With each word my heart broke a little more. He had reached into my chest, ripped my heart out and crushed it in his hand. “I’m sorry” he tells me. It doesn’t help, it hurts more. It hurts because I know it’s not true. “I’m sorry,” does anyone really mean it? It’s really just something we say. Something to make others feel better. To make them believe that we don’t want to hurt them. That we weren’t planning how we were going to break their heart, but we do don’t we. We plan every moment, every action, every word, of someone else’s heartbreak. It’s really not fair though, you’re heart breaks because of someone else’s plan. Somebody else’s decision that they don’t love you anymore. We say we don’t mean to hurt them, but we do mean it. We just can’t deal with the pain of knowing we’ve caused someone else’s. So, we say things like I’m sorry because what else can we do. It’s what we were taught, everyone does it.
Doctors are sorry you’re sick, teachers are sorry you failed, everyone is sorry but your loves. Well your loves are sorry they don’t love you. They’re sorry that you’re hurting. They’re sorry but it doesn’t stop them does it. It doesn’t make them stay. No, it makes them feel bad for a week, maybe even a month, but what they feel, well that’s nothing compared to the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, tear-jerking hurt we feel when we hear those words. “I’m sorry,” they say. Don’t listen to that. This is exactly what they planned.
The thing is you don’t realize that until you are on the other end of it, the end that hears the “I’m sorry.” The end that feels the pain that those two words bring. I never realized, how many people I hurt with those little words. I didn’t realize until this moment what those words meant. He was the one person I loved more than the world. The person who made love seem so big, everything else paled in comparison. The one person in this whole world who made me happy again. After everything I had dealt with, I didn’t think I could be. With everything that had made me cry until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t think I could be happy again. Then I met him, and he helped me catch my breath. I stopped crying and I smiled instead. I danced to songs that used to sob too. I looked back on everything and I was glad that I had him to help me overcome it. He promised he’d always be there for me. That I’d always have him to help me with the hard times in life, but like everything good, it ended. Now here I am curled up on the floor, listening to our song, crying, with those two words on repeat in my mind. “I’m sorry” he said but, he never was and he never will be.
He got me out of a dark place, but with those two little words, I’m right back in. I’m back to crying, so much I forget how to smile. I haven’t laughed since I was with him and I don’t know if I will be able to again. He hurt me more with those two words than anyone else has. I’ve been bullied, beaten, abused, and yet, those two words hurt more than all that combined. They hurt more than the needle when it pierced my skin every time I wanted to escape my life. Those two words hurt more than all the stories behind my scars. It’s crazy really, that those two words hurt more than every punch, slap, bruise, and broken bone combined. I’ve had fifteen broken bones, gotten stitched nine times, and I have never been without a bruise. Yet somehow, someway those two words hurt me more. I would give anything to have never heard them. I’d rather break all the bones in my body, than feel the way I do. The power of those two words is immense. It’s enough to take the happiest person and make them forget how to smile. It doesn’t matter who it is or what happened to them, those two words multiply their pain my a hundred. Those people, whose smile has been stolen by those words, they try to tell you. They try to warn you about the power those words have. Nobody listens to them though. Nobody realizes how right they are until it’s too late. Until we can no longer be naïve and ignorant to the power those little words have. The words that gain more power every time they are used. Every time they steal a smile, every time they cause a tear to shed, every single time they crush a heart, they gain more power. Eventually, a person hears it enough that it means everything or it means nothing at all. Some people can get over the hurt those words cause. They can ignore, become numb to the pain. It’s the other people, the ones whose hearts just can’t take anymore. The ones who are one “I’m sorry” away from leaving this world and the cruel words within it. Unfortunately, I’m the second person and his “I’m sorry”, well that’s the last one I’ll ever have to hear.