Mother Mary

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Chapter 5

Day Five.

Brian really upset me & made me angry. How dare he?What an insult that he proposition me!And Barbara – blowing me off & not returning calls – what’s up w/ her?I think she’s reached her max – well, maybe I don’t need a shrink after all .Brian has more problems & is very repulsive how dare he throw himself at me! Ugh! Pooh! Yuck!I’d rather go without sex forever.I wish L knew that it really doesn’t matter.We need to talk some more.

I pray that L comes to sanity & can melt down a little bit but he is so stubborn & will have to cost him money.

Day Six

What an emotional day and L got his blood work back. Low blood sugar.I told him about thyroid & adrenals & he said – get this –

“Does that mean you’re sicker than me?”

How egotistical & competitive.My answer – no, you’re definitely sicker than I am!!Good for me!!I can’t believe still how sweet he is one minute & how sarcastic the next.He needs to put the glass down.One sip & whoa! What a difference!If he were working on his issues I would work harder on him.

Amen!

Day Seven

Another very emotional day. I’m disappointed that I won’t be going to the party but my health comes first.I won’t go tomorrow.But perhaps Leeanne can come or Kristin – but can’t count on her.

Had many symptoms & lots of diarrhea.I Love the good time L and I had together but I am very angry that I’m being put in this position.My mom and dad get on me.I’m almost afraid to see them.

I’m going to ask Pardell for a med. to get me through this rough time.I’m hating Lonnie right now.I can hardly believe that he wants me to be alone.If I feel really great I’ll go tomorrow but think I’d rather veg.I need to go for a long slow walk.You know Lonnie you’re pretty awful to be with right now but my wish for Liam is that he move out-- he’s so mixed up.I should sell Kincade & a piece of jewelry but it makes me so sad.What aterrible disease alcoholism is.It changes the personality so quickly.I want love and company so badly that I can’t stand it.I need a roommate – big time.

I envy C&A and their relationship is solid.It makes me mad that they do things with her mother and not with me.Maybe they know I’m not up to it but I will be.Just wait and see.I may love having roommates.

I feel so weepy and sorry for myself but it won’t last forever.This is my favorite time.Peace at last and quiet.My domain of my bedroom.I feel so bad that I’ll be missing the party especially since it’s Christine’s but they’ll be other times.How can Liam ride around with nothing in his pockets.

What I would like is to have dinner out w/ someone.Chris (Buck) has my card up in the store for good luck – I hope L sees it.

I want a date and the sooner L gets out the better.

Amen.

I must take the lead – no the medication will do it.

Day 8

What a nice day.I cried my heart out yesterday & slept wonderfully last nite.

I went head to head with L last nite over L wants me to

adjust my numbers based on his 30 page report but that isn’t what the

process is all about.I want a dog so badly and especially a poodle

and free !!

I must tell L about it.I feel sorry for him and his detailed

reports – we’re so different.

Day 9

What a lovely day w/ L – no booze and true peace. I washed and shopped and cooked and he slept & was totally relaxed.He may go we’ll always be together.I showered, washed my hair & feel relaxed except for the upcoming mediation.I hope we can work this out – he needs a sabbatical in the woods.

My Dream Cottage

Mother Mary

L – (NO RETURN LETTER !)

Before you write a return letter to Laraine, you ought to get your facts right. You will always have your “version” of the last ten years & so will I.And Christy’s woman ought to keep her nose out of our business!(The notes to Chris, by the way, were clear & to the point --) not scalding, I’m not good at that.A lot of what you said I was responsible for your business failure, there are many reasons for that.A lot of things are said and done in anger when there is a separation and I always kept the boys out of it except if they asked specific questions.It takes two to make a marriage and two to break one – anyone who is divorced will tell you that.Also ----

I have a memory of what your sister said to me when she called me looking for you.Her conversation started with “I’m sorry you were raped.” Where the hell did that come from?Did you know about the calls during our early years of marriage when Jeanne was very drunk telling me off because your mom helped to pick out our sofa cover?And meanwhile Damon was climbing out the windows and wandering the streets as a baby!Did you know she told me in a phone conversation that she always favors the woman in divorce & wished me well.What was that about?Of course I don’t know if she was talking out ofthe bottle & I mean that with sadness.

I quickly reviewed Laraine’s letter as she asked me to do & did not approve of all she said but she insisted to send it the way it was except for grammar and punctuation.I did not want it sent out at all, but you can’t stop her.

Chris hurt my family very much in several ways before he left and I will not get into that.(Too much “elephant game” stuff.)Ron said many times I didn’t like your drinking and you didn’t like my illness.I leave it at that.

M

NO RESPONSE LETTER WILL BE READ.

Note –

I treasured my friendship with your mother & she unfortunately would always ask me about your drinking (because you were overweight she said) and how much she wished you would go to Church.I would say you will probably not go to church and that you drank every nite.Neither statement I felt to be a lie.

You said many hurtful things to me when you were drinking and I swallowed a lot of it & yes, my Lyme disease was very expensive.“In sickness and in health!”

(over)

Please, if you have any heart at all, do not contact anyone ( child or otherwise ) in my family, There is a lot going on right now & it all gets back to my parents who do not tolerate anything!That is all I will say.What you do with your God children is up to you.Since you do not practice religion it makes no sense to me to be in touch with them.C ---- works in NYC doing graphic art and loves it & T—goes to college and hates it so he took the Fire person’s test & did well.

(next page)

Addendum –

L you threatened me with separation after Christy was born, in Reggie Drive you told me in the pool one day you thought I was leaving (?) you got condo listings and wanted a separation in Kent Road and in Blackberry Way you got the separation you wanted.In almost every house I was threatened.Oh yes, in our Riverside apartment you played hide and seek at the window with a young girl across the court. I was pregnant with Liam when you did that !!! And of course you sat in the car and watched Ruth next door paint her walls while in the nude.Was I the fool to stay through all of this?So, obviously, we’re not talking about the last ten years.I’ll never forget 2 things – 1) being abandoned in the hospital after suffering a seizure from hypokalemia (as told to me and my Dr. by a Dr, Brady who covered my case.It cannot be “brought on” as you suggested

2) And being told I was a liar when I told you about the “incident”. (Please tell Jeanne again it was not a rape.)

My father says he will never understand your behavior at either of these times …. Please tell Ron to call me – he doesn’t return my calls –

Repeat – I am not authorizing any payment to him anymore. Where is the P&L (profit and loss statement for my father’s struggling business) statement?

The Journals

Day 10

Possibility of 16” of snow today!! I went out early (about 10:30 am) did errands, very little snow and slid down the hill of Cranberry Drive went into spin & landed on a neighbor’s lawn – did 360 thing & was scared shitless.Literally. Came home and had soup & went to bed.Liam, Lonnie & two of Liam’s friends who were passing by helped – thank God – but my adrenals are shot.

It’s 7 pm & L just took a drink – let’s see how the mood changes.Mediation is supposed to be tomorrow but I’m not going – feel lousy and so is L w/ a flu-like cold.Must admit if I have to be sick – this is good weather for it.

Sexual abuse is a terrible thing – being touched by Ira was a horror.I was leaning over a backup table and he grabbed me – it felt awful, then J and I touched each other when we were only 7 years old and in school no less and nearly got caught and then Jimmy G. touched me and L beat the shit out of him.All those instances and they made me feel awful about myself and very quiet and fearful.Yes, sexual abuse is at the bottom of this.And then every time my father would lean over to check the lights I would feel like I was smothering.I still feel smothered by him.Why can’t I let go and move on?And why is it all hitting me now?It was more than one incident of sexual harassment and no one ever apologized, Lonnie took care of J.G. and Mom knew about Ira – I believe she talked to him.To this day these incidents bother me and I don’t know why I can’t just move on from them.They are really holding me back and I know I’ve been forgiven but the last incident with the others made me feel totally abused.4 incidents plus L putting his hands to my neck – that is more than I ever wanted to admit.I finally realize the impact of all these events and WOW !!

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