Mother Mary

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Chapter 6

My self-esteem is really shot and I’m trying to move on from all my fear.I didn’t cause any of them and living w/ an alcoholic doesn’t help.I was trying to be perfect and cover up on the outside what was on the inside.Boy do I need a session of something.I’ll pray to see which one, sexual offense, is the worst.It’s the basis for the eating disorders, Candida and a lot of pain.But I have the most beautiful scene to look at tonite.Snow piling up outside my door.It’s truly beautiful and cozy.Yet, I want to go on w/ my life.

I hate to be left alone – fear of abandonment that someone else will hurt me, THAT’SIT !And when Brian propositioned me last week that really started the diarrehea.Yuck!What an outrage.And his father a child molestor.His 3 daughters sexually abused & he did nothing until it was too late.I will never talk to him again.I made a great mistake by asking him for rides.Everyone gets on well when Mom & Dad are happy.

I love nagging Lonnie and Liam.I hope they enjoy it as much as I do.I love them so much but they piss me off.I think L was sexually abused too.I wonder about Annie & Cathy the relationship there really seems unusual to me.I’m glad L isn’t pushing me right now because I can’t take it.My nerves are shot.

I’m trying to let go of my guilt but when people like Fr. Bill cop an attitude, it really pisses me off.Big time, I’m doing my best here.I need to turn off the dryer and go to bed.Or maybe it will lull me to sleep.

Acupuncture was to intense, so I must do something to get all this out.I need a sedative.Call Pardell & see what he can do.

And Jim and Bob making sexual comments.Absolutely inappropriate and Bill giving me a long slow kiss right before walking down the aisle and own son Christy giving me a drunk long slow one on his 18th birthday.I guess it all makes me feel as if I did something wrong.Wow!I finally put it all together.

I guess Buck touching me today put me in.These are the demons I’m grappling with I guess I always thought I did something to cause all this.And Joe bouncing me on his knee all the time with an erection.Why didn’t I just run away.And the black man who followed me several blocks the Sunday I was on the train alone and I had to leave the car and go to another one because I was once again followed.

These were real incidents.I think anyone would have a different life if all this happened to them.I can’t believe all this has suddenly come out, now I can rest and sleep and let it all go.I dressed up on the outside to feel good on the inside.I don’t need much to make me happy.Just love & that’s the one thing that I’m being denied right now, kind of cruel and ironic.The last thing I want is to move.I just can’t handle it. And L will have to understand.This is a good thing.Now I can go on.I can stare at the snow, pray!Be at peace.Amen.

Jesus thank you for forgiving me.

Then there was Tony who propositioned me to go away w/ him when I was working. He would rub my back.Ugh!!And when the Dr. pushed me down that was the end – I’m surprised I ever had sex again!

I’ve been invaded too many times.

Or maybe that’s the way you learn to get your way!!!

Mother Mary

L –

My dad is terminally ill and asked me a while ago to contact you. I told him a few things.

That you would not respond – reasons unsure & not what we agreed upon and you don’t want a relationship with me of any kind.

He then instructed me (unusual for him) to change my name back to K ---- ! He felt that when you returned to our original alimony agreement that was constructed with Ron I could use whatever name. If there’s something that I don’t know about, please inform me.Dad is really upset & can’t understand how you could back out of a signed agreement.When you gave me the lump sum payment, there was no understanding that it was the last payment – never.It’s especially important now since I am permanently disabled and will need a walker/and wheelchair the rest of my life.

I’m trying to work from home but not a lot of luck yet. I can’t exactly go out to work and just want enough to be able to pay a budget and not have the “roommate from hell” anymore.

What is up?If you don’t want to be in touch, have Ron Wells contact me – same address.I have a private no.so he or you will have to write to me.Chuck L said he saw you in Lowe’s.

M

Mary Alice

… at night i see my pursuer in the black shadows like a felix the cat cartoon with inky eyes and sharp pointy ears his claws hang over his head and his thin legs creep under him i can even hear the evil organ music grind as he laughs low when the wind blowsi know he comes from the closet at night after my father leans over me to turn off the light and kiss me on the top of my head when i can’t breathe and i smell the musk of his cologne and he held me tight against the muscles of his chest

i know when the lights go out and its dark he slinks along the flat walls and ducks beneath the moon lights and street lights that try to come in the window to chase him away but he just snickers and i pull the blankets up around my neck he can’t bite you on the neck and suck out your red blood when the blankets are around your neckand you can’t let your feet touch the floormy father sees everythinghe knows when my feet touch the floorhe knows when to come get me if the pursuer comes too closehe went down to the park that dayhe came and he held me the day i told him that the black man was following from car to car on the subwayhe went down to where the trains rattle and the city is empty underneath and he waited for someone to get off the train but no one came

are you sure you saw someone mary alice he asks with his warm brutal hand at the back of my head are you absolutely sure

i tell him i was sure plain as day he was following from car to car from car to careverywhere i went he was there

swear he asks

swear

okay let’s go home mary alice i don’t want another fit coming againthey just wear me outlet’s go get you some rest

i see him creeping along the wall by the baseboards where the plugs are that my daddy checks every night leaning over me mei can’t breathethe pursuer is sneaking along beneath the window sill flush with moonlight and sound from the starscreeping toward my sisterhe wants to take her breaththat’s what he doeshe leans over you and takes your breath but you can’t see anything because the light can’t get through himit’s all darknessall darkness

so i look at the stars in the dark sky outside the window where the light is supposed to come through and that’s where the angels are with the fat cheeks and horns they blow for god that’s where the children sit on the lap of god and eat the crumbs that fall from his beard and drink the juice that falls from his lipsthey laugh and playand for every star there is an angel with white wingsand the fences are not black steel with spikes but soft gold and when i think of the chubby angels the pursuer creeps back into the closetand away from the light

the pursuer is in the bushes by the park bench

the girl they call my sister bernie is bouncing the ball to me when i see his pointy cat ears in between the leaves

catch the ball mary alice catch the ball pay attention

we’re not gonna play ball with you anymore mary alice if you can’t pay attention

i bounce the ball to carmen’s corner and the bushes rustle

i know that’s the pursuer there a sleek inky cat shadow who is trying to find his way behind me to follow me back home and to sneak in through the door if i don’t slam it shut real quick that’s why i have to run home and slam it shut and lock itthen my mother says not to slam the door that’s rude and if it breaks i’ll have to pay for it and how am i going to pay for a broken door i swear mary alice you will be the death of mestartling me every time you do something

the ball hits me in the chest again and the girl they call my sister yells at me again mary alicethat’s it you loseyou’re outgame over

lonnie came down the hill from his project building the ones way up there closer to the spitting devil bend in the river where the water is white he came downhis hair is cut into bristles on the top of his head and his shoulders are squareand his jeans are loosehe walks up to jimmy galvin and grabs the stick ball bat from him and starts whipping it through the air

any of you pukes wanna play a game of stick ball i’ll play any of you pukes in a game of stick ballanyone at allwhat’s a matter you all pussies

pussies stay still keep your mouth clean mary alicethis will take me all morning to get cleanyou just keep your mouth clean

what’s a matter with this neighborhood lonnie says no one with any guts around here no none of yuh

he drops the bat on the ground and the sounds of the wood on the blacktop makes me want to pull at my eyelids but i keep my hands folded the girl they call my sister is next to me and the other one carmen is on the other sidelonnie is walking toward uswe heard from the neighborhood up the hillwe heard he chased a kid up twelve flights of stairs because the kid stabbed him with a rusty nail and that he was gonnathrow the kid off the roof of his building except the kid’s mother came and stopped himwe heard they stay out all night and sing doo wop in the alleysplaying cards and smoking

how about you guys lonnie says you guys wanna play how about a little game of stickball

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