Mother Mary

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Chapter 19

i hear lonnie say behind me mary i told you you should come inside you’ll be sick in no time out herecome onand i feel his hand on my shoulder he’ll put a cold rag on my forehead and just tell me to stay still just to be quiet not to worry your mother so much just to stay on my side of the room and be good just be good and still for a while and everything will be fine he’ll tell me and then he’ll leave me to look out the window into the sun until the light goes hazy and my eyes cross and get so still people come up and talk to me and i can hear but don’t movemy father can tap my face and i can hear his voicehe can splash me with cold water and i stay stilli can hear my mother sayingdear goddear lord what’s with this girli can hear her saying our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy nameand my father holds me limp over his shoulder and i hear the water from the faucet hitting the bottom of the tubthy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven i hear my mother saying and then i hear christy saying he thinks i am having one of my spells

shit i hear lonnie say not again

he shakes me and i move because he has moved me not because i move and when he stops shaking me i am not moving i am in the black water breaking apart

come on christy i hear lonnie say we’ll have to carry her in and call the hospital to come get her again shit



You mean well I am sure, but you have two ears full of the same side of a very long story. You have no idea what has gone on in the last ten years or so, not only with me, but with my sons, my family, Mary’s family, and all our former friends.

Just a smattering of items …

Did Mary talk about her malicious phone calls and conversations with our friends and neighbors, my family, her family, our sons and daughter-in-law? For example, did she mention that she told my sister that I could not come to the phone because I was too drunk and had been abusive all day?Luckily, my sister insisted I get on the phone and found out otherwise.

Did she mention calls to my late mother about my supposed terminal alcoholism, sexual deviancy, and abusiveness – calls behind my back that I didn’t know about until my mother was dead? Unfortunately, I didn’t have the chance to resolve that with mom.I don’t know what was in her head when she went to the grave.

Did Mary say anything about where a couple of hundred thousand dollars in home equity (two homes by the way) and credit card balances went before we were divorced?

Did she say anything about the $140,000 in back taxes and debt she left me with? That translates to $2,000 a month for the next five years.Let me know when she wants to help with that.

Did she relay that my business has gone from billing several hundreds of thousands a year to a fraction of that? That, in addition to crushing debt payments, I am struggling to revive a means of earning a living? That, and I am starting from scratch in my late fifties?

Did she mention why Christy had to leave town without leaving a forwarding address? Among other things, did she describe calling some of the schools to where he worked or a scalding note she sent to him via one of his students?Probably not, because, in her mind, she did nothing wrong.

These are just a small number of the ways she has driven people away from her.

I have pride, L---. That is why I refuse to be maligned, lied to, cheated, and used.

I won’t tell you to butt out, but you should be better informed when you set out to lecture someone.


L ---- K ----

The Journals


Pat Luecke

Sign BUCK +




Social Services

Dear Mary:

This is to restate our conversation of 5/17/05. I informed you that I had spoken to your physician, Dr. Pavels about your need for personal care aide assistance to meet your toileting needs at night.I told you that Dr. Pavels and I came up with a plan to assess your needs.For one week the plan would be the following: during the daytime you would get out of bed to urinate.The aide would document each time.There would be an aide from 11PM to 7AM for the week.She will be awake to respond to your calls for assistance.During the night you will remain in bed and urinate into a diaper and estimate the wetness.At the end of the week I will call Dr. Pavels.This will give you, Dr. Pavels and me an accurate idea of the care you need so long term plans can be made.

After I presented this plan to you, you stated this was not necessary at this time. You said that you had managed fine on your own last night.You stated you had not used the live-in aide during the night this past weekend as you felt you needed to learn to be independent. You reported to me that you have no diapers and do not want any diapers.You are willing to try pantiliners that absorb urine.I will try to obtain these through Medicaid.

I will notify Dr. Pavels that you do not think that you need any assistance with your toileting during the night at this time.


Mary was moved from a Mid-Hudson rehab place to a NJ hospital. Liam told me the name, and, of course, I forgot it. I didn’t get why he was angsting about being way out of town. Either he told me -- or I assumed -- that she was moved because she was rejecting psychiatric treatment and/or rehab, the same old story. What I don’t remember his saying the first time around, and what he told me just before he left, is that she is on a respirator, that the diagnosis is stroke, but that the doctors cannot find any evidence that a stroke occurred.

I have lots of contact info from Liam, and he is emailing me from Japan when he gets a chance. He is running hard from concert to concert, apparently, but you might email him too.

At the wedding, no one -- no one -- mentioned her name, asked about her, said anything about her. It was as if she didn’t exist.

I have such a good life now, mostly because of the person I have in my life. Six years or more ago, I could not have envisioned this. It was too far beyond my horizon. Now I look back, and that life seems like a bad dream that I woke up from.

Did you go in for your procedure yet? How are you feeling/doing?

I’m doing almost all editorial work, some of which requires fact checking and light research on the Internet (before I do my line editing). It’s pretty routine stuff, but it enables me to handle more jobs. Diane has been doing a lot of it, but you’re certainly capable -- probably more so.

(Diane is back with John ... did I ever tell you about them? Remind me the next time I’m down there.)

The trick is that we’re leaving on vacation, June 18-July 1, and I won’t be taking on that kind of work before I go. Are you going to be free, say, July and August?

Looks like we’ll be going to Vieques Dec. 26-Jan. 7 or so. If I don’t get down there sooner, maybe it’s going to be a Christmas visit? Is the fall the good time (I know Chris is working, and you’ll probably be doing shifts.)

Love to you all,

Christy ... A---,

Will call in a day or so. It’s been Beat the Clock around here.

Mother Mary

L –

I have no food & no money to buy any – I’m going to the church for food.

A mutual friend lent me money for the last 3 months rent.Sorry situation.

My dad is angry as hell & wants to call & yell but I asked him not to do that. He has no more money.

Ron never calls me back. What’s up?

M--- S--- can’t speak with me.

I’m angry as hell. This is not fair!


This is not a “wrinkle”!!


M –

Stop issuing orders. I have tried to be accommodating, but you are just jerking my chain.

I’m not switching cars again. I’m not switching living places.I’m not making another car payment.I’m not paying for a third place to live.There is no money for that.Live with your decisions and agreements.If this makes it hard on you, that’s too bad.Do you think I am having fun?

I’ll have Jackie fax or bring a mortgage commitment to me. I will advise you of when the house will be shown.If that is not satisfactory to you, then you call her and handle the showing.

I will work Friday night, Saturday, and possibly Sunday when I can get there. I will work for as long as it takes to get the job done.I will be as considerate about noise as possible.

I will no longer clean up or fix up after you house guests. Someone tore up the pond plants and left the rake in the pond.I fixed things, but that’s the last time.It’s very annoying to see something I worked on hard to build treated with such contempt.

Finally, stop lecturing me about drinking. You are in no such position to preach.You are the one who has to open your eyes and see what’s going on around you.Don’t you see that people are avoiding you, don’t know what to make of you?Do you really think that people don’t see through the things you say?That they aren’t aware of what you say about them to others?Do you think I would end a 40-year relationship because I needed “space”?Don’t you understand how you make others feel when you try to put them on leashes and dictate to them?I can’t believe that you don’t see these things.

Mary, I am not getting back together with you. We will work things out, but it will be as two people, not a couple.Every time you place some restriction, issue some marching order, change your mind and expect me to accommodate you, you just push me farther away.

You are also pushing me to the point that I don’t care how the financial things turn out, as long as I don’t have to deal with you or see you ever again. My aim is to get a separation agreement, sell the house, and then move to a place that you don’t know about.If need be, I will move the office too.You are making me that desperate.

L --

The Journals

It’s really over L

go to New jersey w/

mom & dad

(store jewelry)

adv. Dr. Steve

L work @ house

call rentals


$$$ store

adv. Andy

go straight to lawyer –

Ron no good – waist of $$$

You no look at stuff


M –

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