What I’m I in this world but a penniless individual trying to touch the greats but when the grief comes I am no longer able even to live in the normal everyday manners.
“If you want to read just go home and stay there you bitch.” She seems to be saying to her mobile as her crass voice becomes louder and louder. How dare you pretend to be disabled and hard up and not even able to work when you do work all day I can see the results bitch.”
“I know who you are bitch and that is that. I am able to stop your allowance and make you do the right thing by working every day for a job like a bath room attendant and all that is what you are good for.”
“It is intolerable.” I seem to be saying with my eyes on her stupid idiotic face and she not looking at me but at the mobile. I wish she would bloody eat her bloody mobile.
“I want to read the ending of my book.” But I snap the book shut and look at her pimp I glare at him with myself exhausted. He is sat at the back row of the train then he flares back. You know these people think I am stupid.
I notice some young people with flowers and decadence with each into themselves as they get off the train and walk quickly by. I am shocked by the power of selfish thoughts to read a book seems to be what is making all this happen. They are objecting to my reading a book so that I won’t pass my exams I find this behaviour most strange and I will be getting angry with them soon. You know these peoples’ mums must have dropped them as babies that are why they want to sit beside me telling me sweet nothings. It stands to reason they can’t have any other use for me? I am 52.
I wretch I wretched. I named as such in my own tongue Turkish, Aba means wretched and I am wretched. I see that now that not only am I a cloak to others but that there are no cloaks to me. I wretch and reaching out towards tomorrows when nothing changes where I lose each day something and gain nothing in return.
Everything happens, and one soldiers on, no points gained nothing given just this soldiering on. I wretched to see myself so in this disguise as a fiend in sheep’s clothing wants to humiliate and hunt me down as any animal in the fox hunt. I wretch to see such inhumanity cannot do justice to self or others as I am getting tired of this game with the fangs out with odium as my lot. Beastly bargain of bane as my contempt for life gains precedence over my desires. I have a phobia about myself as I am now. Rosemary West like face I have even her bulk. I malicious without intent to harm self-have harmed the child in me. I have become a nasty piece of goods horrid to see myself humbling myself for anyone and now see myself and my wrath detesting myself repugnance and some kind of nausea myself alienated from myself as if broken into two. This enmity to self is the antipathy of my wishes. I have an aversion to myself I detest myself. Pleased to goad myself into a humbled position invidious self this selfish self. I snarl at the self that was that knew peace now self and self are at odds and the pack of bastards have come into me self-tormenting me as if the world was not speaking to me as if I a dirty ditty told in the tune of time.
Give me a certificate then to while away the blues? You know whores have certificates don’t they? Too much reality TV my dear there is no such thing as a whore when one has only had one boyfriend. Is that what my mum is saying about me that I need or deserve a certificate because she needs some bitch to fetch and carry her?
Oh, to wish that Mum was like Queen Anne Stuart with 18 pregnancies and none surviving her. She is surviving nothing her end in the coils of the birth cry. She would cause union with Scotland and Ma can’t cause a union with union Jack. To cause a death to an era that is what mum might do. She might cause the wickedness of the daughters to marry for the family and to kill that daughter if she does not marry, that man or this man. To keep her from doing anything she wants, to beget more children that she does not and cannot look after. To make her sleep with a man, her husband, and she to sleep walk forever with such a man to succumb to passions that this man inspires and the spirit to leave her in the endless toil that the family have chosen for her to have willed her to have. To cause that to end would be good wouldn’t it? It must end this mindless bigotry about the female must end. There is no such thing as a brainless female why treat us the female as mindless oafs within the confines of the bed when we are just as reliable if not more so than the men? No way I’m I to be sat upon unless it is a sex act. No more shall we females have our labour thrown out with the babies.
Oh, this justified murder of mine to see myself murdered and to tell no tales. To see myself preyed upon and not to be able to scream. To see myself in the toils of the ashes of my unreason and telling myself not to worry that it will pass. To see myself in the thrills of passion and not be able to do anything but submit.
Submit to what? What am I but an ugly bitch on heat? I see myself thrown into the fires and be unable to save myself to suffer from the heat and to see nothing but selfish desires of everybody. I am unwanted and a burden on this earth. To burn in disgrace and to tell no one but myself that it would pass. To light myself into the light and be unable to warn myself that I am exposed that I suffer from exposure will die in the light as if the flame is beckoning me towards something that is too big for me to undo. Inexorably I go and will continue to go for cannot undo this fascination of mine this is me into the flames and out the other end what will change? I will change there won’t be the me I know there won’t be anything but Rosemary West.
Would I murder too? Would there be no light for me would there be nothing of me? Would I be unwilling to light the spark of today? Will I change to such an extent that I will be annexed into some sort of a parade? Where would I go if nowhere is open for me? What can I see of this self that I have thrown into the flames? I can’t see to light my fires I can’t see to be myself there is no one. Here are the selfish wants of today here is me the woman now the midlife has come with the knowledge of womanhood. Where did I go? Where in the world did I end, and I begin?
I see nothing but this mayhem they are following me willing me to suffocate. They are following me to suffocate this thing which I am made of. I am made of candy and floss I floss my teeth almost daily. I have chipped my teeth with the electric brush. I have haunted the chemist and bought hair dye I have begun to lose weight do I still look like Rosemary West? I change my underpants daily I change my socks daily I soak in the tub at night and have a shower in the morning. I cook myself lunch and I eat sparingly. Is this all that civilisation demands of me? What is there but to see that everything is taken care of? The planet we have forgot the planet to have all that we need to take as much care if not more of the planet.
“We’ve all forgot to clean the plates that we have eaten out of. Look the rivers are being cleaned!”
“Throw yourself into the river you damn fool. Throw all the linen too into the waste basket there’s nought for you here it is over you are a trouble. Humans be extinct be extinct your extinction is neigh. Here I write it on that wall that we haven’t made out on. We will become no more because there is no one to care.”
“Planet what planet?”
“The earth planet we have forgot to take care of it.”
“When did the planet become a victim?”
“No, the planet is the victim.”
“No nonsense the queen is in the parlour eating bread and honey.”
“What happened to the servants of the planet the foot soldiers?”
“They’ve expired into the night.”
“Was there no day?”
“No there is nothing on this planet but greed.”
“Which dog ate who?”
“The dogs don’t eat each other. Only humans do.”
“Like how do call girls become call girls?”
“They are born to it.” The prince says.
“No, I don’t believe that. We aren’t born to it we are made.”
“You a whore too?”
“Yes, because I have the body of a whore, and a mind like Keats.”
“I watch you every night in that bath and I watch the Sun page 3 girls there are not sluts except the kind you are.”
“Page 3 girls are not whores they do it for a lark.”
“No, I bed them. I bed them I bed them.”
“Because they are young and not too defiled and have prospects and life. I want to suck their lives dry like you sucked mine.”
“I don’t understand you pick these page 3 girls and have they and then dumped them after showing them the high life?”
“Are you mad?”
“I’m inhuman don’t listen to these meanderings they are meaningless tosh.”
“But these girls haven’t harmed you?”
“They are women aren’t they? Female or something like not a male.”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“I wanted one body I want one body that is no more you are in the time of has been your body is no longer of interest to me. I want them at 20 at 22 not at 30.”
“You got to be joking?”
“I never joke about sex.”
“Especially not money and position and power.”
“Is that what it is?”
“What is it?”
“Power is the ultimate sex.”
“But this orgy of destroying young lives don’t you see these girls are young and not into the game as yet and you push them?”
“I punish you through them.”
“Should I be flattered?”
“No, you should be canonised you didn’t sleep with me you made me impotent.”
“I don’t see the jest do you?”
“I’m not joking. I can’t function without that I wished to have.”
“You want your dummy?”
“What dummy are you talking about?”
“I mean you can use a doll if you are so into sex without feelings.”
“Feelings come after sex?”
“Not with me I want to respect to be on a date to see your habitat then I will consider it.”
“I don’t inhabit any habitat as you call it. I am in hell most deeply. I have fallen out of love with the woman I am condemned to see every day and to watch her sleep in her sweet dreams as if she is on an island and she doesn’t want sex with me.”
“I can’t I dislike the very thought of it is like I will be in a trap without the trap door. It will drive me mad.”
“You are mad.”
“Then a man?”
“I wish I were I would beat the hell out of you if I were.”
“You could always have a sex change?”
“Don’t want it.”
“What will you do for the rest of your life?”
“I’ll probably do nothing.”
“You mean you are content to just fuck about doing nothing but fucking about doing fuck all.”
“I’ve been had.”
“Someone walked off without paying their bill.”
“You shall be able to do the job by now. Silly creature now you have to work for nothing.”
“Oh God what a mistake to make and they seemed such quiet and hardworking son and man.”
“Don’t worry it is not the end of the world.”
“But now father will say I am incompetent and will throw a tantrum that I haven’t been attending and have an attention deficit. I wish I were dead and buried so that I can think myself into some sort of life. This is not living this is destroying me.”
“Now we’ve upset the cook.”
“They haven’t paid they haven’t paid.”
“What is it love?”
“Someone hasn’t paid.”
Laughter in the cafe as all the men look aroused as if their bile is satisfied. They all look as if to say we have won I told you so as if the joke was on the house. It was an ending it was thought Emine. It was a sort of death it was being incompetent it was incompetence itself it was as if no one liked her as if she was some sort of slave.
“Shall we go and get them?”
“Then we rest our case love we’ve ordered a bacon sandwich where is it?”
“When did you make it?”
“When you asked me ten minutes ago.”
“Look love are you selling yesterdays’ food?”
“You can’t do that to a sandwich it will be inedible if you do.”
“It is nice to know that.”