My boy friend left because dad kicked him out made it impossible for him to stay. He kept out of the way because of dad. What reason was Abdul and Erturk were more acceptable than my James why did he think they would make it better for him and me? Because he said I would be as miserable as he was, and he knew what it was to be a misery gut.
I was cowed the lioness went to sleep I was no longer that.
“It might be interesting something to interest you. You know you don’t have enough to do.”
“I am not enough I have not enough hands to do the things I want to do with not enough hands to make the world right for us for my family?”
“Oh I see you have too much to do?”
“Well I have too now you are in my way get lost because I have to clean the tables.”
“Banal that is what this is.”
“Someone has to do this.”
“Mortgages have to be paid.”
“I would have done it for you if you had...”
“Yes what a good idea.”
“Loo paper is missing?”
“This bloody old man,”
Dad dying was the best thing that happened to me. His death spelt my release from my prison. His death meant my living; his death meant mum went mad. She began to demand that she is next to God in importance. That she should be looked after that she was the one most important that she should be seen to. Mum said she had given me life and expected to be treated like a sultan. Herself in the maze of being herself this is her than? All the years of protecting an out of work idiot? All the family seem to agree with mum that she is the most important that I should not be doing anything but looking after her and the shop. What rights does the individual have? According to the family there is no right only that I should look out for all of them that there is nothing talented about me that there is nothing to do all day but to gaze into mum’s eyes and look after that humanity that has been charred beyond recognition. There is nothing there anymore just this silly old woman without anything left but her will to survive. She wants to upset me most of the time she succeeds she is this little thing with spite she sits in the corner thinking about her ailments. She does not go out she is too upset to, she gets nothing but food and TV she thinks she is in heaven by looking at the screen. Her brother ignores me her children chid me her grand children are too young what is a spinster sprinting into mid 50’s do? I’m doing a course in social psychology it is the only way not to do anything by doing something keeping busy, trying to not to top this selfish ceil this is the biggest challenge sometimes darkness comes into me as if seeping from the walls. I fear to speak out in case they want to hit me or bully me it is my crime that I have no family of my own but them.
The monsters glare into my soul saying things, spiteful things why don’t I knuckle under? I am a monster too you know my mum has made my life hell, sisters too penultimate does not allow me to go out or go on holiday. Is it any wonder I feel a bit trapped in a no go area? I am no longer young what is it I’m supposed to have done to all these people? Greed and fear of losing some of their incomes that is what has upset them. Care homes are expensive and they have been spending their money like water. I fear that if I start to scream abuse at them I will have to leave the house never to return. I screech quiet as a mouse LIVING day to day something is bound to turn up. What nothing’s turned up nothing at all this is the first day of the month and I am turning this way and that writing this rubbish. What and nothings turned up I will die of shame if this relationship too won’t work out. This is it I will turn into property letting and buying but when will the land be sold? Everything is taking forever. I am turning into a stone. Sexual activity is at the minimum I am turning into a stone. When my heart will break? When will that happen? I am turning into stone everyone happy except me.