Desperate

By Sapir Alexandra Englard All Rights Reserved ©

Drama / Romance

Blurb

One of us needed to step away. I was afraid that if we stayed lost in each other as we were right now, we would end up in the restaurant's restroom with my dress shoved up my waist, his pants around his ankles, and him thrusting into me hard and rough against the stall's wall. I couldn't let it happen. Seeing as he wasn't intent on leaving, I decided to do this necessary move, or tonight's dramas would never end. "I'm sorry," I whispered as I untangled myself from his embrace and took a few steps away. Obviously reluctant, he let me go. When we stood in front of each other, his face closed off again. It was my cue to get the hell out. Giving him a quivering, apologetic smile, I turned my back to him and made my way toward the exit. I couldn't stay at this place for another minute, or I would completely lose my mind. He didn't follow me. TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM, SEXUAL ABUSE, SUICIDE, ATTEMPT SUICIDE.

Chapter 1: Little Bad Girl


“She got my heart jumpin’,
And my adrenalin pumpin’ and gunnin’,
Like ain’t nobody ever seen...”

- Davit Guetta

I’ve known Oliver ever since his father married my mother when I was twelve. Five years my senior, he didn’t think I deserved any attention from him and basically we were never close. He had his friends, his niche, and now, eight years after our parents’ marriage, a career and a frequently-changing girlfriend.

For me, Oliver wasn’t anything more than a distant step-brother, one I inevitably got along with a new step-father, and frankly, I didn’t mind keeping my distance from him. He wasn’t of any interest to me as much as I was to him.

But while Oliver and I don’t really share anything in common, I can’t say the same about his best friend, Jax.

It started with a party - because honestly, all good stories, especially romantic ones, have a party involved. My friend Laura was helping throwing it in her sorority house and of course I was automatically invited.

At first, like all responsible, good girls in the world, I was reluctant to go. “I’m not sure it’s such a good idea,” I voiced my worry to my friend when we hung out at the beach a few days before.

“You don’t think any party is a good idea,” she said tartly in response.

She was right. Parties were troubles-friendly and I did everything to steer clear of those. “I just don’t think I’ll have fun,” I told her, “it’s not my thing.” My thing was the book club meetings I loved attending to. My thing was working at the bookstore around the corner. My thing was not getting trashed and banging some stranger in a stinky toilet stall.

But Laura insisted, and maybe it was the bright, hot sun, or even the smooth sound of the waves, but eventually I agreed to come.

That’s how I found myself dressed in a skin-tight jeans and top, with my dark hair a mess of curls streaming down my back and my dark eyes having an edgy-smoky look. Logically, I knew I looked and even modest, compared to today’s “it” girl’s fashion choices. Personally, I felt like I’d been downgraded into a slut.

Laura thought I looked smashing when I came earlier to help her with the final preperations of the upcoming frat party. “Really, Ver,” she said, shaking her head at me, “you really need to stop being so self-conscious.”

“I never said I am,” I retorted, “I just didn’t want to go to the party.”

“Well,” se said, grinning wickedly and slinging her arm around my shoulders, “it’s too late for that. I’m looking forward yo you getting drunk and making out with a random boy, hopefully a hot one.”

A couple of hours later, the place was completely packed with so many people of all grades and almost all ages – from seventeen-year-old high-school kids to bore, wife-seeking thirty-something elders – that it didn’t take long before there wasn’t an empty area in the place. People danced, people drank, people jumped fully-clothed into the houses’ private pool, and people made-out and had sex with everyone. One big happy orgy. Yay.

Not for me. I guess I was too much of a goody-two-shoes for that kind of action. I needed to have a boyfriend, to have love before going through all the trouble of kissing and goofing around and making love and so on. Unlike me, though, Laura was dutifully drunk before midnight and had already found a fling for the night – some cute guy called Brody who seemed as plastically handsome as Ken.

But I don’t judge. If I’d judged Laura, I wouldn’t have been her friend, after all.

By midnight, I decided I wanted to go home. People were starting to get all slobbery over one another and I felt disgusted and foolish with my cup of water instead of vodka. Somehow I managed to pave my way to where almost all the liquor bottles were hanging dry without a drop left, and searched for more water before I headed home (Laura was already huddled in her dorm’s room with her Ken so I gave up on telling her goodbye).

“Dammit,” I cursed when I didn’t find any water bottle. I searched among the empty bottles, pushing away some tipsy men who thought the had a chance groping me, and then finally, found a half-empty ware bottle. I poured the heavenly liquid into my cup and without thinking twice swallowed it all at once.

I didn’t count for it to actually be some sort of alcoholic drink, and by the time my shocked mind realized what I’d just gulped, the liquor flowed well down my throat, leaving a burn in its wake. I couldn’t spit it out. It was too late.

Choking, I blurredly searched for real water but found none. Instead, I started to get buzzed and before I knew it, I was giggling. Fucking giggling. I don’t remember the last time I giggled.

Since I was a light-weight, it took about five minuted before I was hands-down drunk. In my buzzed haze, I grabbed some liquor and, waveringly, made my way through the dancing people and started to dance myself, gulping the acrid liquid as if it was nectar. If it was even possible, I became drunker than before by the time I heard a familiar voice say, “Veronica?”

Turning around – and almost falling in the process – I saw none other than Jax Cole, Oliver’s best bud. I’d met Jax a few times before but only when Oliver brought him home. Until the party, I hadn’t seen him for months. Even though I wasn’t in my right mind, my subconscious still managed to appreciate his great looks. Over six feet with broad shoulders and rippling muscles, he was a crushingly handsome, sexy man. His dark hair was a mop of wavy mess that gave him the legendary just-got-out-of-bed sexy look, and his eyes, a radiant shade of midnight-blue, were as piercing as ever. He was gorgeous, the perfect specimen, and every girl, sober or not, who was in the house and saw him couldn’t deny this fact.

Now, the hot Jax Cole was standing in front of me, looking completely sober and gorgeous in jeans and tee, and seeming surprised to see me there. I would’ve been surprised too to see the likes of me in a party, because a nerdy bookworm like me shouldn’t have been parting like that, especially not in a damned sorority house, but here I was, with a bottle of alcohol in hand and a promise for my first ever hangover in the morning after, and he was here as well.

My shock and seeing him, on the other hand, was totally misplaced. I wouldn’t say Jax was the party animal type, but seeing him in such scenario was way more understandable, considering his looks and the fact he made every girl with swoon of fawn all over him. I blame the alcohol for making my jaw drop and my eyes pop at the sight of him.

Then, I just had to say, “Oh my God, it’s you, Jesus!”

Yeah. I put both God and Jesus in the same sentence and completely misnamed the man in front of me by calling him after Christ, as though I hadn’t known him for a long time.

Later, when I recalled these details, I would remember him cracking a small smile. “I can count how many names I’ve been called, but Jesus is a first.”

I was too far drunk to even be able to feel mortification. Instead, I simply giggled and said, “Oopsy. God ya wrong, Jax.” Nope, I did not make any sense.

He finally seemed to realize I wasn’t in my right mind right then and there. “You’re drunk,” he stated, amused.

Took you long enough, Captain Obvious, I giggled, closed my mouth shut when I realized I giggled yet again, and cocked my head, asking, “Why’re ya here?” Apparently, drinking converted my speech level to that of a four-year-old.

“I could as you the same question,” he said, grinning a little.

At that moment, because, evidently, I wasn’t thinking straight, I dropped my bottle somewhere on the ground and grabbed his hands. “Dance with me!” I ordered and started moving my body to the sound of some trance track. It sounded like a David Guetta song, but I couldn’t be sure.

“Veronica, I think you should sit down,” Jax said, not very much cooperating with me. My stagger a moment later increased his belief in my inability to stand straight and he slung his toned arm around my waist to keep me from face-diving into the ground. Through the blurry threads of soberness, I found that I could feel the heat of his arm through my top and it made me a little tingly.

“I wanna dance,” I told him instead of complying and wrapped my arms around his neck. I wore heels, something Laura convinced me to do, and so I managed to somehow reach his chin, when usually the top of my head would barely grind his Adam’s apple.

Jax chuckled in that deep voice of his, and it made an unreasonable shiver ripple through my spine. “I really think it’s not a good idea in your current state.”

My dizzy eyes captured his and, as if a stranger took over me, I batter my lashes like some flirtatious whore. “Please?” I asked huskily. Meaningless to say I’d never made such a voice before.

I don’t know if I imagined it or not, but I think his eyes glazed over for a moment. Maybe I was actually affecting him, I wouldn’t know – sure, I looked awesome that night, but he had girls lining up for his attention and a lot of those were extremely gorgeous. He couldn’t possibly be attracted to me, a girl he’d known since before she hit puberty, a girl who was his vest friend’s step sister, right?

Eventually he sighed, defeated. “You wouldn’t go unless we dance, would you?”

Grinning maybe too widely, I pressed myself to the lines of his strong, muscular body. “Nope.”

Fortunately, my mother had put me in dancing lessons for about ten years until I was fifteen (when I stopped because it wasn’t fun anymore) so I wasn’t a horrible dancer. In fact, I thought as I moved my body to the music along with the sinuous movements of Jax’s, I was pretty good. Jax was in a league of himself, so I guess it wasn’t hard to follow his lead anyway, but I was good too.

When his hands brushed my bottom once, I suddenly apprehended how close we were, comprehended that I had in my arms a delicious twenty-five-year-old man, and that I was pretty much horny. Celibacy would do that to a woman. Not that I was preferably celibate; I’d just never found an opportunity to she my virginity or scream at someone to take me now

The air thickened around us and my skin felt taught, my abdomen filling with knots. My breathing grew heavy, and all of a sudden I wasn’t so much drunk as aroused. I wanted him, and I wanted him now, and it mattered nothing that he was Jax fucking Cole. All that mattered was that he was delectable and I was starving.

I pressed myself even closer to him and saw his blue eyes narrowing a little. His arms tightened around me and we stopped swaying to the music – or rather, he stopped swaying. I wanted to, but his tensed arms kept me in place. “Veronica,” he said, my name like a smooth caress coming from his luscious mouth, “you don’t want this.”

Tell that to my body, because it doesn’t believe you. “Jax...” I all but purred – purred! - and when one of his hands brushed my butt again as her pressed me even closer, moaned slightly as well.

“You’re drunk,” he said quietly, harshly, into my ear, his heated breath tickling my sensitive lobe, “I won’t take advantage of you.”

But I wanted him to take advantage of me. Dear God, I don’t think I wanted anything more, ever. “Please, Jax,” I whispered desperately. He was so close, so strong and male and I wanted to devour him. I was sexually famished and he was like a raw piece of steak. Or maybe well-done. He struck me like a well-done.

He didn’t move for about a minute and I grew itchy and frustrated with his damned self-restraint. So in order to induce some reaction out of him, I rocked my lower body as much as I could against his, and for my utter satisfaction felt him hard and ready for me. He jerked and tightened his hold of me while practically growling, “You’re Oliver’s baby-sister.”

“Step-sister,” I corrected, half-moaning when, to my relief, he rubbed his body against mine as well. “Please Jax,” I begged again, “I need you.”

As I said, I’d met Jax Cole for about ten times tops in the past eight years I’d known Oliver. We never really spoke or even interacted on any level, not even when I finally went through puberty and became a fully-fledged woman. Sure, he was impossibly hot, I couldn’t deny that, and of course, like every healthy woman in her prime I found hims unbearably attractive, but I never gave him my time of the day because I simply thought he was out of my league, someone I could never have, from a galaxy far, far away.

And so I’d never thought I would find myself grinding myself against him, desperate for him and his screwable body. But here I was, all but feeding myself on a golden spoon for him to devour.

And devour he did.

Something must’ve snapped in his mind, because he didn’t seem to care about anything anymore as he crushed his mouth on mine. I moaned, horny all over, and opened for his tongue to slickly slide in and tangle mine. I shuddered at the erotic touch and in response one of his hands grabbed a handful of my hair while the other cupped my butt.

Before I knew it we were moving and my back hit the wall. Caged by his much larger frame, I grabbed onto him, fisting my hand in his mop of curls and clung to his toned shoulder. He growled into my mouth, and suddenly the clothes between us were too much. I wanted nothing to hid his skin, nothing to cover him from me. I wanted to touch and lick and taste every bit of him.

Apparently I projected that last thought telepathically because next thing I knew, Jax was leading us to an empty bedroom and practically threw me on the sheets. In a swift move he took his shirt off and in the dim light of the room I marveled in the view. His chest was chiseled, as if sculpted by God Himself; toned, ripped muscles beneath smooth, golden skin with a trail of dark hair disappearing into his jeans. His eight-pack winked at me, begging for a touch, and my mouth filled with hungry saliva, it took my entire will not to drool like a disgusting teenage girl.

Then this stunning body was on me, pressing me to the mattress, and I was covered in a hot, warm flesh I wanted to prey on like a lioness. His mouth was on mine, and for a moment of clarity I found that he tasted of male in his prime, hot and tasty and, and of faint beer too. Apparently I wasn’t the only one downing booze tonight, and it made his caving more sensible. Alcohol can snap the will of even the most stubborn man alive.

The moment of clarity was gone as fast as it came, though, and then I was aware of myself pushing my top up and off my body ,and then unbuttoning my skinny jeans. He helped me slide them off, as well as my boots, and then unbuckled his belt and unzipped his own jeans and pushed them away in one quick maneuver along with his boxers too. The only thing that separated our bodies were my bra and panties, which he got rid of a second later, and then his hands were cupping my generous breasts and my mouth was devouring his again.

His lips left mine and his blue eyes illuminated in the dimness as they locked on my own for a moment. Then he started trailing kisses down my jaw, my chin, my neck, where I moaned since this place is quite sensitive. There he suckled on my skin, leaving a hickey, no doubt, and continued down the valley of my chest where he simply buried his face, taking a long deep breath in, as if savoring the scent of me. Before I knew it, he was between my legs, pushing my thighs apart with his oh so strong arms, and he was giving me a languorous lick that made my eyes roll. He lost patient the and mercilessly sucked and nipped my clit, even pushed his tongue into my entrance, and I almost lost it. My body violently thrashed at the tight knots that manifested in my abdomen and when he pushed a finger inside, I screamed, orgasm exploding from my inside out.

It was the first time I came from a sexual activity – I’d come sometimes in the past when I touch myself, after all – but it was the first time it was so strong, so powerful. I didn’t know if it was because I was finally having my eternal dry spell nullified or if it was a secret talent of Jax. Maybe it was both.

He tasted my fluids and when he finished rose, sliding like a python back up and kissing me open-mouthedly, the aftermath of shocking orgasm still rocking my body and only intensifying when I felt his rigid erection probing against my inner thigh.

An excited moan left mouth and it seemed to return sense into him. He suddenly broke away from my lips and stared down at me with those eyes of his. “Okay?” he asked roughly, lowly, growly. He tensed, making his muscles much more evident and way more richly toned than before. It made my mouth water all over again.

Unable to speak, I dazedly nodded. He decided that maybe I was a a little sober after all and the next thing I knew, he was gripping my thighs and roughly, almost viciously thrusting inside of me, balls-deep. I screamed with the sudden pain and tears welled in my eyes. He growled something that sounded like “Fuck!” and was about to pull out when I grasped his shoulders and held him in place. I let my body get used to the uncomfortable fullness I felt, and once the pain subsided a little, I looked up at him and whispered, “Don’t stop.”

I don’t know if he realized that he’d just taken my virginity. In fact, I think he’d just thought that I needed time to adjust to his supremely huge cock – and believe me, while I hadn’t been experienced, I saw enough penises on the internet to realize his size for what it was; thick and long.

Either way, he let the reins go and next thing he was pumping in and out of me with strong, rough strokes that made me feel even more pain but also building pleasure. I hung on his shoulders, crushing my torso to his, and held on for the wild ride.

Soon enough, the pain dissipated completely, leaving only sheer, erotic pleasure that made me moan so loud it was a wonder no one came to check in on us to see if everything’s alright. One of Jax’s hands was grabbing my breast almost painfully and the other was braced on the bed to my side as he drove in and out so fast it was a wonder he didn’t get cramps.

With him obviously working out – and probably having sex on regular basis – it wasn’t surprising. The man screamed stamina and endurance through and through.

Suddenly we changed position so he was sitting and I was straddling him and he was driving up and down, doing all the work, while I Was wrapped around him like ivy. He buried his face in my neck, his teeth closing on my skin as he penetrated faster and faster, making my tiny, unused inner muscles clench on his big, heavy shaft. His next growl made me shiver as I felt it vibrate through his chest and I moaned when my abdomen went tight-knotted again. I was about to come again and I couldn’t wait.

“Jax!” I screamed sharply as finally I orgasmed, the ecstasy ripping me into two and making me see pretty stars. Spasming, I felt him tensing, and then he drove one last time so deep until I swear I felt the head of his cock kissing my womb. He shuddered as he emptied himself inside me.

We were both breathing heavily when he pulled away from my neck and looked at me with wonderment in his eyes. Still buried deep inside me, he planted his lips on mine and kissed me slowly, seductively, and I literally melted.

Eventually he pulled out and we both lay on the bed, trying to catch our breaths. Not before long, I felt dizziness settle in my mind, cutting off everything else, and soon enough I was falling asleep.

Now imagine waking up in an unfamiliar room with Jax Cole sleeping next to you, a major headache crackling your skull and annoying sunlight piercing your eyes. Imagine having a short-term amnesia while you try to catch-up on what the hell had gone on the previous night. Then imagine having all the memories shoving their way back into my mind.

In short: Not good.

Although my head was ragingly aching, I pushed myself out of the bed and searched for clothes. I found them crumpled on the ground and got dressed as quietly as I could and then looked at the body-mirror in the room. I looked like crap, with my black hair a mess of frizzly curls, my dark brown eyes bloodshot, my lips red and puffy, and my skin paler than usual. Then I saw the love bites that decorated my neck and my body and I kind of froze.

I had sex with Jax Cole last night, I thought, my eyes broadening with dread. I had otherworldly monkey-sex with my step-brother’s best friend last night.

As that realization hit me, another one split my mind: I’m no longer a virgin. Surprisingly, I wasn’t that upset about losing my V-card – in fact, I’d been waiting for ages for an opportunity to arise – but the fact that I did it drunk with none other than Jax Cole, who’s Oliver’s bestie... Let’s just say I was slightly a mess.

Forcing myself to calm down, I walked away from the mirror and paused, watching Jax’s sleeping form. The man was simply magnificent, lying on his stomach with his back all lean and ripped and lickable. He himself had a hickey on the neck – when the hell had I given him one? - and now, in the bright morning light, I could see he had a tattoo in the middle of his back of a black-and-gold Hindu sun.

God but he was beautiful. And he had sex with me. Me, Veronica Tanner, the bookworm nobody wanted to date at high-school because she was too stuck-up and obnoxious (sure, I didn’t want to date anyone at high-school anyway, but you got what I mean). Me, the girl the school’s “it” girl deemed to be a virgin for another ten years at least.

I’d actually got laid. Suck it up, Hailey Pritchard! And while you’re at it, take that stick out of your ass!

Feeling triumphant, I started to grin and was reminded I had a pounding headache so my grin turned into a wince. Then my gaze zeroed on the red spots that marred the mattress. My virginal blood looked darker against the maidenly white sheets, and it only enforced my sudden happiness. I really did have sex with Jax Cole!

But then it hit me. I had sex with Jax Cole. Jax. Cole. He was related to me, in a way, and we slept together. He knew me since I was twelve or so, and he fucked me.

Well, it didn’t matter anyway. I was twenty now, and he twenty-five. The five years gap didn’t matter anymore. We were both fully grown and in a matter of months I was going to be twenty-one, which meant officially an adult who could legally get drunk. Besides, it was an act of pure consent, lust and passion, and there wasn’t anything wrong with it.

Many girls lose their virginity in a a fling. I know Laura did; she told me about being fucked by some thirty-year-old dude in his apartment when she was seventeen. Then, of course, she told me how much it sucked but eventually got over it. She advised me it was the best way to get rid of your virginity. I didn’t take her advice.

Until that moment with Jax, that is.

Feeling way more gleeful and giddy than I thought I would be after having sex for the first time, I shot one last look at sleeping Jax and tiptoed out of the room, closing the door gently behind me.

I returned home, feeling like I was about to turn into a new leaf.

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