I hear the door close and lock with the familiar click that I was too stupid not to hear the first time. Exhaling sharply, I turn to face Josh. With his arms crossed over his chest and a stern expression on his face, I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose.
Fuck my life right now.
There was no point in lying. They clearly spoke to one another and figured out what I was doing. I walked to the kitchen and opened the top cabinet, dragging the bottle of Grey Goose, I poured myself a shot. Tipping my head back, I let the liquid burn down my throat and warm my chest.
“What’s going on in that pretty little head, love?” Jason advances towards me, a sinister look upon his face. I shake my head and pour myself another shot. I take that down just as fast as the first. Jason stops in his tracks but tilts his head, assessing my every move.
“What exactly did you feel when you got that call? A call telling you I was hurt, that I was possibly dying?” Josh spoke to the right of me.
“She was upset, really upset” Jason answered for me. I watched Jason, his wheels were turning. By now, I could tell you what his every expression meant. In this moment, I had no clue what was in his dark mind.
“Why?” Josh sneers “When Jason asked if you regretted it you said, no. You asked him if he covered his tracks, for fucks sake!” he took a step forward “Why cry for a man you wanted killed? Answer me, Skye!”
My face contorts, the vodka and my emotions colliding inside me violently. A sob wracks through me and I cover my mouth to muffle the sound of pure torture coming out.
“You can drop the act now, Skye” Josh sighed annoyed.
“My heart hurts, it hurt so bad at the thought of you...” my voice wavers and I cover my mouth once again to trap the sobs.
“Then why did you say you didn’t regret it?” Jason raises his brow at me.
“What was I to say, Jason? Yes? It was too late for regrets, he was hurt, he was possibly dying and it was all my fault. Oh God, it was all my fault” I broke down again. My entire body shook with my heart wrenching emotion burning inside me.
“So what? You take back what you said to the both of us?” Josh runs his hand through his hair, frustration clear on his face.
“Yes! Yes, I take it all back. I should have never said all that, I should have never asked either of you to do such vile things. My anger clouded my judgement, I was still so mad at the both of you. Forcing me to be with the both of you, forcing me to be here and act like it’s my home, taking me away from my Dad and friends. I hated you both so much for what you put me through. The mental, physical and emotional torture. It broke me, it really did. You’ll never truly understand what you both put me through.” my throat was raw. I was straining my voice to let it all out but I just couldn’t stop sobbing at the same.
I cried because I was afraid for Josh.
I cried because I was afraid for Jason.
I cried because I was afraid for myself.
I was an emotional idiot and that made me cry even harder. So weak. But I can’t help it, they make me weak, they’re my weakness.
“I saw how jealous you bother were when I was with each of you and I used that to my advantage. I knew either of you would have done anything to be with me and me alone. So I tried to use the both of you, to get rid of the other” I sighed.
I panted, trying to catch my breath from my rant and crying. I ripped some paper towel from the dispenser and wiped my nose.
“I’m sorry, for everything” I whispered looking down at the kitchen counter. I just couldn’t look at them anymore. I was too ashamed.
Sighing, Jason took a few steps forward. “What about now?”
“Now?” my voice trembles
“Do you still want to get rid of us?” his voice had dipped. It’s low and raspy and it brings goosebumps to my entire body.
“No,” I shake my head looking up to him, tears pooling in my eyes and my bottom lip trembling. “all I know is that my heart hurts. It feels shattered knowing that you’re slipping away from me” I gaze into heated pools of hazel. “Knowing you’re both slipping away from me” I look to Josh and see ice blue eyes watching me carefully.
“And you what? Expect us to gather you in our arms, tell you we forgive you and everything goes back to normal?” Josh steps closer.
“No” I whisper shaking my head slightly.
“Then what, what do expect us to do?” Jason asks. They both begin to advance on me, like predators cornering their prey. The only difference is, this prey wanted to be devoured by these predators, she deserved it after all.
“Hate me” I whisper now that they were an arm length away.
“What?” they both speak in unison, furrowing their brows.
“Hate me, despise me, loath me. I deserve it. I don’t deserve your love, the unconditional love you have shown me but I was too blind to see. I deserve any punishment you give me, I’ll take it, all of it, whatever it may be” I begin to sob once more.
“Skye,” Jason sighs and pulls me into his chest. I fist his shirt and let my torturous emotions spill from every pore. “we could never hate you, when you will you understand that we love you. We love you so much, baby”
“It was hard to get over what you guys put me through before. I just believed you didn’t care or love me. It was just a game to the two of you, and I was just the toy”
“So are we to believe you love us now?” Josh asks.
I turn my head, pressing my cheek against Jason’s chest so that I could face Josh “I was never lying about that, Josh. I do love the both of you.” I rest my chin on Jason’s chest to look up at him “I love Jason because he is my first true love” Jason’s eyes shine down at me, the corners of his mouth curving slightly into a smile. “And I love you,” I press my cheek back against Jason’s chest “because you were my goofball” I chuckle. “You are my light, the one to always make me laugh and keep me on my toes for a quick witted comeback” I smile softly. Josh’s features soften for a brief moment before they hardened once again.
I pull away from Jason reluctantly and wipe my face with my hands. Taking in a deep breath, I look between them and lick my dry lips “I deserve any punishment you see fit and I will accept whatever you both decide. I will abide to any rules you set forth with no complaints and I will be at your beck and call if you choose. I need to prove myself to the both of you, show you how much I love the both of you and most importantly, show you how much I need you in my life. I’ll do absolutely anything for the both of you to stop looking at me like that. I don’t want you to feel like I’m spinning my words, saying what you want to hear, or that I have something else up my sleeve. I need and want the both of you and I will do anything to keep you in my life. I really do love the both of you, with all my heart” my voice cracks at the end.
With another deep breath, I walk out of the kitchen and into my room. I slip under the covers and cry myself to sleep.