Just Like Snow White

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Chapter 4

Back to being dyslexic you see it is like having no limb because the semantics is lost on one. The thing is when I became an ass this was brought out in a clever manner. That the thing with being in the English language is everyone wants grammar that the best writers had no troubles with the language and why did I?

It was in the 1980’s when I was wallowing in the misery of being a student without much in the way of time or the wit or the things in the head like codes and conducts to know that I was in the wrong environment to find out with the professors and the professional man and woman who had the right gifts and were making fun of me.

I went to the library most of the time to catch up on my reading I loved that library because I saw books and this and that there was something so beneficial about the whole thing skimming through everything and doing this and the other.

Observing the whole thing was good too because being a writer one must observe even if one does not have the right skills to donate to impart there is something I can say to speak about that might be of interest I thought many times about this something what if there was nothing?

I know I had had a short story in her but what about the rest of my life some said get a life move out and benefit from the flux of life without money or the means of earning money is everyone mad?

You see without a home and money what does a woman have to do in order to earn enough to live on? You see in is better than out indoors one has only a limited number of attempted murders and rapes someone is bound to notice and they do call someone but outdoors there is nothing one is set on fire and someone takes the selfie out and says poor sod and does nothing about it.

Then the photo is sent to all the friendly people who say wise words about the whole thing. Until the police call and they are given some warning even sentencing. But on the whole it is totally unsatisfactory because when they are out and about they are filth and nothing to do with being human so they are swept under the carpet so that we can see nice things. Nice things are people in work and about and talking on their phones.

When someone says to a girl go out and about and do nothing about the sisters at home I got suspicious about this why would a decent psychiatrist say them words to a 19 year old me? Most odd.

Why is everyone pushing me to move out when the room is perfect for me with the upstairs toilet being used in my kitchen and everyone taking my cupboards storage as their food resource? When I wanted to watch television by the Open University the circuits would fuse and I would miss the entire lecture is it not the facts that such things happen to students all the time?

Being dyslexic and this other thing homeless hopeless of forming a new relationship or a reality made me somehow the jerk the enemy of the aristocracy that I am today. You see she could have said nothing and they could have moved on but she hunted me as if I was a fly in order to melt me down.

Being the other fiends who have set upon me there is not much to speak about but the total chaos in my heart. I am chaotic because in my core there is conflict and animosity and this rage. This feeling that if I do not speak out that nothing will change that all this will become the normal behaviour of the new educated criminals. So I had to speak out in order to alert to warn to make others aware of what has been happening.

I am now the partner of nobody but having fun and games there is nothing now to lose everything to gain by being sober and working hard.

I am past middle age almost in my 60th year and this made me matter to myself as my confidence grew as my new life is of being a brand new person with the props and the prospects of being able to stand on my own two feet.

What I am going to do with dyslexia I had said in the 1980’s was not to think about it that it will come to me. The literature A ’levels I studied the things which mattered you cannot do the essays because you are subnormal and they would not allow me to sit exams and that mattered nothing to do with me I did not even notice. I have one A ’level and that is in Turkish Literature.

It is the year 2018, it is the year when I am new and found and alas never to be well again.

Come this is me again backed off from when a child. I don’t know but when a woman reaches her years she comes in and out of the past and present and it goes on.

You see then I am a baby it is most confusing and I was a baby in the 1959. You see how confusions occur when I speak? Coming from a land which had double identities, because we would have starved if we did not have a Greek passport to get to the Greek side and do our shopping fortnightly. We would barter things they liked our oranges and we loved their cheese and meat and bread and all that journey which we all sent to the mail man did not arrive about the war effort about patriotism because as they did say it did not feed their children nor themselves.

So my being this truthful person who rocks the boat all the time meant I was a slight hindrance. Look when I was a baby I was abandoned and this has made me something between a zebra crossing and a crossed out bore.

“Milk?”

A fourteen year old mother does not want to be disturbed by that and that is when I would be burnt. The milk piping boiling hot into my mouth, pleasure yes boiling is good for you. Well your mother did that to you because I was always sleepy said Zeks to me when bringing me up from scratch. That Zeks was a great story in herself I did say that to her she told the most brilliant stories and she would not tell me all she knew upset me considerably.

“Why would she not be involved in the story?”

“Who was her husband?”

“The one who died was her husband who beat her to hell and she had placed in the mental hospital so he had the electric shock treatments and calmed down.”

“Because of the bloody pants which I told and that meant Zeks had to lose one leg in order not to be prosecuted.”

“Because?”

“She could not divorce because Abdul a con man who gambled.”

“Fiddle with the lands.”

“She Fiddled him away.”

“He disappeared disintegrated melted into this senile composite of smelly bad behaviour which sent the world into a frenzy of what to do with this embarrassment what to do with this human indignity?”

“You see his wits left him.”

“He saw two kids at the foot of his bed and it terrified him.”

“One boy and the other girl and he shaken to such an extent asked did you see them do you see them?”

“No?”

“What? Why not you don’t see them large as anything?” asked dad on his deathbed.

“Who are they dad?”

He stayed silent.

That meant he understood what they meant they were coming to get him he sent me away because I startled myself by laughing. I did not mean it to laugh out loud but it just happened. The thing was there is nothing the matter with us is there?

When parents abandoned me because I was difficult and left me with mummy who is very difficult and crazy because most people have run off with her behind them with a gun.

“In Australia they have car chases all the time?”

My mother is the sister of Fiddle. So Fiddle was my uncle.

“Fiddlestick.” Said Z she is against the family secrets being told and shared around. A private individual whose money is tightly stitched in her bosom and she will not divulge her wages or her sins but she will give you bad advice whenever you might need one.

“Most no they do not. Why the potential risk to life and limb would be so great we would not be able to go outside our front door.” Said my namesake and she was a bit of an okay she had just finished doing her business school and behaved well mannerly and reasonable.

In Australia we all were broken into to deal with mummy she said being reasonable and sober and fingering her ring and saying she had to marry.

“Mummy has just lost out on a land deal and it is the 1990’s and she is odder than me or is she?”

“Of course they filthy not respected at all they robbed poor mummy.”

“So no money in poetry?”

“No blessings asunder nothing more.”

“And more blessings unless one does not rhyme then one do not even have the right words for the right sentence.”

“What sentence is that?”

“poverty.”

Mother who hails from Australia having sent her descendent to seek the knowhow and knowledge of what it is to be a member of the intellectual faculty. These were the monsters of domesticated abusers. I know what it is to be proud. What it is to be motherless and without her she is not without the wiles of speaking the truth the true meaning of rejecting ones mother is what the mother says is the true meaning of which one is. If the mother is without sentiment and you are not protected by her what can one do? I mean as Zeks said to me what can I do? It is not my fault is it violence is bad for me and I destroy anyone who is violent towards my person even if he my husband. So in other words it is drop down your high mannerly ways and respect me. Bow down to me and do as you are told. Pardon?

Mother on the other hand who left me from bottle feeding to living her life in the fast lane. Was caught out when she invited two girls to her house to do the work and she would not be doing anything but manage them when they were involved in some sort of chase.

In a car chase and they have a car gun shoot out but nobody is a good shot so nobody is killed or hurt but they all have such good fun doing the thing except the police must have come?

The robbers escaped and did away with the pretence and having their modesty and all that they married with the boys who helped them.

My geography is terrible and I can’t remember which city ma is in. You see it is as if my tongue twists when I say one or the other she must have got it enchanted so that I would never go near her. Melbourne is in Australia so is Sydney mates I am no fool.

I am going into who mother is I think you should know she is nothing to do with this novel.

I think she lives neither in Sydney or Melbourne can’t remember which city but she is so much into enjoying that she has not come down to see me since we spoke on the phone until she grew bored with me and that was that. Her whole attitude to me is she can pick up from where we left off because she has given the life force into me and she does not understand about care and responsibility or those children need a helping hand.

You see she did not have a nurturing relationship with her mother so what do I want with one? She thought that if she stretched me that I would be born and able to deal with life as if on board a ship if you drown then you drown if not then you can swim and are a survivor.

“She dropped me from a motor bike when a child and we have not got on well after that.”

All my family say the same my childhood has lasted more years then most of the others put together so I should obey mothers right and tell no one and seek help and advice for rotting my mother. But my family also must acknowledge that she did something bad and worst then her own mother had done to her.

Mother’s are sacred but what about the way they live and not bring up their babies? You see some animals reject their babies and that must be me and mother. It was done an experiment on Monkeys and the apes that got rejected went to the mother until the mother killed it. You see it is a bit like that with me.

She was not promiscuous? I don’t think so but she had many friendships which was difficult to define and she was a girl who showed herself round too much being friendly and all that. Her whole attitude was what she had to have because she had been brought up on a farm and had not been around.

Daddy gave her the money shipped off to Australia where she knew nobody at all and she has stayed staid and well mannered throughout or she says except there are rumours of foul play here and there. I have recounted some of these and but not all. I mean one has to respect the innocent as well.

“So why is she your mother?”

“We have so much in common.”

“Like what?”

“Well it is a queer situation she gets bored easily too.”

“What else??”

“She has the same type of looks.”

“And?”!

“She is irritating like me.”

“So why is she your mother?”

“I feel I feel some bond.”

“When did it begin?”

“It emerged when I was looking for mother she seemed to be the one and only one with some emotional connection to me someone who has the right gene someone who draws me to her but someone I fear would hurt me the most.”

“And?”

“Someone I hurt too?”

“Is that right?”

“Why yes I did say the farm not fit for purpose that even dogs were to be re-homed.”

“So what has happened?”

“I hurt her and she hurts me and there is this emotional connection.”

“Which with the others there is but there is not much connection because after I leave the room they forget me.”

“What?”

“Yes it is most strange you see they want to forget me as I speak.”

“Why?”

“Because their kids are more interesting to them than I am.”

“So the dogs had to be re-homed?”

“Yes because aunties pulled their ears and put pegs on them it hurt the dogs they would yell in pain.”

“Only a joke?”

“A nasty joke.”

So this doctor this great doctor and a professor went and had to give mummy that entire he had in order to get rid of the embarrassment.

So now mummy is bored or was bored.

He gave her thirty thousand pounds where she married this other man called husband and he now in a wheelchair because she arranged it.

Mother married a man she said older than his years and he did not excite her. You see all the arranged marriages which do not end in divorce are bad. I do not mean that they are all bad but most of them are bad for the couple. Because one does not know anything about the man or the woman one is married to until the documents are signed and sealed.

Mother said he was photogenic and that is what depressed her him looking so good in the photos and not in actual real life.

“A come down?”

“Dead right.”

I know sometimes one can marry into an actress or actor and one is still at sea but most people do marry someone they know and that makes for more chance of happiness. Marry someone who is dearly beloved and marry for the right reasons not to cover up silly odd me. I did not need covering up I was this outspoken fiend and this has cost me dear to write. What does one do with family secrets when they are past fifty odd years?

Mother had been planning this murder for some years she had to use her charms to do it and she had to make sure she not caught out.

“I can’t stand his clumsy hands.”

You see dad as a surgeon did have beautiful steadying calming hands.

She egged her men off some did not accept the offer one or two went away and she fired the rest who did not do as she wanted and asked of them.

“Murder him my husband. It is rape being with that beast clumsy beast every night because of one mistake.”

“I deserve better I deserve best the world because what I gave to him myself I gave my life to that bore.”

“I am not defending myself. I will pay off the cotton and the wool and the merchandise we can then have a divorce and you get half and I get the other half.”

“You see he is waiting still.”

“I can’t be anything anymore be reasonable than that. We have kids to feed.”

“Our fucked up kids what do I want is now here and now.”

“I want passion I want to go dancing I asked for life you gave me death.”

“Mother I live by sin.”

“Go and sit by your bed.”

“Mama-mama there is a huge snake here.”

“Get lost.” Where did the snake come from the whole thing rests in here with the snakes which took eight children to their deaths and led them to the end? But what does it matter when the best of the best is left that is Zeus. The weak shall inherit the earth and let us eat it entire.

“It is fashionable now to hid thieves and vandals.”

“One must not vandalise literature.”

“I was not talking about literature.”

The captain is nowhere to be seen at all. No he is nowhere to be seen and he is not dead and he is not here at all. The sun is blinding me the light is towards me the sea is filled with bodies laughing and there is not much to ask but for God to bring back my captain.

“He looks like everyone else.” Said his wife to me.

“He should not look like everyone else to you?” said some man she was holding.

“But he looks like someone everyman.”

“He is everyman.”

“He is so despicable you would not believe.” She continued.

“Hell let us not worry about him he is sleeping.”

“Let us skinny dive.”

“Let me dip too into the ocean.”

There is a general laughter and appears to be louder and louder as if cascading with the birds there is the blueness of the sky and the captain is worrying that there might be rain he says it over and over this is a hell of a cruise and without the profit margin he had expected the thing was there is nothing a worn out man needs but to go home and put his feet up. He felt the fullness of his forty years as a captain. He was led gently into the engine room and the engine had packed up and he did not have the right tools to do the job nor the right parts. He wanted to know if God was against him that day because he wanted to go home that day. For some reason he did not expect to be home.

Then he shrugged it off there is another laughing sound and he is very much less worried that he could deal with it is stuck up spinsters he cannot. The thing was he sensed the girl had the virginity and he did not want it did not ask it on board his ship a virgin is a virgin and if it was out that he had not fared well on this journey with the goods he might never sail again with the flag.

His pride and joy that he a pirate ship only a joke but the thing was he was a pirate from long line of pirates and they did not leave stones unturned for some silly virgin and a silly man whose wife was a whore. Even though they were rich pickings to be made the wife had asked delicately to be rid of the man but the captain was unsure he did not feel it but he did not want the job.

The thing was he had no idea how to respond he had respect for the kind of man the husband was and the wife and he agreed that some man who do good are not to be killed off. This man was a philanthropist and did well with the world. He was a superior man and he was a good man it is in the hands of the Gods he said to himself it was. The captain was a good patriot and did not do such filthy things for a bitch on heat even though related.

The spinster he found looking at him. He shuddered to look like that without the nourishment of sex was a bizarre thing he loathed the sight of the girl and hoped his daughter’s wedding had gone well. He did not know anything about that all he knew was he had been offered this job on a short term and he was too poor to refuse it. The thing was he did not know what to do about not seeing her wed.

There it went on in his head what to make of it all.

“Tea.”

“Of course we will serve it immediately.”

You see this man who was that rich had offered him twice or even four times the usual amount what else could he have done but accept? His daughter now must be wedded to that boy his choice for her and his wife must be doing the dancing instead of him. How he would have danced if he had been there. He had that sad smile on his face the face of a poor man a man who had fared well done well and behaved impeccably all his life.

The wife called Jane the rich man’s bitch as he too had began to call her was even more beautiful to see than the actress playing her. There she goes again skinny dipping and the dipstick of a husband is again there trying to cover her up. How strange was it not that his wife who lived by the sea never went near the water let alone did all that? When she was a girl Mrs Captain as she called herself went near the sea of course but not since than some women had the sense but not this one. How old was Jane not in the first flash or something maybe in her second bloom? Maybe that is the no laughing matter. There she goes as if the skin diving is the most delicious thing.

Reminded the spinster of the bombshell who walked permanently with a swim suit with her curves out all the time and spoke in a husky manner. She too was in love with someone called a man and she too had the awfulness of having to be on the television five hours daily. Oh what a bore she had the television cameras on all the time but did not expect to be filmed it was reality television gone mad. Thus explaining how much she loved her man and that he was not her husband but they had married secretly. And to be constantly on air otherwise they could not air their undying love for each other. Just like them Jane leading on her mate James.

Then he for some reason divorced her for some reason we doubted that any reason was involved. The thing was this was a mirror image of what was going on in the boat. What else can it be?

The five hours ship journey explained it to me that the man James was unhappy that his Jane was too happy and they did have a wonderful sex life together.

There is always hope I thought there was always this hope but it was hopeless I was a hopeless case. That he could even look at me in his current state and not do anything but say he had made the right choice he must have made the right choice? But somehow he was not happy.

Then he was sick. The sick piled onto the lower deck and landed on the steward’s head and he had to go and behave elsewhere because he saw who had got sick on his head he could not do anything about it. The thing was the wife did not even ask what is the matter darling and did not wait for a reply. She just turned her head away and he said nothing more than that there it was out in the open their marriage now openly hostile to his health. I did not say anything at all there was nothing I could do my hands were tied.

I was too late with my degree and masters on my bucket list I was too late with it all I had ran away from arrangements and all manner of follies. All that which saved him again and again from the likelihood of being embarrassed and now look his wife now making him look like a fool? I had put the bucket list on the shelf because that R asked what did I want before I died and I told them all what I wanted. I want a degree and a Masters. And I got it too. Because of course I was going to die young because I had not done anything like have children or marry so the bucket list was more important than anything else.

And I had made him sick? He looked not sick at all. Just the drink he said it was not the drink not as young as I was he reassured me. Why was he reassuring me his wife came to ask? Come let me cool you down honey she said to him and behind my back she did what she could to make him feel right. Having seen my situation what else was I supposed to do about such behaviour? If I leave him alone she hardly notices him if I stray near him she is all around him. So what I’m I to do?

Stay and fight with her statements of facts and logical she is Diana the hunting Goddess who hunted and would hunt her prey to the ends of the world. What is that about her mother and she shared this joke between them about Diana the hunting Goddess being this God which reminded her of her babe in the class room. No she did not follow me to school she went to the same school to learn the mannerism of the common girls.

Chapter

“I have cooked your goose.” Said mother pleasantly in a manner of speaking I thought she had cooked my goose a long time ago by not allowing me do anything normal or usual for my own age. She was a disaster as a mother I thought at the time but it was more sinister than that. She said it again.

“Do you want to know how I have cooked your goose?”

“No.”

“It is a surprise. Let it be good and let it be good surprise just for our little forever girl.”

“What is the meaning of this leaving her alone?” Dad exploded.

“Oh you here the loving father the loving dad.” said mother to her husband.

“What is it Abdul?”

“Who is it?”

“The other dad is asleep downstairs it is the one who is still able.”

“What is this meaning I have cooked your goose now no more talk like that.” they might be overheard I thought that should bother them.

“Careful.”

“Be most careful sir.”

“Be careful you are a good daughter a good girl.” Abdul said.

“Look how good she is?”

“Very good she is very good but I am to be ill treated is that it.”

“We will soon be free.” Who said that? It must have been someone I did not know where these words came from why did I not listen to my inner self saying the words the worst thing was be careful be careless no longer.

Somehow mother would never be free because Abdul had this gaming urge the moment they were alone together and he would pick all the money and leave.

“You are in danger.”

“Grave danger, be careful.” There Came the words out from the winds into the leaves while I was sweeping the autumn leaves.

It was half two at night and Fiddle went upstairs to find her laughing at her saying she was now a young bitch on heat and should he give her one? And he looked at her with his senile lopsided grin and tried to take her to bed she rushes along with him taking him by the shirt and drags him down the stairs he has unlocked himself out of his room again she screams at me. How does he do such a thing?

“We must fit a bigger lock?”

“They say he might set fire to himself.”

“Oh good.” He said.

Then she rushes out after him again and then I find her with her fingertips round Fiddle’s neck gripping him higher than the chair in his own way Fiddle is now senile and struggling but he is now submerged in urine.

“Fiddle fuck out of my life.” She said to him.

“Make me.”

“Okay mum if you can’t control him let me do so.”

“Leave us alone.” She said aside to me, “Go to bed and do not come down again. I did as I was told.

“You need your sleep you are now a Collage girl.” She said nicely to me. Back to Fiddle as the man who she was still holding by the throat she drops him. “Just out of my life just out; you ruining me.” she added in a temper she had become like this ever since Fiddle had began boosting that he was given sexual gratifications by her by her handling his private parts.

I was in tears what had happened there seemed to be two men in there and none of them made sense to me. One had got so weak and this Abdul seemed to be having a joke he seemed to be the court jester to our tears. Why who let him in.

Then mother began to beseech behind closed doors.

There were recriminations and tears and there was this never ending wailing sound as if she was dying.

“I’ve cooked your goose.” She told me she told me and told me again and again.

“What was the meaning of this what did it mean and why would I think there were two men instead of one?”

“We’ve cooked the goose now we must fatten it.”

“My husband my husband.”

“Don’t touch me.” she said it to her husband. So if that is her husband who does not touch her?

What is it about?

What is it for?

The ship set sail without me and I did not could not find any of the answers to life’s quests and the more I tried and reasoned the less the answers came so I had to leave reason the rational thought then look at it from the point of view of passion. You see I am forgetting passionate love and in passionate love what does happen if I see it from that point of view everything makes sense. In passionate love of course hate murder mayhem happens and this is what it is I thought but as Fiddle does not inspire nothing but contempt that is this other man?

You see honeyed eyes and black eyes whatever did it make mother happy? Then I lost the thread life continued and the answer did not take into shape until many moons later. Dad has died he has died and in his place he left this monumental task you can take whatever but first you must settle the score and the score is to be settled right if not there is wrong. But why did he want revenge on his murdering rival? What mattered to him what he died of when he had lived a relatively happy existence? Well you see he was also a man who had some failings but he went along with it. He knew about this all along he suspected it to begin with than after they tried to kill him and his electric shocks they settled into a trio. That is when it does matter does it not his last words were,

“You two have done me wrong.”

I was not only surprised but astonishingly dumbfounded I always thought I had behaved towards dad with decency and respect but he said the worst words before he died.

“You two have done me wrong.”

“One this little lady, and one you Fats. You have done me wrong robbed me of my life.”

“Dad what did you?”

But he had expired. You see it is too late when you are dead the little speech he left behind satisfied him and mum was not even listening to this talk. She went with the usual rituals of the wife whose husband had just died and that was it. I think the wife afterwards saying love words to a dead corpse and all that in such a manner did sicken me. For a moment because if a husband dying said those words to me I would not be behaving in such a manner. In fact she enjoyed the half an hour singing along of his praises why is she doing so many of the love imagery. It did not work it was not the same couple maybe it was a different film she had seen maybe. It was totally someone else but mother has a perfect memory she does not forgive or forget and there is stubbornness in her that belies her fragile frame. Why does she now think she is saying the words the sly words which told me she has a lover?

“One does not know what happens behind closed doors heaven and hell can happen or nothing ever does.”

“No not your mother imagining things.”

“Do you think that I don’t have any secrets?” It was a long time ago and she only asked that question once. Mother is a very careful woman it is a woman who has been beaten by the system until she bends the system to her own ends. She makes everything work for her. What is her secret I wondered and stayed to seek it out the thing the secret how can a woman trap another woman? You see I am on drugs and slept most of the time worked and slept there is not much else I could do because no company for anyone else. She trapped me there inside that house searching for her little secrets than the fish happened. I know the fish seems stupid does not it? Poison fish the fish of poison the thing which said that little fish looks good tastes good but is poison.

That eating fish can bring the sense of well being and nourishment and melt the badness and give forgiveness back again. But that is what happened to dad who by then having the electric shocks and everything and the fish gave up his wife to Abdul and Abdul became her permanent partner. When one eats those fish one forgets everything it is like a forgotten delicacy which her man brought in when it was a very difficult situation in the old days when she needed nourishment and cheer.

“Did you notice anything?”

“No I did not there was a more amiability that was all.”

“We all have secrets?”

“You what is your damn secret tell me so that I might magic it away. Come let me worm it out of you.”

“Magic mushrooms that’s my secret.”

“She means drugs mummy.” B or Z said but I think it was Z as she is more into drugs than B. B is into wine and drinking it by the bottles.

She knew all the words about love and what has really happened? She said my poor love my husband the father of my children the heart of this and the soul of that. It made me madder than ever that I went and cried at someone’s bosom. I was still crying whenever I saw her, mendacity was such all the images from my childhood came uppermost in my head. Could a mediocrity do such a thing to one because she was such a complex woman and wife and mother? She would do her utmost to destroy us and she would see to it that we had the stages development well planned. For example if one had the brains or the will power one could live very nicely with her.

For example her daughter Z whom as a child was a monster and grew into a monster she said was a great artist and encouraged me to waive my rights of being an artist to her. We each had a set goal if we did not reach it then we were told to do a menial job in replacement to that job. What had happened was really strange it was the beginning of the end of our relationship as mother and daughter.

As I am adopted I adapted very well. It was the beginning of the end of the whole circuit of abuse you see I had been doing the dinners and the gardening the house work and everything and then it was over. The thing was I was over charged for being adopted.

And of course now we had to go on this holiday because we had paid for it. That brought the images which when I was dying my former partner went on his honeymoon with his new wife and that brought it all back. The flashbacks come and go in their own way so emotional that I am crying or try not to. There is in me a sense as if the waves would wash them away. There is not much of me left why not? There is someone there and the moment passes.

“You see the honeymoon was more important than me dying even an employee a good employee deserves better treatment I did not matter anymore.” I did not live in his heart anymore there was no place in his heart for me. That is what they were saying I did not mean anything to him anymore and her triumph complete off they set on their honeymoon. I was not going to become anyone else’s he had said to me and that is what it was about he sat on me stood on me and there was now nothing of me left everyone on that boat having the time of their lives and me not even having a brief encounter. I was enraged.

Holidays are meant for romances and why did I ever come on holidays if nothing happened to me? I asked for it I thought coming on holiday with mum. There she is looking stony as usual and sat at that table looking out of the window to see if I had jumped comes the thought to my head. As if this was also on her mind she moves her gaze. I am totally unable to see the reasonable thing about the whole thing the unreason was beginning to shape in me. I was not going to think about that at all. I had things to do and get on with before mummy could drive me insane.

The death scene as it went was a scene nobody thought difficult or sinister there was nothing but father’s words. The thing was he did not even want to say that but he got enough strength to say those damn words.

“You two destroyed me disobeyed me I am saying these last words that you two are my enemies made me a laughing stock ....Zeks.”

“What dear shall I do something are you uncomfortable.”

“Dad is dying mother let him say something he wants to.”

“Go fetch the doctor.” Said mother to me, I rushed out and left him and her alone for a good five minutes when I returned with the doctor there was nothing there.

“We had a good chat you see.” Said mother to me turns on me as if there is this waiting now she is now waiting to pounce on me. I shake the impression away.

“He is dead. Sorry we cannot do anything anymore.”

“No I don’t think that you did anything for him.” I was that upset I did not know if I said it but she said, “We did everything we could.”

“Yes of course sorry.”

Now most distressingly this thing was happening that mother too was lying that there was a similarity of feeling between the two incidents. I could not place the feeling but it was there how much does your child know about your love life? Who was mother anyway what did she do really why did most people respond to her in a way difficult to explain? As if she was a star or something why did they think she is the perfection of Turkish motherhood?

“There- there,” this is never ending I thought talking about nothing but trivia.

“Let us have another cup of tea this is our last one.” Persuaded mother because she found the weak point in the ship and she had to have her fun that for her was the fun time.

“Dare we the steward will end up killing me.”

“He won’t.” Said mother positively, “Don’t worry I am watching him if he tries anything I will scream my head off.”

I went again and ordered the tea and the steward said something but smiled.

“Look has some beer it is free.”

“We can’t drink beer.”

Then someone jumped overboard. I thought it was him the man but it was not it was not him thank God he came back with the fiend who had jumped overboard just when the boat was leaving just when the boat was leaving. Luckily he was not hurt nobody was hurt what had happened? Not much there was this hushed air the quiet was like everyone had sobered up.

“Was it someone important?”

The captain did not reply.

Don’t give them anymore tea we are leaving he told the steward. The police will be called there will be reports to write there will be the licence put into question everything now out in the open I am done for I am done for. I said the worst thing would happen on such a day too. Never put a spinster on your boat that is the motto of the sea it brings bad luck that was it that was it. He cheered up he would give me one if I asked for it?

“No I don’t do that neither.”

When we were leaving the boat he said what and where is your name I showed him where it was and put a cross on it he crossed my name off the list. If ever there is such a name on board that is what will happen to them. Look he said crossed out I said obediently.

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