It gets to such a point that I can’t even go out for a walk. The dog on the lead and I on the leash we go out but there are many vicious people out there. Where there is money there is power and they were a lot of money grabbing people or people who just did it for the sake of doing the deed. He persuasive he so intent on making me the victim sits up and I notice him and his sort. They wear their camouflages and come fluffing into my life the neighbour who said he was a jeweller and then he said he drove a van. He ate kebabs every night to do that one has to have money and the poor dear had five sons and an ex wife and still a mortgage and he worked half days.
The neighbour had not been very real he was pretending to be somebody else. Who was he? Why did he want me? What was he doing there was he an outlaw? I felt like an outcast? Were they running away from someone or something what were they doing there when they obviously did not even sleep in the house that there it was an ordered chaos about the plaza. Then they put £2000 worth of fish in the pond he dug. It was most bizarre where he got the money he said he was not educated that the woman was a drunk and slept all day. What were they doing besides having children? Why did they look so ordinary common but people who knew their worth? I must be seeing the ex all over the place but it was him I know his methods to get me talking to get at me he would live in mum’s lap. He would do anything to destroy my peace but why? He has the relationships and he has everything whenever I have something he wants to take it away. I am going to be taken away soon I thought to be obvious but I don’t know the reason and besides I don’t want to know the imbecility of man. He is not for me and that is that why bother with someone who I can’t get along with?
Then the beds had not been slept in and Mum did say they drove me out. That night past midnight I went to no avail to do something bad, because I had to behave and I went elsewhere. These people had somewhere to go to with homes or even mansions and they went drove and did their times where we lived. When I was driven out I had been homeless without a suit and not like them at all. Where did these people go at midnight with the family? Not individually mind every one of them. That was not the only thing but it was the main thing. Who were they what did they want and why were they pretending? I was not alone in my fears that the neighbourhood had gone to the dogs but kept myself to myself as if self distraught but this wailing sound was the only thing I can trust.
The neighbour was so jealous of his privacy so intent on making everyone like him he a drunken he a sod but not nice. He had viciousness and he fell to making everyone think him normal. Would a ex jeweller have the money to pay ex wives and the kebabs and five sons and a mortgage and still have the energy to sit up till 1 o’clock at night? It was a game with him I guess realised and realised something was going wrong with their lives they must have realised that I had noticed but said nothing. Then the wife made a pass at me when they separated. I said no. But it was as if history was repeating that something was not right. The game he is playing a chess game with me the victim and a Russian roulette with me. The victim he with the gun loaded at my end to destroy me.
Waver there is a wager going on and I do wherever I run to he will get me. They play unfair the game is rigged I am to be exterminated like a rat out of the sewer. I am to be made into an imbecile and then he will say this is the woman who never had it so good and she blew it. But when did I have it? There was never anything for me I am not one of those woman who thinks second best is enough. My I am a normal law abiding citizen and I demand to be treated equal with anyone I don’t care if they are princes and ducks and dukes. If they play with themselves that is their business they better stay away from me.
What rights do I have none. I don’t even get to be believed when I say no. There is no-no in the English language? No word is out he said it is not the question of no but when? I am all at sea when did slavery become legal?
For this is I pretend love when the opposite is true. There is no love lost between us this pride in his seductions is his undoing he’ll make me angry and then when I am angry things happen to him. I am to be obvious but he is sick. His lusts and his mania is his undoing. He is unmanned by the word no. Totally unexpectedly as I am walking the dog a rotten dog comes. I stand away then the animal is intense and Susie is getting scared so angry. I go in between the animals and talk to the dog then to the China man. “It is your dog?”
“It is only a puppy.”
“Control your dog.”
He smiles and nudges the dog. He smiles again as if he is stupid he is not stupid he knows perfectly he is annoying.
“Control your animal.”
I give him a look and he smiles again. These people with their stupid crassness with their animal like intentness on destroying my dog, my Susie as if Susie is a person that has upset them.
I am going to be angry I blaze again and the animals look elsewhere I gently take Susie and we walk. How many times should I say to these people not to upset my dog? They are trying to provoke a fight with my poor blind Susie.
I go over to the slope and I am not happy as if Susie has limited time with me egging on the poor devils as if my life did not mean a thing. They out to murder my dog, they cannot do that they will not do that to my poor little girl. I am enraged by impotence and incompetently go outside myself beside myself to the only target that is ready and I freeze the man and nag and nag as if he is not only the future but the past as if my meaning is not obvious as if the stars in my eyes have been tarnished as if my love does not mean a thing.
“Bloody did not see your bloody car.”
That should show him it is a joke that I always see that damn incompetent car. It is so rattled the gnome is rattled and I think it good. That should fucking teach all, all the bastards in hell would not make me cave in now. But there is fear for my innocent Susie. I should place the gnome and put him in the garden and make him sit in the garden all day twiddling his thumbs without a break and he should bloody well help me not put my Susie in danger. I will stop at nothing to get my revenge if my Susie dies an unnatural death. The gnome won’t see the light in the house he will have to stay in the bloody garden forever. That said I felt much better the bloody gnome put in his place the dustbins sorted later and me writing this trash with the many trashy novels I have written this takes the cake.
People in their cages people everywhere people milling round and round what has happened to the doctrines and their seekers after the welfare of them who are never going to make it?
How does a girl get married? You know if she asks she has to wait till leap year then she has to agree to change her name. Supposing the name is abhorrent a king name? Which will remind her of all the bad times in her life? Supposing the father in law was a fool? I suppose she got nothing but trouble from some King? What is a name to one? Well I don’t know supposing I hadn’t been so eager to part with the virtue? Well it had got a bit stale my dears time it went like all good things it had to go. But that is not the point supposing I can’t you know keep up the momentum supposing I have nothing to offer one night but tiredness? It is a dread he just loves to love but supposing I grow frigid and dull and full of house proudly duties? He’ll go mad and help round the house become a gnome? Supposing we both became normal?