? It is inconvenient when the money should be used to buy me things.”
“They stuff themselves with food I have seen them.”
“What they don’t have time to do that in my house.”
“What reasonable precautions should a woman have to ask for in life is to have wit and the will to behave in the decorum and dictates of her conscience and my conscience is telling me to throw the servant all out.”
“Who will do the work”?
“I found day labourers are more congenial and one does not have them in the house and they can be got rid off with a fly in their ear one pays for a day job and they leave or come when one wants them to.”
“That is a very good idea.”
Ati was robbed when she had this done but she would never admit that she did not even state it. These things happen and it did. If it was not for the dog from the Mess she would have been robbed totally but the dog came and saved her from further harm. The dog was killed not long afterwards for biting seven people. There was nothing to do but to accept the facts the dog had got vicious.
The dog had to go to the courts but Ati did not know had no idea what the dog was trying to say to her as she did not speak in such a low language.