“Olivia, how are you doing?” Noah suddenly asked.
“Oh, I’m fine.” I replied, pouring sugar into my hot tea.
“You’re getting big there.” He nervously laughed, scratching the back of his head.
“Um yeah, that happens.” I laughed.
“H-here, let me hold your bag.” Noah smiled while pulling my bag off my shoulder and walking with me to my class.
“You don’t have to do that...” I softly replied, looking down at my tea.
“I insist.” He smiled. “So, have you found out the gender yet?”
“Yes... it’s a boy.” I smiled thinking about my precious little bundle of joy.
“Awe, I bet you’re excited.”
“I am actually.” I replied.
“What do you mean actually?” He asked, raising his eyebrows as we walked.
“Well... I was a little hesitant at first about a boy. I just didn’t think I’d be able to handle seeing Landon’s face so much in the baby, because boys tend to hold more of their father’s genes and what not. I figured if I had a girl, she would look more like me and I wouldn’t be reminded of Landon every time I see my baby.” I shrugged, feeling stupid thinking about it.
“Well, you could have very well had a girl and it still would have reminded you of him. Even if she looked more like you... everytime you would’ve looked at her, you would’ve thought about him.” Noah sheepishly smiled.
“I suppose you’re right.” I smiled. “Anyways, this is my stop.”
“Right, well here you go.” Noah handed me my bag and I slung it over my shoulder carefully.
“Thank you for walking me to class Noah.” I smiled. “Oh and never tell a woman pregnant or not that she’s getting big. That is never a good conversation starter.” I chuckled.
“Anytime and I will definitely remember that.” He laughed while walking away.
I watched him walk away for a few seconds, thinking about how different my life might have been, have Noah and I stayed together and kept our baby. I will always feel horrible about terminating my first pregnancy, but at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. Neither of us were ready for that kind of responsibility.
I placed my right hand around my belly and smiled. I am happy how my life turned out and I am glad to be carrying Landon’s child. To get to keep a piece of him, this beautiful, will always feel right. No matter where I go, or what I do in life, I will always have Landon with me.
I entered class and sat down, ready for my lecture.
I pulled out my notebook and opened it at what I thought was the next blank page. What laid before my eyes almost made me start to cry.
“It’s you Olivia.” Was written on the page with the same little heart drawn next to my name as I remembered seeing it the first time when I was late for class one morning.
It’s you Landon. I thought to myself and began taking my notes.
After my classes for the day, I decided to meet up with Riley and Tori so they can drive me to my apartment.
I haven’t been here in months and I honestly do not know what to expect. I can’t even remember if I left the TV on or if I left any lights on. I don’t know if there was any food left over in the kitchen not put away or if the fridge door was left open. Too many thoughts were roaming around inside of my head.
I also did not want to see all of Landon’s things. I felt as though it were still too soon, but I knew I needed to get over this fast because this baby is coming whether I am prepared or not and I would rather have everything in order than to not.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Riley asked, as we pulled up to the apartment. It looked so foreign to me. The last time I was here, Riley and Tori were sharing a kiss at the front door. I smiled at the thought. Seems as though it has been an eternity.
“Yes, I need to do this now.” I replied, opening the car door and stepping out onto the curb.
“Would you like us to go inside with you?” Tori asked with a frown on her face.
“No. I need to do this alone. Thank you so much for putting up with me these last few months. I don’t know what I would have done without you Tor.” I could feel myself becoming emotional and I knew it was partially due to my pregnancy hormones.
“Anytime babe.” Tori smiled, pulling me in for a hug.
“Just call us if you need anything sis.” Riley smiled, giving me a hug as well.
“Thank you, I will.” I smiled.
Tori and Riley helped me take my bags to the front door and then they gave a final goodbye before leaving.
I took in a very deep breath before pulling out my keys from my bag and unlocking the door.
My hands began to shake as I stepped inside. I slowly reached for the light switch and when the lights came on, illuminating the small apartment, my heart sunk.
The place is spotless. The kitchen is clean and sparkling. There are no clothes thrown on the floors, and there is a big pink banner hanging over the window that says, “Welcome home Olivia and Baby!“.
My eyes immediately began to water as I placed my hands over my mouth in awe.
Both Riley and Tori made sure to clean my entire apartment before I came home. They knew I would be in absolute no mood to do any kind of cleaning and instead of letting me sit in my own filth, they took care of everything.
My eyes immediately wandered to the bed.
I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Landon’s side of the bed. The wound is still too fresh. Seeing the empty space would only remind me that he is gone and never coming back. I can’t.
Shaking my head of the painful thoughts, I brought in my bags and began unpacking my clothes. I put everything in its place, and I made sure not to touch ANY of Landon’s clothes.
I went into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge, again spewing a few tears after seeing that Riley and Tori managed to stock the fridge FULL of all my favorite snacks and drinks.
I grabbed a tea and shut the fridge, almost wishing I hadn’t even walked over here when I saw Landon’s blue apron hanging on the hook that hung on the kitchen wall. I remembered the many mornings I would wake up and Landon would be wearing nothing at all other than the apron while cooking us breakfast. Especially the most recent occurrence when I didn’t even get to eat my breakfast because Landon and I were interrupted by Riley who then ate all my food.
I chuckled at the memory.
The chuckle turned into a few light sobs and I slowly walked over to the dining room table and just sat down in complete silence. I began fidgeting with my fingers as I sat.
Pull yourself together Olivia because you will be okay.
Landon wouldn’t want you to sit here and lose yourself over it.
You need to stay strong for the baby. He needs you.
Landon loved you and always will.
You are NOT alone.
...you are not alone.
Desperate to turn my brain off for just a minute, I walked over to the bed and sat down on my side. I then turned the TV on and immediately froze.
Grey’s Anatomy was currently playing on the TV and I remembered that this exact show was playing the day that Tori called me telling me the boys had gotten into an accident. I quickly grabbed the remote and turned the TV off, tossing the remote on Landon’s side of the bed. I then laid down and curled up into a ball, pulling the blankets over my face as I cried.
Landon loved you and always will.
You are NOT alone.
...you are not alone.
Eventually, I fell into a deep sleep.
*Knock knock knock*
I huffed as I threw the blankets to the side and got up from bed.
*Knock knock knock*
“Haven’t you ever heard of the word patience?” I angrily asked through the door.
“Not at all, babe.”
I slowly pulled the front door open and standing before me with his million-dollar smile was Landon.
“L-Landon...” I barely spoke above a whisper.
“Expecting someone else? If so, I’ll kick his ass.” Landon teased, patting my head and walking past me inside the apartment.
“I love what you’ve done with the place.” He laughed, standing in the middle of the apartment.
“I haven’t um... done anything.” I replied.
“Exactly.” He winked at me. “So, you going to come give me a kiss or do I have to beg?” He motioned for me to follow him to the bed.
He sat down on the edge and opened arms, inviting me to embrace him.
I immediately and without any hesitation jumped into his arms and straddled his waist, wrapping my arms and legs around his body.
He feels so real.
“I am real babe. I’m real right inside here.” He poked his finger against my chest and smiled down at me.
“Now, how about that kiss?” He smiled with his beautiful wide brown eyes.
I didn’t think about anything other than the feel of his soft lips against my own. This was real; I was kissing Landon. I immediately deepened the kiss and pressed his body to my own, leaving no space in between.
I felt the warmth of his skin against mine and the wetness of his soft lips against my own. I could hear the sound of his beautiful heartbeat that was rapidly beating inside of his chest.
After our heated make-out sessions, we both laid down in bed side by side with my body tangled in his.
I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beating.
“I’m so happy you’re here.” I said, with a smile on my face.
“Me too babe.” He grinned, though I couldn’t see. “How’s the little guy doing?” Landon asked, brushing his fingers against my stomach.
“He’s perfect Landon! I can’t wait for you to see him!” I smiled up at him, wrapping my arms tighter around his waist.
“I know you’ll take good care of him Liv. You’re going to be an amazing mother.”
“You would have been an amazing father...” I trailed off, knowing that this was all just a dream.
“I will be, from Heaven. I will look down on him every single day of his existence, and I will make sure no harm comes his way. I will guide him spiritually and make sure he takes care of himself and of you. He will know that someone up above loves him very much. Including your mother.” Landon spoke so calmly and smoothly, I almost didn’t believe it was actually his voice speaking to me.
“Can you just stay here like this forever?” I felt the tears beginning to brew against my eyes.
“I wish I could, but sadly I will have to go soon.”
Landon heard my sobs and used his finger to lift my chin up, so I was looking at him in his eyes.
“Olivia, please don’t cry. I may be gone, but I am still always with you. Everywhere you go.” Landon frowned as I buried my head into his chest.
“I just... I don’t know how to live without you Landon. You are everything to me and I everytime I turn around, you are there. It is almost as if you are haunting me. I need you so much Landon, all the time. I can hardly sleep at night anymore... I always have nightmares about you and the accident. It has been permanently engraved into my brain. I try to think about other things, anything that will take away the horrible thoughts, but it never happens. I just wish this were real... I wish you were really holding me telling me everything will be okay.” I sighed.
“Don’t you see Olivia, I am here. Holding you, comforting you, there for you. Anytime you want to see me, you just think about me really hard and I will come to you. You may not physically always see me, but trust me, I am there.”
“Okay...” I softly mumbled against his warm chest, tightening my arms around him desperately trying to keep him there for as long as possible.
“You don’t need to be afraid babe. You can do this. I know you can. You are the strongest woman I know and I love you so much. This baby will have the best life possible and it will be all because of you. I don’t want you to cry over me, I want you to smile for me. I want you to live for me and I want you to be you... for me. Can you promise me you will do that Olivia?”
I picked my head up and saw Landon slowly starting to vanish from under me.
“No Landon, stay!” I yelled trying to hold onto him tighter.
“Promise me Olivia...” Landon repeated.
“I promise Landon, I promise.” I softly said, as his body completely vanished and I woke up feeling cold where his warmth once was around me.
“...I promise.” I mumbled out loud into the quiet air. “I love you...”
And then, everything went black again as I drifted off into another round of sleep.