“No” Mum was looking thoughtful as she listened to us. I was convinced I supposed. It was very bizarre all those people complaining when they wanted it
I could not sleep anymore as if my waking moments and sleep submerged into one long nightmare. What they were saying whispering about me? They talked nonsense endless insensitive snide remarks I was not going to do it. I was not going to be raped even gang raped. I would kill them. Then I would be a murderess forever dodged by the mark of Cain I would be Cain and I did not want that either. I would not die I was not prepared to die.
Therefore what has happened to me? What could have happened did not happen it was the suspense my own thoughts that was destroying me wearing me down. Every day the same then one day someone was there, he pounced on something laughing and moved away laughter in his guts as if the guile of his act was amazing. There was no one with him he was amazingly free with his stride as if he was young and strong as if he was the power behind the throne. Then he left as if he said his piece. Why did I suspect someone as harmless as he? There was some devilry in the air I am sure I thought. I moved my elbows into my bag ready to strike with the books. He would not have it so easy. But he messed round and round the neighbourhood laughing as he went there was a bend and I had to go towards it and I was petrified.
“I would be raped.”
All assumed this would happen to me.
He was there looking at me innocently as he moved to come towards me. I glared at him as he unconcerned looked at me. I moved away as he leapt away as a car came passing by. He swore something and whispered something about another day another month another time.
That was the last time I went to school. To that school there are other schools other lives others. I kissed my hand towards him and whispered that. He got annoyed so annoyed I knew that he would come but there was some sort of protection he just did not go round the right bend.
I laughed out loud. It was so funny he would destroy me he always had it in for me ever since I was nearly jumped at twelve and hit him with my bag. He doesn’t like me and s the very thought of a virgin at school.
“Sucker” He said.
“No I am not a sucker you bloody imbecile.”
“I’ll show you who is an imbecile one day you’ll find out how women live.”
“I have been to the circus have you?”
He fell into a rage he was trying to come towards me but I was already at the gates. I went so fast it was speedy me. I never want to see that school again I was not going to anymore lessons I had to leave early to not catch the clown. I went for the last time to the library and said good bye to it. Went to the toilet and went to the corridor and watched the endlessness of childhood. There was nothing for me there. I had no friends no teachers there was no bloody human being I could bloody talk to. There was no one to listen except to preach about school being the happiest days of one’s life.
I left before lunch. It was no longer possible for me to stay in those conditions. There is a moment in one’s life when one has seen too much. This was one of them. I left before anyone saw me that was that. Everything is in motion at home. We had to leave the country before I was discovered missing. The rest was easy. Dad and mum had been ill we were outside the country in a fortnight or was it a month? I had so many books I could not read as if my mind had gone to sleep.
End of me as I saw it end of me I had ruined my life as if sucked dry. This is End of me end of me as if the end was nigh. I was a horse no longer I did not prance so carefree. I alone was alone I did not want to be raped. Dad said no one gets raped involuntarily he must have been right must not he? I could scream with the pain what is pain when one cuts off one’s nose to spite one’s hand. I alone had stopped this from happening. What could have happened was it my imagination? Those were days of not knowing, this side of me outside in another orbit in another country in another life.
I. D life know it and the past the post which is education is the beginning not the end of knowledge. It had nothing to offer me. There in Cyprus went to college sat exams there and there it is the same everywhere there is hope.
But my life had taken a turn a bitter twist a bitter turn.
I have nothing you see and to take the nothing from me is not on. I will not be a scumbag and I will certainly not sleep with scum. Oh to set this and that in motion to set my soul to the search to find the right thing to say and do. Where am I? What have I done? Have I gone mad to have not gone to that school and finished it? Why not say a word? What reasons did I have what unreasonable behaviour got worse. Did I over act? Who is to say? If I had said a word to the authorities about my talents then I would be seriously in fact mental illness is about being different is it not? If I only had I said something if I had not been so full of rage against those people? What couldn’t have been saved what years would I have saved. What life times of harassment could have been avoided from the aristocrats who mated and befriended only to destroy us? I am a jerk.
There are more scumbags then there are hot dinners you know. I am not going to sleep with those villains and that is the end of the story.
How one begins one life is the pattern that is set. My story is about the middle and mid life crisis with the entire world at my back. Where is the young girl I was in the middle of the fight? I slept with a man not a scumbag but a mental patient. It was good and ok. I travel no longer light and that is what makes the going dodgy something to lose no longer and everything to lose. I make believe that the world is not a dodgy place with all the windows shut I am not see through but there are people still from my school days trying it on as before. It makes to pass the time I guess.
I pass the life I have with endless chasing going round and round as if I in prison. I am free no longer but when did I ever am free of those people and selfish thoughts have deserted me as if I am no longer the self I was. Who I’m I? Where in the world did I go and this person come in? The pest I am the thing I am the thing that they tried to make me. If they want to they will make me but dad had said no one gets raped if they don’t want it. But the sacrifices one makes the things one doesn’t live to try to avert more disasters.
Open wounded and I am wounded. I fear this is the end of me as I know it. Where in the world did I start and finish?
The books I love reading the paints I have to finish where in the world is civilisation? When we are all such beasts! No matter how intelligent a woman is supposed to be some slag? What I don’t call myself a slag I am not on call. This is not a joke it is my life to fight lice and dirty thoughts poverty is the thing that a man is supposed to fight not a mere woman? My God you callous bores is that what life makes of me and you and you? My God you stupid callous sods in the prime of my life you wanted to inject me with your poison and here I am now inject me if you dare. If you all walk one mile in my direction I will blow you all up in the cameras that is larger than life. One more mile and I will see to it that you no longer have anything to declare.
“We must know your story.”
It all blew in our faces. Just blew in our face. Into our faces, women have begun to take tranquilisers and vitamin tablets and we stare at the wall too exhausted to speak. Mind the child, the garden the husband wants to frolic the mother in law wants her dinner so does everybody else. Women begot trouble, not interested in life. She starts at the mention of housework, cleaning the kitchen is an endless process making ends meet? There is money on the table but where is the energy to spend it? The table wiped the kitchen clean the children in bed she stopped in front of the TV and hubby wanting his night lesson. I text you sex to you. When the slaves were freed what happened? They went back to their masters will women do the same with their multiple careers? What is a woman supposed to do? Divorced now pretend she is a lesbian or stay single or not go out to work.
Have you ever taken care of a child? Run a full time career made the hubby stink with sex? Have you taken the law into your hands and made it possible for decent things to happen? Have you wondered why I have written this book? I have too you know it is a penetrating study of a sty. I think I’ll go and feed the pigs it is time they were fed.
Woman’s work is never done. It has to be done otherwise where will man frolic? Women pretend inexhaustible patience how many of us on Velum? How insensitive of man not to notice. But we women hide ourselves we have the ability to hide indefinitely. Mankind does not notice. It goes breeding the same troubles starts at the divorce rate does not notice the woman of the house is getting sloppy or tired or making the house gleam. Beware of the wifely temper. She wills now bullock you off those sheets. She will indeed. She has to for woman’s pride woman’s lib it has to be women must amount to something. Some agree to share the hubby; some don’t want to know some have mental states they go into. We women have various means of dealing with life.
I start as he finishes. “Such suffering could have been averted.”
“Yes but then you wouldn’t have come to me.”
“Such agonies of torments could have been undone.”
“But then you would have been married and I would have been a mistress.”
“No you would not say that to me. Remember who I am?”
“I can’t remember anything but.”
“Why did no one tell me?”
“It is the best kept secret woman pride themselves of bearing with anything except no one wanted to let the side down. It is this fashion to set the woman on a roller coaster of despair as she sees herself falling or failing in her estimation of what it means today to be a woman.”
“What does it mean to be a man?”
“No a woman has more things to do.”
“This contemptible thing I am not to have seen it.”
“You were deceived?”
“Life hurts you know to be bonked silly in life is to know that life hurts.”
“Does it hurt a lot?”
“Yes it does.”
“Why say that?”
“Because a woman and a man have their pride”
“A woman’s lot is an unhappy lot to prove her equality she has to give up something’s and women are more ruthless now they don’t want to give up their career or their sex life or their children or their image. Something has to give.”
The rest is pornography; the rest is trying to outwit one another the rest is irresponsibility and dismay. As he is waken to have sex with her and she is the wildebeest as she frolics in mock haste and he gallops to her as she returns the compliment as they try to have love when all they are having is porn as the streets come to the bedroom. As he is unwilling after a long night as she is forthcoming after the long night. As the beasts lay down to die as love went out of the window.
Long time it is since she said the words that made him tremble and he a weak man without anything to give her but his love and she unwilling to accept this of him. She wants dishonesty he is too honest for her he is not corrupt she wants the man she has to frolic with others so that she can have more time for the basics like sleep. She is unwilling to accept the fact that she is in the right and he is not wrong. Sue is unwilling to accept anything tardiness makes her tremble. He comes again and again she is waiting she wants his house so that she can make another marriage. She wants to win this round it is a matter of survival for her to win over the sexuality the conquest a house to put down roots so that the next nest will be safe.
“You are what?”
“Never mind do you want some more?”
“Yes please.” It is again going to be a long night it is the way she has planned it. Porn and hard core is on his thoughts this is not love on their minds. It is torments out of hell it is torments to see them so. Animals have more fun than they animals in zoos. But either is giving in as they frolic round and round the little hole. Why this dismay he seems not to have liked it. She frolics some more as if the spite in her veins will contaminate the sheets which it has. The sheets are contaminated by spite and greed. The greed in her is such that it permeates the air as if the sex is nothing but a knife to wield for them both.