Chapter 9 | Irritable
Waking up this morning, I feel completely drained. I have no energy whatsoever and I felt a little dizzy when I first sat up in bed. Shrugging the feeling away, I go into the bathroom to get my shower.
I didn’t bother weighing myself, since I just did last night. After brushing my teeth and hair, I got dressed in simple jeans with my purple sweater and black converse. Typical Addie.
I honestly have no energy to care about what I look like.
I put my glasses on and grab my bag before heading down the stairs.
“Hey sweetie, want some pancakes? They’re chocolate chip, your favorite!” My mom smiles upon seeing me enter the kitchen.
“No thanks, I’m actually a little late so I’ll just grab something from school.” I lie, heading towards the front door.
“How are you late? School doesn’t start for another forty minutes.” My mom questions, turning around from the stove to face me.
“Well I have this project I’m working on and I need to hit the library before school starts.” I lie again. How are these lies coming out so easily?
“Well here, at least take an apple.” My mom urges, picking up an apple from the fruit basket and tossing it over to me.
I went to catch it, but I terribly miss and it lands on the floor with a thud.
“Oops.” I shrug, picking it up and turning around to open the front door.
“Are you alright, Addie?” My mom asks.
“I’m fine!” I yell, before walking outside into the crisp cool air and shutting the front door behind me.
Not knowing what was making me feel so irritable, I put in my headphones and start walking to the bus stop. I make it about half way, and then I need to stop. I open my bag and luckily, I still have half a water bottle left over from yesterday. I quickly pull it out and empty the contents of the bottle.
I put the empty bottle back in my bag, because you know, littering is bad... and I finish walking the rest of the way to the bus stop.
The bus has not arrived yet, and I know it would be a while since I left the house so early.
I decide to pull my phone out and text Shane.
Me: Hey Shane, I’m going to be at school a little early today, so I will wait for you by my locker.
At the exact moment I hit send, Shane’s car pulls up beside me. Shane’s mom, Cassandra, sits in the driver’s seat while Shane sits in the passenger. Little Peyton is in her car seat in the back.
“Hey Addie, want a ride to school? We are on the way now.” Cassandra asks with a smile.
“Oh, um... sure. I mean, if it’s no trouble.” I say, looking down into my lap.
Why am I so out of it today?
“Alright, well hop in! It’s no trouble at all silly.” Cassandra laughs lightly.
I walk over to the back seat of their car and pull the door open, sitting inside.
“Addie!” Peyton smiles looking over at me. “Morning!”
“Good morning Peyton.” I smile back.
“Are you sick Addie?” Peyton suddenly asks with a frown on her face.
“No, of course not. Why do you ask?”
I notice Shane turn around to look at me from the front seat, his face emotionless.
“You just look... white.” Peyton shrugs.
“I think the word you’re meant to use is pale, sweetie. And she’s right Addie, you do look a little pale. Are you coming down with something?” Cassandra asks, peering at me through the rear-view mirror.
“No, I’m perfectly fine.” I smile. “Guess today is just a pale day for me.” I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.
“Well okay.” Cassandra replies, pulling into the school parking lot. “Here’s the big kids stop.” She smiles.
“See you later Peyton.” I smile, leaning over to give her a side-hug.
“Bye Addie! Feel better! Bye Shaney!” She say to me and to Shane.
“See you at home Peyton.” Shane smiles, waiting for me to walk around the car to him.
Once Cassandra pulls away from the parking lot, Shane looks at me accusingly.
“What?” I ask, starting to walk away.
“No, stop. Come here.” Shane demands.
“Since when are you my father, because I’m pretty sure I left him at home.” I glare.
Shane looks a little hurt, but then covers his emotions with a blank stare.
“Seriously Addie, tell me what’s going on.” He says sternly.
“Nothing is going on! Why does everyone think there is something wrong with me today? First my mom, then Peyton and your mom, now you. Can everyone just please get off my fucking back!” I yell, throwing my hands up in frustration.
I honestly don’t think I have ever cursed at anyone before like this in my entire life. I instantly feel a pang of guilt seeing Shane’s expression.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Shane, I-“, but he instantly cuts me off. “No Addilyn, it’s quite alright. I get it now. I won’t bother you anymore, or show any kind of concern for your well-being ever again. Enjoy tonight’s party with Angie and Jax.” Shane’s tone is icy, but calm at the same time. He then turns around and walks away, leaving me standing alone on the side of the parking lot, feeling completely disgusted with myself.
“So you cursed at him, and then he just left?” Angie whispers beside me in first period.
“Yes.” I simply reply, feeling annoyed.
“Why did you curse at him Addie?” Jax whispers from my right.
“I don’t know it just came out, alright?” I whisper back, fed up with this conversation.
After Shane left me in the parking lot alone, I sat there for a few minutes to collect myself. I ate my apple and tossed the core into the trash bin, before going inside. I told Angie and Jax a brief description of what happened at my locker before first period, and now here we are. Both of them trying to bombard me with questions looking for more details.
I look over to the other side of the classroom where Shane is currently sitting. He didn’t even bother to take his normal seat in front of me. Although, who could blame him after the way I exploded on him this morning?
I sigh, sulking further into my chair.
What a terrible Tuesday.
“Come on, you’ve gotta give us a little more than that.” Angie sighs, still leaning over to whisper.
“Can you just drop it please?” I warn.
“Fine.” She replies, leaning back over into her seat.
“Are you still going to the party with us tonight? We can all three just go together?” Angie asks, this time not whispering.
“Sure.” I shrug, not caring at all about anything at the moment.
“Want to meet up after school, you know, to find something to wear?” She smirks over to me.
“Why? Because lord knows I can’t dress myself properly?” I glare in her direction.
“Okay you need to seriously drop this attitude you’ve got going on today. You can lash out at Shane, but you aren’t going to talk to me that way, like I’m nobody.” Angie says bluntly.
“Sorry. We can talk later.” I sigh, tuning out everyone and everything and focusing on my blank sheet of paper. So much for taking these notes today.
Come lunchtime, I am desperately trying anything to get rid of my sour mood. So I ate, and a lot might I add.
“Hungry there tiger?” Jax chuckles, trying to pull a French fry from my tray, but failing the second I slap his hand away.
“If you wanna keep that hand, I suggest you don’t try that again.” I say in between bites.
“You’re insane.” Angie laughs, pushing her tray closer to Jax so he could have some of her French fries.
I don’t know why, but I smile watching their cute encounter.
Then, I felt sad thinking about Shane. This is our first fight, and we aren’t even together yet. What does that say about us?
I want to apologize, to tell him I had no clue what came over me today... but I just can’t bring myself to face him. I couldn’t take it if he rejected me, and I strongly felt as though he would.
I look around the cafeteria, trying to spot him. I find him sitting with some of his guy friends near the other side of the cafeteria. He is laughing and joking around with them, seeming not at all affected by our fight this morning. I sigh again.
“He’s probably just masking his emotions. Guys tend to do that a lot.” Angie frowns, watching me watch him.
“I guess.” I shrug.
“Don’t worry Addie, tonight Angie and I will help you forget all about him.” Jax smiles, offering me the last bit of his applesauce.
I gladly take it. “Thanks guys. Sorry for being a grouch earlier. I guess I needed my lunch sooner than I expected.” I laugh, to which they joined in.
“No doubt about that. I thought I was your next target.” Jax jokes.
“Seriously though Addie, if there’s something bothering you, you’d tell us right?” Angie says, too serious for my liking.
“Of course. You guys are my best friends. If anything is going on with me at all, you guys are the first to know... always.” I smile, trying to reassure them that I am perfectly fine, just having a bad day.
“Hey Jax, could you please go buy me a chocolate milk?” I whine.
“But the line is like fifty feet long Addie!” Jax whines back.
“But please... this is important!” I smile, discreetly trying to gesture my eyes toward Angie.
“Addie... is there something wrong with your eyes?” Jax asks with furrowed eyebrows.
“Oh for Christ sake! I’ll get your chocolate milk.” Angie sighs with a chuckle, standing up and heading towards the long cafeteria line.
My eyes turn to slits as I glare at Jaxon who is absentmindedly eating Angie’s French fries.
“Seriously Jaxon?” I deadpan.
Man boys are so dumb.
“I was trying to get you to go get my chocolate milk, so I could be alone with Angie.” I raise my eyebrows, hoping he’d catch on soon.
“You’re always alone with her, plus you’ll be alone with her later when you get ready for the party. Man, you girls are confusing.” Jaxon shakes his head while eating the last French fry.
“Jesus, do I have to spell it out for you? I wanted YOU to go get the chocolate milk so that ANGIE AND I could talk ABOUT YOU. Ya know, like you asked me to do...” I shake my head at his obliviousness.
After another few seconds of thinking, he finally understands. “OH!”
I roll my eyes with a straight face, and then throw my plastic spoon at him. “Moron.”
“So like, is it that time of month or are you going to be this crabby forever?” He questions, which causes something inside of me to snap.
“How come every time a girl is in a bad mood, guys always assume it’s because we are on our periods? I can’t stand it. Maybe we just have days where we aren’t happy. Maybe we just have days where we want to chop somebody’s head off with an axe. MAYBE if guys weren’t so stupid, we wouldn’t have to get upset and irritated every time you ask us females a stupid question!” I huff, causing a few heads to turn our way.
“Okay, I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say all of that, and I’ll see you later at the party. Tell Angie I said bye.” Jaxon throws his garbage away and walks out of the cafeteria, seeming very offended and upset about my outburst.
I look around at the few heads turned our way, including Shane’s, and I sulk into my chair.
Great, that’s two people you’ve chewed up today... want to make it three? Third times the charm, right?
“Where did Jaxon go?” Angie asks, finally back from getting my chocolate milk. She sets the milk in front of me and sits back down in front of her lunch.
“Want to elaborate?” Angie chuckles, while taking the last bite of her sandwich.
“He asked stupid questions, so I may have yelled at him a little, and then he left.” I shrug.
“God, what is with you today? Mood swings are one thing, but you’re literally out of control. First Shane, now Jaxon. You want to yell at me too?” She rolls her blue eyes.
“Please Angie. I don’t need a lecture. I know I was wrong both times.” I sigh, tossing my garbage away in the trash bin beside our table.
“Clearly you don’t, because you keep doing it.” She scoffs, throwing her garbage away.
“Let’s just get to our next class, and we can talk later when we meet up to get ready for the party, alright? I promise I will calm myself down before then.” I say.
“Alright, see you.” Angie picks up her bag and strolls down the hallway in the same direction that Jaxon went. Probably to see if he is okay, like I should be doing. Gosh, I am so horrible today.
I look down at my full stomach and sigh. I didn’t want to eat lunch today, but being upset over Shane led me to splurge.
I quickly go into the bathroom before class, and handle my personal business alone.
Sticking a mint into my mouth right as I walk out of the bathroom, I run into a hard chest.
“Oh, I’m so-“, but I stop speaking when I see who it is.
“Don’t mention it.” He says quickly and coldly, not even looking into my eyes. He pushes his backpack strap up his arm and over his shoulder before walking away without another word.
Deeply sighing, I did the same with my bag and begin walking in the opposite direction.
“Perfect.” I mumble to myself as I stroll down the hallway towards my last class for the day.
Can this day please be over?
Wait, it can’t, the party later. Do I even still want to go? I don’t have Shane, Jaxon is mad at me and Angie is going to be with Jaxon all night.
Maybe I’ll go just to try to make up with Shane and Jaxon. These are two very important people in my life and I don’t want to lose either one of them.
After school, I rush to the bus stop and wait. Jacob had a short day today, so my mom arranged to leave work early to pick him up and take him home, so I didn’t have to worry about him.
After twenty minutes of blaring my Pandora on the ride home from school, I finally make it to my house. I walk inside, say hello to my mom and Jacob, and then I go directly upstairs.
Locking my bedroom door, I walk into my bathroom and pull out my diet journal.
I sigh not seeing a big change in my weight.
Why isn’t this working?
I write down everything I ate today, and jot down the time that I made myself puke after lunch.
I also make a note of my frustrations with my weight, and write a personal note to “TRY HARDER” and “NEVER GIVE UP”.
This second-guessing and doubt is killing my relationships with the people I care about most. I can’t think about anything other than losing weight anymore and I also can’t think about anything other than the people around me finding out what I am doing to myself.
I know it’s wrong, my sub-conscious tells me that every single day, but the louder side of my brain is telling me that it’s the only way to feel one-hundred percent happy and confident in life. I need to feel like I matter, and I won’t feel that way until I look the way I am supposed to look.
Every single day when I wake up and look into the mirror at myself, I feel disgusted. I feel unwanted and unimportant. I feel so small under the weight of trying to be everything that everyone else wants me to be and I can see it’s slowly starting to wear me down, physically and emotionally. But I can’t stop. I won’t stop until I reach my goals, and I will reach them.
I put my journal back into its secret compartment and leave my bathroom, taking one final glance at my scale.
You will not defeat me.
I walk over to my bed and plop down onto it, pulling out my cell phone.
I text Angie and tell her that I am ready whenever she is and to come over whenever she wants. She replies saying she will be over in fifteen minutes with some outfit options and I sigh, knowing that not anything she owns will fit me the right way.
I tell myself it will be all right anyway as I start to prepare myself for tonight.
I know Jaxon will forgive me, that’s just how he is, but I just hope I can reconcile with Shane tonight too.
I need him.