there’s a guy in his neighborhood who beats his own mother every time she cries and beats his little brother to make him tough
well whattya say
we don’t play boy games carmen says
yeah we don’t play boy games the girl they call my sister says
well what games do you play i play anything
what’s a matter with this one here what’s a matter with her
yeah mary alice
she’s shy the girl they call my sister saysshe doesn’t talk much
stay still mary alice this will take all morning to get cleanyou just keep your mouth cleani am hot insideburning through my chest up into my braini look away toward the groundi want to pull at my eyelids until he goes awaybut i keep my hands folded and rock back and forthhe held me tight against the muscles of his chest and put me in the cold waterhe poured cold water over the crown of my head and i saw the light behind him
what is she retarded or something
she’s not retarded don’t say that about my sistershe isn’t retarded
then why don’t she speak she knows how to speak
yeah carmen says sometimes she talks all the time sometimes you wouldn’t know who she isshe’s like a different personand then sometimes she’s just like thislike real quiet you know
shame lonnie says’cause she’s pretty good looking you know
well that’s what everyone says
he held me tight against the muscles of his chest that’s my daddy
well lonnie says maybe i’ll come some time when she decides to talk and we’ll have a conversationyou know like when two people talk with each other
we know what that is carmen says
yeah well you should tell your friend there and maybe she and i could have a little conversation sometime about things
his shoulders rippled and snapped beneath his white shirt and sweat dew glistened on his forehead
the flashbulb snaps where my father was standing and i see halos dancing all around him around his brown hataround his square jaw and over his brown eyesdancing
okay then lonnie says you tell your retarded sister i’ll be back to see her sometime when she wants to have a conversation
he walks back up the hill
the sun is setting to his left the front part by his arm is golden light so bright it puts spots in front of your eyes and you have to turn awaythe other side is a shadow as dark the pursuer’s pointy ears and long creepy legs
jimmy galvin pushes me down in the park and calls me a retard and gets my dress all dirty then when i fall i scrape my knees and bleed down onto my white socks
i tell lonnie when he comes down the hill and lonnie betas him up the whole time jimmy galvin says that he didn’t do anything i swear lonnie i didn’t do anything
my father leans over me and i hold my breath or i can’t breathe and he checks the plugs and switches off the lights the moon is full so the pursuer can’t creep out from under the bed to the other side where the closet is because the moonlight covers the floor its white like bleach and ammonia tile from the bathroom
the pursuer pulls away and snickers and hisses but no one can hear him i tell my sister to listen listen he’s hissing
the shadow man i say the pursueryou can’t see him
go to sleep mary alice i swear you’ll end up in a loony bin one of these daysyou with all your spells and demonsjust go to sleepgod knows you need the rest
just pull the blankets up around your neck and you’ll be okay i tell her because the moon can’t light the night forever and eventually the pursuer will be waiting to run across the wooden floors to her bed where he lays on top of her and she can’t breathe and he snickers and moans and gasps for air and she yells for help but she can’t breath so without air there are no words and without words there is no help and with no help you are alone
the pursuer laying on top of you sucking everything out of you until you are deflated
i feel the tap of hands on my cheek and i hear the voices far off like in a bad old movie tinnylike rain falling on a tin roof or the lid of a garbage cani hear them saying mary alice wake upmary alice what happenedmary alice are you okayshould i call the doctorshould i run the bathforgive us now and in the hour of our death amen forgive us now and in the hourforgive us nowlord in heaven this girl will be the death of me and i feel the taps on my cheek again
my eyes flutter open
there is light
i can see his face his formbut the light makes it dark and flat
it is morning
run the bath my father says it is my fatherrun the bath
is she dying i hear the girl they call my sister say where did all the blood come fromdid someone break in and kill her
no i hear my mother say no one broke in the houseno one tried to kill herbut lord knows she’s trying her best to kill me for the love of god almighty
now and in the hour of our death
is the bath running my father asks
yes my mother says it’s nothing to worry about she says it happens to every woman some time or anotherbut of course with her it happens in the middle of the night and she passes out in the middle of the floor
i felt the pain all day all week and then i went to sleepclosed my eyes and went to sleep and felt the warm rush between my legswoke up and tried to get to the tubbut saw the blood on the white sheets in the last of the moonlight and
she’ll be fine my mother says we just have to clean her up
what happened the girl they call my sister says is she sick againis the doctor coming for her again …
Was a very tough day because I didn’t sleep
last nite.Lots of emotion.
L came home & was determined to leave.
It’s over – I’ve surrendered – he must go.I get either roommates or a dog.
The only thing that bothers me is that
he came up smiling once again tonite and that just figures.He needs to take a
sabbatical to find out who he is.
Maybe we can be a couple again.
He was very seductive, very honest, very
Maybe it will be better than ever.
Feb 7 Wed.
What a mood swing by L – very controlling and a real pain in the ass! Tried to nail me down to a specific day & time.I will do my best.Someone must have stepped on his toe today – big deal!
I had a very emotional time at Dr. Ligena’s. The Jin-Jitsu was very tearful & I cried & sobbed.Sobbed in the grocery store after I saw a lot of Valentine’s Day stuff.
I can’t stand the sparring we did & the ridiculous comments he makes about sex with young girls. It’s part of the disease of alcoholism.I have to remember that when he’s so nice to me.Or maybe it’s just the mid-life fantasy thing.I have to slow down & leave it to the one and only God.Emotions are what I’m going thru.I cried in the A&P.
What’s these comments about teenage girls? Boy is he doing the mid-life thing.I have no fear.I’m going to get a dog & that’s final!I can walk her in the driveway & eventually let her out on the deck in the summer.Where you are planted you will bloom.
L pisses me off.Made a big case for me in a rental & prior to this wanted to keep the house.It’s up to the mediator as to what to do.Let’s see how good he is and how we can arrive at a win-win.I hold the key to a Chase credit line or a loan from 1st Union.So that’s a power point.
Thurs. Feb 8th
What a peaceful day!I have to remember to cry more & drink my drink.Elena and I had a good clearing talk & I don’t like that Lynne feels guilty or even bad about my health – she’s done so much.It’s horrible to be so sick & to have been abandoned by everyone except my friends.I’ll never move from this area because of them.Unless L & I retire to someplace together (Utah, Montana, Oregon?)
With a little help from my friends.
Liam is hopefully leaving in a week – I wish I had money to make it happen.
Two roommates called == Let’s see!
Karen and daughter
$700 + cable/phone
Would I be lucky enough to
$1,500 would pay off ¾ of the mortgage & I didn’t have business appraised and insist on a lawyer which would be $10,000 at least.
Feb. 9th Fri. –
What a ditzy day!
Tears – it’s 8:30 pm & L isn’t home yet.