Bullets of Love and War

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Chapter 31

Having lunch with Antonio is super weird right now. He’s not saying anything, I’m not saying anything, and now it’s just this awkward, uncomfortable silence lingering between us and I have no idea why we’re acting this way. It’s when we get our sandwiches and sit down at a table that Antonio finally calls out the strange intervention that’s taken place like some irregular spell.

“So,” Antonio eyes me, stealing a quick sip from his soda. “what happened to you after Valerie kicked your ass yesterday?”

His question makes me cringe to the very bottom of my soul, and I’m pretty sure he can tell that he hit a nerve of mine.

“Sorry man, I didn’t mean to word it like that. I could tell she really fucked you up.”

Thinking about my beating yesterday on Oak Grounds causes my eyes to involuntarily well up. My throat feels like it’s closing and my body wants to have a panic attack. Antonio’s face drops at my emotional disruption and he reaches across the table to caress my hand.

“Dude, I’m so sorry. Ron I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

I hate that the tears are pouring and I hate it even more that it’s in public. I can’t even look Antonio in the eye as I’m too ashamed to even be alive right now.

“I-It’s not your fault Antonio,” I chuckle, but my heart is cracking and I feel like breaking down on the spot.

And before I know it, I do.

Ugly, dry sobs escape my mouth and it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. I don’t why, but I just break down. It’s not even due to Antonio mentioning something that I knew had to happen, it’s more so of everything happening to me right now. I’m so lost and confused about everything. Skipping school and missing class is weighing me down on top of having these oddball feelings for Blake. Even thinking about Emily being made fun of takes a toll on me and she has absolutely nothing to do with anything I’m going through.

The beautiful part of anxiety...thinking about every awful fucking thing at one time.

“I-I’m so sorry Antonio,” I stutter, wiping my face on my sleeve. “I swear I feel like dying right now.”

“You’re okay Ron. I promise you you’re okay man.”

“I’m being serious. I mean, I’ve wanted to die plenty of times in the past, but Jesus Christ, it’s like right now, I would do anything to just die on the spot.”

“Stop saying that Ron. It’s okay to let it out man. We all have to eventually.”

“I-I just want to die. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Stop saying that.”

“It’s true!”

Here comes the uncontrollable, insane laughter. I start cracking up like something is actually hilarious and this startles Antonio a little bit. Tears are still streaming down my face and my eyes are probably as red as a stoner’s, but I really don’t care.

I am just a pathetic person. That’s the most hilarious thing in the world!

Antonio chuckles himself but it’s more of a nervous chuckle than a light-hearted one. I can’t really blame him, he is putting up with some suicidal, emotional lunatic who can’t stop laughing at his own misery.

Like seriously, can someone make a movie about me already?

Once I calm down, I’m sad again. I close my eyes and hide my face beneath my bangs. Then, a throbbing pain starts coming from my right hand, and I look up to notice Antonio squeezing it with all of his damn might. He’s staring at me with this soft look on his face. Unfazed by my random anxiety attack, he just stares at me with an expression that says, “You-might-be-crazy-but-I’m-still-here-for-you-dude.”

Looking into Antonio’s kind eyes almost makes me start sobbing again. He’s squeezing my hand so hard that it’s turning red and numb. I reciprocate the gesture.

His face is really soft and peaceful, looking as if he’s admiring his most prized possession in the world. He speaks to me calmly, clearly, and fondly.

“Look at me Ron. I want you to look at me.”

“I can’t. I just want to die right now.”

“I don’t want you to die”

This catches me by surprise. I keep my eyes shut even when I feel him get out of his chair and pull me into a stomach hug, due to me still sitting. Without even thinking, I hug him back.

We stay like this for however long, more than likely drawing a few wondering gazes to our intimate contact. It feels good though. Hugging Antonio feels so, good.

He’s breathing into my hair and slowly running his hand up my back. I take slow breaths to erase myself out of the world.

In, and out. In, and out.

Fuck everyone questioning why two guys are hugging in Subway. Fuck them all.

Breathe in, and out. In, and out.

“You’re okay Ron...”

Shivers crawl up my spine. His body smells so nice. His words are so kind. I feel his warm breath pooling into my hair, making me feel chills all over my body.

“...as long as I’m here, you’ll always be okay...”

It all feels so right.


Candy and vanilla. The sweet, sickly scent of a ladies’ perfume, clogging my nostrils as his hands skimmed up my shirt, making me hold him even tighter. His mouth felt like heaven against mine, even though our teeth were clashing and we were both too uncoordinated to kiss properly. Point was, we were just having fun. It wasn’t everyday that I was getting this kind of steamy action at an over-packed, teen house party.

He felt so good. So good that I kept gasping for air and moaning his name. He felt so good that the tightness in my pants would only get tighter if he didn’t do something about it right away.

Through all the moaning and the panting, I was finally able to unlatch my belt and toss it down the hallway, not caring about who would stumble upon it or that I would have one less belt. The boy grew excited at this and slammed me against a door, lips sucking on the side of my neck. My mind went fuzzy as pain was radiating from everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

“God, I want to fuck you so hard Ron...”

I giggled. Him licking my neck tickled a little bit.

The pain started getting louder and my erection wasn’t giving me an easy time. So I sexily bit his lips and while he was moaning my name, I snaked my hand down his pants and gave him the best I had to offer.

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