Can language haunt you? Can it make you cry as if it is real and can it harm you? Can language make you sick as if it had sparks in it like fireworks? Or fire crackers or dragon flies or the atomic bomb? They do say that words are like weapons but are they not worse?
A child taught not to fly a child who is taught not to be anyone or anything a child told to stay indoors and just fry. A child taught to be sad and lonely and that is the child now known as not nice but nasty. A child who comes out as difficult a child who nobody loves and tries not to find it in their hands a child who becomes a handful we were such children. Abdul sat down and said it out loud, “Here is me who calls the shoots not you it is I.
“Sparkle and I will kill you kick you around and make it impossible for you to live.”
“Stay indoors in fact goes under the table behave and don’t steal the show.” Said Abdul because grandmother who was married had murdered his daddy and stole him from the world when he a young boy. Mother rescued him because she had to behave well in public but in disgrace so he was sent with her to England to protect her honour and did not return until he spent the money given.
Ati paid off the killer by robbing herself of her tiara and claiming on the insurance otherwise she would have broken into the bank and there was nothing more silly rumours than that was there not even for a pretty boy who can do it all night. Abdul had moved soon after the incidents which had occurred and there had not been any trouble. None whatsoever no more robberies no more incidents in fact Ati looked so healthy and well as if she had found her.
He must have been fifteen or younger. Ati was not aware she was breaking the law. Look them wives gaming when they should have been at home doing the child care and it took hold of his brain that he a sort of hero who would defend against anomalies. What is wronged woman? What is a woman he was thinking and doing some flirting with Zeks they had entertainment in plenty they had to because everyone so much older.
A woman has to stay at home otherwise it is behaving strangely? I am stranded in the house looking after an old house without much to live on and this is the only thing I am allowed to do write and write and make a better book. I have stitched myself up so that there is no come back but the feeling is most of these people in this novel are not perfect at all.
“Abdul is the monster whom Ati created she raped him when he a teenager because he a jewel so beautiful.”
“She never rape me she a woman.”
“it takes a man to rape a man. Not a woman a woman is a wife she is not that powerful.”
“But sir it is still wrong to sleep with a boy?”
“A youth so wonderful to be.”
“Look that is what youth means?”
“To her it means everything.”
“It was a long-long time ago when his interest was caught by Zeks who he thought would benefit if Bilge’s finger was cut.”
“He did it for me.” Zeks said she fell in love with him for doing that. Bilge was in all the school plays and Zeks being musical resented that. Her mother did not even buy her a school custom and she hated to learn her parts but she wanted to be in the plays and she said she did not enjoy plays but then she lies all the time.
“He did it for me?”
“Yes and he did it for the love he felt for her nastiness and ill will.”
Otherwise her odd looks that little bitch upsetting everyone by having the acting parts all the juicy ones and saying him not her lover and he so handsome? Why he looked better than Rock Hudson what he did was not bad he did it to the benefit of the cinema which he adores.
Then he fell into this evil days attitude he fell really hard. He follows her into Britain and becomes a part time husband because he still with his beloved Ati and if she got wind of Zeks she would disinherit him. Because Ati a very jealous woman and he sent her to sleep and she was so involved with his kindness and goodness and his services rendered she just could not get enough of him.
He did not stick at any job his life one of spending time and doing time and shifting around as if in the permanent flux of life. But he had also this other side this cruel side which he gave to children he hated us. B he conquered as soon as he could and Z was out of his reach because mother protected her as she her only daughter. But Z had promised her own children as payment and she did not have the foresight to see that she in real danger. That her family in danger that she in the real world would not become an outcast but one of the murder victims which they specialise in.
Specialist murders coming up; is speciality cutting fingers and thumbs and frightening children to compliance and raping them. Then murdering the family in order to inherit or hastening their death.
But why is she selling the grandchildren down the years? She did not feel the same about the grandchildren because they got blue eyes and she liked brown.
“If you wet yourself you are in trouble.” Said Abdul and he was always there saying such things when I disliked wetting myself he put ideas into my head which were absurd.
“I am 11 years old.”
“Bitch. Why speak to us at all? Do you have designs on my husband bitch?” said mother who had adopted me to make Abdul proud but why did not understand except grandmother was the one who raped him? The one who had no hair and was gone all the time on cleaning and cards.
“Crudely put I am a prude do you have anything to say about that?”
“No it is nasty having a prude here.”
“Why cut thumbs and fingers off?”
“Because they love to see oddness it amuses them the suffering the shame the existence of this and that as if they love to seek the funny side of it all.”
“They find it hilarious.”
When I was a child whenever there was troubles and there were plenty of troubled times I went to bed and did sleep soundly. As if by going to sleep the whole thing would blow over and the things which mattered would come together again. I thought about sifting for the gold in experience and this meant by going to bed I would find the gold. That is what Nan meant did not she as she said the loving words to me as they sent us all packing?
“Throw well to the seas and it gets back to you.” She was wrong she robbed me all the years because she wrong she was in the wrong she said the wrong words it is all wrong worst of it all she was so believable the sea only comes back because of the moon and if there is no moon then the good does nothing but be swept away outside there is no good coming because tonight there is no moon.
“We are nowhere near the sea what you talking about?”
“I did good but never found anything but bad.”
“Stop behaving oddly.” Said B to me
“What is odd about believing?”
“Stupid sheer stupid I in Continuous because did not know about money and how to behave myself in the pub.” Said B to me and it hurt.
In this manner I would forgive and forget all the things which they had said and done and hopefully look on the brighter side to the situation might even prove valuable experience for the next plot of the day’s work. Learns all the time and who knows if enough of the badness came along I would learn how to deal with the whole lot of them. Shifting words are like sand making me stand and then unsettle me.
“We spoilt you rotten.” Said little Zeks.
“We gave you too much power.” She said to B and Z who were children.
“The power has gone to your head.” Said mother to me because she felt I had too much power.
“Here is a chocolate.” She said to me and finely cut it.
“Here is another one.” She said more kindly, “I hope you get spots.”
“Take that one too.” She added, “I will give some to the girls.”
“I need food because this is making my head spin.”
“No time to cook, I must dash.”
“Luckless me how unlucky I am.” Said mother to the air in general the air of course did not answer back. But her family did and they called mother luckless and poor and all that what she did not understand they did not stay to help her out which she obviously needed she could not cope with all the work. Having three children two full time husbands and all that was not making her well and she needed a helper with the laundry, kitchen and the housework.
“Yes poor Zeks she has her hands full but I expect she is paid very well?”
“Always asking for it she does.”
“She got a lighter worth fifty pounds.”
“What about the others?”
“Only child allowance.” Said Zeks. She liked the others best because she had no trouble with them they did as she told them too they had nobody but me and she could control the situation. When she tried to get rid of Z ’s thumb the whole house came to see what the screaming and the shouting was about then the door was opened and Z’s thumb was saved. Z just wanted to go outside the room she did not want anything else. But ma did not want her to get outside the door she just wanted her to sit down all day doing nothing but eating the wall.
“It was me who she disliked she said looking after a dog and the dog had to eat onions.”
“Silence is as good as gold ever so funny too.” The lady downstairs was amused by these tiny creatures.
“One is taking to lifting the other one up?” Who is this woman? We think she does not machine all day we heard her singing and playing a musical instrument.
“Yes she does she does no harm. They are so amusing.”
“Well if the infant falls?”
“More amusing they said it out loud.”
“Are you insured did your insurance papers look okay?”
Women are so bizarre they come and give us cuddles and words and chocolates and say they have something but not what we really need. A place to do some thinking home work and all that someone to sit down and do homework with me because she had this other life this romance this little spell of desires. I just could not concentrate on my own but mother had to have her life too and she did not have enough space for me.
“Milk mummy we want milk.”
“Not enough money.”
“Poor you not a moments rest.” Said her matey mates the aunts only enraged her made her fear something. When they came Dad in fact went bananas and went out in the nude but the thing was it was not okay we were vulnerable we had no one but absentee carers and this maddened B and then me.
“We are better off doing the looking after ourselves.”
“No B no it won’t do I cannot compete in the grown up world it is too difficult you don’t understand.”
B had already started doing the same job she is still doing.
“I know what they want and I am able to give it to them.”
“No. Honestly no it will never be that it is not on to be a child that is a good girl.”
“No holidays and no man friends feel like a nunnery I do nothing but work.”
“Gave the best years of her life to them.” Said mother to her general public in a roundabout manner, “Yes have done but mostly they do me proud.”
“Has she started school yet?”
“She has no brain for it does not read or write.”
“Well does not take do her always gives?”
“Nobody always just gives it is not in human nature to do such a thing. Not without blowing the world into some sort of scandal.”
“Where is the sex scandal?”
“In the hospitals that is where the scandal is.”
“Dad was in and out of the hospitals.”
“But it began in the house this house our house.”
They were talking about me and I was startled I a bright child now classed as a dimwit? What me yes me.
“No unfortunately she takes after us.”
“That is to the good Zeks.”
“Yes it is.”
“Why is it to the good?” I ask.
“Children do not listen to adults talking.”
“Smashing that is when we are talking adults listen so why not we listen to adults spoken?”
“And the adults are all doing something wrong.”
“Not all of them know it is the swinging 1960’s where are we in the year now?”
“In the 2000’s and beyond but the scandals happened in the 1990’s onwards or began in the 1990’s.”
“When you can earn enough money then you can talk not before.”
“How beautiful she has grown?”
“Yes she has no touching.”
“But she will send them wild?”
“In a party dress she will shine.”
“Look her earrings fit perfectly.”
I startled everyone by throwing the earrings away. My sister B picks them up and hides them.
“This is not a child because she looks so grown up.”She looks older than her years.”
“She is older than her years.” She repeated to everyone she is now in the right.
“She has grown to be with selfish indulgences.”
“She is older than me she looks older than me.”Throughout my time as a mental patient nobody had said that they cared as much as the words she had just said to me.
“We are a couple of jerks jet setting to the next assignment.”
But at home I was a literary food and I did the food. I put the food on the table and was okay most of the time until daddy would attack me then mum did too when we all lost the veneer of sociability.
“We shall feast when she cooks.” Said my literary grown up self centred sister. Those were the people who we had to visit indefinitely forever because there was no other option.
“We will marry her off to the highest bidder and sweat her out.” Said the uncle.
What does Macbeth like witches have to do with this century called the indifferent 20th century when the 1960’s flower power was on and the mayhem of sweetness and delights were the norm? What do the children not flowering is indoors doing?
You know my world that evil existed long before we discovered child abuse evil does exist and will always exist and there is no way we can eradicate it but we must be always on the lookout for the evil which lurks under the carpets and the floor boards. But there is more evil today than at any other time?
Of course because now we have the urbanisation, Jack the Ripper land where there is so much trouble when 11 year old girls are killed by their uncles and what badness comes besides? We have grown lax and we need to be more in tune with the world.
“But we are the best of them.”
“How do you mean?”
“We are the best example of what human beings can be.”
“What no way it is not true?”
“Well it is. Of course it is. There are no other beasts that have the same shared pinnacle of good manners and bad behaviour.”
“Does it mean they say sing me and softly kill me?”
“Well it is the true meaning of being the pinnacle of good behaviour.”
“You mean dancing in line to the minute?”
“And writing the minutes at the same time.”
And so many people doing wrong to each other that we now have the rich and the powerful saying there is nothing but money which is good. It is about money we have better fed people more houses and all that so we do not have evil to go with it?
“What is wrong with you all?”
“Nothing we are doing what Jack Lemon said the clock room with the key and it is that is it not?”
“Women now have the same key to the closet and they give interviews in bedrooms at hotels and then when they are seduced they give another interview in the court rooms.”
“Well so what?”
“It is not a tax haven?”
“Because it is taxing our thinking to be all the time in such a state of bad behaviour that when we leave our privacy we go public we do the same things.”
“Oh dear no not me.”
“But we do and you must do it too?”
“What do you do?”
“I can’t remember beside the point.”
Urbanisation the sins which we now can get away with the massive deeds which go unnoticed. Look so many oddballs locking away their children in some psychological traumas or even locking them in broad daylight that they now not eventually going to behave like what?
“Locked under emotional turmoil.”
“Like a zombie I could not move out.”
“There are no jobs for the mad the insane and people who live with their mothers at home.”
“You must first move out in order to make a new life for one otherwise why work not worth our while.”
“What is worth it?”
Because evil does not exist now we have the good church and all the good people praying. My sister stays till 3 a.m praying and casting out her sins.
“The devil comes to those who wait and calls out the devils name not in vain.”
“But today in this world there is no sin.”
“We are casting out our sins by doing charity work.”
“Charity begins at home so we are doing very well.”
Who are all these people? What do they do all day is obvious mostly they work in institutions and behave like institutes.
“We are the board members doing the institutes.”
“Yes we do not have any other agenda but that.”
“When we fornicate we do it within the institutes and then when we go home we have the institution of marriage then when we come out we do it within the bound which says go to the shops and do the normal institutional thing. When we do a bit of art we do go to prisons only as a governing body so we have it all sort of sorted.”
“Why you telling me this?”
“I am remarkable that is why.”
“I have been and observed all the manners of social intimacies and have come clean.”
“With a broom?”
“With my pen.”
“To make the world a better living space.”
“Yes of course you need to make and spend time within yourself?”
“Yes I am doing that.”
And most of us we deny our sins and that is why evil does not exist. Because when we deny evil the things which go on do not happen and we can drink ourselves into sallies and say nothing but wit and humour and jest about the town and paint it red.
“Most peculiar.” Said society.
“Most embarrassing moments happen to us we saw it not coming.” Said the caught family.
“Oh anyone seen coming.” He said the most pleasing of the fucked off males.
“What seen what coming?” I ask not enjoying the things called the pleasing asides down the aisle of the shops. I am a shopping addicted to bargains my pockets not bulging.
“Evil comes at the dead of night.” Said the powerful and the great when there is no control over the small.
“But why wait till night fall?” said the impatient evil person called the hooker.
“Why wait why wait we might be caught out.” Said the predatory male as he also said she must be a pole dancer in that manner can be the perfect act do not touch but feast your eyes. He is by the way sat in the living room making eyes at me while the shagged out man in there is sat his back towards it all as if he does not want to see or know. In fact when I mention it he says I take nothing from life-life is good things all round and we must drink and party until the cows come home.
“The cows never do?”
“They do eventually come home.”
“When we turned our side to good and then to bad what does it say about us?” said the text books.
“We are not living in the dead end of the last century we now have a science degree.” Said the educated wives speaking the truth with a science degree we can make gadgets which might do the housework and we even have the kids on digital.
“Look it is all about mathematics.” Said the manager on time management named Mr Brown because he liked to be that commercial and on time.
“Maths?” I ask intelligently.
“Yes two and two add to four and so on.” Said she, “Mary Jane what on earth is the matter with you talking to that shit?”
“What does that mean?” said little mother to us all, “when I can do what I care to do and make the things break the children and do whatever wrongs I like. Who is to stop me when nobody notices because nobody is at home, Abdul come to bed?”
Abdul was the dark olive husband.
“When I say there is now no evil there is no evil.” Sadly we all agreed with the authorities. The authorities could not see anything wrong with it all. A respectable woman a wife a mother what else can one do? My mum said it constantly.
“Must go on having a dinner party to get ready.” Said the social services lady again left us all for the last time because we lived near the bus stop which went straight to her house in Chelsea.
No most definitely we did not live in Chelsea which was a pity. Not that we minded we did not know that Chelsea was not a zoo which we thought it was with high bred animals and all that. Except my sister said it was a cheese which was very difficult to imagine if it was not high bred animals what did the cheese mean?
“Cheesed off.” Said B.
Because nobody is at home to see that I am who I am and nobody has the time to do anything like talk. We all believe in the social services. They do a wonderful service for the criminals. What they do on Sundays is criminal.
“Look they can’t do anything on Sundays because the doctors’ surgery is not open.”
“That is when they have the weekend deaths is it not?”
“Look they are over worked?”
“Of course they are.”
“Look when they don’t work on Sundays and say they do what it tells the human person calling for help?”
“Dial the police.”
“How dare you what will a child say to that when the police drop by and the humans abusing the child would they leave the child to live?”
“Because the thing about child abusers are they are like children and they love to talk and the party only begins because there is a bond between the abuser and the child.”
“Let us cut the crap?”
“Nothing doing the police arriving on the scene is the last resort.”
“But what is the fiend to do?”
“We are all educated now.”
“Yes and we can cover our tracks.”
“We even come out as good doctors.”
“Some of the social workers are into that line too?”
“Of course their incompetence means we have children ringing the child line and breaking their silences.”
“We go online too?”
“We do indeed children are children that is why we do have the others to protect them.”
“We have to.”
“Mother is not at home.”
“Where is your mother?”
“I do not know.”
“Because we have done with it all.”!
We have done a great deal. What deeds we have to do still?
“We have been there conquered Everest and the moon and why waste time on small deeds and micro deeds when they are meaninglessness?” Said the shagged out male.
“We matter too.” I said.
“So the abuse continued?”
“There is now no evil but drunken and bad behaviour when men run down boys as they like to be call themselves.”
“Men and boys together in this social scale count to ten and number the odds how dared we do such a foolish thing? Where is the softening influence when everyone now is a male?”
“Go and fuck yourself.”
“We are living our lives and we no longer want to care or do anything but chin and chin.”
“You mean jaw and jaw?”
“Look I can see some people nodding off there is this huge debate on the neighbourhood watch and we are wretched in this rain and we are saying some unspeakable things about society which we find ourselves in.”
“Nod and wink why not the men do it?”
“Well they are inadequate.”
“You see place a man in a house and he does not see anything his genetic makeup is not the same.”
“Are you insane my dad does everything?”
“Including observe you when you are naughty?”
“Yes he knows me very well.”
“What about your mum?”
“What passed away or passed out.”
“She will not say her mum now works in a genetic lab and is very well able to seek the financial makeover she deserves.”
“And the dad?”
“He has taken care of her.”
“Well that is okay is it not?”
“Nothing like that happens in our quiet town or place of residence. We have the residence speaking out of turn and we gang up on them.” Said the quiet detective they mean they are going to get traffic wardens on the scene so that we can have some space while we walking onto the street from the pavement.
“Look there is now absolutely this attitude problem.”
“No need to socialise all that much there is too much socialising I daresay.”
“We did not mean to harm you.”
“Try talking to me then?”
“Nobody in my family has spoken to me in a number of months.”
“No I daresay they have but she forgets remembers what she wants to remember.”
“Who said it out loud?”
“Look this is a neighbourhood watch and in this neighbourhood nothing ever happens because we have all solved it.”
“Our pavements are cracking because of them cars chasing each other.”
I did not say about the zebra crossing which I had in mind I thought I would save it for later but the moment passed.
“There was a huge lorry coming down when I wanted a burger at the Mac Donald’s hurtled itself and we went to find it left the scenic town centre and went towards the water.
“Yes this is a neighbourhood watch area when nothing is bad.”
The neighbourhood watch is wretchedly trying to save face.
“Even the rain is contained when we are here.”