It's So Hard To Love You
I close my eyes and think about what I love about Jocelyn…and what I love about Izzy. Jocelyn: She's always been there for me. She's supportive. She's kind. She's protective. She helps me heal when I'm sick and wipes my tears when I cry. She's always been there. I can't picture her not being in my life and that's why I love her. Izzy: She accepts my every flaw. She loved me unconditionally, even when I didn't return her feelings. She listens and understands. She can make me feel better with just a smile. She's on my mind even when I don't want her to be. I can't picture her not being in my life and that's why I love her.
What do I do?
After I left Mrs. Berrang's office, the thought of going to class just collapsed and I found myself in the gymnasium, lying on my back and staring up at the ceiling. I just laid there in my own thoughts. I didn't move. I didn't speak. I don't know how long I was there but by the time I had finished thinking, the cheerleaders were coming in the gym for practice and Candace walked up the bleachers to check on me.
"What are you doing here? Are you ok? Maxie and Adam told me what happened. Victoria seriously slapped you? She must be really hormonal from the baby," she said. I heard her talking but I still wasn't totally out of my dream-like state until the sound of Jocelyn's voice caused me to sit up quickly and bond down the bleachers. Candace looked after me in confusion and I ran up to Jocelyn and grabbed her wrist.
Jocelyn looked at me and then at her wrist as I pulled her to the side. "Tori, what are you-"Why do you like me?" I asked, interrupting her. "What?" "Jeremy told me that he kissed you and you pulled away. Why? Why do you like me and please tell me honestly?" I asked in desperation.
"Tori, I…I like you because of what you've done for me. You're just the best friend I could have ever had and when I found out how you felt about me, I just couldn't ignore the feelings anymore because I felt them too but I just never said anything" she replied.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I could ask you the same question"
"Jocelyn, I'm serious. I'm going crazy over this because I can't…I don't…I'm so in love with the you that I invented that I can't even look at who you really are and that's…someone who I couldn't be with".
Jocelyn's face drops and she stares at me for a few moments before licking her lips and trying to hold back tears. "What?" she said, not truly wanting her to repeat herself. "Jocelyn, I love you more than anyone but that's just what it is. Love. The same love that I would feel for a parent or a sister but the only difference was that I was also in love with what I wanted to see. I wanted to see you as yourself and I wanted to see the Jocelyn that grew up with me as a child and how's house I used to go over everyday. Jocelyn…I barely see you these days. We don't hang out anymore. I haven't been to your house in a year and we don't even really talk in public. There were so many things that I didn't even notice because I was in love with this image of you but that's not who you really are".
Jocelyn let a tear fall and quickly wiped it away before I could see. "I can't lie to myself the way I have been for the past few years. In reality, the two of us could never be together because we are just two different people now and I…I need someone who I know, without a doubt, that can stand up in a crowded room and tell everyone that they love me. Who would risk it all for me and that's not easy to find…cause it is so hard Jocelyn. It's so hard for me to love you like that and I know it is for you too. So, I have to get over you in order to save myself from missing out on something easy" I explained, not surprised when I felt a few tears fall down my cheeks too. I knew this was hard to hear because it was hard for me to say but I had to say it and Jocelyn had to hear it because everything that I was saying was true.
We just…couldn't be.
And it was hard to understand but the feeling was mutual.
When Jocelyn nodded her head at me, there was nothing left to say, and I left the gym.