Everyone against me why? What have I done to everybody? It is not my imagination he is the king and wants something for nothing so he pays these monsters to come at me. They think it a huge joke to be molesting me the poor king and his king’s ransom what have I DONE? Nothing but saved my honour what shall I do? I don’t know probably die in some suicide attempt. I am alone you see when I thought I had not been. I am alone with this fiend this clown of a king and there is no one to help me. This king in woman’s clothing gloating at every opportunity to destroy me and what I have or thought I had.
I have nothing.
I see the images again the glare in the light does not scare them off there is nothing the matter with them they just friendly they want to come back to me. I have double painted everything the windows and all that so that they do not come back to me. So that they will lose their way they are no longer welcome because murderers had been able to dominate me and my thoughts which shattered me. What unhappiness when convicted murderers came and told me what they had done and I was upset. They do not have any morals at all.
So shut the light in order that they would leave? Of course because they have to follow the light that is all; losing all self-hood I placed many mirrors in the house to refract the light so that it might bounce and give me a clearer image of myself. Sometimes in sheer desperation I get outside and do the gardening.
This is all about nothing and all that I can take from this monster. One day some innocent person will feel my handbag as I belt him one. But when that day comes it will be my claws on his neck strangling the life out of him. I will not be stopped at this it is my will that I will kill this monster of depravity as he sucks the life out of me.
It is me or him it has to be me. I will win that round I will get him and I will get him while he is trying it on. While he is high turned on when will I see sense that there is nobody to help me except myself? I will strangle him I will I will feel it already as his neck snaps into my fists. Of course he is stronger than I. But he will have it from me one day OR shall I knife him.
It might be worth getting a knife that will have to do him? Poor man there he is sucking the life out of me and me disobliging him with my concerns as to what to do with him? How to murder him is in my thoughts. One I can hire an assassin two I can strangle him or cut his wily. That might be the answer if the king does not have a wily he might be unable to chase me all round the world? He had a high pitched voice maybe he is a Soprano? I wonder if he will sing too pitches or one when I cut his wily off? I wonder when that day will happen when I can crave my initial into his wily without his getting half the army he has been here.
To be attacking me a defenceless woman. I will not have it! I wonder how long I will get in the prisons’. I wonder what the food is like, I wonder if there are any decent novels and short stories in there and if I will be able to finish my Open University degree but I got one already. It might just be the place to do all that studying. I wonder if I’ll get any visitors I might get the press interested in my book. I wonder if it will be worth my while to cut the King’s wily just to have the book published? I wonder if all the press will come to witness the deed that I have actually cut his you know. It is so exciting being able to think how to get the maximum years in the prison but you know I won’t be able to earn any money out of it. For prisoners can’t profit from their crimes. It is awful isn’t it?
Life is so unfair. I mean here I am a respectable writer trying to do a decent novel when there is all that obstacles in my way. The law has to change you know imagine if I can’t publish this book it will be unbearable. After working on this style for years finally I have something to say and I have lost my temper. This is traumatic you know it is really sad. I think I’ll get the handkerchief out and the smelling salts. I wonder if there is any vinegar. Doesn’t vinegar make one faint? It is all kinds of rubbish you know I will try and be not angry.
I wonder if I should do a literature Course? If reading might help you know it might with the entire world star struck it might just be the thing to pass the time. I wonder what doddering idiot is making fun. I will cut everybody up into tiny pieces and let my angry persona out of the window. Except I think their wives won’t like it or they might notice that everyone did not have any you know. It might inconvenience them you know not to have anything to show after a day. But it is a God’s gift to have nothing but happy thoughts. Except Buddha makes me ill, shanty and all that and Krishna and Ghandi and the flying carpet and the Macbeth and witchery and living in a dream when there is nothing like the man of my dreams everyone thinks I am a battle axe when I am not.
I will battle tomorrow better than today because I now know I am on my own.
I am gone into this other world again because my mind is empty and there is not much to say when I am in a trance like state but to follow the lead of the other spirits and ask them why they have come because I want to know. They answer just as simply and they prod and stick their stories into me as if telling a tale from some distance and then they share who and what they needed to be found out and they give me a time line and say if you can please find the culprit for my murder and then they say kindly and then off they leave.
It is that brief it is that the brevity of it all the timely things one learns because one has no time for chats these people from the past are people who have no nerves to stand the strain of the endless waffle going on in this present society.
You see mostly people now are drunk and they do not only disdain not to behave but think they are the wittiest people ever. So the spirit world is beginning to desert them and leave them to their own devices.
So another spirit comes to me leaping into some sort of attitudes because it had been done badly by it has more shakes then the others and it has the good fortune to make it more reliable. The thing was did not take to that spirit at all and told it to sod off.
It is the most natural thing in the world someone can get used to in fact there was one who followed me endlessly until it got my attention and then I was ashamed to have nearly let it down. That sometimes the inattentive moment is a matter of life and death.
Sometimes reality can go an amiss totally that father said I had stood still for many hours staring at something.
Onwards Christian solders’ marching as to war when we fearlessly made it through the storms and then the strongholds of reason became such a bore.
My soil is this land which seen so much of blood sweat and tears and tear down the walls which imprison me and make me the happiest fool in the world.