Mum has had an assessment was just in time to see to it that she is represented as she really is and not the logician she pretends to be.
The counselling sessions will begin and I will see to it she attends she doesn’t know yet what I have set in motion when she finds out it will be out of sight out of mind. If only the money will arrive then I can pay for the house and it will be mine and no one else’s it will be mine won’t it? No one would evict me then will they? I mean now if Tom and I argued it will mean Tom has the master bedroom and I will have to sleep on the sofa won’t it? Anyway it is a bit confusing isn’t it? Where on earth do I stand in all this?
I mean I feel a bit silly arguing with Tom where I will stand if we argued and it is turning into a big great row. Anyway it is a bit like saying if I banged the teapot will it break and breaking the teapot to see if it will break. I don’t understand it but it has turned out to be a great big row without end and it is twisting me into a bitter old hag. I see lines on my face and I look pale and older as if the bloom I have had has disappeared with the blood.
The ex was there he looked at me with animosity he thinks I am going to have another of those disastrous relations I usually have maybe he is right? I just want to move into the bedroom permanently and not get up. It is as if all the bloody hounds are after me. I go outside and there is everyone with their mobiles all looking the other way as if I am contaminated. Their poor boss was right about me I am a bloody mad woman. The things my ex had to put up with and I think they are wrong. It is making me madder than ever and I fear I will do something so bad that I would be smelly for the rest of my life. Then I pull myself together and walk away. It is not worth figuring out what to do because the fight is over. I am finished maybe everyone is right about me after all?
There is no sense in all this as if the senselessness of it has me impaled I am after all a maddening woman. I am no madder than all the rest of those women in the adverts wanting their husbands to cook the dinner are I? I imagine if Tom did the dinner? He would never do it I will try to make him do the dinner than realise he will not because no one knows about him and me because I don’t know where I stand with him. He is a despicable nerd you know. Men are good only for two things and they are unprintable.
When life gets you down and where there is nowhere to go where do all the lames go to? I am forced to listen to this drone of my head forever one guy and then the next as if the crippled me is the essence they are after and they fight over me until they get what they want then they forget and go to the next one and the next as if I am china I will break. What happens when lovers don’t meet what happens when someone s your guts they will cripple themselves and their empires for you? I’m imagining all this so lazy mother says looking into the TV as if that is the answer to life.
I fear to go out in case the ex comes I fear to tread on someone in case they break I fear too much too many things as if my world is upside in. I am channelling to go outside when the phone rings it is odd someone from hell is on the phone calling us Mum and I as if we are the target of malicious rumours as if the rampant gossips are drunk on the elixir of life and they will never die and rest their bones. On graves and see that there is mortality; they will never die and go some place where deeds are weighed. When someone is found wanting. I fear to go out for fear has me in its talons and they all whisper at each other as if the joke is not on them. I fear to gossip in case someone is hurt. I fear myself most of all of what I am capable of the hurt I inflict if I set my mind to it.
There is a backlog of work and I fear to go near it in case it is overwhelming. I fear to go near anything approachable detachable in case it follows me. I fear so much it is hurting me it is me I am irreproachable someone is trying to poach me. There is a poacher about he is following me disgusting me with his glances as if I am whore and he a buyer. I fear to be handled in that manner. It is obscene what I’m I?
I detach myself from myself and look in on what is out. There must be some tits about? Is my bottom on show? Where am I? What is me out there attracting these hellish glances as if the night club owner has the vice girl. I fear to go outside looking in because the out is so ugly. I am reproached by demons they are chasing me is it imagination this? What are these? What hands have laid on me as if marked for sale? I go outside there is no one about there is this only this feeling that someone has marked me as if I were on sale. I say to self what sale where is the sale did I put myself up for auction and forgot? There is the quick buyer I fear to say something in case the grip gets tighter I fear to work in case I am molested.
I place the novels books all unread as if they are contaminated by that thing in one that says you are on sale. Dirty water runs through me as if the shower won’t wash it. The drain is there I am hopelessly in the drain there is no way outside there is only I looking in. What matters I? There is only this bargain hunting person and he is on the phone laughing hellish as if the needles and pins are all pricks on my hands blocking me writing this. I am in the knowledge of something he is there having a laugh. He has to destroy me before I destroy his business.
I did not mean to destroy Mac Donald’s, there is a loophole in that under age children should not be destroyed they should not be allowed in Mac Donald’s because getting fat is not healthy for their hearts. He is angry because of that then? I have done something to his business? There is millions at stakes but there is life at risk. The hungry lives’ who are at risk because someone’s business is going to stop. Look why is it not it healthy? Please, make it healthy for us all. It is like smoking isn’t it? The tobacco industry has the same problem haven’t they? Look did they try to kill the researchers like he has tried with me? I DO not mean to harm anyone but he has his call girl industry they do a good business don’t they? Don’t they? But I am powerless do not anyone remember me the one with no power washing the dishes? Wash them dry them and make sure they are stacked correctly.
I am prowling into my head to see if I can scream yet. Look I didn’t mean to harm your business it just happened that your business is corrupt and you are in the way. Children should not be fed junk food. That is the end out of the question it is big business it is so strange with me sat in a corner avoiding going out because someone is about to lose his money. But he has chains he has hotels he has many things he does. But he is a bad loser. Look bad losers out there so many years of this and now I am fed up. I am fed up being a loser in an industry of losers. A writer is a loser aren’t we?
“I will kill whoever stands in my way.”
“Because it is the normal failures of behaving badly”
“Pour acid over your face is too good I will destroy you.”
“But why me”
Even the threat is two years old.
“It is normal thing to do!”
I am wearing myself out.
“I will not be intimidated I will not be talked to in such a manner.”
“Get out of my life!”
“Then stop following me.”
“There is nothing to do now!”
“There is money to be made. You slut I have a family too.”
“You have billions.”
“I have nothing without that business besides it is bad for my image to be beaten by a Turkish woman without anything but balls.”
“I will not be spoken to by you. Go away you are killing my time. I want to forget you go elsewhere there are so many things I want to do but you are in my way I am unable because of you everything I have you want.”
“It is nothing to do with me what you have or want what I want to do is destroy you and what you have found.”
“But that is what I have had to do for years’ fight that is what I have found out that I can prove beyond all possible doubt. That is why I got fat that is why I nearly died for. Why should I stand aside and leave it all to waste?”
“I am selling the Mac Donald’s then you can say everything.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I did not force anyone to eat at Mac Donald’s.”
“But you called it happy meals and they are not they are deadly. Children are being given a taste that will make them addicted to that type of food.”
“Children, kids what can I say I have kids myself so I know I only use the choicest ingredients and the best of luck to those who don’t.”
“You lie. Even the story behind the story is a lie. You are a liar. You kids you us, you life this is your way of getting revenge.”
“I will not be spoken to like that.”
“Then stop it.”
“Is that you saying when you are here there and everywhere as if following me as if I am your star. What magnet is this that propels you to my places of business?”
“I don’t know. I seem to have the bad luck to be where you happen to be.”
“Then stop it.”
“I will try.”
“I will blind your dog if you don’t try.”
“Susie is blind already.”