I tried to move, but I couldn’t. The walls around me began to feel like they were caving in. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to say something, anything... but to no avail.
He was gone, just like that. My world was falling apart by the millisecond and I could feel the veins in my heart shattering. A broken heart? No. What I was feeling was much, much worse. I felt like I could die right here and now and that is exactly what I wanted in that moment. I wanted to die. I wanted to let go and be with him on the other side of life.
I collapsed at the words Claire had said to me and there was no one there to catch me but her. Her arms engulfed around me and I tried my best not to get tears all over her.
“Olivia I am so, so sorry... but Landon is gone.”
Those were the words circling around in my head like a vicious tornado, destroying everything in its wake. All the memories, all the good feelings, and all the love I had. It was all gone in that one moment. I felt everything at once, but I also felt nothing at all.
“P-please... n-no...” was all I could manage through sniffles and tears.
“Would you like me to call Riley?” She asked. Her words laced with sympathy and concern.
I could not answer, so I slowly nodded my head, never making eye contact with her.
Riley showed up in a matter of ten minutes, out of breath from running I assumed. He looked at Claire for reassurance, but all she did was shake her head slowly.
Riley stood still for a moment, unable to move or speak. He slowly located me at the corner of the room where I sat on the floor, my knees curled up to my chest.
“O-Olivia...” He managed to choke out.
All I could do was look up at him for a split second. My eyes burned with tears and I could actually feel the redness that circled them. The puffiness of my cheeks hurt from the muscles of my face permanently frowning.
I blinked a couple of times before reuniting my face with my hands, burying my head into my lap again.
Riley was beside me in an instant and he slowly slid his back down the wall until he was sitting beside me on the floor. He slowly wrapped his right arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest.
I clung to him as if my life depended on it and let another round of sobs escape my lips.
Landon was gone. He was actually gone. My best friend and my love. It was as if half of me was ripped away while the other half struggled to keep a hold, to keep me together.
The one thing I feared the most has happened. The one thing I prayed to never endure. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the feeling that was surrounding me. I needed to keep fighting.
“No, no okay! He’s not gone!” I yelled.
I ran to his bedside once more and placed both hands on his shoulders violently shaking him. His lifeless body moved with me, but nothing more than that.
“Landon! Landon please wake up! Don’t do this... Don’t you dare do this to me! After everything we’ve been through how dare you leave me!”
Riley and Claire just stood in place, not moving an inch. Claire looked frightened and Riley looked worried.
“Olivia... stop, please.” Riley mumbled as he tried to grab my right shoulder.
“No! Leave me alone!” I smacked Riley’s hand away and pushed him. His back smacked against the wall and I heard him wince upon impact. I could have hurt his arm, but at that moment, I didn’t care.
Claire jumped into action and ran across the room to make sure Riley was okay. She looked over his arm and walked him to the other side of the room away from me. She knew there was no reasoning with me. She knew no words could be said to make this okay.
Still struggling to accept anything, I began doing anything possible to get Landon to open his eyes. I continued violently shaking him and yelling in his pale face. I even started doing CPR for a couple of minutes, just shoving my hands against his chest and pressing down with everything that I had.
“Landon this isn’t funny anymore, okay? You can wake up now. Please... I’ll do anything. I-I’ll clean the entire apartment. I’ll do the d-dishes every morning even though I hate it. I’ll c-cook anything you want even if it taste like shit. I’ll just do it all, I promise. I’ll do anything...”
I was starting to lose oxygen. I realized that I wasn’t breathing correctly. Still, I kept going. Claire and Riley could do nothing but watch in horror and pray that I finally calm down and realize what’s happened.
I must’ve been screaming for a long time because I didn’t even realize that Tori was now in the room with us, her eyes filled with tears. She knew that her best friend was broken, that I was broken.
A few moments later, Landon’s doctor came into the room. With sympathetic eyes, he walked over to Landon. He went to turn off the machines, and I immediately pushed his hand away.
“No! Don’t you dare touch him! Leave him alone, he’s fine!” I screamed. I couldn’t see anymore as the blurriness from my tears and the puffiness from my eyes blocked my vision.
Another team of nurses came in and one of them tried to pull me away from Landon. I was so caught up in my own head that I didn’t realize I punched the poor woman in the face, causing her nose to bleed.
“Ow! Someone please get me an ice pack!” She said dryly as she walked away from me and out of the room.
“Olivia please! You need to calm down!” Tori pleaded as she tried grabbing my arm.
I shrugged her off of me and began shaking Landon again. “Landon please... just wake up.”
The room fell silent and then Landon’s doctor said the words I couldn’t even bare to comprehend, let alone hear.
“Time of death: 1:45pm.”
“Nooo!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “No he’s not dead! Don’t you dare write anything in his chart, don’t you dare shut off his machines! No, Landon baby please...”
I bent down over top of him and cupped his face with my hands. I pressed my forehead against his cold one.
“I love you, okay? I love you so much. You are my entire world. I will never love anyone the way that I love you. Do you hear me? Never!”
I kissed his cold, dead lips and shuttered at the touch. His lips weren’t soft and warm like they once were. His lips were unrecognizable. They were not Landon’s lips anymore.
Landon’s doctor came to my side of the bed and placed his hand on my shoulder. “You turned him off. You killed him! What the hell is wrong with you?”
At this point, I blacked out. I began punching and kicking the doctor so hard, that he fell over on top of Landon. One of the nurses called for security and the next thing I knew the lights were out and I was asleep.
It’s crazy how heart-breaks work. As you start to accept the world and what’s happening around you, you start to feel the stinging sensations from your heart out to the tips of every limb. Fingers and arms prickling with the overwhelming pain of heart break, feeling your heartstrings ripping away from attachment.
You eventually feel nothing anymore. You know that you don’t deserve it, and you know that you’re hurt and losing your sanity, yet you feel nothing... just a tear strolling down your face. Like a device unplugged. You know it’s there, but it’s just not on. You feel nothing because you are so conditioned to the feelings inside that are almost on a repetitive loop engulfing your entire being over and over again.
The instant replay of Landon’s last words to me keep on playing over and over.
“Olivia! Landon woke up!”
I quickly said “on my way!” and hung up the phone.
“Tori! Landon is awake! We have to get to the hospital like now!” I urged, yanking her from her seat.
“Oh my god! Let’s go!” She yelled, picking up her purse and running off with her hand in mine not caring about the food she left behind.
We drove to the hospital in silence as I tried to wrap my head around his actually being awake. I could finally kiss and talk to my Landon.
We reached the hospital in record time and I darted for the entrance, not caring about the numerous stares that were following me. Tori was right behind me after locking the car doors and throwing her purse over her shoulder.
I reached his room and slowly opened the door. What I saw is something I will never forget.
Claire was talking with Landon’s mom and dad while Landon was sitting straight up in bed, a small smile on his face.
“Landon!” I yelled throwing myself at his bedside. I instantly got into bed and wrapped all four of my limbs around his body, squeezing him into my side.
“Oh my god, Landon. You don’t know how scared I was!” I playfully smacked his arm. “Don’t you EVER do anything like this again! Do you hear me?”
“Olivia...” He replied softly.
I looked down into his tired brown eyes and I could feel water forming around mine.
I let the tears around my eyelids fall and I pressed my head into the crock of his neck.
“It’s you Landon. It’s so you.”
I heard awws around the room and I looked up to see Landon’s mom, dad, Tori and Claire all standing around the bed with tears and smiles plastered on their faces.
“Liv, I’m going to go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat.” Tori spoke up soon after.
“Tor, you just ate at the mall.” I deadpanned.
“Yes, but I had to leave the rest there and I wasn’t quite satisfied.” She teased.
“Same old Tori.” I heard Landon say as he slowly looked up and over at my best friend.
Tori smiled and touched his hand briefly before leaving the room.
“Well, we are going to go back to the hotel and get some things in order. We will leave you two love-birds alone.” Landon’s mother chirped as she grabbed her husband’s arm and practically yanked him out.
“Goodbye Mrs. Cavalier.” I said softly.
Claire left the room as well and it was just Landon and me together again. Alone.
“I can’t believe you did this to me.” I scolded.
“Hello to you too, beautiful.” He chuckled.
“Don’t try to charm your way out of this. Riley told me what happened in the car. Was your music really that important?”
“At the time, yes.” He joked.
“It’s not funny, Landon. I thought I lost you forever. Do you have any idea how that feels?” My eyes began to water again and I looked away from him.
He gently lifted his good arm and pulled my face gently by my chin so I was looking at him again.
“Olivia Harper... I cannot even begin to express how sorry I am for hurting you. I know this is serious and I’m just as scared as you are. Jokes are the only way to cope for me I guess. The thought of not being with you hurts trust me. While I was out you were all that I saw. Every day I was in the coma you were it. Your face, your smile, your eyes, your hair. Everything. It was all you.”
His eyes looked glossy and I could tell he was holding back tears. I guess he is just too manly to cry.
I gently pressed my face against his and I looked deep into his eyes.
“I love you. Promise me you won’t ever leave me again.”
“I promise, Olivia. I promise.”
I slowly brought my lips to his and the instant we touched Landon started violently shaking. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and foam was coming from his mouth.
“Landon! Oh god no! Landon please!” I tried rolling him over on his side so he wouldn’t choke on himself, but he was too heavy for me.
“Someone help! Please hurry, somebody!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Landon’s machines started making all kinds of crazy beeping noises and in an instant a storm of nurses came rushing through his hospital room door.
“Alright, let’s turn him over guys. You, get a crash cart!” One of the male nurses spoke calmly to another nurse.
They all sprang into action so fast I couldn’t even comprehend what was happening. One of the nurses pushed a syringe of liquid into Landon’s IV and after a few moments, the seizing stopped.
The monitors were still beeping rapidly and one of the nurses ripped open Landon’s hospital gown revealing his pale chest.
“Mike, charge to 200!” The male nurse grabbed the defibrillator paddles and rubbed them together.
“Clear!” He pressed the paddles to Landon’s chest and shocked him. Landon’s body instantly jumped upward as the electricity made it’s way through his body.
“Okay, charge to 300 Mike!” He rubbed the paddles once more. “Clear!”
Another dose of electricity pierced through Landon’s body, and again, nothing happened.
“Why isn’t he waking up! Somebody fix him!” I screamed. Claire tried holding me back but I wouldn’t let her take me out of the room.
The male nurse shocked Landon once more and finally he put the paddles back on the crash cart.
He looked over at Mike and shook his head.
I instantly knew what that meant. That’s when the world stopped moving. That’s when the largest piece of me died. That’s when I knew that life as I knew it was never going to be the same again.
My eyes slowly fluttered open and I looked around the room. The walls were pale and the room smelled like sterile cleanser.
I tried to speak but the dryness of my mouth prevented anything from coming out. I looked to my left and there was a glass of water sitting next to my bed on the bedside table. I reached out to grab the glass when I felt an instant sting shoot through my arm.
I looked down and noticed the IV. I slowly grabbed the water and emptied the contents of the glass.
I looked around the room and it was empty. No one but myself was in here. I started to panic.
I looked to the right of me and pressed the call button signaling a nurse to come into the room.
When Claire walked in uneasily, I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.
“Claire, w-what happened?” I asked.
She gave me a longing look and the frown she wore was an instant slap to the face. The memories of earlier in the day flooded back to me in an instant.
“L-Landon, where’s Landon!” I urged, trying to sit up in bed.
“Olivia... Landon is gone.” She said calmly.
I shook my head as the tears began to resurface.
“Oh Claire... I’m so sorry. I acted ridiculous.” I cried.
Claire immediately rushed to my side and engulfed me in a hug. I rested my head against her chest and sobbed uncontrollably.
“Shh... there, there. It’s going to be alright dear. You can get through this. You have to for the baby’s sake.”
I froze. I completely froze.