Liam is finally on his desert island and having to figure out his way off. No $$$ from Mom and Dad & no work from Dad.I gave him food & 2 books.My body is over-stimulated tonite.My car wouldn’t start today and what a bitch that is.I must stop saying negative things about Liam-- L isn’t going to support me no matter what.
I hope Dr. Pardell is willing to take a chance and will listen attentively to Elena. My meds cause brain fog – die-off cause brain fog and fear & I fear this week coming up.Don’t talk about it with Mom & Dad – tell them – can’t discuss it according to mediator.I hope Liam can grow up & open his mind & that L & I get better as a result of his leaving.I know L still wants to leave because once he takes a stand – boy, does he take a stand.He probably needs to fall on his face very, very hard.
What happened to my notes for Sun & Mon?
Today was great!Did errands, took a ride to office – gave A a sweater from Christy (baby hat too!) and my first wedding ring.I cried.I saw Jazzy & Liam, called Irene Price for Jackie to see if she is still available.If it’s meant to happen it will.I really hope L & and I can work it out.I know I can rent the rooms.But I can’t believe he’s as friendly as he is and still wants to leave.It’s so strange.I’ve accepted it but don’t like the idea of being alone so much.But before I know it, it will be time for real estate classes which I know I can make.I’m really looking forward to getting back into the swing of things – showed room to Carrie – what a coincidence
Woke feeling happy. Very acid & dehydrated.Went shopping and bought lots of meat & got 10% off my order – hooray. I’m all uptight – who wants to go to the meeting?Not me!!It will be interesting to see how Ron handles this to make it a win-win situation.I should let Ron lead and throw all the cards on the table.I wish I had more energy.I guess I wasn’t meant to get my tests done but I can get Leeanne to pick up urine thing on Fri. she loves to drive.Maybe Emily can stay over – that would be fun.It really makes me angry to think how well we’re getting along & I can’t be forgiven.That’s the perfect thing.I feel like I’m being treated like a child – I know I screwed up my checkbook but C told me many times just tell me how much you need & it will be there.I was having an awful time thinking.What a horrible place it was to be there.I really know Lonnie – fear & control & perfectionism & I’m not responsible for L’s drinking.At least I don’t have to deal with Liam anymore – lots of changes.If I had the energy I should have walked and let Leeanne finish shopping. Oh well, it’s late & I pray all goes well tom.
Praise you Lord.
DON’T SIGN ANYTHING!!!
Thurs – Feb.
Mediation Day & what an asshole Lonnie is! I hope he doesn’t get the line of credit for $50,000.Maybe they’ll only give him half – whatever.When is he going to look at himself?I feel as if I’m begging him to be with me.Well, that’s over.I’ll decide whether or not I want him in my life.
Must set down some rules for the next few weeks.This is a lot of bullshit.
What a disease of denial!He truly doesn’t know how awful he can be!So much came out today and that’s that.
I love my Dad so much and I fear that he’s going to suffer.
I found Lonnie a place to live –
worried about living alone –
no roommate yet and afraid of
the entire housekeeping thing
Need Dr. Coleman
I’m on HALT & can’t stand the spasming.
Tomorrow I’ll drive to Paul’s
Went came home & cry
Massage & bed – how peachy!
L will come & so what?!
I’ll try to see Christy & Liam on Sat. and Mom on Sun. Tasin will take care of herself and L can let her in!
I must exercise more & check on a bicycle in the village.
go out in the other room my father says go have some breakfast damn it
bernard my mother says watch your language around the children please not around the girls
now my father says you have to worry about that now i haven’t seen anything like this since the war and you worry about my language
he puts his arms underneath me and i feel his arms hard against my legs and shoulders then he holds me tight against his chest and he whispers just relax mary alice everything will be fineeverything will be fine
he puts me in the cold water and then pulls off my wet nightgown the stains are pink now from the cold water and it drips into the tub all over mehe pours cold water over the crown of my head and my head rolls toward his chest and i see the smears of blood across his white t-shirtthe dank rotten smell of new blood against the musk of his cologne
is she coming around i hear my mother say
is she conscious
she’s alright my father saysit must have just been a shock to her seeing all that blood and seeing it all over like that
all over like that like when mother takes me down to the basement where the furnace pumps flames into tubes that carries heat through the whole building and i am on my knees in front of a tub with hot water and suds of soap trying to wash out the stains on a white dress and mother says that she won’t be so easy on me the next time i decide to go play in my sunday dress and get dirt and grass stains all over it you just keep scrubbing until it all comes outbut it never comes outnone of itits always thereno matter how high the flames leap and how hard you scrub or if you take the little bubbles off the board and pinch them into the dress with your fingers there always that stainalways that stain of what you didand what you knew you shouldn’t do but you did it and you end up with mother standing by the furnace with the heat behind her scrubbing on some ancient washboard just to learn your lesson
there was blood everywhere
is she okay i hear the girl they call my sister ask does she have enough blood
she’ll live it happens to every woman some day
the curse of eve i hear my mother say she’s a woman nowand she’ll be reminded every month from now on
she’s a woman now
i am a woman now
i am woman now
my mother puts my ear to her stomach its swollen underneath a thin gauzy shirt she calls her maternity clothes i listen real closely and i hear a heart beating and swishingsomething is swishing in thereand i feel a kick against the swollen stomach
that’s your brother in there i just know iti just know my mother says that’s your little brother in there listen to him kick he’s ready to come out any time nowand i just know he’ll be a big strong boy
and covered in blood like the girl they call my sister bernie when she came out that night at the hospital and they cleaned her up and put her in the room with all the other screaming babies and then she came home and my father held her to the muscles of his chest and i held onto his leg and cried and my mother told me she would take me down to the basement if i didn’t stop crying now there will be two others
i want him to be a lawyer my mother says and i hear the swishing in my ear my mother’s stomach is warm and full of hot water and my little brother floats in a belly full of blood just waiting to run out any day now
there’s never been one of us who’s been a lawyer and my son is not going to dig ditches that’s dirty work for dirty peopleyour whole life you have dirty handsand dirty clotheswe’re better than that she rubs her hands slowly over her stomach and looks down at how swollen it is
we’ll name him john
then came james
then came robert
then came paul
and there were six and not one
lonnie is holding my hand and i am slipping on the mud by the side of the river in the tall reeds
my father said i was never supposed to go down there in the river he said there was a shit line that ran from the buildings up by the spitting devil bridgeall the piss and shit from those buildings floated down the river in a long line and that’s what you’d be swimming inand there were whirlpools he saidyou don’t want to get sucked down into those whirlpools do youdo you even know how to swim
lonnie says whatsa matter you chicken or something you gonna do everything your parents tell you all the timeyou ever gonna have any fun ever
my father says it doesn’t matter where we are in the neighborhood he can see us he knows where we are he knows what we do and he’ll find out what we do some how someway
keep you dress clean mary alice fold your hands mary alicethis will take me all morning to clean this up mary alicelord have mercy what will i do with you mary alicedo you want to go down to the basement againmary alice
we walk along the path and the sun is on his side a shadow stretches just in front of me and i try not to step on his shadow because shadows are realthey are the opposite of light they show us what we are to ourselves our shape and form in reflection of what we are supposed to be and what we fearthat is the shadowlike the pursuer who lives in my room and follows me to the park and is probably lurking on the banks of the river right now snickering waiting for lonnie to go into the bushes to change into his shorts to swim and he will lean over me and i’ll hold my breath and hope it ends soonhe’s thereevery one of my fears in a pointy sketch of a cartoon specter leaning over me
lonnie turns and his shadow disappears okay he says and he sits downcome on sit down and he pats the ground
my dress will get dirty
just sit down he says it’s fine just relax for once what’s the matter with yousome days you talk and chatter away and you’re all well you know how you are those days and sometimes i can’t get a word out of you