Running crying and terribly upset the young cousin goes and Emine is left to sort out the mess. Everyone is more randy than ever like they were hitting the sack. It is no longer decently possible to observe without becoming intoxicated with the manner of the new living. The ruined party convenes to the car and the parents are quiet while Emine reflects it has been over for a long time and now it was truly over she is going to be on her own. The night is balmy with the midnight coming without a car they would not have been able and now they will never be invited again or she is not Emine.
Cousins’ lives were uppermost in her thoughts what does relatives mean to someone as she? What do having relatives have to do with the daily grind of life? Where does she come into all this? What rights does a parent have over a child and a child over a parent? No rights accept the rights of blood? We live and we die and parents have brought us into this world for better even for worse they control us we are our parents we think like them. We have prejudices we have their imprint we have their genes. But why do we? Even the surrogate mother is totally immersed in the child. Some woman love children they can’t have enough of themselves imprinted into little faces.
Happiest thoughts are of parents their control over my life and self. Selfish thoughts intrude they did not mean to be so cruel but they do. It is as if their lives depended on themselves being cruel even the business depended even their thoughts and feelings and their animosities were such that I would outlive them that something of theirs would live on. They did not want me to live through them. Their lives depended on this their lives and their livelihood and their lack of grammar and education was the salt in their wounds I had to be destroyed because for them to live I had to be destroyed. Now I think cousin made a deal with the man too. He got money he was short of and he had to pick a fight with me to trash me out of the family. Now is it not paranoia all this? This could be the beginnings of paranoia you know with all the world a breeding ground for the likes of the ex the prince as he swindles my life away from these and those people as I go round and round trying to find love and he always with his money blocking my path.
Cousin was near bankruptcy he was all in all he was desperately short of money. Now what better way than to short change me into someone else and he did say he would buy me a nice burial ground with all the trimmings? I am shaman I woman of no means with this fool after me with his fat purse and no sense. He would never learn would he? He would never learn will he? I go round and round the bush bruising myself and everyone near me to see all this to fear all this and to know that I was a special person without anything but my will power and my intelligence. What intelligence is there this person that you see thrown to the wolves cast adrift into the world without a penny to her name but her preening self?
I am selfish I want the world to be my world someone to love me someone to care. I am selfish and I want to seem to be always in the right. That is my world to be in the right to do no wrong not to break the law as far as possible to be honest and good to fear no one for fear is the death to freedom.
Where in the world did the neighbours come into it? I place my cushion to the winds the neighbours and I getting alarmed about nothing. They took my roots the rose bush and the camellia and they uprooted it like my cousin uprooted me from the family circle like he cast me adrift into the sands and pits of would be prostitution. I was to pay for the money he had begot I was to pay with my body but cousin did not know I was already not paying for the man in my life was not to be. He was not the right man he was not anything but a waste of my time. He was wasting his time as well as my own.
I place the plates on the table without bothering about the dollies and then I place the hot steaming stew on the other dollies and then there is a symmetry about this that is pleasing. How many women have done this? How many will do this tomorrow and the next day and the centuries to come? I am one of a string a number and the man in the penultimate game wants to put me into the treadmill to use me to discard and let his friends in and he’ll watch my despair and humiliation with glee. I am to be made into a call girl. He uses the phones to egg me on I am humbled by my given beauty to see things. I can see through them all the disguises that they partake the many sided faces they pull. He is not real? Oh but he is.
“Murder is also a criminal offence.”
“Rape and murder is a crime.”
“There is no proof?”
“I am the proof.”
“Look that we must rape the innocent and take what we have paid for that is our code of conduct.”
“Human cargo is also a crime.”
He gives the cousin his money on the condition he’ll never invite me to a wedding or to have anything to do with me. I have been sold before I have been sold before. At the auction I have been sold. These people are my relatives these monsters of good living these are my people as they go round and round the gig of life giggling hilariously. They have sold me. They have sold me. What was the price and can I sell them too? Sod them these monsters sod them all. I got the sack you know I got the sack I am selling myself to the highest bidder. He says he has billions.
“Not enough money in the bank you I do the business at £1000, 000000!”
“What?” he says, “I will be bankrupt. What on earth are you talking about you slut?”
“To do the business it will have to be that amount every time!”
“Every time you say something to me? Are you trying to ruin me?”
“No it is good business sense. I am talking the language of love which you deal in.”
“But that is daylight robbery that is.”
“I don’t force you.”
“But that is despicable.”
“You are going to do it anyway I’ll make you.”
“I’ll scream my head off.”
“Who gave you that idea?”
“My mother said to me”
“What a thing to tell you. You are not going to scream are you?”
“Look if I touch you and you scream the police will get involved and they’ll put you in a mental institution because I don’t exist.”
“I don’t care. It will be a time out for me with me doing all kinds of poems.”
“You what yes you what?”
“It is a good place to write in. That peaceful place called the without communication with the great guys in white coats.”
“I’ll make sure you have a woman doctors all the way through.”
“I can’t communicate with women doctors and I always have male doctors I like their body language whereas the women doctors are soft and like fragile and I like to hurt their egos.”
“You don’t do that to me. Why on earth are you talking can you stop talking let us do this our lives are disappearing I can make you so happy and you can have everything you like.”
“Can I have a ring?”
“What as in a telephone?”
“What that kind. I would like to see my solicitor.”
“What is it for?”
“I would like to make my will.”
“You have nothing at all you simpleton.”
“I do you know what you wouldn’t give for this thing between my legs.”
“I am not giving you millions. What would you do with a millions?”
“What burn it all?”
“That is a good idea I might burn it all I might you know I’ve never had millions to burn before. My great grandfather used to burn £5 and now I am going to burn millions.”
“I am not giving you millions to burn. Are you mad?”
“It is totally insane.”
“Why did your great grand dad burn £5? Impossible family are you Turks all mad?”
“He wanted whores to light his cigars with the £5!”
“Nemesis isn’t it? Now you will become a whore and I will light a £5 on you!”
“Not the same as millions.”
“Why do you have millions on your brain?”
“I’ve taken a fancy to burning millions it is better than burning one’s bra.”
“You wouldn’t burn your bra like a good girl would you?”
“I might my bras are too tight but burning millions is more classy. It isn’t like every woman doing it burning the millions is the best thing that can happen to me.”
The stakes are high.
I am left in the laughs.
I am boiling with the designer thoughts and then go into limbo where did it begin this selfish thinking? I am not going to behave differently than any other woman.
“But you have and beware when one does that sort of thing.”
“It is folly.”
“I forbid it. Don’t talk this way are you ill? Let us have supper and I will take you out for a meal without expenses spared and limousine and we’ll have a good time and you will see what it is like to be courted and swept into my way of life.”
“I take with a ring?”
“Why do you ever not?”
“You are totally unsuitable.”
“Who is suitable does suitable mean non ethnic or non criminal or with a criminal record?”
“Now stop that you are giving me a headache.”
“You should really see the doctor you know that is the second time this week you complained about a headache. It is most disastrous for our discussions I mean you mustn’t fall ill with something you know.”
“Like what? Mental illness isn’t catching. You can’t be taunting me you know? Do you know what I am who I am? You’ve made me into a laughing stock.”