Chapter 27. Roller Coasters vs. Merry-Go-Rounds
“Let’s talk about Alex and you,” started Ruby before I even had a chance to sit in my favorite chair in the den.
Do we have to? I felt like asking her, but chose to remain silent.
“Yes, we have to,” she replied, using her empathic abilities as she usually did when I didn’t respond to her.
“What? Are you psychic or something?”
“Psychic, no. Know you, yes. You and Alex are very close right now.”
Not giving her any more information than I needed to, I’d just make her work for it. “It’s nice,” I replied.
“You feel secure when he’s with you?”
“Yes, I’ve always felt safe with Alex.”
“I think you appreciate the security you have with him more than you actually love him.”
“You’re wrong. I’ve loved Alex for a long time. Before I even started working for him.”
“You’re confusing fantasy with reality again.”
“You have no idea what restraint it’s taken me not to tell him or what it was like at that interview. I didn’t know who was interviewing me. I was shocked when I walked through the door and saw him.”
“Well, you must have held it together pretty well then?”
“I guess so. He didn’t like me though. I could tell right off the bat that I wasn’t his type.”
“Why didn’t you try to seduce him?”
“I felt out of my league with him until his heart attack.”
“Ah yes, the bikini bribes. You could have slept with him then.”
“Your Prozac doesn’t exactly let one ‘get into the mood.’”
“If you could have bested Bianca in the bedroom, he would have been yours. After all, he was only keeping her for sex, right?”
I said nothing. I hated how she saw through me and wouldn’t let me get away with my own justifications for my behavior.
“Whatever, that’s not how it was. I don’t even like sex.”
“Well, that I can understand. You were taught to hate it. Your sexuality was shamed and seen as wrong. Your giving into your father was against church law and the social mores that we cling to in this society. But that was the only time your father was good to you, wasn’t it?”
“It was the only time he ever paid attention to me.”
“Alex pays attention to you without sex.”
“Alex worries about me.”
“Do you like his attention?”
“It’s been nice, but a bit tiring too. I just want my life back so I can be a real person again and we can return to how we used to be together.”
“You want to bury yourself in the foundation to regulate and manage your life so when you emerge again, you can return to your life of manipulating others.”
“I think you need to quit making assumptions regarding something you know nothing about.”
“Is that so? If it were a fabrication, Megan, would you be sitting there like a mad hornet like you are now?”
I shook my head and sighed.
“Have you ever read St. Euxpery’s The Little Prince?”
“Yes, in college.”
“I want you to think of him up on that moon for a minute. Like that Little Prince, you could either shut yourself away and not have anything to do with anyone so you won’t get hurt again, or you can learn how to live amongst others. It gets mighty lonesome as the Little Prince realized. But what he realized about the importance of others in his life, Megan, is most important. ‘What is essential is invisible to the eye.’ While you would like to shut yourself off from everyone until you can forget all that you endured, become a recluse to your work because, in your opinion, it’s the only thing you do right; you would only stunt your recovery--stagnate it in fact. What you mutually give and receive from others is what will help you grow and heal from this trauma. But girl, I swear you love those roller coasters way too much.”
“They’re a lot more fun than the merry-go-round,” I replied, tired of this session already.
“More dangerous too. More chances to control those who ride it with you, more chances to get hurt, and then jump off when you can’t take it anymore. It’s okay to get off of that roller coaster when the ride comes to a complete stop. I see that’s where you are now, Megan, at a complete stop—when the ride is over. It’s time to walk on planet Earth and be all right being elbow to elbow with the rest of the crowd. The choice is yours. Get off the roller coaster or stay on it, but you got your chance now, so don’t blow it.”
“Yes well, we have work to do. You heard Alex last night. He wants to love—did you hear him say love—last night, Megan? He was talking about you. Alex wants to love a whole person, not one that’s in pieces. It’s up to you, Megan. It’s all up to you. Only you can choose to step off of that roller coaster. Only if you want to.”
“I do,” I replied, rather softly, trying not to look at her.
“For him and for me.”
“Okay, I think I’ve given you enough to think about, haven’t I?”
“Yes, can I go now?”
“Check in at the office and then up to bed. I believe its nap time.”
Damn it, that torture didn’t last a half hour, but I doubt I could have stood any more at that point.