Mother Mary

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Chapter 10

i just don’t want to get into trouble

you worry too much lonnie says and now he sits facing the light setting behind the hills and building rooftops on the other side of the river there is no shadowthe light is on his face and his skin is bleached like the tile on a clean bathroom floor

see he says you worry too much you’re always worryingyou worry about everything that happens to you all the timeit’ll drive you to the loony bin some day if you don’t relax

the sun is warm

he puts his hand on my chest and pushes me down

i want to shout and to scream but what will i say

lonnie says to relax he says not to worry for once in my lifelonnie says i can trust himhe puts his lips on mine and i feel his hot breath against my face and i feel his hands covered in dirt all over my dressi see the stains in my mindthis will take all morning to cleanlord in heavenforgive us now and in the hour of our deathforgive us

i lay on the ground and try to breathe and then i hold my breath and hope it is over but it is not over lonnie has one knee on my left and another knee on my right and his shorts are offmy dress is upjust relax he saysdon’t have to say a wordi’ll do everything

i can’t breathe as he leans against me with the muscles of his chest he leans over me still in the light for a momentthe light behind him turns him into a silhouette without relief with the light behind him burning my eyes until i see spots and halos dancing around his blackened figureand then comes the pain for the first timehe groans and there is more pain

i am torn and i feel the warm trickle of blood on the side of my leg

i hold my breath stop i thinkstop i thinkthis will take forever to come cleanmy dress is ruinedthere’s blood everywherewhat’s the matter with mary aliceis she dyingeverything’s going to be fine

blessed art thou and blessed is the fruit of thy womb i amthe ketchup and the yolk mix and look like bloodeat up mary alicei won’t be late to church on account of you i am

and the trains rumble over head while the air comes up from the empty steam beneath the empty city i am

the young black boys sweat and glisten and their arms hang crooked in mid-air motherfuckernigger who you calling nigger motherfuckerwhat happened mary alice the water diluted from father’s hands twisting down the drain i am

the shadow the lightthe painthe bloodthe dirt beneaththe shadow cries and pulls awayi am

empty

he rolls away

emptied out onto my leg

the sun is warm on me i am

still

lonnie says are you alright are you okaycan you movewhat’s the matteroh shitwhat the hell are you alivei didn’t mean toi mean i just meant to jesus christwhat the hellgod damn it all

i am still

i’ll go get someone lonnie says you want me to get someonemary alice can you hear meshit you’re bleeding like crazyyou okayis something wrong with youi’m going to get someone

lonnie’s feet pound on the dirt and he runs away

is mary alice dying again i hear the girl they call my sister sayand my eyelids flutter open again and this time i see three in the light above the cold hard tablethere is the shape of my motherhis hand is on my foreheadshe’s clammy he saysshes sweating like crazy but she’s cold

and there’s the dark figure of my mother in the light too her golden cross hangs from her neck just out of the light she’s had a shocki knew we shouldn’t let the girls go down to that park alone she says and she grabs the cross kisses it with her shadow lips and slides down into the front of her dressin her stomach is the one who she wants to be my brotherthe one they want to call johnhe’s in thereswimming in a sack of water in her stomachone day he’ll come he’ll crythey’ll put him in a blanket and call him john

that’s my daddy next to the man i don’t know the stranger who says god almighty if anyone didn’t need this sort of shock it was this girli just can’t believe what’s happening in this neighborhoodi can’t believe this happened in this neighborhoodi remember the stranger says as he looks into my eye with a metal tool when we used to be able to leave our doors open at night and walk anywhere we wanted to damn itsorry i didn’t mean to curse in front of the girl

she can’t hear you my mother says will she be alrightdo you think she’ll be alrighti mean will she come out of it this timewill shei swear there aren’t enough rosaries in the world for this girl and her spells

my fathers hand is on my hair and he whispers just to relax and i know he’ll put me in the cold water later and he’ll hold me against his chest like he always does and then he’ll dry me off with a towel and i’ll be warm where the light hits me and he’ll put me on my side of the room and he’ll tell me that everything will be fine just fine you’ll see

it was quite a shock the stranger says it may take a little bit longer than usualto come out of this onewe could put her in the hospitalif you wantso we could keep a closer eye on her

oh no my mother says she’s not going to one of those places not one of my childrennot into one of those places

because they’ll never get clean after that she thinks she’ll never be able to get the stink off thenthe smell of bleach and ammonia they have in the halls of those placesthe smells of nurses who smoke and the soap they use on the sheets in those places

because i was made in gods image and i am what god made me and i was made to love him and to adore him my father’s hand was on my shoulder and squeezes me gently and i know he’s there and he’ll put me in the water later

does anyone know exactly what happened the stranger asksdid you go to the police or anythingdid you have anyone look into iti’m sure they could get to the bottom of this if you did

oh no my mother says no one is going to look into this she’ll be finenothing else will happen to her

because i am still and there is that light up there and there is that table beneath me and i am still and if i do not move then i cannot do and if i do not do then i can not fall and if i do not fall my dress won’t have to be scrubbed all morning until it gets clean again because i am still everything will be fine from now on

didn’t lonnie say anything when he came and got you my father asks and he puts the back of his hand on my forehead and says no fever her fever is down

my mother says thank god lonnie found her there or god knows what else would have happened thank god he was looking for her or who knows where she’d be right now

because lonnie says to relax he says not to worry for once in my lifelonnie says i can trust himhe puts his lips on mine and i feel his hot breath against my face and i feel his hands covered in dirt all over my dressi see the stains in my mindthis will take all morning to cleanlord in heavenforgive us now and in the hour of our deathforgive us

because i lay on the ground and try to breathe and then i hold my breath and hope it is over but it is not over lonnie has one knee on my left and another knee on my right and his shorts are offmy dress is upjust relax he saysdon’t have to say a wordi’ll do everything …

The Journals

Fuck you L & the horrible

memories from the past

I have many good memories

& bad as well many marriages do but this

medical is overwhelming

and I must stop it for now

so now Dr. Lynne I’m in control.

Check out bicycle shop in village (wide seat) or take off

stationary bike.I want love and a hug so badly, but cant

get up early enough & dearly want my family to call and

check on me.That’s why I want to go to New Jersey but

must see Mom & Dad before it gets too hot.

Go next week & stay a day or two?

Today was an interesting day. I’m sure C and A will have Mexican food with L on Sat.The beginning of our new lives together and I’ll be going out w/ them for Mother’s Day.This separateness is tough.But it will work in the long run.I’m hot – let the house get too warm.Yuck.It will be better some day.I guess.Must sell the house.

this process is tough & the insomnia is not good.

i’ll go see peter lichtenstein.

I’m very angry and having a hard time being alone. This is a rough phase of life and very lonely one.

Fuck you Lonnie and the horse you came in on. You are out of your mind & have a very active disease – I hope you took a good look @ Tom Shields last nite in his coffin.A really good look.

I have a $200

emergency fund & don’t

like confrontations.

My adrenals are shot &

I need to vent more often.

Why is my credit card cancelled?

I don’t know?

This machine works great.

Lonnie

Mary,

I am putting this in writing because I want these issues discussed next time we see Ron.

Talking one on one does not work.

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