Kissing Jocelyn was something that I never thought that I would have the pleasure of doing, so the moment when her lips met mine just seemed…death defying. First off, I knew that whatever just happened, happened out of pure lust because she obviously wasn't thinking about it. The way she took off after it happened clued me in on that. Second, she seemed to be actually…enjoying herself. Could it be that something inside of her wanted to kiss me? And last but not least, she initiated everything! She was the way that kissed me and not the other way around.
So the only question that could truly be asked is: Why?
I walked down the hall towards the nurse's office and sat there in my own thoughts as she rubbed my hand for me. I'm sure that I spent the entire day in a zombie-like phase because I barely said a word at lunch, correction; I didn't say a word at lunch.
Carly noticed my awkwardness and nudged me and I quickly jumped into the conversation but I honestly couldn't careless. Jocelyn kissed me and that was all I was thinking about. Well, it was all I could think about until Victoria sat down in my lap and started eating her lunch.
I smiled softly and rested my cheek on her back as I wrapped my hands around her waist. "Awww. That's what I like to see. I'm glad you to are back to being lovey-dovey" Carly cooed, biting off a bit of her fry.
Victoria grinned and put her hand over mine as I began to drift off. "Can't fall asleep yet, Tori Bear. Two more classes to go until school's over" Izzy said, shaking me and I looked up but my eyes widened and my heart stopped when Jocelyn walked in the room.
I went ridged and I'm sure Victoria notices but when Jocelyn spotted me across the room, she simply looked away. I frowned and watched as she walked towards a few girls and spoke to them about something or another, the entire time avoiding my gaze.
"You know, with the way Jocelyn treats you, people would never know you two were actually best friends" Maxie said, shrugging her shoulders when Adam nodded in agreement. "Adam is the same way with Claire. They only really talk outside of school" I replied, trying to defend her.
"True but that's because they both don't like PDA and you know that. Adam hates when people broadcast their relationship" Maxie said, crossing her arms. I looked over Victoria's shoulder and saw her blushing bright red.
"Sorry…"she mumbled. I laughed and just rubbed my hand over her baby bump. "How do people not know you're gay yet?" Carly teased. I jumped at her words and thought at Jeremy and this morning. I immediately put my head on Victoria's back and Izzy faced me.
"Does this have anything to do with what you said this morning?" she asked. I sighed and Victoria turned to look at me. " Your baby's father wanted me to come out" I replied. Victoria gasped and so did everyone else at our table.
"Why?" Izzy asked. "So that it would take some of the heat off of Victoria and him. He wanted me to out myself today in Chemistry. He was black-mailing me with pictures of Vicki and I and he…kind of…knows about…well, you know" I mumbled, hoping Victoria couldn't hear me.
Izzy's eyes widened and she glared over at Jeremy's table. "That little dick! Did you?" she asked. I shook my head. "I was about to but…" I glanced back towards Jocelyn and our eyes met only for a minute before she looked away once again. "Jocelyn stopped me" I replied.
Izzy looked towards Jocelyn and then back at me before she grabbed my wrist. "Guys, I'll be back. I'm just gonna steal Tori for a minute" she said, waiting for Victoria to get off of me and then dragging me to the other side of the cafeteria.
"Did something happen between you two? Don't lie. I can tell. You've been gazing at her since she walked in the room and she's been doing the same to you, so spill" she demanded, crossing her arms and tapping her left foot.
I groaned and leaned closer towards her. "She kissed me," I whispered. Izzy jumped back and shook her head. "No?" she whispered back. I nodded and she smiled. "Does this mean what I think that means? Jocelyn wants you!" she exclaimed.
I cupped my hand over her mouth and made sure that no one heard her. "Probably. But after she kissed me, she ran off and she hasn't said a word to me since" I said, letting her go. Izzy hummed and did something I didn't expect as she walked towards Jocelyn!
"Izzy. Stop!" I called after her but she kept walking anyway until she was standing right in front of her. I pulled at my hair and put my fingers against my head like I was trying to shoot myself.
"Jocelyn…" Jocelyn looked up at her and she smiled sweetly back. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" she asked. Jocelyn looked over at me and I smiled sheepishly but she avoided my gaze and slowly got up, following Izzy into the hall.
I followed too but Izzy put her hand on my stomach and stopped me. "No, no, no. This conversation is between us, ok? No ease dropping" she said, smirking at me. "Izzy please don't me rude to her alright? If she doesn't want to talk about it or pretend nothing happened, that's fine with me. I'm just glad I got to kiss her once" I said, gently taking her wrist.
Izzy nodded but still pushed me away and walked into the hall. I sighed and leaned against the wall, wondering if I should wait until the finish talking or just walk back to the table. When I saw Maxie and Adam waving me over, I decided just to return. Besides, I'm sure Izzy was going to give me a play-by-play later on.
Izzy closed the door to the lunchroom and Jocelyn looked at her in surprise, hoping that she wasn't going to yell at her for ignoring Tori but she honestly didn't want to talk to her right now. She was afraid to talk to Tori. She was afraid of what Tori would say.
Jocelyn didn't want her to think that just because she kissed her, it meant that you liked her. A kiss was a kiss after all, or at least that's what she thought. She didn't mean to kiss her it just happened. She couldn't control herself and what if Tori didn't even like her? What if Izzy was out her to do her dirty work and was going to tell her off?
Jocelyn blew out air and watched as Izzy walked towards her. "I'm going to be completely honest with you Jocelyn. Maybe I am overstepping some boundaries here but I don't really care" she said.
Jocelyn arched her eyebrows and was about to say something until Izzy cut her off. "I'm in love with Tori," she said strongly. Jocelyn stepped back in surprise and gasped at how sure she sounded. She said it like she was stating a fact, like someone would say the sky is blue or the grass is green.
"I care about her more than anyone and I would do anything for her. She's the main reason why I've put up with your shit…but I'm not going to do that anymore". Izzy put her hands in her sweater pockets and sighed.
"Tori…has feelings for you. Deep feelings and I'm sure that she loves you more than she will ever love Victoria or I. Maybe you don't know how it feels to watch someone you love, love someone else…but it hurts. When Victoria first told me how she felt about Tori, I was surprised. We were all friends at one point but somehow, the both of us had fallen for the same girl."
"I decided that I would step down and let Victoria go after Tori, obviously, you can see where that went. But even though they were sleeping together, Tori still could not admit to herself that she loved her. I thought I might have a chance but…then you broke up Jeremy".
"Tori saw this as some type of sign and even though she promised she would never tell you about her feelings, I knew at some point, she was going to crack. I can't tell Tori how I feel as long as she's in love with you. It would be pointless and I'm sure she wouldn't even be listening to me when I said it. No, she wouldn't believe me. It's hard to sit on the sidelines and admire your best friend from afar. It feels even worse knowing that Tori's doing the exact same thing that I am".
"It's confusing really. I love Tori. Victoria loves Tori. Tori loves you…but what do you want Jocelyn? Why'd you kiss her? Why'd you have to fucking kiss her?!" By now, Izzy was almost in tears and Jocelyn didn't know how to react.
"Tori's…in love with me?" she repeated, staring at Izzy's face. Izzy just nodded her head and sobbed. "Yup. She's head over heels for you Viemore. Lucky you. You really don't know how lucky you really are. She's amazing. She's really the only true genuine person I know who says what they mean and mean what they say. I don't know what she sees in you but…she doesn't see it in anybody else" Izzy's lips trembled but she held herself together.
"So, I want to know honestly…do you have any feelings for Tori at all? Or are you just messing with her head?"
Jocelyn thought about it for a few moments. This was a lot to take in! Here was Izzy, telling her that Tori was in love with her and she didn't know what to say or what to do. She was even more surprised that Izzy had confessed to her her own feelings for Tori.
Jocelyn shook her head and stared down at her shoes before the door opened and out walked Victoria. She smiled at Izzy before noticing the look on her face. She stood there for minute and then sighed.
"You told her?" she asked. Izzy simply stared at the ground and Victoria looked towards Jocelyn. "It's only fair, I guess. I get pregnant by your boyfriend and you get the heart of the girl I love. It's a cruel world we live in, isn't it?" she said, putting her hands on her hips.
"Why…Why do you both…love her?" she asked, trying to understand how they both could fall for Tori. Her Tori. The same girl who would imitate Goofy to get her to smile when she was sad or the same girl who would come over to her home, simply to speak to her grandmother.
They could not be talking about her Tori. The Tori that only she saw.
Izzy and Victoria just looked at each other and shared a mutual thought. "Her eyes" they said at the same time. Jocelyn stood there in confusion until Victoria continued. "When Tori looks at you, she looks at you like no one else does. She stares like she truly cares about you and you can see that she does. With one gaze, she can make you feel more beautiful and surer of yourself. She doesn't even have to say anything, she just…looks at you like there's only you at that moment and when she smiles, you know that there is. You're just know it," she explained.
Izzy nodded in agreement and Jocelyn gasped at how right they were. Tori had her moments when she would just…look at you like she knew something that no one else know. She would almost captivate you with her gaze and that was way she was avoiding it. Jocelyn could always fall prey to those eyes.
"How long?" she asked. "Since 10th grade for me and since 9th for Victoria" Izzy replied. "…And…how long has she been in love…with me?" she asked shakily.
"She's liked you since 7th grade…but she's been in love with you since 9th" Izzy said. Jocelyn found it hard to breath and she leaned against a locker. "When did she tell you?"
"Victoria found out yesterday…I've known from the beginning" Izzy replied. Victoria fixed a small frown on her face and moved back towards the cafeteria doors. "Jocelyn, I'm not going to make this simple for you. I've explained this to Izzy and I will explain it to you. If, you just so happen to realize that you've fallen for Tori, I'm not going to make this easy on you. I want Patchett more than I have every wanted anything…and I'm used to getting things I want".
With that, Victoria walked back into the cafeteria and Jocelyn rolled her eyes. "Your competition seems serious," she teased. "Yeah well, so far she's winning. Each day that passes I can tell that Tori is getting closer and closer to forgetting about you and abiding in Victoria. At first, Tori wouldn't even touch her and now look, a year later and they're having sex" she exclaimed.
Jocelyn cringed at the thought of them together and then looked into the cafeteria at her friend with Victoria sitting neatly on her lap, Tori not minding in the slightest.
"If you cared about her Jocelyn, I would understand…but I want to make sure you are serious. Your image seems important to you and I don't want to see Tori get used just because you're afraid of what people think. I know Tori is on the brink of coming out since she was so afraid of telling you she as gay but once she does…Victoria and I are gonna have even more potential buyers".
"Maybe you don't see it, but some people do. Tori's the type of the person who's looking for the one, not one of many. And Victoria, myself, and many other girls would love for anyone to treat them like that. When Tori finally comes out, I might just loss her forever. So please, either tell her your feelings or move on because I'm tired of playing games…and I know she is too".
Izzy walked into the cafeteria, leaving a very confused, very emotional unstable Jocelyn out in the hallway. She was on the verge of tears even. She walked towards the bathroom and closed herself in one of the stalls, trying to stop thinking only for a moment.
When did Tori become someone that other people loved?
Why did some many people want to be with her?
When did she stop being her Tori and become everyone else's?
No, she was still Tori Patchett. She was still her Tori. Because her grandmother had been right, Izzy had been right, Victoria had been right, and even Tori herself had been right. Since the moment her lips touched hers, she knew.
"…Tori's my firestarter…" she whispered to herself as she finally let herself go to the emotions she was feeling. She finally admitted that she was in fact, in love with the girl everyone wanted.
She was in love with her Tori, after all.