Chapter 22 - Break-down
Tuesday, January 10th, 2017
Everything went to hell.
I can’t put it in other words.
I came home after spending hours in the hospital to make sure Calo was going to be okay, but as soon as I came home realisation hit me that he might survive his second suicide attempt, but it doesn’t mean that he’ll be fine.
And I overheard his parents talking about sending him back to North Haven in order to offer him a safer environment.
An environment that doesn’t include any bullies, any triggers from the outside world to push him over the edge again.
And environment that doesn’t include me either.
Not that they mentioned it, but that’s what it would mean if Calo were to go back to North Haven.
I would lose my one true friend.
The one person that accepted me the way I am from the beginning.
Except the part of me that obviously developed romantic feelings for him. He doesn’t accept that part in me, and not in himself.
I jammed again and this time, there was no possibility to sit me down with my psychiatrist, since Dr. Delgado has different things on his mind than a malfunctioning kid that he only treats because it’s his job.
This time, my parents didn’t succeed in getting me out of my room, out of the house and to someone in an attempt to calm me down.
I think I hit my father when he tried to cover my eyes to get me to leave my room while it was still a mess. While the lights were still on and while I never got the chance to take a shower.
I hit him in the struggle to get out of his hold and I locked myself in the bathroom without the intention to leave it any time soon.
I stood under the shower for probably hours in a row, scrubbing, crying, scrubbing again and crying some more, until my skin burned, and some parts even started bleeding a bit.
I don’t want to lose Calo, but I’m the one who caused him to try and commit suicide.
I pushed him over the edge.
I’m a lousy friend.
I’m not just dysfunctional as a person on my own, I fail at being a friend too.
I am still Faulty Favre and I simply don’t know how to change.
I tried everything and even friends, even falling in love did not help me feel strong or happy enough to fight my compulsions. I’m weak, I’m faulty, I should be locked away so I won’t be able to hurt anybody ever again.
To make matters worse, when I woke up today, Pyper was audibly coughing up fluids and mom and dad instantly made an appointment in the hospital.
I found out she was fighting another pneumonia and obviously her antibiotics didn’t help.
She went to hospital with mom and dad stayed home to keep an eye on me.
I allowed him to clean some of the abrasions that my intense shower session caused before covering them up.
During the night, I’ve been scratching my arms heavily and I simply look like a mess.
But it’s my own fault and I think the discomfort and the pain are my deserved punishment for letting Calo down.
Instead of focussing on the fact he does not accept my feelings for him, I should’ve focused on the fact he does not accept his own sexuality.
I should’ve been a friend.
I texted Seino to ask him about Calo and to find out when I would be allowed to visit Calo.
His answer comes in while I’m on the couch, curled up to a ball, watching a movie that I’m not really following anyway.
Seino:he doesn’t want any visitors
Seino:he only accepted seeing Harper and me
Seino:I’ll let you know when he is willing to see you
And it throws me off even worse since I was secretly hoping Calo would want to see me. I kind of even hoped he would onlywant to see me.
Didn’t I calm him down before? Wasn’t I the one who got him to join us to the swimming pool?
The day all things started to go to hell.
I should’ve never kissed him.
I completely misinterpreted the meaning behind his kiss when he wanted to let me in on his ‘biggest secret’.
I’m probably just not made for a friend, let alone a boyfriend, or girlfriend.
“How is he doing?” Mom asks my dad with a worried tone-of-voice. “Did you talk to him? Did he tell you anything?”
“Not a word comes out, Caro.” Even dad sounds defeated and I hate it that I cause them all this pain simply because I can’t stop myself from executing the compulsions that control my mind. “I tried, but he just turns around and ignores me. I’m getting worried.”
“Is he asleep?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.”
I open my eyes, to show them that I’m hearing every word they’re saying and they both stare at me with worried looks in their eyes.
“Neo, honey. Would you like for me to take you to the park? Calm down a bit?”
“She’s staying the night in hospital just to be sure.” Mom sighs while she sits down next to my head, her hand instantly caressing my head. “Let’s get an ice cream and feed the ducks, talk and relax.” She suggests with a soft voice, while dad sat down in the chair that I can see, leaning forwards to look at me.
“If you and your mother go to the park, I’ll go get some groceries and make you your favourite dinner,” dad suggests, and for a second I feel bad about ignoring their offers to help cheer me up. But then I remember that I’m a failure anyway so it shouldn’t be a surprise to them that I disappoint them.
I tend to do that more often.
“I’m not hungry.” I ignore mom’s suggestion, and turn down dad’s offer.
“You need to eat something, sweety.”
“I don’t need to do anything.” I snap, pushing myself up and away from her hand to soothingly caress my head. “Why don’t you two just let me be!? I’m not even worth the trouble. Go visit Pyper, make sure your one functioning kid gets all the love she needs…”
“Stop it.” Dad calls out louder then I am shouting. “We love you and Pyper equally and to us, you are worth everything.”
“Neo, honey, we love you so much. To us, you’re perfect the way you are. We just want you to be happy -,”
“But I’m not happy!” I call out in anger. “I hate my life, I hate having OCD, I hate everything! -,”
“I’m a failure and I can’t even keep a friend! I can’t even leave a room or enter one without acting like a freak-,”
“And it’s just what I am! A faulty freak and I hate it! And I hate you guys for trying to make me believe it’s not a problem because it is a problem and it ruins everybody’s lives and now Calo doesn’t even want to see me…” The rest of my words are lost in the sobs that escaped and the moment of weakness is used by both of them to hug me tightly.
As much as I fight for them to let go, the screaming in anger, the tears, they refuse to let go until I’m a weak sobbing mess and I have no energy left to fight them anymore.
“I’m done. I can’t… I don’t know how to go on.” I admit in a hoarse, weak whisper.
“Don’t say that, Neo.” Mom whispers with a hand cupping my cheek to force me to look at her. “Never say anything like that ever again. Don’t you for a second believe you’re a freak, or faulty. You’re not a problem and we love you no matter what.”
“I don’t want to anymore.” I repeat even weaker. “I want out.”
“We won’t let you give up. We’re just going to have to help you more. But in order for us to be able to help you, you need to tell us what you need.”
“I need Dr. Delgado,” I whine, new tears starting to pour out as it reminds me about Calo, his suicide attempt and the fact he doesn’t want to see me. “I want to see Calo.”
“Then we’re going to make sure we get you with Dr. Delgado as soon as possible and we’ll keep contact with them to see when you can visit Calo.” Dad pats my back carefully.
“And you’re going to stay home for the week, because you need time to process this, and get yourself some much-needed rest.”
Monday, January 16th, 2017
Calo’s absence has been talk around school, but since I wasn’t there either so was my absence.
And the fact we had been fighting right before disappearing.
And nobody seems to know what happened last week.
And then there’s the fact that I feel like a zombie because Dr. Delgado raised my dose of medication after a conversation over the phone with my parents and even a shorter conversation with me.
And I feel numb because I forced myself to distance myself from the whole situation right after I overheard my parents talk when I was in bed.
They are doubtful if they should temporarily commit me to a psychiatric hospital for my own safety after I repeatedly told them I didn’t want to go on anymore.
I can’t be locked away right now because then it would definitely be impossible for me to see Calo.
Off course, Jimmy and Luke notice my deteriorating state and they jumped at the opportunity to taunt me even more as if they were lions jumping a prey after starving for days.
I need Calo by my side now more then ever and then again, I know it’s my own fault he isn’t here with me right now and this is probably just a result of ignoring my compulsions due to lack of interest after our fight.
This is what happens when I don’t listen to the need to execute obsessive compulsions.
“What’s wrong Neo? We know you’re faking it.” Jimmy pushes me as I watch lifelessly towards the table they put in front of the door, preventing me from jumping over the first part of the floor behind the door. I manage to not step on the wrong spot, stepping diagonally into the classroom, still not hitting the spot.
“Did he just ignore me?” Jimmy asks Luke, as they push aside the table, following me towards my table.
I look down towards Calo’s empty table for a couple of seconds, again getting a push.
“Hey, are you deaf?” Luke shouts into my ear, making me wince. “Answer me!”
“What?” I look at him confused, missing the fact he asked a question in the first place.
“Where’s your fag friend?”
I swallow hard, staring at him, taken aback by his harsh tone.
“Off course he had to be a freak too, for wanting to hang out with you. And he is,” Jimmy hisses into my ear. “He’s a freak, you’re a freak. You’re a perfect fit for him. Is that why you’re upset? Because he left?”
“Shut up.” I snap at them, pushing Jimmy away because I’ve had it with him being in my face. “Just shut the fuck up.” I push him again, dropping my bag to the ground. Luke is quick to step in between me and Jimmy, but I simply push him aside, threateningly stepping towards Jimmy again. “Do you have any idea what your twisted mind causes for trouble? What gives you the fucking right to treat people the way you treat me?” I ask, using a tone to tell him I demand him, I dare him to answer my questions.
“Ooh, the freak is freaking out!” Jimmy sneers, but again stepping backwards and away as I step closer.
And then my fist already collided with his face and I don’t know who of all the 25 students in the room is most shocked.
Jimmy whimpers, covering his nose, that started bleeding instantly.
“Call me a freak one more time…”
“Get your fucking hands off him! Faulty Favre!” Luke calls out in anger, pushing me away from Jimmy, who is still seemingly a bit shocked, in pain, and maybe a bit dizzy – as he decided to sit down against the wall, holding his head with his free hand, while keeping his nose pinched shut.
I slap Luke’s hands away as he tries to grab my collar and when it doesn’t work, I knee him between his legs.
’God fucking damn it!” He cries out while covering his crotch.
There’s a raging anger growing inside me and I think it has been growing for weeks now. It’s as if there’s no boundaries in my mind and I just lost it. And every bit of pain, anger, sadness, comes out in the form of hitting Luke; over and over and over again.
At least, until Jimmy and Hector manage to pull me away from Luke, who is crying out in pain, his face a mess, bruises probably all over his upper body.
And as I look towards him, trying to catch my breath, I feel no remorse. He deserved it. He had it coming.
And I don’t care about the consequences at all.
So when Mrs. Tilly hurries inside, shocked to find Hector and Jimmy still holding me back from further attacking Luke, I’m not surprised at all when she sends me to the principal right away.
I pull out of the arms that hold me back, snatch my backpack off the ground and purposefully step on Luke’s hand as I leave the classroom with my head held high.
Now all I have to do is convince Mr. Jameson to not expel me.
I bet he’s eager to get rid of me, so this will be a challenge. But I just know they’re going to call my parents and I bet they will not just accept the expelling me, while they’ve done nothing to stop the bullying for years.
They’ve done nothing to help me. They simply avoided the problems by excluding me from P.E. instead of finding a way for me to be able to join in without worrying over lines. They could’ve allowed me to shower in the disabled bathroom in the same external building that has a flat floor instead of tiles.
They could’ve picked museums that I can visit for any of the numerous excursions classes go to during the years.
They’ve done nothing. They never heavily punished Jimmy and Luke, not for name-calling, not for taunting, not for hitting me multiple times.
So, if this will mean they are going to suspend or even expel me, I will file official complaints, I will sue their asses and I will win.
I will take file a report against Jimmy and Luke and I will make this stop.
I will end this torture and today is where I draw the line and I know I need to start the change.
And then I’ll prove to Calo that we can beat the tormentors and we can still be friends.
And then I won’t have to be alone again.
I just need Calo with me and then I’ll be fine.