I looked into the relationship what do I see nothing more than lies and empty thinking of misbelieving of being took and nothing else and when I tried to do the same he made hell.
He murdered my dreams he murdered everything I believed in. He murdered the good fairy and left the bad fairy. All hell broke loose, without the good fairy there was mayhem. He murdered in his way himself. Mum saw to it that there was nothing for him in the end and she playing cat and mouse with us about the inheritance now. We will inherit nothing the soldiers will get it. The Turkish soldiers with their rifles and their blood because they gave mum their blood and saved her when I was too young to give blood only sixteen you see.
I can’t see the way to end all this where will it end? What can happen? Nothing good came out of me there is nothing but blood in my vagina and it has seeped into my brain destroying me and destroying all the good will there is. I have no friends left. There are nobodies about to pack themselves off into the orbit. I am left clutching at straws. Where is he that I lost and won? Was he the man who came to the shop with his men? Is he the one who did all the cruelties to the shop? Pretending to be what he isn’t all the time he should have been an actor but he is so unbelievably modest about himself his position and his lack of trust. I will grow to love or him. I wish the former but know it will be the later. He is like all the rest. He is and all. I can’t trust anyone it seems.
I go round the bend and into my bed and he is trying to do it like we do it normally for hours but my blood having let go of my body I feel tired as if a monster has drained me. I fear to crackle instead I fear to hold on and it is as if he is letting go too. I fear to love didn’t he know that? What rights do I have but nothing more than the dress codes and be polite. Is there such a thing as commitment and families and belonging I always wanted to belong to someone and now it appears I don’t. I don my skirt and then don my trousers and think it is as if my sadness will eat me up. I am all alone again it is such a shame to be alone with my dreams intact but my body in tatters. At least this time it was not my mind that ran away it is my body waving the last rites. I am always amused to see what will happen in a relationship I can’t stick at it. I go haywire just sensing that there is me and there is now and it is over before it has begun I will not be anybody’s play. Men shall not trifle with me. I am not to be amusement I am not an arcade. Then I think about it an arcade and rides and bumps and I fear I will go mad. Home in a wheel cart.
I am destitute little miss without the will power to say no. I wish I was dead and buried then it will be over and done with I will not bow out in shame it is less shameful then I thought it is over without anyone sensing my loss or oppression it is as if I am on fire with all the hell bending its direction at me.
Rottweiler came and I say that the man should be muzzled and I mean it you know the man should be muzzled because he nearly attacked my dog. I to see my Susie hurt. I get her home we start to cuddle and I cut her extra matted hair she loves that. She is a silly Susie.
The neighbour says “had a good Christmas?”
“Wonderfully quiet nothing to do all day but eat the usual mead.”
What a pity she seems to be saying but she can’t even she does not have the indecency to say that.
She is obviously impressed that I haven’t told her the story of my Christmas even a brief glimpse into my domestic situation did not help overcome her spleen. I am so engrossed with getting the bins out and sweeping the leaves without seeming to notice neighbourly tensions and a teenager sitting quietly by digesting what we are saying.
“Christmas is a time of family.” She glares that is his new flame I thought that is his new flame.
“So, it is.”
“It is a time to spend with the family like nature intended.”
“It is the obvious thing to do.”
“Where else can families start and be happy?”
“Nowhere I’m sure.”
“Home is sweet home.”
“Homesick I am!”
“You go and see if your poor mum is in need of something.”
“I am sure she is sick and tired of not being told that the hymn is on the next page and not this page. This is the hymn book we all sing at.”
“But you are a Muslim?”
“We all sing the same tune.”
“And dance the merry jig.”
“That is right. I’ve never seen you dance Jane?”
“I’ve seen you dance though?”
“When was that?”
“Just now bitterness comes to me more frequently.”
“It must bring tears into your eyes.”
“It brings the justice of morality and the immoral have nothing to do with this street this is a nice decent street with everyone celebrating Christmas and New Year in the style of their mothers. I don’t care if you are yellow or black or red just to celebrate Christmas in the way that Jesus intended.”
“I hope so Jane. It will be awful for poor Jesus to be left out in the cold.”
“Yeah out in the streets like the devil intended.”
“But the devil walks in a sisterly manner from the North east to the South west.”
“Just like the evil witch” Jane said.
“Oh to see the whites of your eyes to listen to the chiming of the good old bells and the carols of Christmas is more than a poor sinner can bear.”
“What did you say dear Jane?”
“That the whitewashed walls need to be washed and the truth hidden from all prying eyes as if it will contaminate the social order and bring dementia into the land. It is all yours this fault for being a foreigner.”
“What brought on that but I didn’t do anything but try to survive.”
“You are foreign and you don’t believe or think like we do.”
“I hope not. That would be awful to think in a narrow cage like you Jane.”
“How are your delightful grandchildren?” I add to Jane’s discomfiture.
“We aren’t allowed near them thanks to you.”
“Oh good thing that.”
Sweeps the leaves into the bin and cuddles the broom as if it were the male organ. Then realises and stays away from the discussion. The husband was thwarted out of the grandchildren and she will now forever be my d enemy.
She wants me to become homeless and I want to see her not see her grandchildren and we are even. These people never listen what a grand dad can do. They think to monopolise the child and to give it rides is a good thing. A grand dad should be seen and not heard if he is then someone must tell him so. Jane is sore and she sweeps as if she is sweeping me aside brushing my objections to her aiding her husband’s lusts in the wrong direction. He has the money that must be the reason that she is supporting him in his game. I will not be moved the children must be placed with their parents. Jane is so upset she is glaring at the teenage lad sat observing all this and not being a lad myself I am hiccupping with the effort at understanding what is going on around me.
There is something going on and something awful has been averted and I am in the wrong arms or the right arms because Tom is not on now. I blotted my copy book by asking for 4 houses. He says if I am to have 4 homes then I have to say yes to every sexual favour he wants and that is making me cry because I won’t say yes to everything he says it is humanely not possible. It is making me itchy to make him grovel for it. I am so moved that I even not want his bloody homes. But I do feel insecure like as if I will become homeless and destitute because I have got better and the damn government has frozen my income.
A man has to look after if he has the means and he won’t accept responsibility and I don’t know where I stand it is as if all these companions of my middle age have seeped into everything. Tom is in the dog house so I’m I. I can’t battle with everyone all the time can I? Oddly feel alive and hurt no more as if I have been rubbed and dusted. I fear to feel you see it is as if my nerve is going.
I would get everything wind up. It is impossible I went and got a blood test and today I have been to the doctor and the nurse I am fearful I will look haggard and worn all the time again. I am going to forget all about men. I might even forego sex altogether it will be alright just like old times. Oh God I feel awful.