Like My Mom
Victoria didn't say much during class except for a few looks she kept sending me. I wanted to know why she and Izzy had told Jocelyn my feelings for her. I told Izzy that I never wanted to tell her and to think that she would just tell her without my permission kind of bothered me.
"What are you thinking about right now?"
I looked up and saw Victoria standing above me. Everyone in the class was moving so I guess we were getting in groups. "Nothing. Just wondering how you knew I…" my voice dropped and I was hoping that Victoria would get the hint and prevent me from saying it.
"I realized it after the two of you got in that argument. You've never cared so much about anyone that way besides Candace. I can put two and two together quite easily. The question is…what are you going to do about it?" she asked.
Victoria was right. I now knew that Jocelyn had feelings for me as well but what was I going to do? Go out with her? Take her on a date? Come out to my dad and the entire school? I hadn't totally thought it through.
"I don't know" I replied, putting my head in my hands. "But I can't keep this a secret anymore. I have to do something about it. I mean, Jocelyn was all I ever wanted and now that I have her I shouldn't be second guessing myself," I added.
Victoria nodded her head and sat down next to me. "But are you really ready to admit to everyone in this school and in your family that you are gay? You know the circumstances and you know what will happen". Victoria took my face in her hands and made me look at her.
"You wouldn't have to face that pressure with me, Tori. I only want you to stay by my side and for this past year, I didn't care if it was in secret or not. To me, we do have a relationship even if only a few people know about it. You wouldn't have to come out for me," she whispered.
I didn't realize how much I meant to Victoria but…I didn't want to hide anymore. Yes, I cared for Vicki but I would be lying if I said that I wouldn't drop her in a minute to be with Jocelyn. Victoria was pregnant by guy! Shouldn't that bother me? Shouldn't I be angry with her for cheating on me? But I'm not. I didn't even consider it cheating and that's what worries me.
I didn't care about Victoria.
At least, not in the way that she wished I would.
I pulled away from her and asked my teacher if I could leave the room and once he said yes, I quickly got up from my seat and walked out. I just couldn't be around Victoria right now.
I felt like such an ass right now because I used her and I know I did. I used Victoria as a fill in for all of the things I wanted to do with Jocelyn but couldn't because of fear and anxiety and just because I knew she would never let me.
But as soon as that changed, I was going to just kick Victoria to the curb? What kind of person was I? Just a few days ago I was talking to Jocelyn about how I was going to help her with the baby and now, I want nothing to do with her.
I felt just like an ass.
Just like a dick.
Just like my mom!
I slammed into the side of a locker and slid down to the floor, holding my knees against my chest and putting my forehead on them.
My mom. That dark, torturous bitch of a woman; what kind of woman would leave her children behind? What kind of woman would leave her husband behind? What kind of woman would abandon it all just to go after another woman?
I hit my head against the lockers as I felt the tears flow. Just like her! I was a betrayer! As soon as something better came along, I hoped on board and left everything.
It was no secret that my mother left my father for another woman. She tried to tell my father that things just weren't working out between them but my dad knew she was cheating and when I turned 5 and 3 weeks after Candace's 4th birthday, the secret came out.
My father caught them kissing in her car and he just about lost his mind. My mother left with her and after the initial shock and anger my father felt, he eventually just became a shell of emotions and hid them all away.
I couldn't tell my father I was gay and he would be hit with the double whammy when Candace told him that she was gay too. He would blame it on our mother. He would call us every word in the book and probably think that we would leave him too but I never would.
I wasn't my mother and neither was Candace. We were two very different people and we both loved our father very much.
I felt someone touch my arm and looked up to see Izzy smiling at me. "Whom are you hiding from, Tori Bear?" she asked. I laughed and shook my head. "No one Izzy. Maybe from myself" I replied. Izzy arched her eyebrows and sat down next to me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, turning to face me. "I…I love Jocelyn. I can't stop my feelings for her and now that I know she likes me back. I didn't feel anything for Vicki anymore. I know that makes me a total shit but I just don't want anything to do with her now and I feel like such an asshole" I replied, dropping my legs on the ground.
"You're not an asshole, Tori. You're just starting to realize that what you felt from Victoria wasn't as strong as maybe you thought it was," she said. 'That's just the thing, Izzy! I didn't give a shit from the start. I just used her in my mind as a replacement for Jocelyn. I didn't even care when she was pregnant. I was just angry because I felt like I was the same as Jeremy. Never once did I truly feel upset over her pregnancy. Not once!" I exclaimed.
Izzy opened her mouth to say something and then she stopped. Izzy stood up and took my hand, pulling me on to my feet. "I think that you need to relieve some of this anger, Tori Bear. And I think I know the best way you can do it" she said smiling.
I arched my eyebrows at her and laughed as she pulled me down the hall. "Izzy! Izzy, where are we going?" I asked, smiling when she pushed me into the gym. Izzy walked towards the closet and took out a Neff gun.
"Izzy, what are you gonna do with that? And since when do we have a Neff toys" I asked. She pointed the gun at me and I moved out the way when she fired. "You better run, Tori" she said before chasing me around and firing after me.
I dodged a few of her shots but got hit by a couple more. I hid behind the bleachers and yelled when she followed after me. With Izzy, I could always forget about my problems and I was wondering how no one heard us in here?
Izzy followed me up the bleachers and I shielded myself with my hands before she moved towards me and aimed at my chest. "Do you give up?" she asked, smiling as we were both breathing hard from running.
I shook my head and moved forward, spinning her around and taking the gun from her as we both slipped backward. I caught her with my left arm and pulled us against the bleachers, lying on top of her.
Izzy looked up at me and I pointed the gun at her. "Do you give up?" I asked, propping myself up on my arm. Izzy laughed and shook her head before leaning back.
"…You should be with Jocelyn, Tori. It's what you want after all and you should get what you want," she whispered. I looked down at Izzy and put my head in the crook of her neck. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right" I said. Izzy wrapped her arms around my neck and I sighed as I relaxed against her. "I love you Tori Bear," she said.
I chuckled and pulled her closer. "This is why everyone thinks we are together. Love you too Izzy". I felt so close to Izzy in that moment that I flipped us over and leaned against the bleacher as we both fell asleep. Sadly, that didn't last long because 10 minutes later security found us and we were forced to go back to class.
I enjoyed spending time with Izzy and I knew that I had to seriously think about what I was going to do.