Mother Mary

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Chapter 8

It’s 11 pm & he’s not home yet. I’m sure he has a bottle in the office and is having a drunk old time.I wish I could nail him & get him arrested for DWI.I have to stop being so nice!

I hate him right now & I am going to ask him to leave on tues.This is not nice.I’m getting jerked around.This really sucks.I hope he found a place to live.Well, he best.

I sold a painting today.I can’t wait to have roommates and start dating.It will be such a special feeling.

What an SOB – doesn’t even feel accountable and me the fool crying over him. Yuck!!

Cynthia was abrupt with me and that sucked & Karen never showed up.I think that she would be a flake.I could stand that except for the teenage daughter.

Yeah! I got 250$ for my painting today.Tomorrow I will rest and be good to myself.I must join something.My adrenals are really acting up & I have a pain from where Rod worked on me.My body is tight but my mind is loose.I’m so tired of the stress & not being loved.

Where does he get off?I truly don’t believe his gall.I can remember doing the same thing when he was drinking many years ago.

We’re both coughing and miserable.

What a life!

Feb. 10 sat.

Got great sleep last nite but had to leave a note on the ice maker and the garage opener for L not to make noise.

It’s so sad but when L is alone in his room he’ll be by himself – no kids, no family nearby, no
celebrations.Arranging them are going to be very interesting.

I can’t wait to get on with my life. L doesn’t understand that I’m very limited in what I can do.He’s definitely got a problem – bi-polar.Nov.-April he’s depressed and May to Oct. he’s manic – a truly different person.

I got angry today at L because he didn’t mail a pkg. It wasn’t worth it, but I’m finally expressing myself. I want this stress to end and can’t stand all this crap.I wish I could just hug him and make him better but no good.

Sun. – Feb 11

Forgot to write – fell asleep – heavy cold – coughing – feeling miserable.L made dinner for me and we swam together.What mixed messages.He has issues of his own.

I’m here to say I won’t be made the scapegoat for all the crap that’s going on here.I wish Liam would go so that he might get well.I might even give him some money – just get going.

______________________________________

marinate shrimp in oil & garlic

sautee in olive oil

It’s so easy to blame everything on me and I intend to say so in front of the mediator.

I’m going to be better than ever – just you wait & see,

Mon. Feb. 12 –

It’s all about Liam and how he feels.He blames me for his unhappiness – well I won’t be the scapegoat.Wednesday should be tough -- day but also Jin-Jitsu brings up a lot of emotion .I hope to be able to go to Saint Vincent de Paul meeting in the Saint Columba library.I feel ganged up on by Liam and Lonnie’s attitudes – the testosterone thing.I’m really angry at Liam and his immature and narrow-minded attitude.He really pisses me off.

L came home looking handsome & I told him so.I don’t think he liked that But I’m spontaneous & while I’m here I’ll say what I like.Liam has real problems & needs to be happy & stop focusing on me.Focus on yourself & you’ll be much better off.The roommate thing.

I definitely got angry when L comes and goes and Liam will not be blamed for all that goes on.

Liam is so immature & has no idea what a 33 yr. old relationship is like – more like 40 years.

Re.: roommates.I don’t mind giving up my room to Maryanne B. Tompkins.She’s very high-powered.

And Valentine’s Day is coming up.Boy that stinks.But just think of Pat L. and how it might be for her loss poor thing.

I just said what I had to say to Liam and now I have to let it go.

And L. w/ no appetite.Oh well, you started this Lonnie and are so dense at times I could scream.

Tues. Feb. 13 – Day bef. Val. Day

Liam’s mouth went off again. What a sarcastic person (and very miserable and scared I’m sure)

What a funny evening with Kristen and Brian using the pool and Jacuzzi.Good company they were.L went bowling and I had brain fog – big time & depression. Sad because tomorrow is day and I will only love myself – give myself a hug.Bought myself white tulips & boy do they look great.

Dad – I’ll miss you & I hope they give you

Medicine or something to make you comfortable

This is a tough time of life & I love you dearly.

You gave me a good start & I’ll visit you every

Month. I promise.

Love, M

Feb 14 – Wed -- Bad day!!!

I was very emotional and down. I always get worse by the end of the day.I’m worried about my health and will be interested as to what happens after Liam leaves.Lord. I need to take the next step so that I can get on w/ my life.Please show me the way & open L’s heart.I don’t get much from Dr. Coleman and have stopped going.I guess I’m trying to control things again.Since I’m not happy & rather frustrated w/ my health & Liam’s attitude, I get down.I also can’t stay in the present.It’s so tough to handle this problem.

Let go and let god!I would love to be making a life with Lonnie.But he won’t permit it right now.My dream is to be in another house w/ him. Let’s see what the tests bring tomorrow.

Feb 15 – Thurs.

L had a glucose tolerance test today and did very well. We had a delicious burger together and shopped.Buck came in and said hello and Nick said hello.Now everyone knows that we had lunch together.I checked on him 2x and he had a headache – shows signs of sugar intolerance.Amazing how well I feel after a two-hour nap & lots of magnesium.I must slow down.I had a major mood swing and feel almost manic.Must be quiet and slow down.It must be hormonal.L is drinking and his mood has changed already.What a major shift.We’ll see what tomorrow brings.Focus on yourself and make your own plans.Pace yourself.

Fri – Feb 16

I made a big mistake by opening the telephone bill at night. When will I ever learn.I guess I worry about money more than I realize.I’ll have to pay L extra $$$.Thank God for friends.

Plan:

50 Elena340 school

70 Coleman50 util. Bills/ Coleman 70

50 Lexplain to L – Dad

50 to Elena 50 to F

Boy, do I need to go back to work. I feel so guilty, now I know how it must affect Lonnie.

Only make long distance when necessary & look up numbers.

Amen !

Typical Friday – blue/diarrhea – bad dreams –

weekend coming up – Liam leaving –

sad but happy – still have virus – very weak –

need to get out of stress – do fun things & stop looking to L for my entertainment. Matty is right – go on w/ your life & focus on yourself.

Take classes – it’s not all about pills & magnesium

It’s about emotion.

Boy, what a bad brain fog – I need food.

Feb 16 FRI. pm

When am I going to learn?! L dumps on me and then comes home smiling. Figures.Wants to go to Ireland.He’s going to take steps to reduce angst – so am I.I will pay bills when I can and see how the mediator treats the situation.I miss love and attention and touch – mainly touch.Gloria said that she wished me a hug from Liam & I got it that was a good thing.Helen and Elena still say that L may be hypoglycemic.But I feel the tests will show nothing.He’s going to make changes to control his angst – well so am I.I have people to rent the house.

600

700

$1300

That’s half the mortgage!

Ron said to go thru this with a giggle. A hurt my feelings.Gave L a present and her mom but nothing for me.I guess I just don’t get it.I know I don’t.I must dwell on the nice deed I did for Pat.“Sleep is like death.”I feel angry & depressed & tired of this loveless situation.

Everything is temporary – when am I going to blow off his venting.I take it on and think I have to do something about it.There’s so much change happening.Liam leaving – less tension but lonelier.

Enjoy the movie.

Sat, Feb 17 –

The idiot was cooking at 11pm last nite. This house is just not set up for peace and quiet I said it from the very beginning.

LightAfter Liam leaves I can veg in little room. I guess I Bulb!fear him leaving because he is company – but with a change a change/loss brings stress.

Oh Lonnie, when am I going to learn to detach myself from you.Same pattern Frihorrible sat. rough due to bad/drunk Fri. nite. Sun. good I get fooled into feeling nice--/ Mon. feel great/ Tues pm noise/ Wed. – yuck – etc. etc. Need to break the cycle – big time.I’ll rest while he’s out & go out while he’s here.Need a place to veg.Plan a trip w/ Marline?

Mom worries me.She’s yelling a lot & in a rage.Into my business.I must tell her nothing at all, but when I do she makes weird assumptions.I want to go into a cave and not come out.L is probably out hiking and having a great time to reduce his stress.Well, let’s see what Thursday brings.There’s no selling this house right now.

Evening --What a good afternoon!

Shopped rested, saw friends

I cooked & so did L and I enjoyed

being alkaline – something to

look forward to in the future

how did I do it – veg. Soup, fruit

fruit in the am + Jamaican drink

perhaps Jin Jitsu did it also, must

do it often.Have emotional diarrhea

after but magic yellow pills & diet works.

poor L doesn’t understand hypolglycemia

and Liam the snot left

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