It is my first day back to class.
I’ve been sleeping at Tori’s dorm with her for the past week. I still can’t seem to be able to walk inside of my lonely apartment. Riley has been going there every few days to dust and clean, just to keep things nice for when I do decide to go back.
I still haven’t talked to Riley about the whole being with my best friend thing. He feels like I’m mad at him for it, which must explain his maid-like tendencies.
I want to tell him that I’m not angry with him for being with Tori. I want to tell him that I miss him and I need him, but everytime I see him all I can think about is that he’s happy with the girl he wants to be with and I’m miserable without the boy I wanted to be with.
It’s a mixture of jealousy and anger when I see Riley with Tori and I know that’s not fair because it’s not his fault... but somehow I can’t stop blaming him.
That’s right, I actually blamed him for killing Landon and I’ll probably never forgive myself for doing so which is also causing me to want to ignore him even more.
I still cringe whenever I think about our last heated conversation that took place a couple of days ago.
“Sissy I brought you ice cream!” Riley cooed as he entered Tori’s dorm room.
“No thanks.” I mumbled as I took a water from the mini-fridge.
“Oh come on, it’s your favorite!” He whined, plopping down on the futon bed.
“Get out.” I stated while starring daggers at my brother.
“Why are you acting so childish, Liv?” He asked, pulling the pint of chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream out of the plastic bag and placing it on the bedside table.
“Only Tori can call me Liv... and no one is acting childish.”
“Yes you are. You haven’t spoken to me since you left the hospital.” He replied while kicking off his shoes and crisscrossing his legs on the bed before taking out his pint of s’mores ice cream.
At the mention of the hospital, the anger inside of me boiled.
“Get. Out!” I yelled.
“No. Not until we talk!”
“I don’t want to talk to you, Riley!” My words were cold and he noticed that I wasn’t going to give in.
“I don’t understand why you’re being this way. Fucking get over yourself already.” He rolled his eyes.
The tapping of my angry foot against the floor suddenly diminished and I could actually feel the redness grow within my cheeks. If this were a cartoon, I would have smoke coming out of my ears.
“Get over myself? Are you fucking kidding me! Who do you think you are coming over here to MY best friend’s dorm room and telling me to get over myself?”
“Tori is MY girlfriend, so I’ll come over to HER dorm room whenever the hell I feel like it. Plus, it’s obvious you’re jealous that I’m stealing your best friend away from you. Poor Olivia is all alone now.” He mocked in a high-pitched voice.
My heart shattered at his words and I wanted to scream. His eyes widened once he realized what he just said to me and I could see the regret filling into his eyes.
“Dammit Olivia... I’m sorry.” He muttered standing up from the bed.
“You know what Riley? I am alone. In fact, I have never felt this alone before in my entire life. Do you know why? Because my own brother killed the love of my life and the father of my child and now he’s standing in front of me with ice cream thinking that everything is just fine and dandy, WHILE he’s dating MY best friend without even asking me if I was okay with it! So YES, I am all alone now. Thank you for pointing that out!” I yelled.
Riley winced at my sudden outburst and once he fully registered everything that I said, his eyes turned cold. He hesitantly put down his pint of ice cream next to mine and slowly bent down to put his shoes back on.
He gave me a quick glare before walking straight to the door of Tori’s dorm room.
Just before he pulled the door open and stormed out, he stopped and turned around to face me again.
“Thank you for finally talking to me, Olivia. You made everything perfectly clear.”
It’s safe to say that we both said things that we regret, but are both too proud to be the one to apologize first.
I want to apologize... so bad, but I can’t. Everytime I think about what he said to me, I get mad all over again.
He was right though, I do need to get over myself just a little bit. It’s been about three weeks since the accident and I am still grieving over it. I will probably grieve over it for the rest of my life, but I just pray that it gets easier as time goes on.
I want to be able to tell my child all about his or her father as they grow up. I want to be able to look at this child, seeing Landon in him or her, and still be able to smile. I want to feel happy and I want to believe that everything is going to get better... but it’s so hard.
Tomorrow will officially make me two months pregnant. While I was at the hospital, I found out that I was already five weeks pregnant and I was shocked to say the least. Landon and I had sex all the time but we were always smart about it. I was on the pill and he still used condoms. His words used to be, “We can’t have mini Landon’s and Olivia’s running around until we’re happily married and living in our own house. Duh! Degree’s come first, then bubbly little babies!”
It’s actually a little disturbing to still be able to hear his voice clearly inside of my own head. Sometimes it feels like he’s saying things right in front of me.
“Olivia... you need to concentrate. Class is almost over and you haven’t learned anything.”
“I know, Landon... I know.”
“Um, Liv... you alright?” I blinked a few times and there sat Tori, right next to me. She had a weird look on her face and I knew that she heard me.
“Y-yeah, I’m fine Tor. Sorry.” I mumbled while sinking lower into my seat.
Tori gave me a weary look and then continued listening to the professor give his lecture.
Great, now I’m hallucinating. Pull yourself together Olivia... it’s just your mind playing tricks on you.
“It’s no trick sweetie, I’m right here.”
“Stop! Just stop it!” I yelled.
I blinked a few times again, and this time the entire class was staring at me with looks of shock and confusion. I immediately stood up and grabbed my bag.
“Ms. Harper, is everything alright?” The middle-aged professor asked.
“I... I need to go.” With that, I darted for the classroom door and nobody followed me.
Once outside, I leaned up against the side of the building and placed my hands on my knees while taking a few deep breaths.
I stood up straight at the sound of my name.
I looked around and finally I saw him running towards me.
“Are you alright?”
“Leave me alone Noah.” I mumbled while picking up my bag from the ground next to me.
I started to walk away, only Noah followed me.
“You look like you just saw a ghost or something. I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay.” He said, becoming annoyed with my rude behavior towards him.
“Funny, now you decide to care about my feelings.” I blurted out while staring directly into his eyes.
“Olivia, come on. I’m sorry okay? How many times do I have to apologize?” He pleaded while placing his hand on my arm.
I quickly jerked away at his touch and blinked a few times. “A million times.” I stated then walked away from him. This time, to my delight, he didn’t follow me. Instead, he yelled after me.
“You know that I didn’t want what happened to happen!”
This caused me to stop dead in my tracks and turn around as fast as my feet would allow me to.
I quickly walked back over to him and stood directly in front of him, my face inches away from his.
“You mean you didn’t tell me to get an abortion because you wanted nothing to do with me or the baby?” I said with pure hatred laced in every word.
“Of course not! Is that the story you are still telling people? Apparently you got amnesia and forgot about that night...” He trailed off.
I looked at him completely dumbfounded.
“I forgot about that night? Um no! I remember that night perfectly! You-you said that you didn’t want to have this baby... you said that you weren’t in love with me anymore a-and you... you...” I was trying to fully recollect what happened on that night and I couldn’t for the life of me get the facts straight.
“Yeah, that’s not exactly what happened. You told me that you couldn’t have this baby because it would ruin your life and you told me that if I didn’t support you, you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You said that we were too young to be parents and that you couldn’t believe that it happened in the first place, since we used protection. I never suggested an abortion, Olivia! You’re crazy. I wanted to do adoption, or even try to raise the baby ourselves!” He yelled.
Crazy? Am I really going crazy? I don’t remember any of this.
“I... I don’t believe you! There’s no way I told you any of that Noah. And there’s certainly no way that you suggested us keeping the baby. You totally blew me off when I told you I was pregnant! Ugh, just go away!” I yelled back, turning to leave.
He quickly grabbed my arm and yanked me so I was facing him again.
“No Olivia! You decided on the abortion all on your own. You didn’t even discuss it with me, or even tell me when you were going to have the procedure. You confronted me after the fact and said ‘everything is taken care of.’ I didn’t even know what that meant until I asked Riley!”
Anger rose in my body again. “Riley spoke to you about me?”
“Yes. I went to see him a few days after our fight and he told me that you got rid of the baby because I told you that I didn’t want anything to do with you. I told him it wasn’t true, but he didn’t believe me obviously. You and your brother are attached at the goddamn hip!” Noah had his arms cross now over his chest as he spoke. I saw sincerity flash in his eyes, but I still didn’t want to believe a word he was telling me.
Riley was talking to Noah about me without me knowing. What else has Riley done withouth my knowledge?
“Then after that long weekend, I found out that you and Cavalier were a thing. I should have known you would go to him right after breaking up with me. It was only a matter of time. That boy was head over heels for you and you didn’t even notice him for half of your friendship. It’s no wonder he took out that anger on me when we fought each other.”
“DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT LANDON!” I shouted, finally fed up with this conversation.
“Face it Olivia... you forced yourself to believe your own lies so you wouldn’t feel as guilty about the abortion. I mean, I sort of understand... it’s not the end of the world. Besides, I hear you’re pregnant again now so at least you get a do-over.” He stated casually, finally letting his arms drop to his sides.
“Olivia... is he bothering you?” I turned around at the voice of my brother.
“Actually, both of you are. So bye.” I muttered as I turned on my heels and stomped away from both of their worried stares.
I don’t understand... is Noah right? He couldn’t be. Ugh, why can’t I remember the details of that night! I remember holding the pregnancy test stick in my hands dialing for Noah’s number. When he answered, I told him the news and he hung up on me... right? So, I went over to his house and demanded him to speak with me about it and that’s when he told me that he was too young for a baby and he didn’t want the baby or me anymore. I remember arguing with him, but... what all was said? If Noah is right, which I don’t think he is, that means that I lied to Tori about what happened that night too.
I inwardly sighed.
Frustrated with myself, I went into a nearby bathroom and slammed my bag onto the floor. I placed both hands on either side of the sink and starred at myself in the mirror. My hair was up in a messy bun with little pieces of hair poking out around it. The bags under my eyes have intensified with the lack of sleep I’ve been getting. My stomach ached, yelling at me to eat though I disobeyed. I looked like death myself and I knew that I needed to start taking better care of myself or I might be in danger of losing this baby.
I slowly lowered my hand and placed it over my stomach, rubbing small gentle circles.
I am just about two months pregnant, and I don’t even feel like it. I don’t have an ounce of happiness and I don’t want any of this to be happening. What has become of my life? I’m single, pregnant and completely falling apart at the seams.
My best friend is wrapped up in my brother... and my brother and I aren’t speaking. Landon is gone and I continuously feel an empty void in the pit of my heart.
Not only am I stressed about this baby, but I’m also stressed about the relationships around me that are slowly disintegrating.
I stood up straight and positioned myself so my back was up against the bathroom wall. I slowly slid down the wall until I was seated on the cold tile floor, with my knees up to my chest and my hands clutching each other around them.
Half of my life is gone and the one person in the entire world who could fix it is gone too.
“Mom... I wish you were here...” I quietly whispered to myself.
“I need you.” I sobbed.