Mother Mary

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Chapter 2

… now just stay calm mary he says as he leans over me to turn out the light just stay still and calm and everything will be okay you’ll be fineeverything will be finehe leans over me and clicks off the light but i can’t breathe when he’s over me and he pulls down the shade and the light is gone

mary alice mary alicemary alice get moving right nowi will not be late to church for your anticsi will not miss the mass because of your shenanigansnow get moving

come on mary my daddy says come we’ll be latewe’ll get some breakfast laterafter mass

but i can’t move right away i’m still pulling at my eyelids like i do every time the trains rattle over us on the steel trestles swaying and rumbling shooting steam up through sewer grates from the empty city core beneath my feet

and stop pulling at your eyelashes my mother says and smacks my hand away she grabs my wrist and pulls me away from my daddy he held me tight against the muscles of his chest and took off my night gown and i couldn’t breathe as he leaned over mewhat kind of little girl would people think i’m raising if she walked around with no eyelasheshow will you put on you mascara with no eyelasheshow will you ever get a man with no eyelashesnever saw such a thing pulling at your eyelashes every time a train goes byabsurdall the prayers in the world can’t save the likes of you i tell you

she pulls me farther away from my daddy holding the hand of my sister and he won’t hold her close to his chest i could smell the musk of his cologne and the soap on his t-shirtwhen we sit in the middle pew as the organs play and the lights go so dim i can only see the candles flickering by the altar and beams of light coming off the cross where jesus is nailed in the hands in the feet and has thorns in his headi see him bleeding down his face and twisting trying to get off the cross but they nailed him there and he can’t stay stillstay stillstay still i tell himit will be alrightyou’ll be alrightif you stay stillbut he moanshe whimpershe cries and the priest tells us in sunday school that he said my father my father why did you forsake meand then he died and then he moved the stone and came back to life

he moved

we kneel and we pray in the name of the father the son and the holy ghost amen and the organs play

the egg yolks break on the plate and run to mix with the ketchup my daddy put next to the toast and it looks like blood running down someone’s forehead like the blood that covered the girl they call my sister bernie who is sitting in the chair that my father put his coat on she has the empty arms of the coat around her neck and she’s joking saying oh daddy let go you’re choking me and my daddy laughs and touches her curly hair but i can’t breathe when he leans over me to turn off the light and his arms held me to the muscles of his chestdragging the fork through the broken egg and the ketchup the girl they call my sister came out of a room full of crying babies and they said look here’s your sister my face was hoti grabbed my father’s leg and wanted to run down the hallway but my mother would have been mad so i stayed still and i held onto his leg

the wool scratched at my cheek

my face was hot and my eyes were wet

but i didn’t make a sound and i looked away down to his brown leather shoes like the ones he wears to church on sundays when he jokes with the nuns after mass and says hi to guys he played basketball with in high school and shakes the priest’s hand for doing a good job like he always says

eat your food mary alice my mother says and taps the edge of my plate with her fork that’s stabbing sausage meat and ketchup it’s getting cold and we don’t have all dayif you want to have any time at the park today you’d better eat up you need your strengtheat up and be a good girl

be a good girl

and watch your dress mary alice you always spill things on your sunday dresslast time you spilled that ketchup all over your dress and it took me all morning to get that stain outnow be a good girl and eatand don’t be a little slob now

it’s hard to eat the eggs once the yolk is broken it’s hard to keep the red blood off of the white dressbut i start eatingand my stomach feels sick from the blood …

The Journals

Panic disorder/ lack of sleep etc. is not fun and the sciatic pain puts me over the edge.

L said he was going to deduct and he did ---- what a bad move.

He doesn’t think I am worth anything and won’t agree to give what I ask for – I’m tough – the battle is just beginning. I’m worth it all and I won’t give in to his crap !!

I need and will get:

Any order 1.apt @ Cherry Hill

2. cat

3. independence

4. job w/ 21st Century or Wiechert

5. see mediator or organization lawyer

I’d love to start a decorating business or color the world!

Sunday w/o L & aggravation.

House will sell for 370,000 I predict! L showed the house to Wendy last night and was very amiable – what an idiot – he must know that I’ve told her everything & will get $$$

370 – 2 ½

even if if got: 3700

¼ - $3,0003,700

3,700

Yeah!7,400

Sun –

Turns out that my machine (fax) & mediator are not compatible –

He says we need to work up and agreement – I feel safe now he will come here and will fax to him 10 am Mon. morning. This sciatica sucks but it will get better with rest –

Its’NO DRIED FRUIT.

really I’LL BE OUT OF HERE ONE DAY!

over.

“Everything can change in a second !!”

I’m not in denial but I do know that how I feel will be better soon.

L is insane & will get his come uppins & that’s that.

I no longer live in fear – Ron is here !!!

Wed: -- day after Ron --

Lord I need to let go of what I want and let it be what you want for me. Powerlessness.

There’s a reason that I am here and that all this is happening.

Found out today that I have an infection in the bone of a tooth & will talk with Elena about it. This medicine is making me tired.That’s good. Drowsy is good.It’s not fair to Dad that Mom asks questions-- gets me crazy & then when he hands over the phone to her I’m nuts.

2:30 check

6:30 (have 10 left)

10:30 Will get me to tomorrow (makes me sweaty)

1:30

5:30

9:30

Found out I should take one hour before I do anything – very drowsy.

This power struggle is pretty awful & I’m really tired of it w/ Lonnie.

I need to let go and let God and not even think about L and the fact that I can’t really believe it’s over – big time. I cried last nite – grief – but I won’t be pushed around – anymore.It’s over for L – big time.It’s 33 years and I’m having a hard time believing this is what the Lord wants for me.Crying makes me vibrate – I can hardly keep my eyes open – I need more sleep & will forget L.

Let go and let God! It’s in Ron’s hands & I’m out of it.I’ll get my answers but my nerves are shot – big time! I’m so over-tired that I can’t even believe it.

It makes me very angry that L held my checks back and deducted – wait until the lawyer gets him & Ron. I signed nothing & may obtain a lawyer – only problem the 7-8 grand to pay off would go to lawyer.Let go and let God.

If I give in to 50% get apt. & get out of here – it’s worth it to give the 50%.

My focus is on myself and my parents.

Alcoholism is a strange disease and he may not want to be around me but guess what he really needs to look at himself – big time.It’s easy to focus on everyone but yourself.

I hope L doesn’t share the news with C&A. Well they can be by themselves and I can help out sometimes and work

2:30 checkand get a check from

6:30 checkL

10:30 check

2:30 check

6:30 check

10:30 check.

Yes, L doesn’t put much on his credit – bullshit.

Well things can change in a moment.

Ever since the panic disorder thing L decided he wanted out of the relationship. That having a 100% healthy wife was his God-given right.

Yes, lots of complications and lots of disorder this past year. Lying – well L has asex drive and he wouldn’t even let it show.But I know it all started when he joined the guys at bowling and it went down hill from there.

I can’t take the drinking and he can’t take illness. Well we have the same children & grandchild and guess what, by the time of the shower we’ll probably be separated. Oh well, that’s the way it goes.

Wait ’till he sees how well I do the next few years.

I love him and the memories & I’ll eventually date again,

Join some group at St. Denis -- or go to a pub etc. (Haymaker) have an affair – I will have sex again one of these days &

50% profit sharing

a court order

my own bills

(I’ve done it for years.)

C & A have single moms.

Why should I feel rejected by a slobbering drunk – I’m not quite at acceptance yet – at all.

I just got the strongest feeling that after I move & get back to work ---- just got the first leaf of fall in my car – premature illusion – that my pain will go away.I’ve been holding on to it like a crutch for years because I was so unhappy all the time.I would blame it on everything but what it really was.The sciatica is about fear of moving forward & indecision.

And when my tooth is removed on Monday – yeah!

I really need to move on. Sciatica is about indecision about something.Well, I made up my mind to do my license, take Cherry Hill unless there’s a better one & never sleep with L again, (even a massage).

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