January 27, 2014
Today was different. No one gave me looks of deepest hatred. It was like the whole school community changed overnight and that they finally realized that they were only wasting valuable time at making me miserable.
Today, the whole school didn't need to give effort to make me miserable. I mean I was an utter and complete ignorant. Why did I actually believe that anyone would be crazy enough to take pity and care for me?
Chloe. I should hate her by now but I seem to be unable to. Why is that? Maybe because I feel that everything was my fault for being foolish. It's not her fault that I'm not good enough. It's not her fault that I believe her lies because she doesn't even seem to be lying. It was just because I was too blind to see, too numb to feel, and too naïve to understand everything.
Chloe; She was standing outside the classroom of the homeroom period. Apparently, because the whole school decided to suddenly not detest me, she found it fit that it should be her to be the one to torment me today.
"Miles." A normal person would hear the simple utterance of my name. Intonation wasn't enough to distinguish the worry, annoyance, and falsity I hear with that simple word, that is, my name.
She said nothing else but I know full well her intention was to talk. She started to walk and, like some kind of puppet, I followed her to somewhere out of anyone else's earshot. Miss Homeroom seemed to be in to this as she caught a glance at us without even telling us off.
For a moment there was silence for me to dread the first words she would say to me.
"Let's break up." Oh yes I knew it was coming like I knew the day that would come after Saturday. The only twist was she wasn't the one that actually said this, but unbeknownst to me for a split second, it was me.
"Miles," Chloe looked like she was about to laugh at any second, apparently joyous at the fact that she wouldn't be the one to bear the guilt of ending this. "If it's about the guy you saw yesterday. Well… that's Charles… my older brother."
At that moment I saw all the dark colors drained from everything within my field of vision. And at the same time I felt so stupid. I felt stupid for even thinking that Chloe would betray me, she wasn't like that. What was I even thinking? If she feels that she doesn't want me anymore, then she would come clean and say it to me. She won't do anything behind me.
Chloe smiled, an almost-smirk at how properly stunned I was. Foolish…simply foolish…
"Miles," she started again. She did have an intention of tormenting me after all, only it was completely different from what I imagined. "Misunderstandings are so cliché. We're better than that, right?" she said, smiling for the whole part of my 'torment'.
I was about to return that smile, I was halfway there, but somehow a dark cloud prevented me from doing so. It also prevented me from taking back what I had proposed to her earlier. Chloe's smile turned into a frown, puzzled by all of my nonsense.
Laughter escaped from me out of the blue. Funny… Chloe's usually then weirder one between us, now that I noticed, I haven't heard her perk up that much since her birthday and the revelation of her younger brother.
"I'm an idiot, Chloe. Of course you wouldn't cheat on me. What was I even thinking?" Chloe's lips curved again into a half-grin but I didn't found anything to half-grin about. I continued, "I'm not good enough for you, Chloe. I'm not particularly good at anything. Everyone hates me. There are guys much taller and charming. You'll be happier with them that you are with me… I'm useless."
Another moment of silence… After that heartfelt little monologue of mine, I can't look directly at Chloe's eyes anymore.
"It's simple then," Chloe started to speak up and I attempted to look at her only to fail. She probably realized that I had a point and that she's better off without me. "I don't want to break up, Miles. The girl also has to say in relationships you know. See? Simple as that…" Chloe shrugged.
I was about to protest but apparently Chloe had a countermove already.
"Then maybe, you're only saying all that but the truth is that you think that I'm not good enough for you and you're just thinking of reasons to get rid of me." The way she said this got to me. It's like I'm the one being accused of dishonesty.
"That's not true!" I felt alarmed at the thought that Chloe would even think of that. I felt a burning sensation around my face… embarrassment maybe. And Chloe had a nerve to giggle.
"That's not fair, Chloe."
"What?" She innocently shrugged. "You really wanted to break up?" she asked.
"…no…but what do you see in me?" I desperately tried one last time to make her realize that she should think this through but I think she did that already.
"Oh-hoh, so you wanted me to feed your ego, huh?" She was smirking all the way. "Is that it?"
So, I guess I'm really trapped. I smiled at the thought. Maybe she was right. I'm just acting up like some spoiled little brat who wanted some attention. I feel terrible. I feel, I just did all that to force Chloe to tell me how she feels to cover up my own insecurities.
But not knowing what's going on with me and what's going on with her, I did the only sensible thing I could think of right now...
I ran away from her, leaving Chloe there, probably thinking that I'm insane.