"I would rather be a little nobody than to be an evil somebody."- Unknown
Embarrassing moments are moments that you would never forget and occurs to you all the time just seconds before you drift to sleep and recall all the what ifs and the moments you desperately want to forget.
And that happened to me all the time.
That's why you're still a virgin was the only comeback I could think of at that moment.
Alex Blake frustrated and infuriated me to no end. I loathed that guy. He had been once upon a time a person I trusted like my own shadow, someone I knew would always stand by my side. I didn't expect the kid I always hanged out with to turn into a monster. I've missed reading many chapters of his life to know why he turned into a complete monster. How could a little sweet kid turn into someone he'd always swore to not be?
But that's the thing about life, some answers are better left unsaid.
"Can you stop acting like middle school kids?!" The teacher's voice yelled and pounded on the table with his fist causing a few students to jump in shock, his face was twisted in rage and his nose wrinkled in anger. "Silence!"
Are university students like highschool students? Are they also in the kids zone? Do they never grow up and start acting in a human manner?
They say no matter how much you think you hate high school, you'll always miss it when you leave, I was sure the minute I graduate I would be free from this hell hole. Just one year, I reminded myself. One year and I'll be out.
"If you keep up acting like kids, I will cancel your trip." The second he uttered the word 'trip', stunned silence filled the class and their eyes filled with excitement.
Our school wasn't exactly known for making trips for the students. We didn't have activities that we could join to fill in our free time or to free ourselves from stress. Its building and professional teachers were the only thing that made this school stand out, but the lack of activities made it extremely monotonous.
"The principal wants to reward you with this trip after the good results you had, well except for a few. And since this year is your last year, it's a reward to enjoy the experience to its fullest."
Last year. These two words were enough to plaster a smile on my face.
"When is it?"
After a thought, the teacher replied,"five days from today."
A sudden thought occurred to my mind, going on a trip meant getting away from David and his torture. Is this a dream? No David?
I raised my hand for permission to speak and when the teacher nodded, I spoke,"how long will we be there?"
"For three days," he answered,"but you need your parents' approval first."
"What if I don't have any parent?" I smiled innocently, my thoughts back to that vermin in the house.
He coughed, clearly taken back," Or any guardian."
He continued answering some questions asked by my smart classmates like 'will there be any hot girls' or ' do they have shopping malls there' or even 'will there be any sharks '. When Sparks Howdy asked the last question, I tried to control the fits of laughter that were threatening to escape.
I silently sat there, getting suddenly interested in looking at the wall. I imagined what would it be like if I had a mother, and coming back everyday to the smell of her cooking and I would make a joke on how's she a bad cook and she would glare at me. I would tell her about my day and she would tell me about hers. Together, we'll heal through the bad days that have damaged us.
I miss you so much, mum. Please come back and take me to where you are. I no longer have the power to find my demons.
You clearly are so interested in my love life
I let out a laugh at his joke. Really? If only words could show how much I hate him.
don't flatter yourself young man :) I was just interested in the dirt at the back of your hoodie that clearly shows how much of a clean person you are
I threw the note at Blake, which landed far away from where he sat.
Focusing my attention back to the teacher, I copied the written notes on the white board.
After feeling suffocated my the teacher's non-stop lecture, the first period ended finally and I quickly made my way to my locker.
" I do clean my clothes." A voice came out from behind me, spinning around I saw Alex Blake there, a smile on his lips.
He wore a grey pants - not too big or small, a T- Shirt with no message on it and a very worn jacket.
"Dude, stop stalking me, it's creepy." I rolled my eyes, closing the locker carefully.
"Me?" he pointed at himself, laughing,"stalking you," and then at me.
"Cut the act, what do you want?"
"You know I always wonder how you handle the hate you get."
"What hate?" I asked, acting as it's not that obvious enough. The hate that has resulted in many tears and scars, crying myself to sleep and not being able to look at my reflection for weeks. I was damaged to the point where I planned to end it.
And the sad part was, at some point of my life, I planned to end it all.
He shifted his eyes toward the group of girls laughing about something -more like me,"Ah, that." I chuckled nervously," Whenever someone insults me I cut myself..," I studied his face for a moment," a piece of cake."
"How long did it take you to come with this one?" he asked me, smirking.
"It comes naturally." I patted his shoulder,"some people are just naturally talented. Unlike you."
"Idiot." he murmured, shaking his head.
Muttering a curse, I walked to my next period class.
Periods passed, causing me to internally scream from happiness.
Arriving to my home, I quickly opened the door--- It was one of those housed whose front doors open only a few steps from the sidewalk, and walked directly to the kitchen.
There stood a woman - surely Melissa, with her back to me, stirring something on the stove.
She half turned, showing a doll's face in a loaf of fresh but not focusing eyes."Good afternoon, Angel."
She was already acting like a wife and somehow, somewhere, a satisfying feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. I was conflicted whether to hate her for taking my mother's role that I swore I would never allow anyone to take or be happy someone was acknowledging me without spitting hateful words to me.
"Afternoon." I mumbled, grabbing a chair so I could sit on it.
The atmosphere was silent, almost relaxing.
I decided to talk and face the consequences of stating instead of asking for permission."Daddy, my class and I are going to a trip. You need to sign the paper."
He quickly glanced at me, a look of hatred and anger in his eyes that made me regret uttering these words. "Angel, you're not going."
"Don't you think you're being a little unfair, dad? You need privacy with Melissa so a mini version of you and Melissa will pop soon." I tried to hide my anger with a smirk and I could hear a gasp and when I turned around, I was met with a blushing face that could be mistaken for a tomato soup.
"I. Repeat. You. Are. Not. Going." He glared at me angrily, radiating vengeance that caused a sudden shudder. His arms added emphatic emphasis to his words.
I masked my fear with a smile. "Yes, we'll definitely see."
Lunch was finally over, Melissa had left, and here I was, seated on my bed, writing a summary for every chapter for my English literature homework.
I felt something bad -very bad- will happen.
"ANGEL! YOU STUPID SHIT!" It was like a bad song on its highest volume.
I want to eat just one more chocolate bar before I die.
I was about to hide, probably under my bed, but it was too late already.
"You thought I would just smile at your previous actions, huh?" his eyes held hate, too much hate if you ask me.
He first disliked me because I constantly rode my tricycle where I shouldn't be ( I even broke his favourite lamp by accident- I swear) and making hideouts under in his office table also he probably knew I called him "The fat rat" under my breathe.
My young self was a badass.
When he was met with absolute silence, his eyes filled with loathe and hate. "ANGEL!" he hollered.
"Yes?" I replied, taking a deep breath.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
"When I talk to you, you speak," he hissed, his hand connecting with my cheek.
Ouch , that hurts you rat.
"I just answered," I protested," fat rat," I added under my breath.
"What did you say?!" he kicked me in the stomach, I doubled over.
He laughed evilly, I glared at him.
Stop please. I can't take this anymore.
The old man squinted his beady eyes, a smirk playing on his lips
"Are you still going to that stupid trip, you little shit?"
"Yes," was my only reply.
Bad answer. I won't ever let him take control over me, never. David loved taking control and demanding people to do whatever he wants and the moment you obey, you are screwed.
He smiled--an evil one-- dragging me to God knows where.
I was like a toy being dragged by a little kid.
He didn't care if I was hurt, or even upset, his hatred for me blinded him.
Muttering ouch for the millionth time, he brought me to the kitchen.
His eyes flickered toward the wine bottle, I froze.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
He picked out an empty wine bottle and smashed it at my torso, my stomach hurt and I felt like passing out.
Cuts appeared everywhere, and I couldn't even speak nor scream. It hurts to even move.
Satisfied with his work, he left me there lying on the floor, leaving me with my enemy- my thoughts.
Maybe this how I'll die, maybe fate is merciful enough to let me die, to see my mum.
Everything was hurting, my neck, my stomach felt like it had been cut open, I took a look at it, and indeed there's a large bruise, the size of China, on it.
The bruise was purple, and it would take a lifetime for it to disappear.
Just another scar, nothing new.
I always try to remind myself everything will be better. I'll live happily and that rat will die.
You can forget the pain, but the scars will remind you.
Hopefully, I didn't have internal bleeding or I would've been through hell again. Luckily most of my injuries aren't too serious and I will probably be fine in a couple of days or even weeks.
I felt like dying- hell dying would've felt better.
I'm terrified , lonely, and cold. My body was shaking badly and I didn't know whether it was due to the cold or scaredness.
Life hurts a lot more than death .
Am I alive or just breathing?
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