I am a mere woman with no means destitute and with more reason people avoid me. They often glare to see if I am doing something wrong which is what they are there for to see that others are ok. The world has moved on without me and there appears to be some cause for concerns where I am situated. Domestic violence does not make sense when mother is involved such a pleasant woman and with the best will in the world what reason did I have for attacking her? Nonsense and stuff like that why she is a harmless creature.
I don’t need people to tell me I am nothing I know I am nothing. In fact I have it on very good authority that there is nothing or no one like me for getting into scraps and being obnoxious and biting nails and being in the way of people who want to get on in life. In fact I am a miserable creature who must be trodden on without even a remorseful thought because I am one of those people that people make a habit of treading on. I feel like going home and not bothering to see the film it is so depressing seeing all this middle England. And they young that the meaning of my youth had no meaning because of the mother of that girl and now she so young. Do I resent this at that moment I felt nothing more than pride and a longing to be a mother myself I have never had a child of my own.
I mean youth should be tolerant and full of ideals this man has sold his ideals in order to make something from nothing. He does have something to offer what is that? Oh dear where did charity begin? I MUST not say anything I don’t want to cause trouble I am deeply in everyone’s way. I will not be pushed around. I have been pushed around too many years to be a pebble I am free no longer this is what it is going to be like. No wonder the girl is bored. It is not in her blood all this. I feel like my mother I am full of venom and spite it is being spiteful with the man’s lay and he being with someone he likes and is fond of. Well I must not get in his way the poor sod does not know about the likes of me being in the family. He would to be in the same family with me and he is so certain I would be delighted to be in the same family with him? I must say it is obvious he reminds me of my ex. The same preserving persistence and the same dogged determinism and the same glint in his eye. Look what happens to me with this kind of people I normally avoid like the plague. I must get out of here it is so hot with the film barely touching on what I want to see I don’t know why Tom brought me here. Has he gone mad? These people will swallow me up. I wonder if I can get rid of the man who is in the way of my happiness. If I found all the dirt on him he might be told to sod off. I might not succeed and I might be told to sod off? That would be good won’t it? After all that I am still the same insecure maniac I used to be. I wonder if I have been washed outside with the bathwater. I feel cold as if this is not the life I would have chosen and here I thought Tom was a depressive. Now it is not on to lead me on like that and here he is being someone important with a social position with toads like him toadying. I wonder if my ex has any daughters’. My ex had more of a social position, this man might like that? He might toady off with the ex’s girl and then we can get a nice young man for Tom’s daughter?
Nice masculine with a taste in the arts and him with a good brawn and brain. I wonder if Tom knows anybody like that. Not for me for her my future step child. Look it is ok being insolvent, but when one thinks the world is one’s child, one is up against a creek. It is time to call it a day. Let them get on with it. I won’t say another word. Not another bloody word on the bloody subject.
I can’t leave it alone I can’t seem to think it out to figure out the problem what can I SAY or do those will make a difference? I have never made a difference at all. Life times of observation not valued because I had washed dishes. I am not total anybody I happen to have rich relatives but they too have disowned me. They made me say that a woman like me has to be dropped because I had a boy friend that has not married me. That is Turkish logic for you he was not about to marry a dishwasher was he? Not everyone is mad like Tom are they? And he being a prince not Tom but the penultimate one was the thing that stood in our way. Like lead it was my being a dishwasher was permanent. I was locked with the sink in eternal embrace and it was such an inseparable thing between us. One is what one is and can’t be different. The nostrils go up again I that kind of a nostril it is like a horse when the horse is about to bridle. I wonder what I can do to unseat the horse. The secret is out where does a woman belong who has upset everyone? That she is without a friend in sight that her life becomes a barren desert and why now do I feel such a disaster has happened to me to us?