Mother Mary

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Chapter 17

christy just listen to me i’m your mother i know what’s best for you you have to trust me i know what’s best for you and you were there you heard the doctor he told you you had to take this purple medicine but the doctor said it’s not supposed to taste like that he said it’s supposed to taste good and all it does is make me sicki don’t wanna be sick all the time and that medicine just makes me sick

and christy nearly killed me with his big ugly head pushing through me splitting me all over again and this time i never got back again and you will bring forth your children in pain my mother told me after the first one and my father was standing there on the side of the bed with a cold rag in his hand that he kept dipping in a steel basin for more cold water and dripping it over me and my mother just said that’s the price for bringing life into this worldnothing worth anything comes for free she said if it were easy if there were no pain there would be no sin ityou have to mark the day with the blood and the pain for it to mean somethingthat’s the only way you live on is through the next generation of giving up what you are what you have to something else to making someone or something else out of what you’ve been given she said otherwise you just drift through this life and disappear someday and die as if no one ever knew youthey throw you in some common grave without so much as a tear at your graveis that what you wantdo you want to just disappear and have everyone forget that you ever drew a breath

The Journals




Happy B’day to

the Sway-Back

from Way Back

from your

Fucking faerie

of 40 years!

We’ll always be 2




Call re:

Brother Jean (Sonea)

Call re: VoiCeS





A Letter

Hi you and I know each other from Anita Ferry’s Office. I’ve become friendly with your ex wife since your separation.And, know some of the heartaches she has been going through with her life in regard to money.You could tell me to butt out and I would agree with you.But, your former wife and I have become to close.

All I can say is a woman who has been with you over forty years and now applying for Food Stamps and SSI, I think it sucks. You would not believe what she has been going through with accepting food from church, accepting money from her friends don’t you think your X has pride.You better believe she does and this is eating her up alive.

I know you love her and I hope you won’t allow this to go on much longer. I have been divorced since 1981 and I think I have some experience.It’s not easy for either one of you.I broke contact with my X only four years ago.It is ugly but I’m sure you have a great deal of pride also.So, I am sure you will do the right thing.

Also what your son Christy is doing to her is despicable I hope you will do something to rectify what is going on. (Christy left not giving Mary or any of the family any information regarding his move.Mary wrote to your son and daughter-in-law on numerous occasions asking to see her grandchild.She also wrote Christy asking what the problem was betweenhe and her.No response from Christy or Ashley.Ashley, returned pearls Mary had given her for the wedding and Christy’s baptismal outfit.)What a slap in the face and why?Your wife deserves to enjoy the pleasures of her Grand Child, it would be nice if you did something about this.Nobody should ever be treated like this especially a mother.What could Mary have done?She gave him life and now “illness” disallows any contact to be made with Anna?Please answer this question cause she is suffering very much.

Mary asked Ron (2 weeks ago to provide Christy’s address from you to her). And, I am sure he never told you anything.

I apologize for your big mouth. I can’t take anything more for her sake.

My sincerest Apology.

L ---B------

Let’s try to give Mary a Merry Christmas.

Best wishes to you for the coming Holiday.

Mother Mary

… i am still and my father is dripping cold water over my headhe’s always therewant to lie still and let the cold water wash away the hot sweat the swellingi want pills to take away the pain i do not want to move

it’s your duty to multiply my mother says and then she said it’s different after the first one after the first one you’re all different it’s as if you don’t even feel the pain anymorethey just come out of you.

and they go away i think they come and they go awaythe only way you can know them is if you can lay hands on them like i lay hands on lonnie some nights when it’s very hot in the old apartment and i can feel the hair on his chest damp and his neck oily with musk perspirationthat’s the only way you can know they are there why why do i need to know all this why do i need to know how they feel and what they do i don’t have any girlfriends yet yes but you’re coming to that age when you just might be in that situation okay mom what do we do nextwhat do we do now that we’re marriedwell you put your hand right over here see it’s your wedding nightand i wouldn’t want you to go out there and not know what to dodon’t you ever get any thoughts about girlsyou must have some thoughts about girlspretty little girls in your classwhy what do you meandon’t back away the way you know the earth i think when you play by the river and you squeeze earth through your hands and it gets on your fine white dress and then you scrub it all morning until your hands burn with bleach and your nose stings christy just listen to me i’m your mother i know what’s best for you you have to trust me i know what’s best for you and you were there you heard the doctor he told you you had to take this purple medicine but the doctor said it’s not supposed to taste like that he said it’s supposed to taste good and all it does is make me sicki don’t wanna be sick all the time and that medicine just makes me sick or the way when you’re a girl i think to myself as my father drips more cold water over me the way you want to know a bug and pick it off the black pavement and squeeze it until the hard shell snaps and the white guts squirt over your fingersthat’s the only way you can know that they are therethat you are with them that they are and that you aresqueezing and crushingotherwise it’s only the words they say to each other like good night sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bitei love you but those are words that echo in the room in the darkyou only know i think to myself until you know the pain of hearing them scream for milk and denying it or begging not to be sick and denying it or having them beg to never be touched again and denying itthat is and nothing else is now and in the hour of our death

but my mother kept saying that children are the joy of the world what are we supposed to be she says just stop having kids and let the world just fall apartjust leave the world empty so when we die it diesno the lord said to go forth and multiply so that this world will be full of catholic soldiers

then lonnie shot himself in the foot when he saw the soldiers falling off the edge into some big pit

after the second one she could only say the lord was what he had made him but by god he was an ugly child

and i just said he wasn’t my little girl

we were in the house by the time the third one came oh come on you must see something you like there must be something you like herecome on in the tubgo ahead no one is hereif no one is here then no one will know and if no one knows thenwho cares righti care mary he said and went to pull up his jeans but i told him it didn’t matter if we didn’t matter that is if we just didn’t say anything if we just got in the tub together and did what we felt like doingbut i’ll know he kept sayingi’ll knowi’ll know and i’ll never be able to look at lonnie in the eye again not the same way and we bowl together every tuesday night for christ’s sakeoh christ has nothing to do with it and my name is maire not maryno one says it right why doesn’t anyone say maire the way it’s supposed to be said and mary all the time and i just hate that mary alicemary alice mary alicemary alice and her stunned innocence as if this world wasn’t full of blood and being split open for the world to seemary alicemary alice and her god damned white glovesjust get in the tubbut i have to be home he kept saying my wife he kept talking about his wife and i said that she wasn’t here so it didn’t matter so who cared if it didn’t matter she wasn’t here with us and if she was she’d be in the tub probably anyway but i told lonnie i didn’t know how it happened and he just said that it was impossible since he’d been away on business for weeks at a time and in between i wouldn’t even touch him saying that my back hurt too much or my eyes were crossing or my head was bad or my stomach was offthere was always some excuse he said so how the hell did i end up with another kid if it wasn’t some other man

was it just another god damned immaculate conception or something lonnie saidis that what i’m supposed to thinki’m supposed to think it was just the hand of god come down and blessed you with another child

that’s it do you see anything you like any thing you want because if you do just go ahead and take it lonnie’s not here but he’s a madman mary and i don’t want him to kill me oh hell i tell him what kind of man are you you can have a woman right here and right now and she’s practically begging you and here you are dickering and debating over whether or not you should get into this nice hot water with hercome on now take those jeans back off and be a man for once

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