Death does not wait. When it comes it comes. I feared that would happen to me to people I know to friends to family to me. Saying worst things about me yelling at me making mocking sounds when they speak to me because I lost my reputation because of that I lost my reputation mother made me hopeless. But why was it your mother and not him- because she did not protect me from scandal. Because I had nobody to pretend that there was no secure place to grow in as if out in the open as if out in the world. When parents said if you don’t have money then there won’t be a place for you what did that make them or me or society?
I am Emine and I have no light in my path it is total darkness it is totally dark where in the world I’m I going where in the world I’m I sleeping in? When will the darkness be over? An old woman sleeps as a child would so happy an old maid is no more as she sleeps happily in the arms of the man she has known. The King does not sleep because he has been said that word. What word is that the word that word. What word? There is no word. The word no there is no such thing. A king does not accept no for an answer. What rights do the individual have? If some powerful person can make her life hell so that she does as he bids? Like birds breed to the slaughter we must follow the call of their nature with their unnatural appetites and acts.
“I am a dirty rascal and you are the king of the castle.”
The king does not like servants he does not like servants because a servant abused him. What a servant abusing the future king of some giant country? It is not courtly it is uncouth to be so subjected by some dire subject. It is the way of the world it happens look at me I have been abused too. No it is unmanly to be abused by some idiot masquerading as a servant it makes the house look bad. The name stinks now with the vile odours of that vile person. It is against the law too but we are above the law.
“Why do you want this?”
“To get my manhood back I have to say”
“But I don’t love you I don’t think we belong I don’t want you I don’t care about your manhood.”
“Then you must. It is thing between your legs I want.”
“It has to be.”
“I don’t care.”
“It just has to happen.”
“It will never happen.”
“It has just got to happen.”
“Then rot in hell.”
“I will rot in hell forever rather than give you the monster such a power over me.”
“I will say you are not afraid.”
“I have fought worse monsters than you.”
“Look Emine it is me your sweetheart. I am here for you won’t you please give me the time of day.”
“It is nearly half eight.”
“Look you depravity.”
“What you want is impossible because it won’t happen because I don’t care to be in your arms. It is such a simple solution isn’t it?”
“I’m going to make you love me again. You did once it has to happen again.”
“I am wary it is a game with you isn’t it?”
“Look isn’t it about man and woman?”
“What man and what woman?”
“You can’t seem to grasp the honour I am doing you?”
“It is filth and dishonour.”
“Look it isn’t my reason you object to is it? It isn’t my Kingship or kingdom you rile against what is it that you dislike so that I can change it?”
“That is what I object to that you can change into something else the moment my back is gone.”
“But why should it go because this is a loop is it not it is never going to end until it ends right.”
I had to go and wash the dishes this made him so mad he started to hit my head. I raced downstairs as if fiends from my head were chasing me along the stairs. I went into the kitchen as if so cold. I could not feel myself from the cold as if my body had turned rigid. I was going round and round trying to figure a way out. There seemed to be no point in doing anything anymore as if I had to die anyway. But I had to live for some strange reason I had to live. Why is it not funny anymore because life is a deadly game when the fighting goes on and on and it becomes worse that the years are flying and then not going anywhere but to the end when dust to dust and all that termination the end of me?
I had no idea why I had to live but there had to be a reason out there someone to live for. I found it in my sisters as they went to school. I packed them off and they went quite happy as if they were children and I was their mother. They went and came back from school told us mum and I what they did. It was bizarre mum seemed to sense something had happened but what she could not understand.
The new me, the young woman has gone and in its place is an older I. The teacher of the muse the spirit the unholy jokes the cracks of laughter paid no longer anything but the worker the keeper of hives and children. We have the spoilt dears whose parents pay cash for the tuition fees that are who we must care for. The guardian of this place where nothing happens and we make things happen to while away the boring times and became the stings of ourselves as well as our families. Where did the hot blooded young woman go? One has not to die to change, one can change to perpetuity forever to see nothing to feel nothing be nothing but what is. I felt nothing. They had given me so many injections of medicines that it ruined my health. I nothing! I nothing!
“Your sister will get everything not you.”
“She is mine.”
“Well I am yours too I am?”
“It is different difficult to explain.”
I did not pursue it there was something I was concerned to do, and the moment passes.
We come from nothing and go into nothing. There are dust to dust ashes to ashes forever dead. I the hunted had become the hunter but he did not realise I was waiting lying in wait to pounce on him. He knew something but did not know. He grew bored and left for other preys. I was no longer of interest. I was the keeper of children and the goods but he kept an eye on me just in case I WAS alive.
One can’t take it with you.
One cannot indeed but mother was enjoying the style she couldn’t take with her.
Death do not be proud for we die each day as we live we die a part of me had died I no longer edible or young. He missed not me but the young struggling thing I had been. He grew tired of waiting he thought I had wasted his time. This made me laugh uncontrollably the mad woman in the kitchen cooking so many inedible things. I no longer had the energy or the thought in death I willed and wiled away the many hours by trying to be clever. Waiting and wasting my time on whiling the hours when he would go.
No he did not go. He stayed to see me famished he said he would he never gave up on a prey. He stood all the shit I dished out but I stood no longer alone. No longer young I fell to despair in my desperation I waited for someone to help me. There was no one who cared enough to enter my thoughts let alone to take charge of the situation. I waited in vain it seemed.
He preyed on others and I read about them and their stories it seemed they all had a bad end. Washed myself sometimes in the bath, pleasure, but he did not like me to have pleasure of any sort.
“Everybody happy?” he would ask as if he were a God giddying about the place nowhere and nothing on his mind but destruction.
“Yes everyone so happy they all got what they wanted.”
“Just deserts.” Everyone has done me injustice to them every labourer worthy of his or her hire. He likes things being symmetrical and pure mathematical logic rules his equations. I am not worthy of being hired.
Preyed upon spied upon despised unskilled however I will come through. “Madness I am mad.” What thoughts this but madness? What I’m I thinking about this paupers’ and that man as if my head’s on fire with too much reason.
“Why does everybody warn me from me?”
Why had that woman cradled Z more than me why did she say I was older than her and did not matter was meaningless why?
She gave her things she did because mother told her to and she did not give me stuff because she said I had nothing of my own.
I did not understand what that meant.
A packet of crisps what did it matter a packet of crisps why was it so important mother told the girl to give it to her child her baby and she did not point out to me. A packet of crisps told the girl for her little girl from a dying young mother and she said not to me. She said nothing about you. She told me not you but her this little girl her daughter.
But she is my mother.
She said this child not that you cannot be her child, but you are older.
I felt hopeless.
What had happened?
Maybe mother was mad as she was dying.