Better Than Me

"It's over."

I cringe inwardly at the sharp pain in your eyes, cutting through me like shattered glass as you stare at me in quiet disbelief. I look away towards the cold and restless ocean breaking against the jagged rocks, and find no solace.

A seemingly endless stretch of silence passes between us before I hear you speak.

"Why?"

I turn towards you again, avoiding the scathing hurt shadowing your scowl, and replay your question in my head. Why indeed. What possible reason could I have for hurting you like this? My heart constricts as if it's getting ready to burst through my chest, and my arms burn to wrap around you and forget this crazy notion. Instead I shrug, trying to be nonchalant, but you see right through my mask, you always have, regardless of how well I hide from everyone else. I shy away from your warmth, your touch, instantly regretting the decision as betrayal and hurt spreads through your hard face.

This is why. I think to myself. Because you can see straight through me without even trying. Because you're too good for me. The words freeze on my tongue and I push them back with another small shrug.

"I thought you loved me?"

I push back the tears already burning behind my eyes, and the impulse to wrap myself around you and tell you that you were right. Instead I bark a laugh, a dull empty sound even in my ears, and look at you, trying to play it off like you were the crazy one.

"That was the point."

Another wave of hurt crosses your beautiful face and I push myself away from the car, my movements feeling strained as \i start walking off, away from you and the unbearable pain in your eyes, restraining myself from running back to you and begging your forgiveness.

Because you'd give it. I know you would. You understand me. Even through all the hurt I put you through. That's why I have to do this.

You grab my wrist and spin me around, forcing me look you in the eyes, and I cannot help but get lost in their depths. Anger was setting itself in your face, a dark and unwelcome shadow, your eyes were still reflecting the pain I was putting you through, but that shadow was slowly burning the pain away. Your fingers dig into my wrist as I try to pull free, you let go before you draw blood and instead pull at your short sandy blonde hair, your eyes fixing a glare on me, hiding your pain deep down inside of you.

"What happened? We were fine yesterday-"

"I just remembered how much fun I had with other guys when you weren't around."

And that was all it took. The glare you shoot at me is almost enough to send me crumbling down, but I stand firm smirk, hiding the pain that was choking me as you got into your car and drove off.

I watched your tires spin on the gravel, and watched the car swerve around, your hands were gripping the steering wheel, knuckles white, as you drove by me. You don't glance in my direction again, and as you pass, for once you don't notice the pain in my eyes, you don't notice that I am breaking on the inside, you don't even notice the tear running down my cheek.

And then you're gone. A ghost of a memory of happier times.

You don't deserve this. I can't give you what yo need. You deserve so much better than me.

I walk into our - the - apartment, you'd already been there, I knew, because the place was turned upside down. All your things were missing, even that wall clock you refused to get rid of, the one that set a calm rhythm for us every time we were writhing together on the floor, too busy ripping our clothes off to remember that we had a perfectly good bed just down the hall.

Choking on the hole in my heart, I smile at the memory. When we were finished, your heartbeat the only thing I could hear next to the rhythm of that wall clock as we lay there, our limbs tangled in a knot, my head on your chest as you whispered, for the first time, that you loved me.

I am shocked to find that tattered old frame of yours still standing on my dressing table. Your smiling face in the photo mocking me. You thought about taking it, I knew because it wasn't in it's original place, the place I picked out for it. The photo was just as bad as the wall clock.

I smile at the photo, thinking of that day with a growing sadness at what I'd given up.

The photo booth, the one you'd been trying to avoid all day because you didn't like being in photos, the one I dragged you to with a smile on my face. That photo booth was there to commemorate our first date.

You smiled in the first photo, the smile that you only had for me, where the sun shone through you. The other pictures got lost in the move, but this one followed us everywhere we went.

You were bored out of your mind as you sat on the couch in one of the many dressing rooms, in one of the many clothing stores I had dragged you into, waiting for me to come out and show you another one of the many dresses I had picked out. I was struggling with it's zipper when I heard a soft knock on the door, and your voice rang through my ears.

I quickly opened the door to let you in, stepping back to make some room for you. My foot caught on my jeans on the floor, and I pulled you down with me when I felt gravity doing it's magic. You fell on top of me, pinning me to the ground, laughing. I always loved your laugh, so deep and light and happy.

When you mentioned the blush on my cheeks, I tried to hide it by turning my head away from you, unaware of the opportunity I'd just opened for you.

My breath hitched in my throat and turned to a soft moan when I felt your lips whisper against my collar bone, and move up towards that sensitive little patch of skin over my pulse which you loved to nibble on, causing a slightly louder moan to break it's way past my lips.

I could feel you smirk against my skin as I wrapped myself around you, pulling you closer to me, pressing myself tighter against the strain in your pants. A guttural groan escaped from your throat as I slowly moved against you.

A knock on the door hardly pulled us from our ecstasy filled hunger, and you growled towards the door, telling who ever was trying to interrupt us, to fuck off, before you clamped my mouth shut with your lips. I moaned when your hands traveled up and down my body, one grabbing my breast gently, while the other moved between my legs and up my bare thighs stopping short of where I desperately needed you.

I growled in frustration when your lips left mine, but it was cut short when I felt your teeth graze the soft bud on my breast, causing me to moan your name on a breath, and dig my nails into your shoulders.

The knocking on the door had increased to an impatient banging, and you pulled away from me, pulling me up to stand on my feet. When we emerged from the dressing room we were chased from the store as an irritated store clerk berated us about our behavior.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard my phone ring. My head was too busy spinning for me to register the sound. I glance around the rest of the room and see a box with loose objects piled inside, one caught my eye, an old seashell. I moved towards the box, and pull it out.

That day. That day was the day I came to a realization. One that left me feeling content and happy, but nervous and deathly frightened at the same time. A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I remember that day.

We were on the beach. It was the afternoon, and we'd just left my parent's house. You got along with them, not knowing that you were the first one I'd ever brought home. The water wrapped itself around our ankles as we stood on the shore, staring out at the waves breaking around us.

You pressed me harder against your chest as you rested your lips behind my ear, brushing them down my neck towards my shoulder. I turned in your arms and placed my hands on your shoulders as I gazed up at you.

Your smile vanished in the glare of the sunlight as you pulled me up towards you, lifting me up from the ground, forcing me to wrap my arms around your neck as you kissed my lips with such passion, and tenderness….I'd thought it was a dream. A beautiful dream.

It was an innocent kiss, not moving any further than a few nibbles here and there. I was euphoric, I blushed as you smiled down at me. With a Cheshire grin on my face, I stared back up at you, the blush on my cheeks fading in the sunlight.

You hugged me against you, and I could feel your heart drumming in your chest against my cheek. That was the first time I ever felt safe in someone's arms, and you refused to let me go when the water started wrapping itself higher and higher up our legs.

"I love you."

It was whispered so softly I didn't think you'd heard me, your arms tightened around me, pulling me closer – if that were possible – and you kissed my forehead, the smile on your face not faltering once. I looked up at you with a curious smile on my face as your thumb traced my jaw.

Your eyes were filled with love and you held my gaze, almost as if you were looking for a reason not to believe me, but when your smile split into a grin and you spun me around in circles, until I burst out in a fit of giggles against your shoulder, I knew that you weren't looking for anything.

"I love you too."

I run out of the flat, not knowing where I was going, but trusting my legs enough to get me there.

I find myself standing at your door, my fist hovering inches from your door. What am I doing? I step away from the door as if it was going to suddenly grow a head and swallow me whole. I took another step back, and hit a wall I knew was not there before. Turning around, I suppress the feeling of throwing my arms around you as you stand there, glaring down at me.

You don't need me. You don't need me. You don't need to go though all of this.

"I'm sorry."

You cross your arms as your glare intensifies. I squirm beneath your hard gaze and can't stop the words from coming out.

"I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry. It's just, I was so scared of hurting you, and of getting hurt, that I had to cut it off between us before it could happen. I know I made a huge mistake, and I am truly sorry for hurting you like that."

Make me leave. Please.

My chest tightens and my breathing stops as you take a step towards me.

"I'm nothing like those useless fucks you used to date. What possible reason could I ever possibly have to hurt you?"

I nod and take a deep breath before looking at you again. Your glare has softened, and I can feel butterflies swarming in my stomach.

I want your arms around me.

"I just thought you deserved better than me. And I was afraid that you'd come to the same conclusion."

I cringe when your gaze hardens again, and sigh softly when you uncross your arms and step around me to open your door. You hold your gaze on me for a few more seconds before you clear your throat.

"You coming in?" I beam up at you when your signature smirk makes it's way to your perfect lips, begging me to slap it off. I ignore the violent urge and walk past you into the house.

Once the door shuts, you pull me into your arms for a warm, passionate, lingering kiss that consumes me the second our lips make contact. Your arms wrap around me protectively and my arms snake their way around your neck, my smile never leaving my face, until you bite my bottom lip.

My nails claw at your shoulders and back as you push me up against the counter, my legs wrap around your waist as your fingers brush against the hem of my shirt.

"If I thought I deserved better, I never would have wasted so much time on you."

Our breathing slows as our foreheads press together. Your warm breath hits my face and calms the butterflies in my stomach.

Before I can say anything else, you press your hips against mine, and every thought I have running through my head at that moment, vanishes as a moan leaves my lips, followed by a gasp when you bite down on my collar bone, tracing your way up towards my lips gently with your tongue.

We are blinded by extacy, and once we're on the floor, that awful wall clock setting our rhythm again, I forget about everything in the world, concentrating solely on the warmth of your lips on my neck, my shoulder, my breast, and the pressure of your body on mine.